Marrying an atheist

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This question is probably going to get some heated responses, but I was looking for advice/guidance. I’m a 31-year old woman considering marriage to a man whose religious views are completely different for my own. We get along together wonderfully and have similar values on most issues, however he’s an avowed atheist and has told me that he sees absolutely no reason to believe in God. He has always been respectful of my beliefs and has made an effort to learn more about Catholicism, but it also seems pretty clear to me that his beliefs aren’t going to change. I’m feeling more and more certain that he’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I’m also not naive enough to believe that our differences don’t matter. In a lot of ways I feel more in common with him than with most of the Catholic guys I’ve dated (for example he makes a tremendous effort to remain close to his family even though they live extremely far away, and being good to your family is tremendously important to me) and how kids will be raised sadly won’t be an issue (medical issues on my part 😦 ). Am I a fool to even contemplate this, or could a marriage between us actually work?
 
In reality, you should never let religious differences get in the way between you and someone you love. Overall, it’s entirely up to you.

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
 
It will probably be fine during this life as long as you don’t secretly think you will be able to change his mind. But for the long term you will probably end up in heaven while he will be, will lets just say there won’t be any need for him to pack a coat.
 
well, do you feel that being married to him is going to make your faith falter? Do you think over time you would slowly go away from the Church? That could be an issue even if you don’t have to worry about raising children in the Church.
 
I am married to an agnostic who leans atheist, so you know where I’m coming from.

I think the questions that you would need to consider are:
  1. Is he an evangelistic atheist (tries to convert others to atheism) or agnostic atheist (I don’t believe in God, but I could be wrong and I can see how someone might reach a different conclusion), or something in between? I think a devout or evangelistic atheist would be very difficult to have a relationship with, but an agnostic atheist could be workable.
  2. How actively supportive of your faith does he feel comfortable being, and is he willing to be? How do you feel about that? This includes whether or not he will attend Mass with you, pray with you at any level, make time for you to attend Confession, practice no birth control but NFP and not pressure you about it, support you in Lenten fasts, celebrate Christian holidays, and generally how he will or will not value your faith. If he is evangelistic atheist, you could be in for a lifetime of conflict.
  3. How do you feel about living your Catholic faith if this person’s faith never grows? Can you persevere in praying for his conversion throughout your entire marriage, with God’s help, even if you never see the answer? Does he help or hinder your faith?
  4. And the most important question to answer: Is God calling you to this marriage? Pray, pray, pray, and note how your heart moves on this matter when you pray about it.
I find that being married to an agnostic is like facing in two different directions while trying to travel together - I am oriented towards God, while my husband is looking somewhere else. However, I believe that a greater chance of arriving at the destination together is worth a more difficult journey than traveling on my own and knowing that the man I love is that much less likely to find the right direction. At the same time, I find my desire to keep going is increased, since a loved one (my DH) may depend on me to show the way. I want to become a saint because I want God to have my husband’s heart, and I believe opening my own heart to God’s grace and converting myself is the best way I have to strengthen the connection between DH and God, since DH sees Christ mainly through me.

My husband is highly supportive of my faith. He attends Mass every Sunday, and reminds our children and I to say grace before meals (since he doesn’t believe that God hears prayers, he feels dishonest joining us in praying). When I am down or struggling, my husband reminds me to pray. It can work, and it can be quite beautiful - but it has to be the right two people, and it has to be God’s Will. Pray!!! That is the only way you can know for sure - I truly believe marrying a non-Christian is a rare calling, but one that God sometimes gives. If you are called to it, you will receive the graces you need to endure it in joy.

I say “endure”, because you will miss out on some of the joys of a fully Christian marriage - like praying with your spouse, or openly treating your sex life like a symbol of Christ’s love for his church. From what my priest said when DH and I married, you will also miss out on receiving some special graces, although your marriage will receive them should your husband ever convert and open his heart and your marriage to them. This makes sense to me - after all, unless your husband is also a Christian, you and him are not “two or three gathered in [God’s] name”, but if you together become two gathered in God’s name, “there [is God] in your midst”.

So . . . be aware that it won’t be a perfect marriage, and there are riches in Christian marriage that you will miss out on. But if God is calling you, and you truly love this man, it may be worth it. Just be sure before you get married. Oh, and make sure he understands that Catholics don’t do divorce 😉 You want him to be fully aware of the nature of the vows so the marriage actually happens and you don’t need to seek verification of a null marriage later. You’ll need a dispensation to get married at all (an important technicality), and if he hasn’t been baptised then it will be for disparity of cult and that’s more serious than mere disparity of worship.

HTH,

-LFL
 
1 Corinthians 7:14:
“For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”
 
I was a bible believer for 25 years. I left the faith 7 years ago. My girlfriend of two years is a Christian. What is funny is that, if I was still a believer (fundamentalist, biblical literalists) I would not consider her to be a “true Christian” because of her “Sunday only” Christianity and because of some of her beliefs. But, she is indeed a Christian, and we rarely discuss religious topics because it never ends well. She will get upset and I’ll get my feelings hurt. I learned this early on. I desperately want to be able to express myself to her, but she easily dismisses my comments…not overtly, but I can tell what she is thinking.
Funny, I have forgotten more bible than she will ever learn, yet she has no desire to know what I think or why.
I am madly in love with her, but how long can I just keep my mouth shut when I read, hear, or observe something absurd?
She attends church every Sunday morning. I go with her perhaps once every two months. That’s about all I can take.
 
littlepreo said:
1 Corinthians 7:14:
“For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”
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This verse refers to a situation in which one spouse converts after they are already married. In the early Church many were converting from paganism. This is not an encouragement to actively seek and/or marry an unbeliever. Also, the Scripture-- also speaking on the topic of a believer married to an unbeliever-- later talks about the believer leaving the unbeliever if they will not allow the believer to worship in peace. And, it talks about the widow of an unbeliever only taking a believer as a husband should they remarry.

The OP has some decision to make, and should definitely read the Church’s teaching on marriage. It is serious enough that the Churh requires a dispensation to marry an unbaptized person.

Taking a Scripture passage out of context is concerning to me.
 
Good day and welcome!! One of my friends is a strong Christian…Her hubby is athiest…He too doesn’t see any reason at all to believe in GOD…BUT they are married through her church…And have 2 children, both baptized Christians…How are they doing, pretty in love still…lol…they have been married for about 8 years…I know they have had their ups and downs and even some discussions of religious beliefs etc but he respects her and she respects him…I know she has tried to help him and teach him about GOD and the miracles, wonders and love He gives us but he still doesn’t change his mind and we all respect him for his own decisions, you know?! But anyhow, like everything, everything is compromise…If it doesn’t bother him then it shouldn’t bother you…Of course the whole point of marriage and all is so that you both can get to heaven through Holy Matrimony…And who knows maybe down the line he might want to be a Catholic, I mean with prayer and GOD everything is possible…

If you love him and don’t mind that he’s not a believer of GOD then go for it, besides “all you need is love!” 😉 Of course GOD first but I have heard love is very powerful…
 
It’s difficult, at best. My husband is supportive of me, but it hurts a lot that he is not a part of it. He went to a rigid Catholic school for a few years and that’s where his knowledge of the topic rests: with a 12-year-old’s stunted understanding. Also, he never had a Catholic home environment (but that’s not an excuse, as I didn’t have a consistent home, either). What bothers me the most is that he doesn’t have any faith in anything outside of himself, and his response is to filling in what could be prayerful, productive time with cr*p TV and magazines.

It is a sacramental marriage, even if technically. He was baptized Lutheran because his parents felt they ‘owed’ a friend of theirs, but he was not raised with any sort of spirituality. He’s knows he’s ignorant, and it doesn’t phase him a bit.

There is no grace before meals, no rosary, no Masses together. He remembers the “Our Father” and recites it with lightning speed but hasn’t a clue what it means. He thinks that Jesus was a great man and that the Bible is great for instilling a moral compass, but sees no need or application in his own life.

With all that, he’s a wonderful husband: meals together, daily rides, romantic and consoling. There are all sorts of common interests, too. We see how each other has grown and changed in the past 6 years, and we are committed to our marriage and each other. With that, I only wish that he had a questioning, a longing, a desire to know and understand God or Faith, but he channels that into something else. It can sometimes be lonely.
 
Oh, heh, I just noticed this quote in the sidebar:
Meg, I have borne a long time with thy husband; I have reasoned and argued with him in these points of religion, and still given to him my poor fatherly counsel, but I perceive none of all this able to call him home; and therefore, Meg, I will no longer dispute with him, but will clean give him over and get me to God and pray for him."
– Sir Thomas More, Knight, Lord Chancellor of England, author and martyr; to his daughter Meg, regarding her husband, William Roper. To these prayers Roper attributed his return to the Faith; thereafter he was an ardent Catholic.
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