Marrying a non believer

[Kiasumum]

I married a non catholic in a Catholic Church in 1991.
We were given special dispensation by the bishop at that time.
After our two children left home for college he has been increasingly cruel and ?busy at work
His attitude towards me depends on how his day went.
When one of his patients turned critical ( he’s a surgeon) he didn’t talk to me for 4 days
I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t even want to live except that I cannot contemplate suicide as I am a staunch catholic and attend mass daily.
Would it be a sin to dissolve this marriage ?

 

[Trishie]

Dear Kiasumum, an emotionally abusive and neglectful marriage is like torture.
I feel for you and will pray for you. Hugs, Trishie

May I suggest you talk to your priest?

The Code of Canon Law states:

A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local ordinary [e.g., bishop] or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority. (CIC 1153)

https://www.catholic.com/qa/is-divorce-a-sin-when-ones-spouse-is-abusive

http://catholicleader.com.au/analysis/hot-topics/domestic-violence-separation-and-church-teaching

 

[Kiasumum]

Dear Trishie
Thank you for praying for me.
My husband constantly degrades and criticizes my parents, sisters, aunts, cousins and friends
At the same time he constantly praises his own relatives
Slowly over the years I stopped communicating and visiting my relatives and stopped confiding in my own devout catholic sisters
In the past two years his sisters have been taking him to court over property disputes which was a God send in my opinion.
I am not allowed to discuss the worries my children have with him as he is easily irritated by their ‘whining’ ; in his opinion they should man-up and solve their own problems
I have tried unsuccessfully to bring him to church or to introduce priests to him
He looks down on priests and ministers of the church

I have never discussed any of this with anyone until now
Thank you again

 

[Kiasumum]

Thank you (name removed by moderator).
I pray for his conversion every day asides from fasting for his well being and health
I have tried for so many years for the sake of the children not to choose to divorce him
Now that the children are no longer in the house it’s becoming so unbearable
I’m waiting for him to come back from overseas visiting his mother.
I love her too and would not want to do something that breaks her heart.

I am also wondering if this is penance;that God wants me to do; then suffer in silence?

 

[Kiasumum]

Thanks (name removed by moderator);
Throughout the years I’ve suggested seeing someone professional who isn’t from the church since he is non catholic ; but again it’s an issue for him. I’m not sure if it’s ego, or fear of losing face or reputation as ours is quite a small town
I trust priests as I go for confession and I know they are sworn to secrecy.
I’ve confided some of our problems at the confessional box and Father always promises to pray for me
And I leave it at that hoping things will change

 

[Kiasumum]

Thank you Cajun Joy
I have always been apprehensive the minute he walks through the door
Not knowing whether the day went well or badly
It makes me so angry sometime that I have to be afraid
I don’t call or text him at work for fear of disturbing him although he has time to contact all kinds of whatsapp groups of former classmates; schoolmates what have you …
I have had bad days at work
In the past I immediately talk about these things with my children and him
Lately my work problems irritate him
The children’s problems irritate him
Only his problems take priority

Bearing this burden alone has been so hard
Thank you again for praying for me

 

[1ke]

I would suggest that you get some counsel from your pastor.

Definitely talk to a mental health professional if you have suicidal thoughts. That is nothing to toy with. You need professional help to talk through these feelings.

Also see if your husband will go to some counseling with you. It sounds like he is under a lot of stress at work and may be taking that out on those he loves.

It is not always a sin to separate physically from your spouse. But he would still be your spouse. The marriage doesn’t dissolve even if you civilly divorce.

Again, it’s something to discuss with your pastor where you can share more details of the marital situation with him and he can advise you. If you are in physical danger or he is mentally battering you to the point you are contemplating suicide, you certainly may need to separate physically and do so quickly for your safety. Reach out to local resources in the parish and community to help you.

Regarding dissolving the marriage-- if he is unbaptized, then yes it is technically possible that even if the marriage is valid it can be dissolved by the Petrine Privilege. Or, you could see a decree of nullity if you believe it’s not a valid marriage. But, those are things to discuss with your pastor much later. The first priority should be healing for yourself and healing for your husband and marriage if possible.

 

[1ke]

I’ve confided some of our problems at the confessional box

That’s not the same as actually getting counseling. The confessional is not the right place for the priest to counsel you in depth on personal issues and your marital situation. Make an appointment outside of confession time to talk to your pastor.

 

[1ke]

That’s really not the best advice here. On what grounds? He’s a cranky pants? Being a jerk doesn’t mean they have an invalid marriage.

I would encourage them to seek secular marriage counseling while she simultaneously seeks pastoral advice and individual counseling for herself.

 

[1ke]

I am also wondering if this is penance;that God wants me to do; then suffer in silence?

God does not want you to live in darkness and depression. Your marriage is not a punishment from God. You do need to get help from a mental health professional even if your husband will not go.

Whether you ultimately decide to separate physically from your husband, I think first you need some outside perspective. You’ve isolated yourself from your family and friends over the years. Start by reconnecting with them. You need a better support network and a better perspective of the larger world, your world has become small and distorted.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

As others have stated legal, psychological and spiritual counseling is in order.

From what you describe here you have more than enough reason to justly pursue a separation. That comes first. After that, depending on his treatment, licit civil divorce can be obtained.

But one step at a time. You need good counsel and you need to start living again.

 

[Kiasumum]

Dear Ike,
The priest that I normally go to for confession is about 90 years old and struggles with English so I’m sure there’s a lot I’m telling him that he doesn’t really understand either.
All I wanted was his comforting words and prayers
I will,as you say talk to a priest. I have been supporting a priest house with donations for a few years
I have hinted to him about the problems I’m having
He said to invite him to lunch with my husband present
I’m not sure if that is possible knowing how angry my husband gets about these things
I am thinking of talking to the priest in a church after mass
That should be better right?

 

[Kiasumum]

Dear Xanthippe
Thank you for listening to me.
I will be contacting a priest to talk to him in church after mass
I don’t think that my husband will agree to go to counseling together with me
Anyway this is going to be the first step

 

[1ke]

I am thinking of talking to the priest in a church after mass

Priests are often pressed for time and have many people approaching after mass. And it isn’t private.

Call the parish office and make an appointment for a time during his office hours.

 

[Kiasumum]

Ok 1ke, didn’t realize that either!
Thanks

 

[BlackFriar]

Divorce let alone annulment would seem a rather big first step from your present situation.

I would think an effective reconciliative strategy, if he wont go for non religious counselling, is a trial separation discussion as a wake up call that he needs to do something to save the marriage.

However you sound a little too fragile to do that on your own. You need a strong support person.
Perhaps think about who could assist you with this. A professional counsellor (non religious) may be best to discuss this with.