Medaling Mother-In-Law

[puppylove]

I met my husband 8 years ago. We both were born and raised Catholic, both were previously married in the Catholic Church, and both had children from our previous marriages. We went through the anullment processes together and recently had our marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church. The problem is with my husband’s 18 year old son. He moved in with us at the age of 12 and has become the biggest marriage problem we could ever encounter. Drugs and alcohol have hindered our marriage in ways that you could never imagine. This 18 year old step-son has done more things than I could possibly have time to describe in this forum. The other problem is with my mother-in-law. She is always right there willing to pick up all the pieces when this grandson does anything wrong whether it be morally or against the law. I have thrown this boy out of my house 4 times in the past 6 years starting when he was the age of 14. He has done things such as inappropriately touch my then 9 years daughter, attack me physically and mentally, curse me out, bring drugs and sell them out of my home. My marriage has very nearly not survived because of this child and his grandmother. They always some how and some way blame me for all the things that go wrong in his life instead of taking responsibility for his actions. If it wasn’t for my faith in God, I’m not sure where I would be. Does anyone out there have any advice for me?

 

[ChrisR246]

Your husband should be standing up to his mother and his son on your behalf.

 

[Dandelion_Wine]

First off, that boy should no longer be allowed in the house after touching your daughter!!

Next, your husband needs to get some kahunahs and lay down the law with his son and his mother. He shouldn’t be letting you get all the blame and frustration.

 

[agname]

puppylove:

I met my husband 8 years ago. We both were born and raised Catholic, both were previously married in the Catholic Church, and both had children from our previous marriages. We went through the anullment processes together and recently had our marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church. The problem is with my husband’s 18 year old son. He moved in with us at the age of 12 and has become the biggest marriage problem we could ever encounter. Drugs and alcohol have hindered our marriage in ways that you could never imagine. This 18 year old step-son has done more things than I could possibly have time to describe in this forum. The other problem is with my mother-in-law. She is always right there willing to pick up all the pieces when this grandson does anything wrong whether it be morally or against the law. I have thrown this boy out of my house 4 times in the past 6 years starting when he was the age of 14. He has done things such as inappropriately touch my then 9 years daughter, attack me physically and mentally, curse me out, bring drugs and sell them out of my home. My marriage has very nearly not survived because of this child and his grandmother. They always some how and some way blame me for all the things that go wrong in his life instead of taking responsibility for his actions. If it wasn’t for my faith in God, I’m not sure where I would be. Does anyone out there have any advice for me?

He should have been sent to military school. He’s an adult now…I would press charges if he did it again…and he wouldn’t be living in my house. There is such a thing called “tough love.”

 

[Sir_Knight]

Criminal charges should be filed against the son.

 

[puppylove]

Thanks to ChrisR246, Dandelion_Wine, agname and Sir Knight for your support. I’ve wanted to apply the “tough love” he needed since he came to live with us 6 years ago, but I’ve been overruled by my husband and particularly by my mother-in-law. I keep getting told that he isn’t my son and it isn’t my place to discipline. As for the immoral and unlawful mistakes he has made, I’ve tried to understand and forgive him. I’ve given him ample chances to prove himself. Time and time again he’s proved that he can’t straighten out and be trustworthy. I’ll admit that I’m no where near perfect, and I’ve made some terrible mistakes myself. I overheard my mother-in-law say some things about me and my daughter that hurt me and I got into a terrible argument with her. I have a temper and said some brutal things to her, but I did apologize for the brutal words I used in this arguement and she was okay with that and also apologized to me, but before the conversation was over she was defending this grandson for things he had done and blaming everyone else for his problems. I walked away from her, but before I could get away, she told me to forget it! Forget every apology she made to me. My husband doesn’t want to get into the middle and I’ve told him that I am his wife and he should stand up for me. I know that prayer will help tremendously. Once again, thanks for all your support. It makes me feel a lot better. There were days when I thought I was going to lose it!

 

[rfk]

Sorry to hear you haven’t married a man.

He owes his loyalty to you. First and foremost.

Genesis 2:24 can sound trite, in that it is often trotted out at marriages and people sit through its familiarity and let the words go right past them without reflection. However, if you really meditate on what it is saying, it is quite profound:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.

He is joined to you in the “one flesh union”. Not to his mother. Not to his son. He needs to be able to emotionally leave his mommy to be capable of forming a true marriage and family.

I’ve said a prayer for you and your marriage.

 

[La_Chiara]

I will provide some advice–having been in a similar situation with my in-laws (which of course you can take or leave!). First, recognize that you can not change your MIL or your step-son or your husband for that matter. All you can do is change yourself–how you act and how you react to them. Recognize however that when you change how you act and react that you change the dynamics, you break the pattern of behavior that frustrates you, and you force the other people to change their behavior if they can’t “get” to you or “get a rise” out of you. I suspect you are feeling “out of control” in your dealings with your husband and in-laws–which in fact you are because you are only in control of yourself.

Having said all that, I have found that it has helped me to focus on myself and change how I am deal with troublesome in-laws. It gives me a sense of control. For example, when my SIL was repeatedly rude to me when she was a guest in our house, I told my husband that I was not going to entertain her at our home any more. Since she never hostessed any family events at her house, I only had to deal with her at my in-laws a few times a year. Over time, I found that this change made me feel stronger, I learned to deal with her civilly, and removed a source a friction between my husband and me.

Your situation is different of course. But you might consider how you can establish a change in what you will accept and not accept that will make you feel less frustrated and change the dynamics of the situation. I would suggest you don’t announce your change to anyone but your husband, so that it doesn’t become an issue for discussion and criticism of you. Good luck… Pray and pray some more. God will give you the strength.

 

[puppylove]

Thank you rfk (Bob Kelley) and La Chiara for your prayers and words of encouragement. Having this forum has been very beneficial to my well being. Thanks to Karl Keating for sharing your forum with me.

Thanks and God Bless…