Matron of Honor

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love4mary

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A very protential and explosive problem. I am engaged and am in the process of planning my wedding:eek: but I ran into a MAJOR snag.

My younger sister expects to be my Matron of Honor (I was her’s at her wedding) we are very close but the problem is,

1st. She is not Catholic
2nd. She has been married 5 times:eek:

She is my sister and I Love her dearly and I know she wants to be my Matron of Honor, but under the circumstances, would this be proper? and if not,how in the world do I tell her NO she can’t and not hurt her terribly?

My wedding is going to be a very Traditional Catholic Mass Wedding.
 
She can be your matron of honor. I have never heard of pitching one’s own sister out of that hallowed spot because her morals weren’t up to snuff, and I have never heard of anyone being scandalized because someone did not reject her own sister on those grounds. In fact, I’ve never heard of making that selection on a plain assessment of morals. That would require publicly judging the souls of all your close friends: not something Mother Church is likely to smile on!

Think of it this way: the Mass is valid whether or not the priest who offers it is himself in a state of grace. Surely you see that the matron of honor is far less vital than that.

The only thing that might disqualify her is if she were too young or in some other way not legally competent to be a witness of record to a marriage. It is not about her dictating to you how a marriage is run or serving as the day’s shining example of marital fidelity.

Nevertheless, I think you would feel better if you talked to your pastor about this. He will guide you as to whether you should say anything to her about other things that might concern you, such as whether or not she is in a state of grace to receive Commnunion. (And unless you plan on excluding everyone you think is not in a state of grace from your invitation list, let’s not even go to whether her choice on that is your responsibility.)

Listen to what he has to say, and hand your anxieties over to God.
 
Ouch. Yes, I can see the potential for pain here. I’m no apologist or theologian or canon lawyer, but I don’t see any problem with a non-Catholic standing as your matron of honor. I know that this role is legal, and if previous times the matron of honor attested to your virginity at your wedding. Things are clearly different in our current society.

As for her being married five times, again I don’t see that keeping her from being your matron of honor. The question is, do you want your sister to be your matron of honor?

If you do want her in this role, I would have a conversation with her about what her role would be standing with you. Tell her you want her to stand with you and be a stand for your marriage lasting until death parts you. Tell her what a sacramental marriage means to you and the importance of your faith to your marriage. Keep it all about you, so she can fully understand what you want from her in this role.

If you don’t want your sister as your matron of honor, perhaps there is some other role she can take? Can she sing, play an instrument, plan the reception, do card tricks? I guess I don’t really have any advice if you don’t want her standing with you. When my brother got married the second time, he and his fiance asked me to stand at the guest book. I politely declined as I thougth this was a stupid role and didn’t feel the slightest need to be included in a wedding of a marriage we all knew would never last. Oops, sorry for the digression.

Blessings to you and your fiance. Keep the love of you and your sister in the forefront and keep praying. You will find your way in love.

Gertie
 
love4mary said:
A My younger sister expects to be my Matron of Honor (I was her’s at her wedding) we are very close but the problem is,

1st. She is not Catholic
2nd. She has been married 5 times:eek:

.
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ask your pastor for guidance.
quite frankly I don’t know the requirements for the witnesses to a Catholic wedding, if they are the same as for a godparent, one of the other bridesmaids can be the official witness that signs the certificate.

tell your sister what you plan for the nuptial Mass and ask if she will be uncomfortable sitting down while others receive communion, and explain you don’t want to put her on the spot.
 
I understand your dilemma. It was assumed, not just by my sister, that she would be my maid of honor (she’s younger than me and unmarried) when I got married. Well, time came around and it seemed fine, until she started getting really negative about me getting married. She has bi-polar disorder and so she goes through phases, usually a month or so at a time, where she’s really good, and then where she’s really bad. Well, I got engaged during her “good” phase and so had no problem with her being my maid of honor. As the months progressed, she got worse and worse and was saying awful things about my DH and our relationship and it really hurt for her to have that attitude. She also tends to like to be the center of attention and I was afraid she’d say something awful or do something right before the wedding (such as refuse to be a bridesmaid or something). She came to my bridal shower, given by my MIL two states away, and was a sour pickle the whole time there, refusing to even acknowledge my new soon-to-be family.

So, I booted her. But I did it in a way that still made her seem special and explained it as such that she could relate. I told her we decided to put my bestfriend Bri as maid of honor because she fit much better with our best man (DH’s brother - who my sister is about a foot shorter than) and put her with someone more her height. Since all the bridesmaids looked the same and all were really close friends (or family), she knew I wasn’t really picking favorites.

This isn’t the decision everyone should make. It was really important to me, though, that I had someone who would really back my marriage up. My bestfriend actually is not Catholic, but she understands the sacredness of marriage and really looks up to DH and I as a couple (she’s hopefully soon getting married!) and will always be there to say “Work it out!” when hard times come our way.

So, even though our situations are night and day, I just thought I’d share with you what I did. You know your sister best. If not having her as your matron of honor would ruin your relationship and you have a close bond, I would just let it be…my sister and I didn’t have a great bond and after the wedding, we actually had a better one, but it’s definitely a case-by-case situation. Pray about it and as a previous poster mentioned, seek the counsel of a priest maybe :).
 
As one who prepares couples for marriage. Know this, the regulation for witnesses to a marriage, mean just that…witnesses that you exchanged your vows before God and the minister. There is no requirement that they be practicing their faith, or be confirmed as is the case for Godparents…because in the sacrament of baptism, Godparents represent the church and one needs to be fully formed in the church to do that.

However, witnesses are people who do just that, witness to your sacred vows. So while you may be concerned about having your sister as your witness, there is no Church regulation that would prohibit her from being your witness. You are free to make that decision.

Pray on it! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Perhaps you will be the good influence and the reason she returns to practice her own faith! You never know, God works through people!
 
I don’t believe that it is a requirement for Maid/Matron of Honor or Best Man to be Catholic. Out of my Daughter’s attendants, Maid of Honor & 4 Bridesmaids, One Best Man & 4 Groomsmen, One Ring Bearer & Two Flower Girls, only the Ring Bearer & the Flower Girls were Catholic. In our research & planning of the wedding, we never came across anything that would indicate otherwise.
 
Thank You all for your advice/(name removed by moderator)ut. I did not at any time wish to judge my sister or to exclude her. This is all very new to me, I have been a Catholic all of 3 years and have Never attended nor have I been a part of a Catholic Wedding, so I honestly didn’t know. I just want to do the right thing here.

Mark it up to pre-wedding jitters:p
 
love4mary said:
Thank You all for your advice/(name removed by moderator)ut. I did not at any time wish to judge my sister or to exclude her. This is all very new to me, I have been a Catholic all of 3 years and have Never attended nor have I been a part of a Catholic Wedding, so I honestly didn’t know. I just want to do the right thing here.

Mark it up to pre-wedding jitters:p
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Talk to your pastor…it’s about his 800th time. He probably doesn’t even roll his eyes anymore! 😃
 
I don’t know if this differs from diocese to diocese, but my pastor said my witnesses (best man and maid of honor) should be confirmed Catholics, but allowed me to have my then 14 yo daughter as witness because she was very familiar with her catechism (top student in parish school) even though she wasn’t confirmed yet. She is now being confirmed this week and we have been married a year and a half.
 
Can you have your mom be matron of honor? Moms trump sisters in the family pecking order, usually. Or maybe Grandma?
 
My mother is out concerning being my Matron of Honor. She has to many health problems that would keep her from standing up with me.

I have decided on my sister, but will have to spend some time with her concerning the proceedures at a Catholic Church. This will be a Full Nuptual (sp) Mass, so I want her as comfortable as possible. The hardest thing for her will be her language though. She using the F bomb and G D:eek: in her normal speech, and I fear these words will come out at the wrong time.:mad: (anytime being the wrong time).

On the UP side though, my 13 year old son said Yes to Giving me away and my 9 year old grandson will be my Ring Bearer.👍 Plus we have settled on a date. May 10, 2008.

I have found dress pattern now need to find just the right fabric and off to the sewing room for me.😃

God Bless you all for helping me with this little problem of mine.🙂
 
love4mary said:
…This will be a Full Nuptual (sp) Mass, so I want her as comfortable as possible. The hardest thing for her will be her language though. She using the F bomb and G D:eek: in her normal speech, and I fear these words will come out at the wrong time.:mad: (anytime being the wrong time)…🙂
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At least she doesn’t have a “speaking” part of the ceremony. 😉
 
One of my wife’s maids of honor at our wedding (full nuptual mass, 1970) was Jewish.

Barring special rules in your diocese, I don’t see a problem. You may want to have a talk with her about behaving herself at the ceremony and reception.

DaveBj
 
I think at least one of the 2 witnesses must be a Catholic.

I look at them like Godparents. The wedding party is not there to just look pretty. THey are the mantle of protection (my vocabulary) over the couple at the most vulnerable time. (Satan attacks the domestic family).

The history of the bridal veil is that all of the bridesmaids would wear them as well…so that demons do not know which person is the bride. They were fending off the demons from the couple!!!

IF I ever get married, my wedding party will not be bridesmaids/groomsmen tradition. I will have “sacramental witnesses”…that will be have the responsibilities of praying hard for marriage prep.
 
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