Matron of honor - second marriage?

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Debann

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My husband’s sister will be engaged soon and I’ve heard that she is planning to ask me to be the matron of honor. We are not very close, but she doesn’t have any friends, really, and it seems she will be asking me. Her and her boyfriend both have children from different relationships. My sister-in-law has not been married in the past, but her boyfriend is divorced.

It seems that their living together, although morally wrong, would at least be corrected by the sacrament of marriage. However, is it permissable for me to act as her matron of honor, let alone even to attend a wedding such as this where her future husband is divorced? He is not seeking an annulment. He is not Catholic. Although their marriage would probably take place in the Catholic church (due to my mother-in-law’s decision), my sister-in-law is not a practicing Catholic.

Let me conclude by saying that, without a doubt, there would be an extreme amount of anger and bitterness if I did not attend the wedding or agree to be her matron of honor (both from my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law). I don’t want to endure that, but more than that, I want to do the right thing by God.

Thanks
 
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Debann:
My husband’s sister will be engaged soon and I’ve heard that she is planning to ask me to be the matron of honor. We are not very close, but she doesn’t have any friends, really, and it seems she will be asking me. Her and her boyfriend both have children from different relationships. My sister-in-law has not been married in the past, but her boyfriend is divorced.

It seems that their living together, although morally wrong, would at least be corrected by the sacrament of marriage. However, is it permissable for me to act as her matron of honor, let alone even to attend a wedding such as this where her future husband is divorced? He is not seeking an annulment. He is not Catholic. Although their marriage would probably take place in the Catholic church (due to my mother-in-law’s decision), my sister-in-law is not a practicing Catholic.

Let me conclude by saying that, without a doubt, there would be an extreme amount of anger and bitterness if I did not attend the wedding or agree to be her matron of honor (both from my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law). I don’t want to endure that, but more than that, I want to do the right thing by God.

Thanks
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They can not get married in the Catholic church as he is still married. If he is divorce and there is no annulment. He is still married. There can be no correction to just living together in the eyes of the Church this marriage can not happen. I would have to say under no circumstances should you be directly involved in this “wedding”.
 
I agree with Aesq. There is nothing your MIL can decide to make it happen in the Catholic Church if he is divorced.

If it were me I would just wait for some resolution on its own. If they cannot marry in the Church then they might have to make other plans. If she does ask, I might ploitely say, “I am honored that you asked me. Are you sure you want me and not another close friend to stand up with you?” That puts the explanation on her.

The most important question is, how does your husband want you to handle it? If there is a problem with his Mom then HE needs to handle it. One of the great things about marriage is that your spouse chose you. They don’t usually make us decide the hard stuff when it comes to their own family. His family, its his job. Your family, its your job.

Good luck!
 
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Debann:
He is not seeking an annulment. He is not Catholic.
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Where did his first marriage take place? Justice of the peace? Another Christian church? Was it a sacramental marriage that would need to be annulled?
—KCT
 
Let me clarify (or elaborate) on a few points.

I suppose it is possible that her boyfriend is seeking an annulment and my husband & I just don’t know about it yet.

In the event that they get married outside of the Catholic church, what would be the position to take as far as even attending or not?

As far as my husband goes, much of the time he does not confront his family on issues. I’m usually on my own (although he is a wonderful guy other than that). He, like his sister, attended PSR classes and was “raised Catholic” but does not know our faith very well. However, it was only about 4 months ago that he was the Best Man in a friend’s 4th wedding (outside the Catholic church, of course). That is sort of what got me to thinking about this whole wedding party issue. He couldn’t “imagine not being there for his friend” as he put it. He has, however, in the last couple of months expressed the interest in learning our faith better and has even started reading some Catholic literature, listening to tapes (Fr. Corapi), etc. So I’m hopeful that he will begin to be there with me on these things in the future.

Thanks again
 
It depends on whether or not the boyfriend’s first marriage was sacramental or not. He may not need an annulment. I’m sure the priest who is officiating their marriage ceremony will have discussed this with them and ascertained the necessary information before agreeing to officiate. Otherwise there would be no “marriage” taking place, and a Catholic priest shouldn’t/wouldn’t agree to overlooking that detail.

The priest will also probably ask them questions regarding whether or not they plan to welcome new children and if they will raise all of their children Catholic. He may also require them to separate before marriage or at the very least to live as brother and sister before the wedding.

You might discuss your obligations with a priest of your choosing. My husband’s CINO cousin got married in a non-denominational outdoor ceremony and my dh was very worried about attending. A priest friend told him that it is only permissible to not attend when there is greater charity (love) in doing so. (For instance, I did not go to a wedding of a very good Catholic friend who knew exactly what she was doing and chose to ignore the requirement to get a dispensation before marrying in another denomination. She eventually had her marriage blessed and thanked those of us who did not support her, even though it was hurtful for her. The difference is that she had full knowledge and my dh’s cousin did NOT.) Most of the time there is greater charity in choosing to voice your concerns, give encouragement and pray they go in the right direction–but not cause a family feud by hurting a misguided loved one’s feelings by boycotting the wedding. It doesn’t sound as if your SIL has the theological knowledge to understand even the implications of her situation. You of course are obligated to try and direct her in the right way, but we cannot force anyone to live any which way and nor can we give them the understanding of the truth we present. Talk to your priest.
 
Where would the damage be in attending a wedding and standing up for someone who has no one else to stand up for her? It’s more charitable and a better example of Christian kindness to do this than to stay away because he was married before and not seeking a divorce and they had lived together.

It hardly seems possible if his marriage isn’t annulled that the wedding will be in a Catholic church, but we’re suppose to lead by example. I don’t see serious harm coming to you by being kind and helping them out. It’s not like it’s a satanic wedding, or bizarre–probably a civil ceremony or non-denom will wind up being the case.

Maybe it’ll be a day where you actually end up having a good time, feeling good because you helped someone out and take a step closer to doing the right thing, and maybe by showing some of your wonderful Catholic christian kindness, plant the seed of conversion.

Penitent
 
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Princess_Abby:
It depends on whether or not the boyfriend’s first marriage was sacramental or not. He may not need an annulment.
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This is a misstatement of doctrine. All marriages are presumed valid by the Church until proven otherwise. If he has been married before there must be an annulment.
 
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Aesq:
This is a misstatement of doctrine. All marriages are presumed valid by the Church until proven otherwise. If he has been married before there must be an annulment.
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If he’s not a baptized Christian, and if his former “wife” is not a baptized Christian, there would be no possibility of sacramental marriage and an annulment would not be needed. Right?
 
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. The great thing about this forum is that it really helps you think through your issue(s). As I’ve thought through this issue since posting last night, I think I know what is really the better thing to do…showing her charity in all other ways, but simply not attending the wedding. I fully realize that it is not like it’s a satanic wedding or anything (as Penitent suggested…that was so funny…nothing like being extreme, you know!), it still doesn’t make it right. I guess we could then say that attending a gay marriage is not attending a satanic wedding…too funny!. Although my SIL does not have deep “theological knowledge” of the Catholic faith, she does understand the basics of the Catholic’s church’s teachings and has decided she doesn’t agree with most of them. Everything from abortion to confession to the Eucharist to attending Mass. Her boyfriend is a baptised Christian, by the way. While I can’t (and wouldn’t even try to) prevent the marriage, I don’t feel right being a part of it. I’m thinking back to that quotation: “What would Jesus do?” and really think that he would be charitable in all ways possible, but would not agree to be his friend’s Best Man and would not even attend a wedding which basically tries to put a blessing on adultery.

Having said all of this, I will probably not have the courage to not attend. I’ll probably end up at least attending because, believe me, there will be a family feud even if I bring up my concerns in a polite way. Yippee!

Wish I had more guts!

Thanks again
 
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Princess_Abby:
If he’s not a baptized Christian, and if his former “wife” is not a baptized Christian, there would be no possibility of sacramental marriage and an annulment would not be needed. Right?
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No, not really. While it seems logical that it would not be a valid marriage, the Church still presumes the marriage to be valid and requires proof that it was not. That is the whole purpose of the Tribunal. To determine if the marriage was valid. If a person was legally married then the Church requires an annulment to be granted before another marriage. Even if the marriage was totally outside of the Church. Certainly the baptism status of the parties is a factor and is one of the questions that the Tribunal asks.
 
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Debann:
I guess we could then say that attending a gay marriage is not attending a satanic wedding…too funny!.
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Huge difference between this and a gay marriage…didn’t want anyone left with the impression my above sentiments extended to a marriage in opposition to what the Catholic church teaches, however, I believe God blesses even those weddings that are not Catholic and not sacramental (and I bet He sure does hope someone down here prays for those not-quite-married-yet-in-the-church folks)…I’m so glad though that those who attended my civil ceremony after I had lived with my future-spouse did attend, and even happier the church blessed our marriage several years later. I’d have felt awful had no one showed up the first time round.

Penitent
 
Penitent,

I’m sorry, but although God may bless marriages outside of the Catholic faith, I truly do not believe he blesses a marriage where one party is still married to another person (as her boyfriend is with his 1st wife…in the eyes of the Catholic Church). I think our faith teaches us that we are to be married but once…until death do us part.

In reviewing your other posts throughout this forum, I really agree with what you’ve had to say, but cannot agree with you on this one. Sounds like perhaps you’ve got an issue from the past that has sort of tainted your view. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, though, and at least we agree on far more than we disagree on.

If I caused any insult by my reaction to the satanic marriage comparison, that was not my intention and please accept my apologies. It’s just that your comment really took me by surprise.

Thanks again.
Yours in Christ,
Debbie
 
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Debann:
Sounds like perhaps you’ve got an issue from the past that has sort of tainted your view.
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No issue from the past here (and my only regret in life was taking so long to come back to the faith)–no tainted view either…simply an opinion. I used to be a Catholic who pretty much isolated herself from what went on in the non-Catholic world around her, but thanks to reading this forum, my view is changing and I’m pretty much realizing we have to affect our world in a positive way by charity and example. This forum opened my eyes in a lot of ways and I can say I’m surprised by how much my heart has been softened by my time here.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing and don’t stress over the family issues…they always get resolved one way or the other with God in control.

Penitent
 
Yeah, I agree about the value of this forum. And, yes, I do plan on being charitable (in all of my words to her and prayers for her) and leading by example (by not bearing witness to her marrying an already married man). I love her just the same.

Bye now
 
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