Marriage of many years needs help

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My title is an understatement. I have been married almost 38 years and have lived without my husband for 3-1/2 years. My situation is the other end of the spectrum from the woman who wrote about her 30-year old husband who says he wants to leave her and their young children.

My husband and I are, obviously, older. He is alcoholic and now living with an old girlfriend from before we were married. He no longer has any contact with two of our three adult sons, nor does he see their little children. He talks on the phone to our oldest son, but basically doesn’t see him.

My request is for prayers that he will see what the Holy Spirit is asking of him and come home and that my family will be put together again. (I have an excellent relationship with my sons and their families.)

Since this happened I have become much stronger in my faith, say the Rosary and Divine Chaplet; get help and strength from religious ministries on the Internet and try to keep myself busy. But I live alone now and do not have an outside job, and am having a terrible time with the loneliness. I think it was better early on when it was more new. Now the shock has worn off. I do speak to him on the phone, but rarely if ever see him. I miss him - although most people wonder why I miss such a rat as he seems to be now.

We are still married, not even legally separated, which has been better for me financially, morally and emotionally. I get income of his and pay both our bills.

But the hurt is so deep, it’s almost unbearable. I know the suggestions will be to get more active, to do for others and to continue to pray. But maybe hearing it said from different people will help.

Thanks and sorry to be so long.
 
I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I have only been married 9 years which is a drop in the bucket I know. God bless you for holding strong to your faith.
You are right, you need to be more active 🙂 Fill your life with wonderful things that you care about. Maybe you could volunteer at a school if you like children or at a nursing home if you have a fondness for the forgotten. You should bring some sunshine in your life.
May God bless you and help your family
D
 
Be aware, too, that a long sadness can change your body chemistry. You become depressed, which I once described as being physically sad. Someone would ask what I was down about, and I’d realize that I’d started by feeling sad, then brought up all the downs in my life to explain it, and not the other way around. If this happens to you, be sure to get professional help. You know from your husband’s disease that there are some things that mere willpower won’t get you out of.

Be willing to lean on others and try if you can to “let go and let God.” Don’t punish yourself for letting 35 years weigh for something, for knowing that much of what your husband has done and said and failed to do is the addiction talking, for wanting mercy for him. Don’t punish yourself for choosing suffering rather despair, for you have chosen the way of your Master. Don’t blame yourself for what your husband has become. And if you have to cut ties with him legally in order to secure your retirement, don’t punish yourself for that, either.

Open your heart to the love and joy of your sons, and let gratitude for them wash over you. Rejoice and be thankful that they are there for you, that the addiction has not washed all the good out of all your lives. Rejoice that you still have some hope, that you have been the given the grace to hang in there when it is hard. Open your heart to what makes it glad. You needn’t always grieve for your husband. God is strong enough to carry him back to the land of the living. He wants what you want, be certain of that.

I have found consolation in meditating on the lives of the saints. Perhaps in your case, St. Monica will help, and of course, Our Lady, who was not given an easy life. St. Therese the Little Flower was a Carmelite, which was also a hard life filled with much solitude. These holy women were my friends when I was alone. This is your little Mt. Carmel, your offering hill where the Lord will meet you and hold you. You are precious and faithful to Him, and no tear of yours goes unnoticed. You are so loved.

Still, you are right to go looking for others in your community of difficulty, for even the Carmelites have companions. Addiction has filled the world with many widows of the walking, and you have something to offer each other. Remember to let those others console you, and not just the other way around. After all, we are made the Body of Christ so that God may have skin on, so that Jesus may still give us the gift of Incarnation. Mass is not the only place we are meant to be in communion with God.

You are among the holy women of the world, and I thank God for you. You will be in my prayers.
 
you should see a lawyer and do what you need to do to protect yourself financially, there is nothing to prevent DH and GF from milking your bank account, running up your credit cards, and signing away your pension or retirement plan rights. there is no spiritual benefit to being naive.
 
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Romick:
My title is an understatement. I have been married almost 38 years and have lived without my husband for 3-1/2 years. My situation is the other end of the spectrum from the woman who wrote about her 30-year old husband who says he wants to leave her and their young children.

My husband and I are, obviously, older. He is alcoholic and now living with an old girlfriend from before we were married. He no longer has any contact with two of our three adult sons, nor does he see their little children. He talks on the phone to our oldest son, but basically doesn’t see him.

My request is for prayers that he will see what the Holy Spirit is asking of him and come home and that my family will be put together again. (I have an excellent relationship with my sons and their families.)

Since this happened I have become much stronger in my faith, say the Rosary and Divine Chaplet; get help and strength from religious ministries on the Internet and try to keep myself busy. But I live alone now and do not have an outside job, and am having a terrible time with the loneliness. I think it was better early on when it was more new. Now the shock has worn off. I do speak to him on the phone, but rarely if ever see him. I miss him - although most people wonder why I miss such a rat as he seems to be now.

We are still married, not even legally separated, which has been better for me financially, morally and emotionally. I get income of his and pay both our bills.

But the hurt is so deep, it’s almost unbearable. I know the suggestions will be to get more active, to do for others and to continue to pray. But maybe hearing it said from different people will help.

Thanks and sorry to be so long.
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we will continue to pray for you… good luck and may God continue to support you during this terrible time…

Peace be with you…
 
I thank you for your kind posts, advice and prayers. You can’t know what it means to me to come here and see responses - or maybe you can.

It’s a lot like having a part of your body amputated when a spouse leaves a marriage like this, but your words and thoughts take some of the sting and loneliness away.

Now that I’ve started posting again, I will attempt to help others here as much as you have (and I hope will) helped me.

God bless.
 
On Sparkle’s thread, someone (perhaps she) suggested fasting on Friday, tomorrow, November 12, for hurting marriages. I would like to encourage others to do it also.

I don’t know how well I will do at fasting, but I know that it’s one of the more powerful forms of prayer. I may just eat some bread and water, but I’m going to really give it a try.

There are some prayers and Novenas posted on her thread: “Could some women help me with a disappointing spouse?” In particular there are prayers to St. Monica and St. Rita and it was decided there to use as a group a simple prayer to St. Rita.

I hope others of you will join us.

God bless you all.
 
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