Marrying into a big family

  • Thread starter Thread starter StephanieC
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

StephanieC

Guest
I’m looking for some good ole CA Forum advice about marrying into a large family.

We’ve been married about 2 years & my (small & quiet) family of origin lives about 8 hours away. We frequently see my husband’s very large (& loud) immediate and extended family.

Just when I think I have understood and accepted their family dynamics & feel comfortable with these truly giving people, WHAM!–we get together for one of the countless functions there are, and my feathers get ruffled anew.

My husband is wonderfully understanding about this transition for me; we are able to sit and have great discussions about the different (& often funny) nuances in the families we come from.

I’m just trying to be pro-active about finding ways I might further embrace & accept his family, and am finding it somewhat overwhelming, just considering their sheer numbers!

If you’ve experienced a similar transition, I’m curious:

-do you always get together for every major/special event (birthdays, anniversaries,baptisms, 1st HC, plus holidays, etc.)?

-where do you draw the line re: time commitments?

-how long had you been married before you felt like your husband’s family was also YOUR family?

Any encouragement will be appreciated!
 
I"m an only child, husband is one of 8. So yes, there’s a shock value there. We were young when we met and married, and I remember the early years were a shock to me. Although it wasn’t long before the lines of ‘your family and my family’ totally blurred into our family.

His family has a generation grandkids from newborn to 25 years old, so there’s always things to go to for the nieces and nephews. We go to what we can, and what we can’t we don’t worry about, cause not everyone can make it to everything. (except 40, 45, and 50th anniversary party for his parents, those are mandatory - but with good reason).

All get togethers seem to be chaotic - but in a great way. I love being part of a big family - it is truly a blessing.
 
I although I have no personal experience to share, your situation sounds like that movie “Big Fat Greek Wedding.”😃
 
40.png
mommy:
All get togethers seem to be chaotic - but in a great way. I love being part of a big family - it is truly a blessing.
Click to expand...
I agree! I’ve noticed that my comfort level often varies depending on the location, i.e., our house, in-laws’ house, elsewhere, etc.
 
Hi, Stephanie,

Well, I’m from a big family, but our dynamics are not nearly as overwhelming as those of my husband’s wonderful, enormous and extremely close Mexican family!

If you’ve every seen “Fools Rush In,” you’ll remember the scene where Salma Hayek invites Mathew Perry to a “family dinner” that turns out to be this huge fiesta with 50+ “family” members… And he finds out it happens every Wednesday.

Well, that’s no exaggeration - we attend those functions all the time! It’s the highlight of everyone’s week.

It took me a long, long time to settle down and enjoy spending 5- to 10-hour lunches or dinners (really)with such huge groups of people I didn’t know. Everyone knew each other intimately–I was out of the family jokes, and all the conversation was in Spanish, which was hard to keep up with all evening long! Suffice it to say I struggled at first, and do understand where you’re coming from.

Here’s my advice:
  1. Keep lines of communication open with your husband, before and during a big family event. Develop signals like “I need to get out of here” or “rescue me, please” or “Come to the kitchen with me, I need a break.”
  2. Make every effort to be outgoing and friendly to his family members outside of those big get-togethers, whether through sending birthday cards, making a lunch date with your sister in law, etc. If people know that you really mean well, they’ll be much less likely to call you cold or stand-offish when you just don’t have the energy for another big event, or just want to leave early one day.
  3. Humor, humor, humor. All my in-laws now know that after 3 hours of Spanish conversation, even though I’m fluent, my brain is full. I can’t concentrate, I can’t talk, I can’t think, I need to leave. We acknowledge it and laugh about it.
  4. Rather than try and develop close relationships with everyone, take time to bond with one or two family members with whom you “click” best. My father in law is a gem; at dinner parties, we are thick as thieves because of our mutual hobbies and interests. Because of our relationship, I actually look forward to Sunday afternoons with the in-laws.
  5. Do know that it will get easier with time - be yourself, don’t be too self-conscious about being “out of the loop”, and focus on bringing something positive and unique to every family get-together, rather than on having to “suffer through” the ordeal. I enjoy cooking, and so I bring desert or an appetizer to those dinners with me when I feel like it, and that goes a long way to good relations. Every large family, however close, enjoys the contributions, fresh perspectives, and new dynamics of a friendly newcomer.
  6. Finally, as long as you acknowledge how important the family is for your in-laws, feel free to draw the line ANYWHERE you and your husband see fit. You and he are the main family you should both worry about.
 
My family is pretty small, and I think our largest holiday had 8 people there. My in-laws are a completely different story. I counted one Thanksgiving, and there was 75 family members there. Talk about different!

My in-laws are a very friendly group, and welcome anyone into their fold. It took a couple years to get used to being around so many people. Now, though, my husband and I are living across the country from them, and I miss spending holidays with the whole clan! I really have adopted them as my family, and love spending time with them. Just give it time!
 
If you’ve experienced a similar transition, I’m curious: My family of origin was 6. His 4. Extended family for us was large when combined.

-do you always get together for every major/special event (birthdays, anniversaries,baptisms, 1st HC, plus holidays, etc.)? Absolutely not. We weaned ourselves and family slowly of these ‘obligations’. SLOWLY

-where do you draw the line re: time commitments? We sometimes attend funerals - sometimes weddings- sometimes family reunions- sometimes baptisms - sometimes I go alone- sometimes he goes alone- sometimes we go together

-how long had you been married before you felt like your husband’s family was also YOUR family? I felt like his was mine immediately

Married almost a quarter century and it works - no complaints from either party

Relatives can be overwhelming and time consuming - husbands and wives owe allegiance only to each other
 
If you get overwhelmed w/ so many people, find a few you like most and relate to and hang out with them. My husband has one brother, I have 4. Dh jokes that he married me for my family! —KCT
 
My husband is youngest out of 11 so when we all getogether for the family picnic and every other x-mas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc. I am even after 12 years of marriage, still, overwhelmed, so your not alone. Its lots of sister in laws and brother in laws and now neices and nephews of the older siblings kids who are grown and now married and starting families and they come too and its just plain huge at events and lots of opinions, feelings, people who don’t see eachother sometimes very often, wow, it can be very crazy, but I just take it for what it is, these are my husbands siblings, their spouses and their kids and my husband does not get to see them very often so lets make nice and get through the day, or thats what I tell myself, it does get easier as time goes by, in the beginning when your the new one in the family, wow, it can be not easy but it does get better, so just take it real slow and be honest if your overwhelmed and stay close to your hubby, I did that the first few years and that helped alot and now I do pretty darn good at family gatherings and of course having kids helps too 😃
 
Thanks for the replies so far! I’ve been thinking them over. I probably am guilty of trying to get to know & like everyone immediately (something that’s more important in a smaller family).

I also have realized that I need to speak up sooner when I’ve had “enough”, and not over-stay at get togethers.
 
I’m resurrecting this thread since the holiday gatherings are fast approaching & I’d love to hear the suggestions of some of the newer participants who have shown much wisdom in similar threads!!!

Any pro-active, constructive ideas or spiritual exercises to help someone like me who still finds herself exhausted after a few hours of big family gathering?
 
I have the opposite problem. I have roughly 40 people in the immediate and directly extended family (meaning, just sisters/brothers and their kids). I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! Feathers get ruffled every 5 minutes, but then the next thing you know, we’re sharing a cookie or some egg nog. I guess it’s a lesson in how to grow a thick skin.

At any rate, I can’t STAND going to my husband’s parents house most of the time. They can all just sit in one room (“all” being like 4 or 5 people) and just stare at eachother in uncomfortable silence, not saying a word…just smiling at each other. It’s like everyone’s so uptight! It’s like they have known eachother for generations and generations, yet every time they get together they have to “warm up” again.

I love my family. All their loudness, quirks, dysfunctionalities, etc…they are a handful, and like you, my husband and I have had our fair share of both fun and heartfelt conversations about the families and their differences.

That said, his family being so small, and my family being so “Come one, come all,” his family celebrates the holidays with us. Any baptism, wedding, holiday, etc…they are considered invited and expected to come have fun!

In general, I find that a nice dry glass of red wine makes everyone infinitely easier to tolerate. Myself included. 😃

Cheers!
 
HEHE! I am in the reverse situation. I am the oldest of 12 with huge family gatherings and lots of chaos and kids, and DH is the oldest of 3, and the family age is much older to begin with. I remember how much it shocked me to have Christmas with his family-- very proper, taking turns to open gifts, lots of quiet converse, and only 1 baby… In fact, I went from being the oldest in my generation at gatherings to being almost the youngest!!!

I see some good advice here: stick to DH, and find just a few family members you are comfortable with at first. At each gathering, you will learn more about SOMEONE in the room, or perhaps someone will come to talk to the aunt/uncle/cousin/etc. with whom you are talking primarily. It worked for me with DH’s paternal side of the family-- his dad is the oldest of 8, so there are lots of aunts, uncles and cousins who look alot alike! I can now recognize all the aunts and uncles, and even make rounds at holiday gatherings.

As far as attending all events, I don’t know if that is sane, even if it is possible. It all depends on your own schedule, and your comfort level. We live 3 hours from my family and 13 hours from his, so we obviously miss out on alot of family gatherings, and it is understandable. We do try to get there for the important gatherings, but a 13 hour drive is really difficult for even a 50th wedding anniversary party.
 
My husband has only three siblings and extended family (lots of aunts and uncles) but I may as well have been marrying into a huge family. I grew up with my family on the other side of the world. All I had here was my mother and father and sister. Three people. We did all holidays together, we never had to visit family, there were no family gatherings, it was just us. I don’t see that as being particularly beneficial now, but it was all I knew.

The first Christmas when we were engaged, we went to my fiancee’s family gathering and OMGoodness. I think my eyes probably popped out of my head when I looked at the driveway and all these people. I’m not a crowd person anyway and not knowing anyone made it hard. The aunt whose place it was was very welcoming though and I found my own corner and did ok. At first we did visit his family and mine at their places for Christmas. That was ok,but then came the babies, my parents moved, we moved and it wasn’t so easy any more.

After having my own family, I wished for Christmas in my own home for once but no-one from my husband’s family wanted to stop going to my husband’s parents each year and my sister had obligations to her husband’s family that made it difficult for them, so we decided to catch up with my family on Boxing Day and just have our own Christmas at home (like I grew up with) as an immediate family. One year we didn’t go up to the inlaws because we had a brand new baby and they were very upset with us. The thing was, that I was quite unwell with a breast infection I was trying to avoid becoming an abcess, so we didn’t think there should have been any question about us coming or not. Because they were upset we didn’t come, we weren’t told about the gathering the next year so assumed we weren’t expected. For years we weren’t told and then MIL got all upset with us about not coming for Christmas.

We tried explaining our perspective on travelling (and that spending 8 hours in the car on Christmas Day was not what the children wanted and we wanted to be able to relax at Christmas, not spend all that time in the car). We offered to have them visit Boxing Day but they didn’t want that. Anyway, MIL is a real control freak and whenever she doesn’t get her way, all hell breaks loose. She refuses to speak to us any day of the year now.

I was 18 when I got married and had no experience of family. I just went along with whatever my husband did as I needed him to show me what big families did and expected him to organise things with his family as I did with mine. Now I know that my husband isn’t very good at that, as his mother always organised everything for the family, and I didn’t have the knowledge of how to work with a big family, so this might have led to some misunderstanding. The problems do run a bit deeper than that - a lot actually - but hindsight is everything I guess.

I now have my own ‘large family’ and can’t say I have any expectation about how future holidays, etc, will unfold. I’m happy to just go with the flow though as individual needs will differ and it’s not worth conflicting about.

Sometimes I think I missed out growing up without family, other times I think I was lucky to miss all the drama 😉
 
There are 7 kids in dh’s family. His 3 brothers live out of state. His 3 sisters live here. It was (and still is) difficult for me to “fit in” with the sisters. It’s much better when the other SILs come to functions. His sisters are very tight and do things together. They like to party and drink, and sometimes conversation turns pretty R-rated. So, they consider me a prude and “judgemental” because I don’t participate in that. At family gatherings, I just keep a smile on my face, and am politely pleasant. I usually end up playing with the kids. Even when it’s time to clean up the kitchen, I get a little pushed aside, as they like to do that together. So, my job is to clear the table, and pick up the living room. I always bring a couple dishes to pass even if they tell me not to bring anything (I’ve made the mistake in the past not to bring something, and found out that everyone brought something!!). The best advice I can give, is just be pleasant, NEVER engage in family gossip (it won’t be taken well from the “outsider”), participate in clean up, bring a dish to pass, and stick by dh or the other in-laws. If you try too hard to “fit in”, it’ll fall flat. Also, you don’t need to attend EVERY function. Take your dh’s lead in this. I let my dh make the decisions as to what funcitons to attend. I used to make him go to everything, as I didn’t want the family to be mad at us, but no longer. It’s just too much. When he declines an invitation, I make sure he makes it clear that HE made the decision, so everyone doesn’t think I don’t want to go to the function. Hope I helped!
 
-do you always get together for every major/special event (birthdays, anniversaries,baptisms, 1st HC, plus holidays, etc.)?

-where do you draw the line re: time commitments?

-how long had you been married before you felt like your husband’s family was also YOUR family?

Hi Stephanie,

Iam from a large family, in total, 8 girls, and 4 boys. ( my mom had 10 of them with my dad ) Iam the exact opposite of you, but feel the same sometimes! I married into a very small family! I’ve been married for 6 and 3/4 years. I feel like his family was also mine, until his mom started wigging out about him moving to Canada, and calling me foul names, ext. As for time commitments, well, I can’t really answer that, suffice it to say, that you should create a plan what you do, and how much time you spend doing it, and so on with your hubby. You need to sit down and talk to him about this. It can feel really odd when you come into a very large family. Myt husband is an only child, and I told him from the outset that we
love to gather together when we can, and told him we can be loud
and laugh loud, and have tons of fun when we are all together, and now he feels like part of the entire clan 🙂 Which he is 🙂 I don’t think he ever felt left out, but he was reserved at first. Its alot for one person to take in, and can make you feel out of sorts I could never grasp the small family lifestyle, until I met my husband. So, we both had to adjust alot. I find that in big families, the welcome is incredible! Its so much fun to be around, and be part of a big family, that I cannot imagine ever anything else! Small families have tons of fun too, and are close knit, like our large families are.
Loud spoken people can scare reserved type people, or people who are just not used to the situation. I say, get to know these people, and relax a bit, and give it time. Sooner or later, you might feel like your just another part of the clan. My husband does.
Trust me, if we could all get together for anniversaries and holidays, we would! Too bad that we all live so far apart! I missed my last 2 family gatherings, and it was hard to deal with 😦 But
let me tell you, once our finances are in order, Iam going to go see my family! I love my big family, and love spending time with them all 🙂 I just wished we all lived close to each other! My parents would like it for sure! We all would! Even my hubby!
 
Thanks for your replies so far, everyone!

It’s funny that (so far) there have been more posts from folks from large families who married into smaller families…it’s been a good reminder for me to be on the alert & be more sensitive to my husband’s experience with my family.

Also, God-willing, we hope to have a large family of our own! So this is a very good lesson to me about some inherent differences between large & small family dynamics. I’m discovering a lot about my own small family “language”–we can say so little, but mean so much. Whereas, in my husband’s family, folks tend to be a little more blunt, and don’t tip-toe around delicate topics.

I love my small family of origin, but I also see the benefits of a large family, and it’s been good to read posts from so many others who love being from a large family. Kind of affirms what I’m hoping to raise for our family.

It’s been good for me to learn how to say, for example, “No, thank you” instead of , “Oh, that’s all right…you don’t have to…” when declining an offer or suggestion.

It’s been good lesson in “How to Get Along Without Trying to Change People” for me.

I think (but I don’t know) that it’s been a good lesson for my husband’s family in being more sensitive to my privacy, and allowing relationships to develop naturally, instead of forcing them.

Sometimes it helps me to think about Mary & Joseph, and the in-laws that Mary could have acquired. I wonder how she dealt with it all. Well, obviously, not as sinfully as I have! 😃
 
My family is large. I am the youngest of 7, my husband is the youngest of 3.

My husband and I are both the noise-sensitive intellectual type. It is difficult for both of us to be around a huge group of my loud family, even though I grew up in it. I don’t really fit in with either of our families, I am a Catholic convert, a homeschooling, non-contracepting mother and wife, and I live in a very small town and very seldom shop till I drop. I don’t often have much to say to my family, since we don’t see eye-to-eye on nearly everything. We don’t get a new car every year, I wear the same clothes from season to season. I don’t look to get my children out of my hair every minute or gripe about their presence. There is no spiritual connection either. I am pretty much out of place.

So it is strange that I do miss seeing them, but I do, they are my family and that is blood. We may have 5 minutes of meaningful conversation a year. But that is all I have and I am thankful I guess, that at least we aren’t hostile.

I do feel sadness that my children are growing up not seeing their grandparents or aunts or uncles very often. Most of them haven’t even seen our 2nd and 3rd children.

I still think of my husband’s family as “his” family. Two much-older childless-by-choice siblings, I don’t have much in common at all with them but they will sit and have a discussion about something other than, “The other day I bought the cutest little…!!!” I am glad that we’ve been able to bless his parents with grandchildren which may never have happened if my husband hadn’t married a good-old faithful Catholic.

Praise God!! for his dynamic creation of all peoples.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top