Mayday!

  • Thread starter Thread starter didymus
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

didymus

Guest
This is very hard to write so I hope you wil bear with me and thatI don’t get kicked off the Forums.

For years I had an addiction to porn and self-abuse. I’ve kicked the porn but still not completely conquered the other. Several months ago we discovered my16 y.o. (then 15) son was downloading porn.

When we confronted him it turned out he had found the flash drive I had kept my porn on – clever me, I didn’t leave it on our computer because I didn’t want him to know what Dad was up to.
I tried to be honest w/him & told him how addicting it is and he had a chance not to get addicted because he’d only been doing it a little while and I really thought we had reached an understanding.
After that I deleted everything, haven’t downlaoded anything since & “reverted” to Church.

Matt d/l’ed some more a couple things 2 or 3 months ago. He totally denied everything and we let the issue die but installed a program called Bsafe to block things. Then the other day, after much begging by Matt I unblocked his favorite chat site and this morning discovered he had gotten a whole bunch of pictures.

When we tried to talk to him he totally denied everything very angrily and said why do we always blame him for everything, why don’t we trust him or ever believe him, ect, etc.

I’m so disgusted with myself I want to blow my brains out – one good thing about being Catholic, that’s not allowed. But I not only failed to give Matt a Catholic upbringing but now I feel like I’ve set him firmly on the road to Hell.

Please pray for him and for me.

thanks,

didymus

PS – for anyone interested; there’s a free program called Telsain KidLogger, a keylogger that lets you see everything your child does on the computer – that’s how I found Matt’s latest doings. I forget where I downloaded it but I’m sure you can find it thru Google
 
Didymus,

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Lots of people have this problem - it’s just so hard to avoid all the smut that’s thrown in our faces all the time. I was recently doing a google search for a soup receipe - I opened a link and right there in my face were the most graphic porn pictures. It may have been the same thing with your son - maybe he stumbled upon it by accident - was curious and one thing let to another.

You are trying to help both him & yourself. It takes humility to admit you have a problem - so I give you much credit. Yes - it is a problem - but nothing our God can’t handle. You both will overcome this. Your son will see the example you set for him NOW.

We all fail. It’s how we respond afterwards that counts - and you are trying your best. God will Bless you for that.

CM
 
The computer is an occasion of sin. Remove it now. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Think of it this way; if you or your son is a alcoholic, then a prudent counselor and AA would advise the removal of all alcohol from the home and total abstention from drink for the whole household.

Here it is no different. In your home, this seemingly benign device has become at least an occasion of grave sin and addiction to one, maybe two. Time for at least a six month cool off from the computer.

I’m sure that those with greater expertise will chime in with better suggestions but step one is the ***computer has to go TODAY. ***Step two (around Easter 2006) may be the reinstallation of the computer in the highest traffic area of the home with the screen in full sight and at least two other people present.

Do not rely on software to protect you once the situation has evolved to this level. It can not take your place as supervisor of your children.

I would also suggest frequent Mass, Confession Rosary and Holy Hours. You are fighting a legion of demons and need to be ready to batten down the hatches for a serious battle.

You are not alone and in our prayers.
 
Do you also have a virus protection program on your computer with a spam blocker?

If not, then it’s quite possible your son was not downloading the porn but it was being spammed to him from the chat room he visits. It’s quite common to get a worm like that, one clicks on an innocent link and it opens up one site after another.

Trust is such a major, major issue to a kid. Please, listen to him. If he’s denying it, he may be telling the truth. But even if he isn’t telling the truth, insisting that he’s lying will get him to clam up about everything else he’s about to face as a teen because no matter what, you won’t believe him (that’s how they see things).

Our son’s psychologist recommended my son and his father go to breakfast once a week just to be together. That has worked wonders for their relationship. Most of the time they just joke around and chit chat about mundane things, but other times, they actually discuss serious matters. It’s so important for a kid to be able to feel comfortable with their parent.

Take a step back and don’t be so quick to project onto your son your own vices. Be his father. Be supportive. Be there. Let him know you trust him, that you over reacted and your sorry about that, but make sure he knows why you were so concerned. Let him know you appreciate he’s in a better position that you were and let him know you’re proud of him (even if he did do the downloading, this part is re-establishing trust). Once he’s more relaxed around you, then you can start having real conversations about the addiction, but mostly, just talk to him about Theology of the Body.

Kids his age are going through such a change, it’s important to infuse his ‘sex ed’ class and own research with the Truth from the church - it’s an added layer of information. Go to PureLoveClub.com and read through the site. Then go to the seminar section to pull up the Romance Without Regret talk. Listen to it, and if you feel it’s appropriate for your son, have him listen to it. My 15 and 17 year olds loved it. Bottom line is when the kids start showing their curiousity it’s time to teach them the Truth.
 
Daniel Kane:
The computer is an occasion of sin. Remove it now. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Think of it this way; if you or your son is a alcoholic, then a prudent counselor and AA would advise the removal of all alcohol from the home and total abstention from drink for the whole household.

Here it is no different. In your home, this seemingly benign device has become at least an occasion of grave sin and addiction to one, maybe two. Time for at least a six month cool off from the computer.

I’m sure that those with greater expertise will chime in with better suggestions but step one is the ***computer has to go TODAY. ***Step two (around Easter 2006) may be the reinstallation of the computer in the highest traffic area of the home with the screen in full sight and at least two other people present.

Do not rely on software to protect you once the situation has evolved to this level. It can not take your place as supervisor of your children.

I would also suggest frequent Mass, Confession Rosary and Holy Hours. You are fighting a legion of demons and need to be ready to batten down the hatches for a serious battle.

You are not alone and in our prayers.
Click to expand...
Good [but hard] advise…I second it. 😉
 
Unfortunately there are so many avenues to this smut I doubt even the removal of your home computer will diminish his exposure if he is determined to gain access to it. His friends, the school, heck, even the public libraries are means for access. What he needs is to address this problem head on before it becomes an entrenched habit. I wish I had a program to recommend…but I’m sure someone out there does–I know this has come up so many times on the forums and you are not alone in your struggle.
 
I can relate, I had a problem with this at a very young age. It took me a long time to overcome this. Actually all of the credit of overcomming this goes to the Lord. I couldnt do it myself, my brain was too polluted with that garbage! I just prayed constantly to God to change me and to give me the strength to overcome this deadly vice. God healed me the minute I started to call on him. I offered it up to the altar at mass(silently, to myself and God). He knows our hearts, he will help you too! I’ll keep you in my prayers.
God Bless!
 
Control H will show you the history of where users have been on your computer. Just a bit of info I just learned about and wanted to pass along.
 
Take total control of the computer! Protect your son at all costs and don’t feel like a hypocrit. Get some material for him to read about how destructive porn is. Educate him on a Catholic marriage. You say you failed to give him a Catholic education, stop beating yourself up and do your best. Pray together as a family every morning, to have the strength to follow God’s law and will, to be the people God created you to be. Our family prays that every morning.

No matter how difficult it is, take all chatrooms away from him and all websites except those which you have approved of. Lock him out! Be not afraid, you can turn this thing around!

Far too many people think porn is harmless, that playboy is art, etc. This is especially true of young people who are taught to have an open mind, to value freedom of expression, taught sex ed in school, etc. We are far too tolerant of porn. I was the most American Apple pie Cathoic girl in the world and I can remember saying that playboy was harmless, etc. It is actually extremely destructive evil in a pretty and addictive package.

Remember the passages about it being better for a man to poke out his eyes than to look at a woman lustfully, Turn this around even if it means taking away his internet access. It is that important.

God Bless you, I hope you are successful in your endeavor and I am glad you found your way through the woods. Our culture is sick and we are all mixed up in it. Only the Grace of God can save us from ourselves!
 
It makes me angry when I think about this but my husband’s cousins gave him pornographic magazines to look at when he was only 5. He was at a family reunion and spent days upstairs looking at the junk. It is so sad that children fall victim to this.
 
Daniel Kane:
The computer is an occasion of sin. Remove it now. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Think of it this way; if you or your son is a alcoholic, then a prudent counselor and AA would advise the removal of all alcohol from the home and total abstention from drink for the whole household.

Here it is no different. In your home, this seemingly benign device has become at least an occasion of grave sin and addiction to one, maybe two. Time for at least a six month cool off from the computer.

I’m sure that those with greater expertise will chime in with better suggestions but step one is the ***computer has to go TODAY. ***Step two (around Easter 2006) may be the reinstallation of the computer in the highest traffic area of the home with the screen in full sight and at least two other people present.

Do not rely on software to protect you once the situation has evolved to this level. It can not take your place as supervisor of your children.

I would also suggest frequent Mass, Confession Rosary and Holy Hours. You are fighting a legion of demons and need to be ready to batten down the hatches for a serious battle.

You are not alone and in our prayers.
Click to expand...
I agree with everything in this post. Our computer is smack dab in the living room! I also have holy cards on the computer here and there to remind me.
 
St. Isidore of Seville is the patron saint of computers, databases and networks. Ask his help, even make a picture of St. Isidore your desktop wallpaper. Everybody else has some great ideas. I don’t know, however, if you need the computer to earn your living. If so, you might want to consider the blockers, use CTRL+H, and put it in that high-traffic area.
 
Get counseling for him. This is a sexual addiction and should be treated as any other addiction might be handled.
 
Thanks to you all for your advice & prayers.

We’re not getting rid of the computer yet but it is going to be OFF when Matt is home – I’ll use it when he is in school or asleep.

I’m at work now so I better sign off.
 
UPDATE:

First of all, thanks again for all your prayers. I’ve been praying a lot, esp. the Rosary.

Things are looking up. As I said, we are keeping the computer off when Matt is home. He has gotten over being angry. Fri. night we let him stay out late to go to a friends’ birthday party & to a paintball palce & he came back on time as promised.

Saturady I took him to the mall for some new clothes (ugh! I hate clothes shopping eve for myself).
But the reall good news is that later, partly at the urging of one of his buddies, Matt was going to take the bus to Troy to see his girlfriend (who is not a good influence) and changed his mind just as the bus came up – with his friend calling him a “wuss” and worse for chickening out. My wife and I both told him how proud we are of him for making the right choice. He really is a good kid.

Thanks again to you all, and thaks to God for being so good.

didymus
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top