Meeting another "Mr. Wrong"

[Ma.Eugenia]

Hi!

I would like to ask anyone what I should do if a classmate who I thought to be quite religious (he’s Protestant) suddenly starts to act weird.

I study in a Nursing school that allows for second courses—meaning, most of my classmates, have been working have finished with our previous courses and have been working for many years already. So, you can say, we are all adults and not anymore teenagers, though I am very conservative when it comes to marriage and sexuality.

Thing is, I am very friendly and tend to find friends anywhere I am placed. I met this classmate who stood out as someone who talked sense all the time. Me–I love conversing—I love to to jog my mind with friends—men and women alike and it is usually friendly, asexual kind of conversation.

With this guy, he said he studied Divinities before Nursing. We got along well, as friends who accidentally meet in the corridors on our way to our class. We liked talking about being good people.

I thought it was okey when he decided to ask me out for coffee. …then asked me for movie (I didn’t go because I have my Finals this week). I agreed at first because I thought that he was single and was a good man, even though we were of different religion.

Then, yesterday, he told me that he was separated for years already. He believes that God does not expect him not to be with anyone for the rest of his life. I do not want to go out with a married man–so my previous assent to go out for coffee and movie I want to take back.

Suddenly, he started staring at me in a weird way (I thought, what’s got into you?!) He started talking about wanting to invite me to his house (I am NOT that close to him!) and making comments about my body. He returned the ballpen he borrowed by placing it in my breast pocket! He tells me that to him “I am pleasantly plump” —while fixedly staring at my chest! Then he positioned his chair while we were studying in such a way that it was pressing my thigh. I made an excuse that I had to go out and talk to my teacher, then left school premises instead.

Thing is, this guy has been my friend. I have a difficulty giving him the put down–because of that friendship. Its a drastic change from light friendship to intrusiveness. I just want get away from him.

Any thoughts on how to deal with Mr. Jekyll and Hyde?

 

[Jeanette_L]

Bottom line is this: you may think that you had a friendship, but this guy has been sizing you up as a potential score, he just wasn’t showing you his cards up front. And he has positively shown his lack of respect for you in every way by his recent sexualized behavior. I think I would run, not walk, away from him and his pseudo friendship. He’s not who you thought he was, don’t waste anymore time on him.:nope:

 

[Milliardo]

When someone make such aggressive advances like that, it should already be a warning sign of things to come. Don’t let it go into that stage; tell him firmly to back off. You did right by walking out on him, but you should also tell him clearly that his advances aren’t appreciated. Let him know that what he did was insulting and does not get his chances very high.

 

[Woodstock]

Advice on what to do if you can’t find it in yourself to firmly tell him that you are not looking for a relationship right now. Don’t ever have time to stop and talk. Always be in a hurry whenever you see him, even if it is only to the ladies’ room. Don’t be friendly and smiling when you say it either. Then he’ll think you are just busy and will get back to him when you have time. Be short, brusque, and feeling like you are being intruded upon when you say that you really don’t have time to talk to him. It would be better if you were direct, but if you find the words not coming out, this is better than giving in.

 

[Guardian]

Ma. Eugenia:

Would you be my girlfriend?

If your answer is “yes,” then tell that dude that you just got into a relationship and your boyfriend would not appreciate his advancements. You can now use me as an excuse to blow him off every time. If that doesn’t work, let me know. I’ll call him up myself and tell him to leave my woman alone!

 

[Rawb]

Ma. Eugenia:

Would you be my girlfriend?

If your answer is “yes,” then tell that dude that you just got into a relationship and your boyfriend would not appreciate his advancements. You can now use me as an excuse to blow him off every time. If that doesn’t work, let me know. I’ll call him up myself and tell him to leave my woman alone!
Today 8:14 pm

LoL. I’ve played that role before. Out in public or at a party a friend (girl) would come up and say “Put your arm around me!” and you do, just pretend to be their boyfriend and the guy would generally leave them alone.

Ma. Eugenia, you could also tell the guy that you’re sorry you misunderstood his intentions, but you only date Catholic men. Or you could tell him the Catholic position, that he’s still married in your mind and so you feel uncomfortable doing anything that may be misconstrued as a date with him. Either way, he doesn’t sound as if he’s that serious of a protestant (I was a protestant, so this isn’t a cultural thing). Most of what he’s doing is rude by any standard, and he definitally doesn’t have the right to be looking at you like that. Just tell him that.

Or tell him your boyfriend wouldn’t approve. Rave about this devout Catholic guy you just met. And your boyfriend’s name is Guardian. That’s gotta throw him off.

 

[Robaynne]

Just be honest with him don’t make up stories of a boyfriend because that is a lie.

Just make is clear to him that you just want to be friends and that you do not want to spoil the friendship by getting involved. And also make it clear to him that you do not date married men it is against your moral and spiritual beliefs. And if that you do not appreciate him coming onto you because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If you guys were friends that he should understand and respect your feelings. If not then just end the friendship because there is no point been friends with somebody who makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Ma.Eugenia]

Hi everyone!

Thanks for your advise.

I didn’t know I would ever say this …but I am so glad school’s over (at least until 2 weeks). Last night was my last exam. He texted me last night—and I didn’t answer it.

I did not like it that the incident affected me at a time I should have my full concencentration in school. I think I’ll pass this subject, though.

The guy was giving me the “hives” because after the test he stood up and started taking pictures in my direction. He finished ahead of me because I came in a little late. Though, I was wondering why he was in my classroom as he was under another professor.

I remember him taking a few pictures before he turned weird --he kept on asking me to smile. I had wondered at why he had a camera with him. It’s not everyday you see anyone with a camera in school…usually they have cellphone with built-in camera. I hope he’s not going to do anything to those pictures…(like put a mustache on my face … )

I kept ignoring him when he stayed in the classroom despite having finished ahead of me. It was a good thing, two classmates decided to talk to me and stayed with me until we almost reached the gate (they did not know how happy I was they were there–coz I never told anyone in school). After that…I walked very, very fast towards the gate.

Anyway, you’re right. The guy must have been pretending all along to be a friend. To think I really thought I found someone in school who I could talk about religion. I really thought he was not the type because he was admired by many because he spoke well.

Sorry, didn’t mean anyone to think Protestants are like that. I have other Protestant friends who are people I would like to emulate in some aspects because of their goodness.

What to do if I see him again…I think I might ignore him as much as I can…hope he will get the message. I really don’t want to make a scene. If not… I guess, I have to prepare myself to be confrontational. I really felt disrespected.

Right now, I think the friendship we had is lost.

 

[LittleRose]

Suddenly, he started staring at me in a weird way (I thought, what’s got into you?!) He started talking about wanting to invite me to his house (I am NOT that close to him!) and making comments about my body. He returned the ballpen he borrowed by placing it in my breast pocket! He tells me that to him “I am pleasantly plump” —while fixedly staring at my chest! Then he positioned his chair while we were studying in such a way that it was pressing my thigh. I made an excuse that I had to go out and talk to my teacher, then left school premises instead.

Thing is, this guy has been my friend. I have a difficulty giving him the put down–because of that friendship. Its a drastic change from light friendship to intrusiveness. I just want get away from him.

Any thoughts on how to deal with Mr. Jekyll and Hyde?

This is sexual harassment. If you see him again, tell him in no uncertain terms to keep his hands off and away from you and that you will not tolerate such comments. And, even if you don’t see him, report EVERYTHING about his behavior to the authorities at your nursing school. This cannot be tolerated in anyone who is going to be a health care professional. Think how he might behave toward female patients!

As for his being in a class he didn’t belong in–keep your eyes open in case he starts stalking you. That picture taking is pretty suspicious behavior.

If he is behaving this way to you, he was never your friend. Any gentleness on your part will be interpreted as encouragement. Don’t spare his feelings. He clearly has little regard for yours.

 

[DailyBread]

I didn’t read other post, just the Op’s one so sorry if this is redundant, but not only break off going out, but even interacting because this person wants control and the more he starts to control you, the more he will not want to let go of you. It will start out all sweet and simple, but he will push your buttons (like he has already started to) and see how much he can bother you. These are early warning signs of a potential abuser and the best way to prevent this is not let him get any control in the first place. I am sorry, but he stopped deserving your friendship the moment he lost respect for you and your beliefs. He may come back and apologize and accept it, but something tells me he has a long road of growth before he will deserve your friendship and he needs to learn thats not how you treat someone. In the end it would be doing both yourself and him a favor.

 

[Rawb]

As a guy with three sisters, all of whom I am overly-protective of, I’d tell you what I’d tell them:

I remember him taking a few pictures before he turned weird --he kept on asking me to smile. I had wondered at why he had a camera with him. It’s not everyday you see anyone with a camera in school…usually they have cellphone with built-in camera.

At first I thought that you meant he was taking pictures with his camera-phone. That would be slightly less odd, lots of people do that (especially if they just met someone/just put somoene in their phone). With a regular camera that he happens to carry around on campus? Not normal behavior, unless he’s a photography major, in the photography club, or a journalist for the paper.

It was a good thing, two classmates decided to talk to me and stayed with me until we almost reached the gate (they did not know how happy I was they were there–coz I never told anyone in school). After that…I walked very, very fast towards the gate.

Change that right away; not having told anyone. Tell a couple of friends and the police or campus security. This guy is not acting in a normal “I’d like to date this girl” kind of way. My advice last time was for a sort-of-annoying, want-to-avoid-mildly-awkward-situation type guy. It’s more serious now.

I have to prepare myself to be confrontational. I really felt disrespected.

That’s because you were. And definitally prepare yourself to be confrontational.

I hate to make you paranoid, and maybe I just am paranoid but if you were my sister (hey, you are in Christ right?) I’d be definitally telling you the same things. Maybe this guy is on the up-and-up, but…taking pictures of someone like that just really screams “red-flag” to me. Sorry if I scared you!

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Any thoughts on how to deal with Mr. Jekyll and Hyde?

My thought is that either he is a sociopath, in which case he’ll purposefully get you to think he is harmless and then start doing weird stuff to keep you off balance and manipulate you–run! run! and do not take your safety for granted!–or else he is quite simply socially inept.

Tell other people about your experience and your concerns. Sociopaths use techniques that depend on their victims and friends to not make a “paranoid” interpretation. They depend on nice people acting dependably nice and avoiding conflict. Particularly tell the authorities at your college that you are concerned and ask them how it is best handled on their campus, but also tell friends.

As for this guy, tell him you are sorry, but you have done careful consideration and that you cannot and will never get interested in a guy who “believes that God does not expect him not to be with anyone for the rest of his life”, since you believe God has exactly that expectation and vocation in store for you–that is, he* is* with somebody, namely HIS WIFE, and being separated doesn’t change that for a Catholic, no matter how many years have gone by. You would always wonder if you weren’t what kept a valid marriage from having a reconciliation. Tell him that as interesting as he is, you cannot take the chance of starting a relationship with him, sorry, since these little dates have a way of turning into something serious for one side or the other. Tell him this in the context of it being part of your faith journey that you can’t compromise on. That is, YOU CANNOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY WHOSE INTEREST IN YOU STARTED WHEN HE WAS STILL MARRIED.

Do your best to stay off of this guy’s radar. Act as if you are clueless about possible bad intentions. Act as if you think he’s certainly off to other pastures. Blame any “paranoid” behavior you have to show on promises you made to your family and friends about taking safety measures seriously now that you are going into hospital work. If he is harmless, you will have hurt him less. If he is not, he may think he is better off letting sleeping dogs lie.

 

[Ma.Eugenia]

Hi everyone!

Thanks for the warning.

I think I am already getting paranoid. In two weeks school will resume again. I want to enjoy the rest of my schooling without fear.

I would want to report the incident to higher authorities, but I worry that I might look stupid as I have no hard evidence whatsoever. He can always deny and it will be my word against his.

I did follow your advise about telling a close friend about the incidents.

This morning the guy texted again, and am continuing to ignore but am hoping he will get the message already.

I agree that marriage is permanent and that despite being separated for years, he is still married to his wife. I truly hope he will change for the better and that he finds a way to reconcile with his wife.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Hi everyone!

Thanks for the warning.

I think I am already getting paranoid. In two weeks school will resume again. I want to enjoy the rest of my schooling without fear.

I would want to report the incident to higher authorities, but I worry that I might look stupid as I have no hard evidence whatsoever. He can always deny and it will be my word against his.

I did follow your advise about telling a close friend about the incidents.

This morning the guy texted again, and am continuing to ignore but am hoping he will get the message already.

I agree that marriage is permanent and that despite being separated for years, he is still married to his wife. I truly hope he will change for the better and that he finds a way to reconcile with his wife.

You are not building a court case. You are protecting yourself from someone who makes you uncomfortable. Do not feel guilty about that and do not let anybody talk you out of it. Even if you are wrong about this guy, it is better to trust your instincts. All you need to do is to go to your campus security and tell them that there is a guy who is making you very uncomfortable and that you’re using this as a very good reason to start on every habit that will keep you from being a target of sexual harrassment or attack. I do not know of a school not interested in those topics.

If you had a lump on your breast, you would go to the doctor. Would you be a paranoid if it turned out to be benign? No, you would still be smart.

This guy may not be a sociopath. It is enough that he doesn’t have the social boundaries in place to keep himself from acting like one. Anybody who does not respect your boundaries and who does not immediately cease and desist when they’re making you uncomfortable needs to be shown the door, right now.

You don’t have to be the guy’s enemy. Just make it clear that you are not going to be the girlfriend of a married man, and that he needs to stop contacting you or trying to establish a friendship. “I know you don’t see it that way, but you need to respect that I do. This is not about you being a terrible person. It is about you being married. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the end of the question.”

 

[BlestOne]

Ma…
I have flat out told men that since they are seperated, I consider them still married and I won’t date a married man. One tried to tell me that his divorce would be final in 3 weeks…so I told him when his annulment had been granted to call me (of course I didn’t give him my number to call me). Seriously, be direct and tell him why you don’t want to see him and that you don’t welcome his advances…then if he disrespects that send Guardian or Rawb to adjust his attitude…

 

[Ma.Eugenia]

You are not building a court case. You are protecting yourself from someone who makes you uncomfortable. Do not feel guilty about that and do not let anybody talk you out of it. Even if you are wrong about this guy, it is better to trust your instincts.

The reason I hesitate is that I have already expericed making accusations before (even though I am sure it was true coz I was there and saw it with my own eyes) and because I didn’t have have hard evidence to back me up, I was the one punished. The incident I am talking about is at work when I accused a favored co-worker dentist of not sterilizing properly (she prefered not to wait for the sterilizer to finish when the patients were already piling up.) It became my word against hers.

Ultimately, I learned that in order to be believable, I need to have proof. It was a very painful experience for me and something I don’t want to repeat…that’s why I am now very cautious about what I say and do.

This guy may not be a sociopath. It is enough that he doesn’t have the social boundaries in place to keep himself from acting like one. Anybody who does not respect your boundaries and who does not immediately cease and desist when they’re making you uncomfortable needs to be shown the door, right now.
"

I agree with you here. A few months ago when I first met him, I wouldn’t have guessed he was like this. He presented himself as a good man who is not embarrased to talk about religious thoughts. He is also quite noticeable in school because he speaks very well. In his case, I have been a poor judge of character.

Even if he were not married, I would have still felt offended by his actions. I felt that he was looking and talking like I was a turkey about to be served for Thanksgiving. It is a very uncomfortable feeling.

“I know you don’t see it that way, but you need to respect that I do. This is not about you being a terrible person. It is about you being married. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the end of the question.”

Thanks for this tip! I think I will use your words as is-- next time the guy bothers me again.

Also, to BlestOne:

"so I told him when his annulment had been granted to call me (of course I didn’t give him my number to call me). "

Wished I didn’t give my number to the guy. I should have seen the warning signs earlier on.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

The reason I hesitate is that I have already expericed making accusations before (even though I am sure it was true coz I was there and saw it with my own eyes) and because I didn’t have have hard evidence to back me up, I was the one punished. The incident I am talking about is at work when I accused a favored co-worker dentist of not sterilizing properly (she prefered not to wait for the sterilizer to finish when the patients were already piling up.) It became my word against hers.

Ultimately, I learned that in order to be believable, I need to have proof. It was a very painful experience for me and something I don’t want to repeat…that’s why I am now very cautious about what I say and do.

You make a good point. Don’t make this about accusing him. Make it about how a woman with safety concerns should know about how campus security works, what her rights and responsibilities are, and what kind of evidence they would need in order to be able to intervene on your behalf, if it comes to that.

For instance, they may want you to keep a written log of incidents that have you concerned, with dates and times.

 

[Ma.Eugenia]

Make it about how a woman with safety concerns should know about how campus security works, what her rights and responsibilities are, and what kind of evidence they would need in order to be able to intervene on your behalf, if it comes to that.

For instance, they may want you to keep a written log of incidents that have you concerned, with dates and times.

This is a good suggestion as I know it will be for my protection and safety. I will definitely follow your advise, BLB_Oregon.

Thanks very much!

 

[Robaynne]

Please remember something that this is two different issues. No man has a right to harrass you no matter what. If you are not comfortable with the advances that he is making you have every right to speak about it or to report him. That issue at work is a separate issue and that should not prevent you from reporting this guy. If you are not comfortable speak out.

And do not allow him to control your life or to make you feel any emotions that you should not be feeling. Send him a short message and say to him pls stop texting me. And if push comes to shove then go and get a protection order against him. Women have rights today and no man is allowed to harrass, beat up or abuse a women. Stop it now before it gets out of hand.

He is harrassing you, he is making you feel uncomfortable you do not appreciate his advances. And if necessary get your parents to call him and tell him to stop texting you and to keep his distance as you are not interested.

Please do not allow this man to control your life. He does not have that right in fact no man has that right.

I am sorry to go on like this. I allowed a man to physically and emotionally abuse me for 10 years. And it takes a long time to recover.

 

[Ma.Eugenia]

Hi Robaynne,

Sorry to hear about what happened to you. Am glad that you were able to pull your life back together after that.

Thanks for your advise and for having the concern to help me and the courage to share your experience with me. I will learn from this.