Marrying best friend a bad idea?

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AdriannaJean

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Hello everyone,

Recently I have started dating my best guy friend. We’ve known each-other for about 3 years, been very close for the past year and started dating about a week ago. We’ll call him Bob.

Since the beginning of our friendship we have been a little different. We are both the type to put up “fronts” to try to impress people. But because at the time he was dating my sister and I was dating someone else we didn’t need to impress each-other so we were just open. We have always gotten along extremely well.

After a break-up with my last boyfriend one of my girlfriends encouraged me to write down a list of all the things I needed in a guy to be able to date them (Catholic, optimistic, etc.) and after reading my gigantic list she joked “well the only guy in the world that would live up to this list is Bob”.

I have always looked at marriage very practically and always knew that if I were to marry Bob we would make it work and make it work well. Though I always thought this without actually considering it a possibility! 😛

About a month ago I started having feelings for Bob, but I figured I would just ignore them and they would go away. I suppressed them for a bit, but then he had to go and kiss me!

Now up until here I know it sounds like a cheesy Julia Roberts movie, but here is where my questions start.

Even when he kissed me the first time, there were no “butterflies”. I was really happy that he did, but there just is no infatuation there. Is that bad? I love him to death as a friend and know objectively and emotionally that we would be perfect for each-other, but what happens when the automatic “clicking” doesn’t happen?

In one way I think this could be a positive thing because then it means that he and I fell in love with each-other’s personality and not infatuation, but the other part of me worries that the infatuation is essential to making it work. Though, that being said, obviously my track record with making things work isn’t fabulous or else I would not be dating anyone new!

I got worried when my girlfriend told me “it just seems like you two are just friends that hold hands.”

The saying goes that you should marry your best friend. But under what circumstances should you and shouldn’t you.
 
When I saw the title I so wanted to jump in and say that it’s a great idea!!!
But your post doesn’t lead me to that conclusion. I could be wrong - I’m not a family scientist or anything - but it seems likely to me that the total lack of butterflies (attraction) to this man who you like so much stems from the fact that he was dating your sister. Sibling relationships are so important, and it’s great that we have a sort of built-in un-attractifier that enables us to see in-laws as friends and not as romantic prospects… unfortunately, that means that when your sister discards a guy, you can’t just go and pick him up.
 
Thanks for your reply!

I don’t think him dating my sister has much or anything to do with it though. We knew each-other long before they even met and they only dated for 3 months, certainly not long enough to see him as an in-law. 😛

I’m just trying to figure out if the lack of butterflies is due to the fact that we are so comfortable with each-other already. And to be clear, it’s not a lack of attraction, it’s more a lack of that head-rush, woozy, entranced type of feelings you get the first couple weeks you date someone. I am very attracted to him, physically yes, but emotionally even more so.

Is infatuation essential to lasting romantic love?
 
AdriannaJean said:
Thanks for your reply!

I don’t think him dating my sister has much or anything to do with it though. We knew each-other long before they even met and they only dated for 3 months, certainly not long enough to see him as an in-law. 😛

I’m just trying to figure out if the lack of butterflies is due to the fact that we are so comfortable with each-other already. And to be clear, it’s not a lack of attraction, it’s more a lack of that head-rush, woozy, entranced type of feelings you get the first couple weeks you date someone. I am very attracted to him, physically yes, but emotionally even more so.

Is infatuation essential to lasting romantic love?
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I’m hardly an expert on the subject, but it seems to me that it is the obsession with infatuation which has contributed to the deterioration of marriage as a social institution. The marriage vows, as far as I know, don’t mention anything about infatuation. If I recall correctly, it’s for better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live- not for as long as you shall maintain a mutual infatuation.

But once again, don’t feel obligated to count my opinion for much. I have absolutely no experience in these matters.
 
You’ve “friend-zoned” him. Not a bad thing to do to a guy, but it sure kills those prospective butterflies.
 
dakotagirl said:
You’ve “friend-zoned” him. Not a bad thing to do to a guy, but it sure kills those prospective butterflies.
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Elaborate for full marks???

Does that mean that I’ll only ever see him as a friend or does that mean that the butterflies won’t be there but it’s not a problem?
 
I really am sorry but I don’t know. I’ve never been able to get past the friend-zone once I’ve placed someone there. That’s the whole reason men complain about it as they do.
 
A husband is supposed to be the closest friend you have.

It is a great idea to marry a best friend.

Should you marry an enemy instead? Or just marry some guy who you hope will become a close friend?
 
I married my best friend of many years. He always saw me as a romantic interest, but it took a long time for me to come around. It’s been 17 years and I’ve never regretted it. I did begin to have romantic feelings for him before we began dating, but I can’t say I actually had butterflies the first time he kissed me… We were both in our early 30’s when we married. I had had the infatuation experience many times already and knew how fleeting that feeling can be. The romantic and sexual feelings I have for my dh have grown with time (and I don’t mean that has been a struggle, it has always been wonderful). I must say, I did not expect to still have these feelings as strongly as I do this far along in my marriage. But, even if I did not still have a stong physical attaction to him, our relationship is so much more than that. And I certainly believe our friendship and the fact that we still enjoy talking to each other and spending time together and doing things together has a lot to do with our continued happiness. So I say YES, marry your best friend.
 
I can’t really tell you what to do (of course), but I can offer my own experience and a few thoughts.

My wife and I were friends for four years before we started dating. Similarly, I was dating someone when we met. By the time that relationship fizzled, she was dating someone. So I never really thought of her in “that way” (plus, I thought she was way out of my league anyway! ;)). It wasn’t until we’d known each other for over a year that both of us were single and the idea first occurred to me that there could be something there.

To make a long story short, we did eventually start dating. Of course, we didn’t have our first kiss until we were dating for three months. Our first response after kissing was to laugh because it was so strange to be kissing someone we’d known for so long. I thought it was just about the best thing in the world, though. :o

Did you guys kiss before you were dating? Is that the reason you two are dating is because you kissed? You don’t have to answer those questions here. I only ask because I wonder if that would have anything to do with how you felt.

I think right now you probably just need time and prayer. I’ve known many happily married couples that began as friends. The spark wasn’t there in the beginning, but then it grew as they discerned God’s will for them. But then I’ve also know people who were best friends and the relationship turned into an on-again-off-again fiasco. You’ll just have to sort it out, I’m afraid. But God will help you. 👍

I admit, I was a bit taken aback as well by the fact that he at one time dated your sister. But if your sister’s okay with it and you’re okay with it and he’s okay with it, then what do I know. 🤷
 
I’ve been married for 32 years. The infactuation thing wore off right away, and I don’t miss it a bit! It is much more important to share the same values and goals in life, that’s what will get you through the tough times.:love:
 
Joe_5859 said:
Did you guys kiss before you were dating? Is that the reason you two are dating is because you kissed?:
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Well I had started having romantic feelings for him for about 3-4 weeks before he kissed me, but yes we did kiss before we started dating officially. I don’t really know how to answer “is the reason you two are dating because you kissed?”. It’s not like we randomly kissed one another one night and then felt obligated to start dating because the feelings had been there for weeks previously. But at the same time, would we be dating if we hadn’t kissed? Probably not because neither of us really felt comfortable crossing “that line” and putting ourselves out there like that. I guess you can kind of shake off an attempted kiss and still be friends, but sitting down with them and saying “I love you as a friend and I think that we would be an even better couple” is kind of like the elephant in the room. 🤷

And thanks everyone for your replies. I’ve become a lot more contented in my decision to date him since reading all your advice. And you guys are right. Infatuation is not what holds a relationship together and it shouldn’t be why I get into a relationship and it shouldn’t be the reason why I don’t get into one.

Prayers for the success (not necessarily marriage, but whatever God wills this relationship to become) of this new relationship would be much appreciated!
 
One of the happiest couples that I know were friends before they started dating-then they got married, and they’re doing strong!

Friendship and mutual respect are huge in a marriage.
 
The night of my first date with my future husband, I came home and wrote in my journal that there were no sparks and we’d probably just end up being “good friends”.

Five years later, I love him to death, find him so sexy, and can’t imagine life or marriage without him.
 
Hi AdriannaJean, you have been given some good advice by the other posters, but I’m still going to jump in here and try to play the Devil’s advocate.

I believe that your spouse should always be your best friend; however, it’s not necessarily true that your best friend will always become your spouse. It’s a pretty clear sign that when you kissed, you didn’t feel a spark. Granted, that spark doesn’t always have to be there 24/7 for a relationship to work, but you have to feel it, at least at some point; otherwise, the other person would be more like a brother or sister. Also, you need to consider why it took 3 years before you guys even considered dating each other, and why you never thought of him in that capacity. Even if someone seems to have all the qualities you think you want, or if someone else thinks you two are perfect for each other, but if you don’t click, it won’t fly.

Did you feel attracted to him when you guys first met? Also, it seems like you just got out of a relationship, and you may be vulnerable. Your friend is there for you, so it’s only natural if you develop feelings for him. You need to make sure that he’s not just your “rebound guy,” because that wouldn’t be fair to either one of you.

Finally, I want to say that we’re just a bunch of strangers on a forum, and only you can make this decision, because only you would know what you really want. In any case, best of luck to you!
 
AdriannaJean said:
But because at the time he was dating my sister
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By any chance does your father have a furniture business, and does Bob work as an ‘L’ attendant, and was your sister in a coma after Bob saved her from being hit by an ‘L’ train? (For those who recognize the movie reference).
 
It’s a pretty clear sign that when you kissed, you didn’t feel a spark. Granted, that spark doesn’t always have to be there 24/7 for a relationship to work, but you have to feel it, at least at some point; otherwise, the other person would be more like a brother or sister.
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i offer in goodwill: the **some point **is in your future!!!

i even thought my husband was a little geeky. he was my friend. i found myself having ‘feelings’ for him, but they weren’t precisely the ‘hots’ i’d had in the past. good thing, too. those ‘hots’ always had ended badly for me.

anyway i worried that maybe it would always be, well… a little dull. but maybe dull was good, right? safe, right? maybe this saved us from the stress of unrealistic expectations.

twenty one years of marriage later: chemistry happens. fireworks still happen. he has aged so astonishingly well. he went from a little geeky to completely handsome. i, on the other hand, lost my figure and look every day my age. he doesn’t notice. he thinks i’m the cutest thing he ever saw.

i’d marry him a hundred times over in a hundred more lifetimes.
 
Thank you very much everyone. For update’s sake, everything is going extremely well between my best friend and I. I am very sure now that I made the right decision!
 
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