Married ladies, would you marry your husband all over again? (Unequally yoked)

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Naeb

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Hi everyone. I’m in my 20s and discerning marriage with my boyfriend. I’m a lot more religious than he is and I know this causes problems in marriage (it has in our relationship too). But overall he is Catholic (mostly by name only) open to the church, raising kids Catholic, etc and things are going well for us relationship wise. I think he just has some walls up in terms of opening up his heart to God.

My question is, knowing what you know now, would you do the same thing all over again if you went back in time? I know I’m asking a really hard question of you and that your honesty might be difficult. But I’m trying to get a consensus to if it is worth the struggles we will come by before I get married and it’s too late. I know that sounds bad but I need to know for both our sakes.

So many Catholics have said in blog posts, podcasts etc that you just shouldn’t even bother with someone who isn’t as religious as you, dump him asap and find a guy who is more Catholic, etc. I have trouble with that because every individual is on their own spiritual journey to find God in life and it takes some people longer than others, especially since we are still young and only 5 years ago I myself was an atheist! So how can I give up on someone I love? What if God is using me to evangelize him?

Please help me weigh this matter- the experiences of older/wiser/stronger Catholic women is much needed at this time! Xo
 
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Do not expect him to change.

Can you live with him, raise children with him, will he help you get to heaven and help your children get to heaven exactly the way he is today?

If the answer is yes, then, move forward.

If the answer to any of these is no, that is a sign that this is not the right man or the right time.

Find a guy who loves Christ and His Church more than he loves you.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Can you live with him, raise children with him, will he help you get to heaven and help your children get to heaven exactly the way he is today?
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This!
The status quo should be a solid foundation. The more you differ in faith, you need to check the decisions regarding your future family. #xantippe once posted some links to marriage preparation questions, as I am online with my mobile (bad connection) I’m not able to find the link. Maybe anyone else?😉
I found them useful and was glad to answer them as the result was understanding for the issues most important for me, so I got married (hubby is not christian) .
Many teachings of the church are understandable simply with human logic- sexual moral issues for example. At least, you need to think about how comfortable you are with not sharing your faith.
If a spouse is in general positive with attending social events you have with your parish, it’s a good way.
And to your original question, OP, no, I don’t regret my marriage.
 
Lots of great advice for you here, Naeb. Excellent that you’ve even thought to start the thread and think about something so vitally important. I think probably one of THE most important points already provided is that you will not change him, no matter how much you might wish to. HE must WANT to change himself, and that doesn’t happen all that often. It’s that age-old free-choice matter, and some men will even go further the opposite way if their partners even try in the slightest to change them. In answer to your difficult question: no - I probably would not marry my husband all over again. This is from a wife who’s been married for decades with beautiful children and grandchildren that I adore through my husband, but no… Knowing what I now know, I don’t think I could or would do it again. Yes, I would pray for him as I have all these years, though, for a change in his heart for a different moral perspective in certain areas - especially pornography. That’s a huge topic to be aware of if you’re considering marriage. It can cause such pain and suffering in a family, and secular society just encourages it, making it all the more difficult. So, as others have said, if you can happily live with his current attitudes, actions, and habits for the next 50+ years, you probably have found a good match. If not, please think long and hard about potential heartbreak in the future. May the Holy Spirit help guide you through this and all major decisions!
 
Honestly, in my case, I would not have married my now (civilly) ex-husband. He had WAY too much emotional baggage from his childhood to be able to have a fruitful, emotionally intimate marriage. We met in our 30’s, but I was just too naive, I think, to realize how crippling it was. No-one warned me, and he was not forthright before we got married about some things, including a porn addiction. It led to 23 years of heartache, disillusionment, feelings of betrayal, and big differences in parenting. If I had known then what I later found out, I would definitely have not married him. And we were compatible, religiously-speaking! We both had a great love for God and the Catholic Church. So my advice to you is to ask questions- dig deep; don’t be afraid to really find out all you can about your boyfriend and how he relates to his family and their history.
@bmaj and I, unfortunately, know what we’re talking about. Porn kills love.
 
My dear sister in Christ, right now you may feel as if your love will sustain you through everything. Our 25th anniversary is this year, and neither of us is happy. We married as fairly strong Catholics, but dishonesty on his part, and my naïveté and cluelessness made for a disaster that keeps getting worse every year. We are platonic acquaintances at best, and roommates at odds at worst.
Add 20 years and a few kids to your situation and you will see how your strong faith will cause you to be the spiritual leader and moral disciplinarian in your family. It’s exhausting. Then add to it the fact that your children will end up so torn by opposing parenting and you have a recipe for unhappy maladjusted children in the classic dysfunctional family.
There is no happy ending to your situation. My prayers are with you as you turn this over to God and His Grace.
 
Thanks sugabee43, SusannaGrace and bmaj for sharing your stories. I really appreciate the honesty from both of you. I’m sorry to hear that you’re unhappy and I’ll pray for you all.

I will be sure to ‘dig deep’ as you said and ask lots of questions. We’ve been together for almost 5 years and I feel like I understand him as we talk about hypothetical future situations a lot and we have the almost the same views on parenting and social/political/moral topics. Thankfully he does not watch porn and is not interested in that! We are still young (22) and aren’t ready to get married soon but it’s on my mind because we’ve been together a long time and I need to know if this is a good lifelong decision to continue with before it’s too late. I know since he is still quite young there is still a lot of personal development that he could go through to increase faith more. I guess I will dig deep and listen to God and see where He leads me
 
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Thank you for your advice I will be sure to look at those marriage prep questions to see our compatibility on those important issues- there will probably be some topics we haven’t discussed yet.
I’m not sure how comfortable I am with not sharing my faith. I have always been fairly private and found it uncomfortable to ‘free style’ prayer outloud in front of others… but I would like a husband who challenges me to grow in my faith. We are still really young so we have some time to think about this more. I will keep thinking about it and asking God!
 
Dear Naeb, You asked for opinions because of your reservations. You’ve been together long, and it’s hard not to be physical in a long term relationship. If I could do it all again, I would have realized that sexual attraction is not really the foundation of a Godly relationship. We see in a mirror darkly, and confuse love with “feelings” and I know it’s difficult at a young age. I know God wants us to be together to bear children and bring them all closer to Heaven. Being young is not a deficit, but wasting years that you could be serving Him and a solid manly partner in a Sacramental marriage is a decision you also may regret down the road. Dating and relationships are to discern marriage. Don’t waste time. Separate for the good of your relationship and see if he grows. In the meantime, visit a Traditional Catholic Parish. Join a Traditional Young Adults group where like-minded Catholics meet. Find the one God has in mind for you. There are men in those Traditional Catholic Parishes!
 
Naeb said:
My question is, knowing what you know now, would you do the same thing all over again if you went back in time?
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Would I do all the same things? No; but, I am wonderfully blessed in the husband that I have and I would marry him again.

That isn’t to say that it’s been 10+ years of unicorns and rainbows, that we have resolved all of our differences and our now perfect people. It hasn’t been, we haven’t, and we aren’t; but, we are conscious of our blessings, we have learned to communicate better, and we are accepting of each others areas in which we need growth.

I don’t know the specifics of your relationship to offer helpful comment. My husband and I had a shared spirituality that evolved into a shared religion of Catholicism. I agree with prior posters who stated that you can’t expect him to change towards what you want; but, people do change. Whether that change is close or further from what you would want in a husband is really unknown by any of us here. I doubt even your boyfriend really knows.

Imagine driving down a highway at night; how far ahead can you see? 100 - 200 ft? You make decisions with that limited amount of foresight which will impact the future you have - do you speed up, slow down, pull over? If you slow down and the road ahead is perfect you’ve delayed getting to your destination for no reason, if you speed up and there is a deer… well, that’s going to be a bad night. If you pull over you’ll never get anywhere; but, if you are on the wrong road entirely it makes very good sense to stop.

So, what is your boyfriend doing with his 200 ft of vision? Is he making positive but imperfect choices? Is he making really bad decisions that will make for a worse future? Is he trying to figure out where the heck he is in the universe? I think those questions are more important than who he is right this second.
 
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Hey there!! Good to see you, too! I’m doing as well as can be expected I suppose- relying on His providence!
 
I think throughout history women have often been the religious bedrock of their homes, more so than the man. This will be a challenge for you but hardly insurmountable given that he is supportive if not devout.

Focus on his other qualities in making your decision, his religious faith can grow over time, warmed by your faith.
 
Thank you for your response that was very helpful!
JetteZ said:
You make decisions with that limited amount of foresight which will impact the future you have - do you speed up, slow down, pull over?
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Thanks for the analogy, it puts things in perspective. I know some of the other posters here have essentially told me not to waste my time with him and I understand that perspective because they have been there and are now on the other side of it. It makes sense as I’ve given no description of him other than he is less Catholic than I am. I don’t know if their husbands were like my boyfriend in spirituality or personality or compatibility or anything like that. I only know what he is like.
JetteZ said:
So, what is your boyfriend doing with his 200 ft of vision?
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I think my boyfriend would fit into the categories of making positive choices and wondering where his place is in the world.
JetteZ said:
Is he making positive but imperfect choices?
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He’s made very positive choices - he doesn’t drink at all, do drugs, watch porn, etc. He’s very forgiving and is much more kind than I am. He’s been beyond supportive and encouraged me to return to the Church when I become atheist in my late teens and when my time of questioning decisions came up. He also always encourages me to go to Mass, has been with me to Adoration too. He is very intelligent and in pharmacy school too.
Imperfect choices because he doesn’t have a good prayer life, he doesn’t understand some Church teachings - His parents and Catholic schooling didn’t do a great job at teaching him the faith when he was younger and I think it hasn’t moved forward all that much.
JetteZ said:
Is he trying to figure out where the heck he is in the universe?
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He does wonder his place in the world due to his young age, being in school for so long and the fact that he has been.dealing with a mental illness, which I think puts a halt on spiritual development because fighting the illness takes up basically all of his time.

Maybe he will never be as religious as me and I’m okay with that. As long as he doesn’t become an atheist - but you can’t really ever tell if someone will lose faith in the future, even if you marry a devout Catholic they can lose faith one day too, who knows. When I’m passionate about something I am never lukewarm, it’s just my personality, and I am that way about religion. He is more of a private person with spirituality, I’ve heard that a lot of men are. I can live it out as best as I can, but other posters are right that he does need to want it. Still lots to pray and think about!!!

Edit - sorry I made this so long - I don’t really expect anyone to actually read this through. I’m really just talking and reasoning to myself here.
 
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Thanks for your advice. He is really supportive so that helps. I hope I can be a good influence on him.
 
Naeb said:
Thanks for your advice. He is really supportive so that helps. I hope I can be a good influence on him.
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I’ll suggest a topic that he may find interesting - Stages of Faith.

James Fowler is the name most associated but Scott Peck wrote on it in an accessible way (see below link). I’m more of a logical mind and this helped me understand that my childhood understanding wasn’t what I had to return to when I wanted to rebuild my relationship with God.

http://www.whale.to/b/peck1.html
 
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I read it. 😉

I will pray for you; that you gain the clarity you are seeking and that your heart will find peace.

Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee an immediate return on that prayer. 🙂 God, always working on His timeline! (Can you spot the poster who really wishes God would stop “developing” her virtue of patience?)

In all sincerity, the best advice I would give my 22 year old self would be to not live for the future, to not get bogged down by waiting for the next thing and what that will be like; but, to focus on the awesome-ness that is her life right now.
 
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