marriage

[francisclare]

Does the Catholic church teach that you have to stay in a marriage when the other spouse admits he basically just wants to be a friend-does not want intimacy, (with no reason why) wants to stay together, raise the kids…but admits there is no love except as a friend. Is that a reason that an annullment is permitted? I’m having such a hard time and could use some advice and encouragement, My kids are almost grown, they are moving on so to speak…I want to be right with God, but this hurts a lot. Thanks for any advice or if you knowif this is a reason annulments are permitted.

 

[Della]

Before seeking an annulment you may want to take your hubby to a doctor. Lack of interest in having sex when a man has been an active heterosexual all his life may indicate a medical problem. Don’t ask him about it. Just make an appointment and take him. Typically, men don’t like to talk about such things with their wives because of embarrassment.

The reason for seeking an annulment is because you believe the marriage was never valid to begin with for good cause, such as one person never intending to keep his/her marriage vows. There are other such reasons your priest could tell you about. I don’t think you could get one simply because your husband is no longer interested in sex.

I don’t want to alarm you, but have you considered that he may be having an affair? That too may be a reason for a husband’s sudden lack of interest in his wife, sad to say. He may not want you to know about it but doesn’t want a divorce, either since he says he wants to live as “just friends” with you. I truly hope that isn’t it, but even if it is, there is help for your marriage if you want it.

 

[La_Chiara]

Assuming you are Catholic, talk to a priest and encourage your husband to talk to a priest. Also, marriage counseling (with a Catholic counselor) would be a good idea. There must be a reason why he no longer wants marital intimacy. As you are feeling, such a situation will undermine your marriage and needs to be addressed. Keep praying and get advice from a priest and/or therapist.

 

[francisclare]

My problem is that he won’t go to counseling and said if I bring it up again he will probably leave me, he can’t or won’t talk about it, I’m trying so hard to understand, I am trying so hard to be happy, but I feel so lonely and so confused…He is so complicated because he will say that he is so happy we are married, and how great I am, and how I changed his life, blah blah blah…and then there is this issue, and it doesn’ t make sense to me. and I can never bring it up again. I should say that I feel tempted to find someone else, I have had many opportunities and have believe it or not I am above average in the attractiveness area, and I have a lot going for me, I have three of the best kids in the world who are so good and are christians…I have a professional career. (social worker)…I really am NOT this horrible gross person that he must think I am…I’m sorry to sound like such a goof, I just feel so messed up right now. I am going to go to counseling/spiritual direction with a nun at my church tonight…I hope she can help me. I feel bad that I am so rapped up in myself and my problems right now, it makes me feel so bad. I’m sorry and thank you to anyone who wants to pray for me, I sure would appreciate it. God bless.

 

[La_Chiara]

francisclare:

I should say that I feel tempted to find someone else, I have had many opportunities and have believe it or not I am above average in the attractiveness area, and I have a lot going for me…

Please, banish this thought from your mind. This is not an option and even thinking the thought can lead you astray. Please, focus on dealing with your problem–NOT escaping from it in sinful ways. Clearly, this is a difficult situation for you and you are human. But it only makes things worse to focus on such possibilities. Keep praying and find ways to connect with your husband in order to open (or re-open communication).

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Just because *he *won’t go is no reason you shouldn’t go alone to a counselor and/ or priest. It can all be completely confidential. This is hard, as it could be something as simple as a male yeast infection gone awry (Men do get them, and from what I’ve heard, they can be quite painful) to any of the other mentioned reasons.

 

[francisclare]

I know, and I would never do that, I am just trying to feel better about myself which is hard to do… I love Jesus so much and He knows it, He is my strength and will help me, I really just want to quit hurting I’m sorry , really don’t worry,. I won’t do anything that would hurt Jesus, at least not on purpose. now i feel even more stupid then ever and should never have said that.

 

[leaner]

francisclare:

I know, and I would never do that, I am just trying to feel better about myself which is hard to do… I love Jesus so much and He knows it, He is my strength and will help me, I really just want to quit hurting I’m sorry , really don’t worry,. I won’t do anything that would hurt Jesus, at least not on purpose. now i feel even more stupid then ever and should never have said that.

Don’t feel stupid for venting your feelings; consider the Holy Spirit here – we are all human and we all find temptation, or it finds us. Perhaps you were led to post here by the Holy Spirit, seeking out what you know in your heart to be true and looking for reassurance – now you have found it, and that is nothing to be ashamed of! If you can’t turn to your faith, and those “in” it for help when temptation strikes, who can you turn to?! That is why these places exist – I agree with a previous poster who suggested either an affair (that is a classic symptom) or counseling is needed. If he loves being married to you but not being intimate, would it bother him to lose you? Because that’s what he’s doing by pushing you away and denying a need for third-party help…just my humble opinion…I would say “look, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I cannot live like this, and it’s hurting me – if you don’t care if you hurt me, then say so, and I can see for real what your feelings are. I would do anything to make you feel better if you were hurting, and I would hope, no…expect the same of you” – of course, that doesn’t sound like it would work in this situation, but if it were me, that’s what I’d say. There could be a host of physical reasons, some of those more serious to overall health than others – if you believe that there is no one else, then I’d be concerned about his health. Marriage (and the marital act) is a covenant between two humans and God. It is not one-sided, and anything less needs to be addressed – I’m so sorry you are having to feel this way, and I pray your DH comes to a realization of what a gift he is ignoring – and soon!

 

[La_Chiara]

francisclare:

I know, and I would never do that, I am just trying to feel better about myself which is hard to do… I love Jesus so much and He knows it, He is my strength and will help me, I really just want to quit hurting I’m sorry , really don’t worry,. I won’t do anything that would hurt Jesus, at least not on purpose. now i feel even more stupid then ever and should never have said that.

Whew! I thought you were just venting, but thanks for the explanation. I didn’t mean to be harsh. Unfortunately, I know a Catholic woman who did exactly that–gave up on her 25-year marriage by having an affair and then divorcing as an escape from (in her case relatively minor) problems in the marriage. Of course, the devastation was felt not only by her husband, but also their teen-age kids and lots of people who knew them as a couple over nearly 30 years. I am a big believer in hanging in there, staying committed, and working it through. I’ll pray for you. I am sure it is hard. God bless you.

 

[bapcathluth]

La Chiara:

Whew! I thought you were just venting, but thanks for the explanation. I didn’t mean to be harsh. Unfortunately, I know a Catholic woman who did exactly that–gave up on her 25-year marriage by having an affair and then divorcing as an escape from (in her case relatively minor) problems in the marriage. Of course, the devastation was felt not only by her husband, but also their teen-age kids and lots of people who knew them as a couple over nearly 30 years. I am a big believer in hanging in there, staying committed, and working it through. I’ll pray for you. I am sure it is hard. God bless you.

I am also a big believer in hanging-in there. Marriages have their ups and downs, and I hate it when people bail when there is down.
Otoh, if this husband won’t get counseling and won’t be intimate at all, this is a major problem. This poor woman is lonely and married. She is in the prime of her life, and is chained to a man who won’t even try to improve.

I think she should definitely go for counseling and see what to do. There is a point where a person must be met half way.

 

[La_Chiara]

bapcathluth:

I am also a big believer in hanging-in there. Marriages have their ups and downs, and I hate it when people bail when there is down.
Otoh, if this husband won’t get counseling and won’t be intimate at all, this is a major problem. This poor woman is lonely and married. She is in the prime of her life, and is chained to a man who won’t even try to improve.

I think she should definitely go for counseling and see what to do. There is a point where a person must be met half way.

I agree with you to a point. Absolutely, they need counseling, and at a minimum, she needs counseling even if he won’t go. BUT she is Catholic (I believe), the forums are Catholic, and Catholic teaching is important in advising this woman. (As I recall, you are not Catholic, so you may not feel as strongly that Catholic teaching on marriage and divorce are important in such issues.) It would not be in keeping with Catholic teaching to advise her to abandon her marriage because “she is in the prime of her life, and is chained to a man who won’t even try to improve.” Whether she has grounds for divorce and annulment is not for me (or for most people on the forums) to say.