Marriage Stress

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BumblebeeMom

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I’m at a loss on how to be a good Catholic wife in my current life, and I really don’t know how to handle this so i am hoping for some ideas…Any thoughts are appreciated!

I’ve been married over a year and a half, have an 8 month old and am pregnant with #2. My husband and I are both Catholic, and our marriage has been on rough ground since I first got pregnant.

My husband constantly talks about looking for work but in the past year he has only sent out two letters to hiring companies. If I hear of a place locally that is hiring, I have suggested it to him and he sounds interested but never follows through…

Right now, he stays home with our son while I work…But in about a month I will be having to leave my job because of this pregnancy will have progressed to a point that I can’t spend my days on my feet anymore. My husband has known this right along, but he hasn’t really done anything to find something to fill our income gap while I am home…

Maybe I am over judgmental but I am tired…Tired of the financial stress when he isn’t even looking…tired of coming home after work and having to deal with the housework and dinner…tired of him getting frustrated with me if I ask him to pull himself away from a computer game for 5 minutes to watch our son so I can use the bathroom in peace…

If I show my annoyance he just starts talking about divorce…I had to make an emergency phone call to our priest on a few occasions recently to try to talk him out of it. I don’t want him to leave, I just wish he would act more responsible.
 
So, you are SOLE support,maid and cook to an able bodied, but unemployed, husband, an eight month old baby and One-on-the-way, and HE gets annoyed and threatens YOU with divorce? How do you see yourself and this marriage 5 years from now? How many more children do you think you will have? Your husband just might be suffering from depression and can respond from treatment but, this is not a good marriage or a healthy relationship right now; you need serious marriage counseling as soon as possible. I hope you can work it out. :hug1:
 
I’m really sorry to hear this!

Your husband could benefit from some counseling it seems. Is there a reason why he doesn’t work now? Did he get laid off before this? Is he just unmotivated? You mentioned he is on the computer playing games. The situation doesn’t sound healthy. You are pregnant and he needs to be taking care of you, your son, and your unborn baby. Of course you want him to be responsible - that’s part of his duty as a good husband and father and he doesn’t seem to understand that. The fact that he gets annoyed and talks about divorce when you try to talk to him about this situation is a big red flag. You should speak with a trusted priest about this so you can get the support you need. Marriage is a two way street and you seem to be taking care of everything without much of your husband’s help…you are in my prayers during this difficult period and I hope things can turn around soon for you.
 
BumblebeeMom said:
I’m at a loss on how to be a good Catholic wife in my current life, and I really don’t know how to handle this so i am hoping for some ideas…Any thoughts are appreciated!

I’ve been married over a year and a half, have an 8 month old and am pregnant with #2. My husband and I are both Catholic, and our marriage has been on rough ground since I first got pregnant.

My husband constantly talks about looking for work but in the past year he has only sent out two letters to hiring companies. If I hear of a place locally that is hiring, I have suggested it to him and he sounds interested but never follows through…

Right now, he stays home with our son while I work…But in about a month I will be having to leave my job because of this pregnancy will have progressed to a point that I can’t spend my days on my feet anymore. My husband has known this right along, but he hasn’t really done anything to find something to fill our income gap while I am home…

Maybe I am over judgmental but I am tired…Tired of the financial stress when he isn’t even looking…tired of coming home after work and having to deal with the housework and dinner…tired of him getting frustrated with me if I ask him to pull himself away from a computer game for 5 minutes to watch our son so I can use the bathroom in peace…

If I show my annoyance he just starts talking about divorce…I had to make an emergency phone call to our priest on a few occasions recently to try to talk him out of it. I don’t want him to leave, I just wish he would act more responsible.
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Ask your husband to pray the rosary with you, and if you can get him to spend an hour with you at eucharistic adoration each week that would be excellent. Have a talk with your husband and gently point out to him that you are feeling problems in the marriage but want to make things work out. Maybe he’s just being super particular about work and trusts in God that things will work out for him…or maybe he’s just being imprudent. I don’t know, but it seems like you are suffering a lot because he is not as active a husband/father/worker as he could be. Ask your husband to meet with you and a priest to help out the marriage - not hurt it. Most of all pray. Pray to God (and I will too everyday in my Masses, rosaries, and adorations for you), pray that your husband will convert. Some holy people have suffered husbands like yours and had their husband convert in the end. I don’t mean to say your husband is evil or anything, he just isn’t doing his best as husband right now but for his own reasons his best isn’t good enough, it seems. Maybe he just uses the word “divorce” to get you off his back, but it is his duty to love you and not shut you out or be insensitive to your worry. When push comes to shove financially, he’ll pick up his resumes and start sending more of them. I pray things work out for you and your family. Trust in the Lord and God will see you through the tough times. As a baptised member of the Church, Christ too is your spouse. Turn to Christ and ask him to pour out his love in your relationship with your husband. Start with praying together.
 
*Sorry things are rough right now in your marriage, Bumblebee. I agree with the posters who suggest your husband could be depressed, but threatening you with divorce the minute he doesnt get his own way (which seems 99% of the time frankly that he IS getting his own way) is very manipulative. I would discuss counseling with him, and talking to a priest. I also would not cook anymore when you arrive home. I would do the minimum housework, to be honest…you’re taking care of the bills, housework, kids etc…and he seems to think he is a guest at the house, or worse, a child of yours. As long as you continue to shoulder everything, he will have no reason to step up and do what he needs to. Yes, he could be depressed, but he also sounds like he’s becoming controlling and manipulative in the process. Your marriage can’t just keep riding the status quo…I would try to get into counseling, and see what the root of all of this is. Possible your husband feels inadequate in not being the provider right now, and is spiraling downward because he is fearful of ever finding a decent job. I don’t rule that out, but he can’t keep treating you this way, or you will start suffering mentally and physically. You are pregnant, you can’t keep having undue amounts of stress poured upon you everyday. 😦

You and he are in my prayers…*
 
Your husband is threatening you with divorce? It sounds like he has things pretty easy to me…🤷

I can’t imagine being in your shoes–working hard all day at work, coming home and working hard and add a high risk pregnancy and a little son to all that–I’d be crying from exhaustion if I were you!

I think your husband needs to get off his bottom and get a job–or at the very least turn off the computer game and help you when you come home from work. I hope you can get him into some counseling because he needs it. If he keeps threatening divorce and refusing to help you, maybe should speak to a priest more about your marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work and it sounds like there’s only really one person in your marriage that is working on things right now…
 
Yes, I think you should ask your husband to go for marriage counseling. You have a child on the way too.
 
Video game addiction…just like any other “drug” or alcohol. It’s a way of escaping the reality of his life. He needs help…
 
I think you should very unceremoniously quit your job after the baby comes. You can get health care coverage for the kids. When he sees you have no intention of going back to work he will either buck up and deal, or leave you.

If he leaves you, you can get emergency assistance, and then go after him for child support. He will probably buck up and get a job, though. That is, once he realizes he’s no longer in for a free ride.

He is counting on you to do it all because you are doing it. There are services in place for women in your condition, so you have the upper hand. This is what these services were put in place for. In the old days, a man would be shamed into supporting his family. These days, we help enable it, but, at least the safety net is there.

I feel for you.
 
AlexaD said:
I’m really sorry to hear this!

Your husband could benefit from some counseling it seems. Is there a reason why he doesn’t work now? Did he get laid off before this? Is he just unmotivated? You mentioned he is on the computer playing games. The situation doesn’t sound healthy. You are pregnant and he needs to be taking care of you, your son, and your unborn baby. Of course you want him to be responsible - that’s part of his duty as a good husband and father and he doesn’t seem to understand that. The fact that he gets annoyed and talks about divorce when you try to talk to him about this situation is a big red flag. You should speak with a trusted priest about this so you can get the support you need. Marriage is a two way street and you seem to be taking care of everything without much of your husband’s help…you are in my prayers during this difficult period and I hope things can turn around soon for you.
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When I was pregnant with our son, my husband decided to take an apartment management class so that he could be prepared for a job with a stable income. We decided that he would look for work and if he hadn’t found anything when the time came, he would stay home and I would return to work because we didn’t like the area daycares. Which was fine…but somewhere between then and now he seems to have lost all motivation. I have talked with the priest, more than once. His big suggestion has been to relax and just apply for state programs like food stamps…which if fine if it were temporary, but isn’t something I want to have to rely on long term… Oh, and my husband doesn’t want to see a counselor because as far as he’s concerned, it is me who has issues, not him.
 
When I was pregnant with our son, my husband decided to take an apartment management class so that he could be prepared for a job with a stable income. We decided that he would look for work and if he hadn’t found anything when the time came, he would stay home and I would return to work because we didn’t like the area daycares. Which was fine…but somewhere between then and now he seems to have lost all motivation. I have talked with the priest, more than once. His big suggestion has been to relax and just apply for state programs like food stamps…which if fine if it were temporary, but isn’t something I want to have to rely on long term… Oh, and my husband doesn’t want to see a counselor because as far as he’s concerned, it is me who has issues, not him.
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If your husband is not seeing that he has some problems and won’t see a counselor because he thinks you have issues and not him, then he is in some sort of denial and he is dealing poorly with what a marriage entails. Be prepared for the worst when you have to leave your job…do you have family nearby you can go to in case you need to? If your husband won’t find a job once you are not working anymore, obviously you know there will be hard times ahead financially and emotionally. You have to first take care of yourself, your son and your unborn baby. Not your husband in this case. So have a back up plan ready now. Also, I would stop doing so much around the house. Tell him he needs to pitch in and get off the computer. And if there is another priest you can find to talk to, I would recommend that too. I’m not sure why the priest you did speak to only talked about food stamps because there is so much more that needs to be addressed. All the best to you.
 
Unplug the computer and hide the power cord. Tell him he won’t get it back until he (a) finds a job and/or (b) goes to counselling with you. If he finds that unacceptable and leaves, then frankly I can’t see how you’ll be worse off. If he’s living on his own he can’t mooch off of you anymore, and you can sue for child support.

It sounds to me like he may be depressed or have other mental issues, but is in serious denial about it.
 
If you are not praying together as a couple I highly suggest you do. Let the Holy Spirit get in him and move him to be a better husband and father. He’ll want to improve for you and the kids, if he just grows spiritually in Christ. Take him to Confession with you too. Maybe he doesn’t even pray or go to Confession whatsoever at this point in his life and has turned completely egocentric and not God and family centered. Pray together. Go to adoration together too. Go to confession together. Tell him it means a lot to you and will save the marriage at this difficult time.
 
Ceil-1 said:
I think you should very unceremoniously quit your job after the baby comes. You can get health care coverage for the kids. When he sees you have no intention of going back to work he will either buck up and deal, or leave you.

If he leaves you, you can get emergency assistance, and then go after him for child support. He will probably buck up and get a job, though. That is, once he realizes he’s no longer in for a free ride.

He is counting on you to do it all because you are doing it. There are services in place for women in your condition, so you have the upper hand. This is what these services were put in place for. In the old days, a man would be shamed into supporting his family. These days, we help enable it, but, at least the safety net is there.
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I want to second this advice. Given your circumstance and where you are at, this seems to be your only working option. This or leaving him altogether and going to stay with your parents or other family until you can get on your feet on your own.
 
From the description that the OP gave of her husband, I don’t think he can be approached as an adult. He seems to be a classic “Peter Pan,” a little boy who never grew up.

My sister-in-law’s first marriage was to such a man. He worked at Burger King, and would spend his entire paycheck on pinball arcades (back then, video games other than Pong hadn’t been invented yet), even though his wife told him to please bring his paycheck home to help pay for groceries. He loved to read poetry, but had no clue about paying bills, doing chores, cleaning up after himself, cooking, doing laundry, etc. He was caring and sweet–just like a little boy is often caring and sweet. But he wasn’t grown up yet.

They were divorced within 8 months. He went back home to live with his Mom and Dad, and I’m guessing he’s still there, just where his parents want him to be forever and ever.

Peter Panism is a serious condition, and will not go away with time. As for praying with the husband–well, just remember that he’s only about 10 years old, so make sure the prayer is “age-appropriate.” (What I’m really saying here is that praying with the husband won’t make things any better.)

I’m sorry to say that I think the OP is in trouble with this marriage, and that her best recourse right now is to move back home with her parents until she can either get her husband into heavy counselling, probably with a psychologist or an experienced family/marriage counselor, or…do the “D” word. A grown-up woman can’t be married to a little boy. And with children around, it’s dangerous. You wouldn’t allow a little boy to babysit, would you? As for divorce–I honestly don’t think the husband had any idea what “marriage” meant when he got married, just like a little boy playing house with his sister has no idea what marriage really is.

I’m so very sorry about this and I hope I’m wrong.
 
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