Marriage: Love (sincere gift-of-self) vs. Lust (use of a person for gratification)

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Marriage is about a mutual & sincere gift-of-self. When this gets lost, sex is lost as well. Many men want sex from their wives & may frequently expect it. As kids come along, we still ask for sex.

Many wives interpret this as “He only wants me for sex. He is demanding sex from me strictly for his physical release & therefore he is using me. I will not be used; therefore if that is all that sex is, then I don’t want it & cannot give it.”

This is not a mutual & sincere gift-of-self. The man is grasping for what is meant to be freely given. As long as she believes he is using her to take pleasure in her, she will withhold sex because she will not be used. Therefore the man must learn to make a gift of himself in order that she can feel that she is loved for her whole person. Only then will she be able to desire the physical union as a unifying experience.

I have come to believe that differences in sexual desire are experienced differently in high libido & low libido people (HL & LL). Both the HL & LL are dis-integrated in their view of life. The HL seeks the sensual & grasps sexuality as a way to satisfy & feel whole. The LL feels used & unfulfilled in the expression of sexuality & sets it aside to look elsewhere for fulfillment. (Pleas excuse the use of the word libido because that infers & animalistic desire, I mean to use it in the manner of desiring physical union & becoming one-flesh.)

Because of this dis-integration, the physical union of two bodies becomes a source of conflict instead of a source of unity. Both spouses start to withhold a part of themselves & things spiral ever worse. Since each is unhappy, each continues to withhold more & more of what the other wants in order to make the other see & wake them up to the reality of life.

Why We Need a New Language for Talking about Marriage & Sexuality

This article describe our Fallen view and the remedy.

I think a woman wants to be the subject of his desire. She wants to know that he desires her whole person, regardless of any other women on the face of the planet. She wants to be loved unconditionally for who she is as a person first, & for her physical body second. She does not want to be an object for his physical release. She wants to know that he specifically desires union with her. In short she wants to be cherished.

Now I know that I have not lived this. At times I have used my wife just for physical gratification & been demanding of the types of things I want us to do & what I want her to do for me. I have been studying the Theology of the body, & have a new understanding of the meaning of marriage & integration of the body & soul.

I am changing but I also feel her love for me has not been ideal & in some ways I feel used.

How does a married woman use her husband?

Has any woman struggled with this issue & changed how they view their husband?
 
I have struggled with my sexuality and tried to find something outside of myself to make sense of it. I am trying to live and practice the type relationship explained in the article.

The pitfall is that sex seems to have little value to my wife. At the same time it has immerse value and if she gives it I am supposed to appreciate any morsel served. Then I am supposed to act in a generous manner and make her priorities for the house and kids, my priorities. I am supposed to give her time to attend to those things and then if there is time left over after the house and kids and after she has some personal time and if circumstances do not get in the way and if she feels like it and if I have not slighted her (either by word, action or inaction be it big or small), then maybe we can make love. Then if it happens, there is no special romance or intimate play, it is mainly two bodies coming together. In other words, she doesn’t feel the need to make the event more special for me by doing anything out of the ordinary.

This leads me to feel that I have little value to her beyond earning money, helping with household and childrearing. There seems to be no longing for the intimate union to express love.

Sometimes I think that for women, sex has value to them in order to get a guy to marry her. Then because that was the only value she placed on it, she does not need to do it anymore (or at least not often). Past men in her life may have used her for sex and she used sex to get love. Now if the man is next to perfect, she may be able to repay him with sex, but sex is not an expression of her love for him because that meaning has forever been missing from her. Sex does not equal love. Sex equals use.

So I think that is why sex can have little value and immense value at the same time. If she gives it, then it should have immense value because of how she feels about it and the fact that she let you physically use her. It has little value to her because it is not an expression of her love for you. It is only repayment and if the man was not so selfish and demanding of her and was more giving, then she could give it more freely as an expression of love.

That thinking will always lead to the same results because there will always be some excuse why her husband does not deserve her love. Therefore we must love and give to the other regardless of whether they deserve it. It means being true to yourself and being the person you want to be even if the other is completely undeserving. You give to the other because your integrity demands it.
 
The pitfall of this is that you give and things are kind of okay. The pressure is off and it appears like you finally figured out that her view was fitting and therefore things are fine without her needing to give or understand your needs. The only reason things were so bad in the past was because of the husband’s insensitivity and selfish nature.

I believe the same situation can basically apply to men withholding from women. Just because I used the examples of the man wanting and the woman withholding does not mean that the same logic could be applied the other way around. Whoever want sex less has the control and determines the value.

Love is a decision, not just a feeling. I find that difficult to live but have found nothing else that holds any better hope. I also have found that I cannot do this on my own. I need prayer, Jesus and the grace of the Eucharist to find the strength.

Still, at times I end up feeling used by the demands placed on me and the requirements, meaning and value my wife places on the one-flesh union.
 
As a man I have also observed this and have had the same setiments. The problem is well defined in the fall of Adam & Eve. Without a true love of God by the spouses, there will never be a true love between the spouses. When Adam & Eve believed Satan lie and no longer trusted God they found that they could no longer trust themselve either. This is how use was born.

The only solution is to reverse the process which means that the spouse must learn to trust God agian. Easier said than done. The two should start the process by praying together. These prayers should be said aloud to God and together.There purpose is to place God into the center of the Marriage. Only God center marriages can have true sex.
 
Sandman,

I REALLY encourage you and your wife to seek out counseling. It sounds like there are a lot of open wounds within both of you regarding a broken use of sexuality. Marital love can bring so much joy when it is done for the Glory of God and the love of spouse. Visit catholictherapists.com and look for a Catholic therapist in your area. If one is not available, contact your diocesan Catholic Charities, as counseling will definitely be available (and on a sliding scale).

Do you and your wife contracept (use artificial birth control)? One way that my husband and I offer ourselves to each other totally in marriage is to practice Natural Family Planning (NFP). We never chemically alter our bodies (use of the pill) or place a barrier (condom, diaphram, spermicide, whatever) between ourselves during the act of marital love. We choose to be both life-giving and love-giving in each instance of coming together. God has made the female body to have times of both fertility and infertility in her monthly cycle, and so one can choose to either avoid or acheive a pregnancy as they discern the validity of their reasons for doing either. This has been wonderful for my marriage because I know that during every marital embrace, my husband is offering himself fully to me without holding anything back. It is this practice of surrender that carries over into the rest of our marriage and keeps us happy (and hopefully holy). If you are unfamiliar with NFP, I reccommend reading the book *Good News About Sex & Marriage *by Christopher West. It explains why the Church is against artificial birth control and why they promote NFP. As for how to practice NFP, you might go to ccli.org and look for teaching couples in your area. You will be able to order a textbook detailing how to practice it as well as the supplies needed (thermometer and charts).

Abby
 
Get some of the material from Christopher West about the Theology of the Body might be helpful.

www.chirstopherwest.com is the site. He has a series about regaining sexual purity and some stuff especially for men.

A prayer at the start of sex is helpfu. Ask God to bless your union that it would be unifying. That is one of the bonums of our marital love.

Familiaris Consortio says that marital love and the sacrifice of the Eucharist are entwined. The total self-donation is about sacrificial love and a deep mystery to contemplate.

Also, your wife and you need to regain intimacy – sexual contact should probably be refrained from for a bit. Think of ways to regain your friendship.

Can you take some time for a date – just you two and maybe dessert without kids? There are many low cost ways to build intimacy.

Give your wife a nice foot. Contact that isn’t sexual and still nurturing is important. A foot massage is indulgent and has no sexual overtones.

I have found that praying the rosary for my husband has helped our marriage so much. Our spiritual Mother is so kind and helpful. I started around the time most marriages disintegrate after the loss of a child. If we can bring our marriage back from that, there is hope for you, too.

When married within the Catholic church we were gifted with a sacrament. This sacrament has graces and charisms that we can call on. I have known two marriages that were in deep trouble that have been helped by asking for supernatural support.

The things I have listed have helped us. I will pray that you and your wife will find some helpful support with these things too.
 
This is all good advice. I agree with all of it. It falls into several catagories:
  • Things I am doing
  • Things I would like to do
  • Things we have done (at least partially)
  • I am actively studying the TOB
Sometimes it is so difficult. You can see the great marriage you could have on the other side of the crisis. You just can’t get there because of mutual selfishness.

Your prayers would be appreciated.
 
I will pray for you. Is there a Familia group in your area? The FAMILIA team for wives and mothers has been so helpful to me. I have gotten past many of the negative views I have about being a servant and drudge to kids and husband. By getting past that I am more understanding and forgiving and grateful.

I know I am not the average woman – I am fond of sex – but the women on my Familia team were not so.

How many kids do the two of have? What are the ages and is she struggling with something from them?

Our son is a very difficult kid – he had me fully depleted of all my strength and confidence. I was so abused by him (he was three and under during this time) that I had nothing left to give. Sex was difficult to get enthused about because I was just too depressed and overwhelmed.

So, I take an antidepressant. I don’t think it is a sin either. I fell back in love with life and my husband and son. It was like a brighter light was in soul.

I used to sing as a cantor at Mass. I didn’t realize that I had stopped singing – a favorite activity. When I started singing while doing my housework, I realized that I hadn’t been happy for quite awhile.

I do still take an antidepressant. I am a better living through chemistry person, but I think I am a better wife, mom and Catholic.
 
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