Menopausal MIL making me pull my hair out!

[etmom]

Heavens no!! We don’t live together!!
Just because she drives me up the wall doesn’t mean she’s not wonderful! We have seen alot of her recently due to lots of early summer birthdays and mothers day.

I assume since she told me she’s recently started menopause and there’s a sudden change in behavior compared to recent years that menopause is the cause of this change.

And she’s overweight because she doesn’t exercise and eats unhealthly. I only mentioned this to show that her rudeness is not constructive or useful, as she is unhealthy and we are extremely health conscious.

I am a bit crazy when I ovulate!

As I said before, she is having extreme fluxuation in hormones and so it would explain her behavior… especially since she has never been like this before.

Hormone levels are stable after menopause. It is prior to menopause where you get the fluctuations, not after it has occurred. Women are more than just their fertility or their hormones, although it can have an effect, certainly. It seems to me she is also having a big adjustment to her new role as mil, your ticker indicates you’ve only been married a few months? Perhaps she expected to have more influence in her sons life or is having difficulty with this new big change in the role in her life. Might just need to gently set boundaries and limits.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

As I said before, she is having extreme fluxuation in hormones and so it would explain her behavior… especially since she has never been like this before.

The kindest thing you can do is recommend she see her physician. There are any number of menstrual/preimenopausal conditions that could be afflicting her that can be mitigated.

When her behavior is detrimental to your relationship, limit your contact with her.

And keep boundaries in mind. Her behavior that is directed towards you is your business because it involves you. Her weight and her eating habits are really none of your concern.

Luna

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

We have some wonderful but occasionally hormonal teens, and yes, I occasionally feel the desire to lock them (or myself) in a closet. I don’t actually do it, but the thought crosses my mind.

This is just something we’re working through: part their hormones and mine, part the growing pains of their moving on to being adults, which even makes my husband a bit nutty. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, and so far, they say they’re willing to take me, too. Probably the OP is in a family going through much the same thing.

Boundaries are not out of place in a situation like this. Mutual willingness to overlook some unpleasant scenes is not out of place. They’re both essential!

Could be all of this, but I read a bit of passive aggression into the statement that very well could be my my misreading of the situation.

 

[FullOfThought]

Hormone levels are stable after menopause. It is prior to menopause where you get the fluctuations, not after it has occurred. Women are more than just their fertility or their hormones, although it can have an effect, certainly. It seems to me she is also having a big adjustment to her new role as mil, your ticker indicates you’ve only been married a few months? Perhaps she expected to have more influence in her sons life or is having difficulty with this new big change in the role in her life. Might just need to gently set boundaries and limits.

I wonder if she is more perimenopausal than menopausal. I did also wonder about the new MIL but she has many other married children, and she is a grandmother… so I doubt that is the case. Especially since the behaviour is directed towards all family members and friends, not just me (thankfully!)

And keep boundaries in mind. Her behavior that is directed towards you is your business because it involves you. Her weight and her eating habits are really none of your concern.

Luna

As I have said twice now… the only reason I mentioned weight is to give examples of how she was being rude… just like our pictures being hung too high!

We do have strict boundries… but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t make comments while we are with her.

 

[SMHW]

I know there are lots of inlaw threads here, but I couldn’t find one to help with this situation.

My MIL is going through menopause and is a nightmare! She suddenly snaps, yells at everyone, insults and tells us everything we do is wrong… from how high we hang our pictures… to food we eat! (We’re actually extremely healthy and she’s overweight which is kind of ironic!)

My hubby and I have a great relationship, crazy in love (newlyweds ), pray together EVERY day and we feel that her menopause is causing strain on our relationship!

She is a wonderful person, and raised two great children but I want to lock her in a closet and run away!! My mother is still a long time away from menopause and so I’ve had no experience with it before!! Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!!

It has been my experience that when people are under some kind of stress (and Peri-menopause is a stress) that they tend to behave in a more extreme form of what is normal for them. So my guess is that you are seeing a side of your MIL that was always there; she had just kept it under control in your presence until now.

No, there is no excuse for her rudeness or other behaviors. But unless you have an extremely close relationship with your MIL, I doubt that there is much to be gained by verbally telling her she has an obligation to be more polite. So whether it is “fair” or not, you may have to change your behavior if you want to get along with this woman.

Changing your behavior might mean limiting contact. It might mean ignoring some of the comments MIL makes. It might mean asking for clarification as if you need it when you really are asking her to clarify something for herself. (Do not attempt this technique if your are a novice; it can backfire!) It often means letting your husband deal with his mother (even though he may try to put it off on you!) It will *occasionally *mean confronting MIL. (Understand that this will likely have unpleasant consequences. You confront when ignoring her behavior is even worse or if it is a matter of immoral/dangerous behavior.)

 

[jilly4ski]

Sometimes. Like when I am snapping my husband’s head off for some ridiculous reason. Sometimes I catch myself and sometimes it is only in retrospect that I think “what was THAT about???” My husband is awesome and he just ignores it.

I do this too, but I am in the middle of pregnancy craziness. And yes, dh is wonderful and either ignores it or gives me the quizzical look, which makes me stop and think. He “loves” the “I don’t know why I’m upset” excuse.

Op, however, I think it is one thing to know that MIL is a little more sensitive because of her changing hormones and you trying to be extra nice and sensitive, and her just attacking you just because she can. When she starts railing about the height of your pictures I would personally just raise my eyebrow and give the quizzical look as if this is even worth your time. Depending on her personality or how drastic the mood swing is, it might make her stop and realize what she is doing. (Or it might cause her to lash out more, because she has been “caught out”). Now my mother likes to stick her nose in things like this, especially household domestics, so menopause or not, she is going to be griping about something. I just feel lucky when it is not me.

 

[St_Francis]

One thing I have noticed is that I *still *get PMS-like from time to time, which I think is horribly unfair since I haven’t been able to have a child for years! So, I occasionally over react, but in addition, stress makes the whole thing worse.

It’s like I can handle X amount of stress, but add on one more thing and I lose it.

What might be a good idea is for your son, or even better, one of your sisters-in-law, to talk to her about seeing a doctor. They are learning a lot about helping women, and some of the ways to help need to happen in the earlier stages of the whole peri- meno- and post- pausal period. Additionally, seeing a counselor might help her to learn to handle stress bette, if she is experiencing stress.

One thing that helped my daughter and me was to notice the time of the month. She would get all crazy, I’d ask, and then she would realize that her problem was hormonal rather than actual. If you are close enough with your MIL or you could do it in concert with your siblings-in-law, y’all could come up with a way of asking her something which might cause her to realize that she is acting unusually.

 

[Fireflylight]

Regardless of menopause you should put your foot down about what can and can’t be talked about.

“Dearest MIL, I’m sorry my degah makes you unhappy, but it’s our home.” or “This is the way we choose to eat at this time, you’re welcome to (eat your own food/try ours)”

 

[EasterJoy]

Could be all of this, but I read a bit of passive aggression into the statement that very well could be my my misreading of the situation.

One is not prophylactic against the other. Both could be going on, very easily.

 

[FullOfThought]

One thing I have noticed is that I *still *get PMS-like from time to time, which I think is horribly unfair since I haven’t been able to have a child for years! So, I occasionally over react, but in addition, stress makes the whole thing worse.

It’s like I can handle X amount of stress, but add on one more thing and I lose it.

What might be a good idea is for your son, or even better, one of your sisters-in-law, to talk to her about seeing a doctor. They are learning a lot about helping women, and some of the ways to help need to happen in the earlier stages of the whole peri- meno- and post- pausal period. Additionally, seeing a counselor might help her to learn to handle stress bette, if she is experiencing stress.

One thing that helped my daughter and me was to notice the time of the month. She would get all crazy, I’d ask, and then she would realize that her problem was hormonal rather than actual. If you are close enough with your MIL or you could do it in concert with your siblings-in-law, y’all could come up with a way of asking her something which might cause her to realize that she is acting unusually.

I think the idea of seeing a physican is a bit early still but I will keep it in mind thank you!

 

[nordskoven]

I’d get Dr. Larrian Gillespie’s book. She’s called the “hormone diva” and is Cher’s doctor. She’s brilliant. You can also subscribe to her website and she’ll counsel which hormone testing will be needed. Other than that, God help you all. It’s like teenage-hood in reverse. Blessings!

 

[PatriceA]

I wonder if she is more perimenopausal than menopausal. I did also wonder about the new MIL but she has many other married children, and she is a grandmother… so I doubt that is the case. Especially since the behaviour is directed towards all family members and friends, not just me (thankfully!)

As I have said twice now… the only reason I mentioned weight is to give examples of how she was being rude… just like our pictures being hung too high!

We do have strict boundries… but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t make comments while we are with her.

She could be like my MIL and treat her adult married children quite differently. My SIL was married before my husband and I got married, so I thought my MIL would be as little or as much involved in our lives as she was her daughter’s and son-in-law. Nope, it was like some flipped a switch and she went into hyper involvement “suggestion” mode with us. No area was off limits. And she was going through menopause at the time, so everything was ramped up to the nth degree. I don’t know if she felt safer with us with letting her emotions out more than with her daughter, but we got the blunt of it.

My suggestion is to keep working on those boundaries, be a united front as a couple. Do so with some understanding because someday you may be in the same position as your MIL and then you will perhaps get why she seemed to change overnight or seems so different. Menopause plays out differently in each woman, my mom didn’t seem to have much of a personality change, she seemed to navigate it with little trouble. My MIL’s experience was much, much different.

 

[NeedsMercy]

I think the idea of seeing a physican is a bit early still but I will keep it in mind thank you!

You know, I was wondering why someone hadn’t mentioned a doctor’s visit earlier. I’m in the “full bloom” of my menopause right now, and I can tell you, it is tough! I know when I am having hot flashes, heavy sweating and headaches, I can get pretty cranky. I have been known to give my husband a really hard time when I’m feeling that way, but I know why I am doing what I’m doing, and I (usually!) apologize.

In addition to those horrible symptoms, many women suffer from anxiety and depression. Because I’m bipolar, I take alot of mood altering drugs but I know for sure that I would be a whole heck of alot worse without them. That being said, as others have stated, there is absolutely no excuse for rudeness. If her behavior continues, you may have to be straight with her, point her to the gyno and/or a psychiatrist, and let her believe that you are doing this to make HER feel better. (Love those ulterior motives! ) Seriously, we’ll be praying that there’s a peaceful resolution here somewhere.

Here’s a prayer to St. Rita, who had a few family problems herself!

Holy Patroness of those in need, Saint Rita, you were humble, pure and patient. Your pleadings with your divine Spouse are irresistible, so please obtain for me from our risen Jesus the request I make of you. Be kind to me for the greater glory of God, and I shall honor you and sing your praises forever. Glorious Saint Rita, you miraculously participated in the sorrowful passion of our Lord Jesus Christ. Obtain for me now the grace to suffer with resignation the troubles of this life, and protect me in all my needs.

Amen.

 

[St_Francis]

I think the idea of seeing a physican is a bit early still but I will keep it in mind thank you!

The main reason I mentioned that is that recent studies show that some of the treatments only work if they are started early enough.

Link

 

[cmscms]

Ok, I am going to make an assumption from your post that your husband was the last of his siblings to be married. And being the youngest child in my family I have notice this (and in other families as well).

Here is how it goes: My first child got married, I do not like loosing this child to their spouse. I guess I will have to hold on to my son tighter now that there is a void to fill. The idea of filling the void in a healthy manner is below me. My only single son is now married. Who will I hold onto??? OK, I will not make the same mistake I made with the older children and let him have a life. I will correct all my errors through him and hold onto him thighter since I am making up for the other children I lost.

Does that theory make sense?

Also, I would NOT mention menopause to her. No matter how unreasonable I may be, if someone tried to ‘be supportive of my PMS’ I would be offended. It is best to let her do what hse wants about her medical issues. Just set your boundaries and stick to them

CM

 

[etmom]

Ok, I am going to make an assumption from your post that your husband was the last of his siblings to be married. And being the youngest child in my family I have notice this (and in other families as well).

Here is how it goes: My first child got married, I do not like loosing this child to their spouse. I guess I will have to hold on to my son tighter now that there is a void to fill. The idea of filling the void in a healthy manner is below me. My only single son is now married. Who will I hold onto??? OK, I will not make the same mistake I made with the older children and let him have a life. I will correct all my errors through him and hold onto him thighter since I am making up for the other children I lost.

Does that theory make sense?

Also, I would NOT mention menopause to her. No matter how unreasonable I may be, if someone tried to ‘be supportive of my PMS’ I would be offended. It is best to let her do what hse wants about her medical issues. Just set your boundaries and stick to them

CM

this is exactly what I was thinking. I think
this may be the bigger factor here. Personally, I’m surprised by all the stereotypes about menopause and how much is being attributed to it here. And how easily terms like “menopausal mil or mother” are thrown around like it is the persons defining characteristic . Yes, hormonal changes such as pms, ovulation, pregnancy, miscarriage and perimenopause can affect how a woman is feeling. And if you snap at someone or are irritable, it is likely to be due to the fact you are not feeling well or like " yourself", whether due to perimenopause or hormone fluctuations from a miscarriage. Discussions that revolve primarily around someone’s fertility status seem, well, demeaning and objectifying. I would not want it done about me, regardless of where I was in my stage of fertility.

If someone had problematic behavior, focus on the behavior, not the hormones “you” feel are behind it except if you charitably want to cut them some slack if you think it’s a contributing factor. Perimenopause does not cause most women to become completely irrational, unthinking, rude and incapable of being responsible for their behavior.

 

[NeedsMercy]

A prayer for all us menopausal women everywhere:

Holy Patroness of those in need, Saint Rita, you were humble, pure and patient. Your pleadings with your divine Spouse are irresistible, so please obtain for me from our risen Jesus the request I make of you. Be kind to me for the greater glory of God, and I shall honor you and sing your praises forever. Glorious Saint Rita, you miraculously participated in the sorrowful passion of our Lord Jesus Christ. Obtain for me now the grace to suffer with resignation the troubles of this life, and protect me in all my needs.

Amen