C
cheesypoptart
Guest
Ok so I am an 18 year old female and I don’t know I have an intelligence quotient of like 137 and also many mental illness problems. So since I was little I was always kind of a loner and I am auto-destructive so I push the people who I love the most away and also try to torture them…smh. But anyway since I was little I knew I wasn’t like my older sister simply because I did things a bit differently so I rejected my best friend and decided to hang with the emo shy kids who spent their days drying anime/manga. But then they would turn on themselves and they had attitude problems and they were not well liked at school. I also experienced my first psychotic episode when I was 8 I would sniff, inspect my food because I was (wrongly) convinced that people were putting fingers in my food. Then the next year I believed I was pregnant how? I don’t know I was only 10. Then I was now in middle school and I found this nerdy girl who was AMAZING she just unconditionally accepted me and then she introduced me to my foreign exchange friends all very smart who also gladly accepted me well then I turned on them I got mad for no reason and said screw this you guys **** me off I’m going to become home schooled. So my mom was like OK and she allowed me to be homeschooled. Then I lied and said that the school was filled with gangs and that people were trying to…kill me. So then my parents take me to the police and that’s what I said so they believed me (and yes I am a creative liar) so they go looking for them. But then well I got in trouble when nothing turned up. So my parents who don’t really know english decide that I need a better education so they move me to a high school know for being in the top 10 best high schools in the nation. Well then I started going to the mental/psychiatric hospital because I was severely depressed. And I have had like 20 hospitalization except I always lie so they think I’m just depressed and not schizophrenic…So now this year I am finally 18 years and trying to do something so I worked at a thrift shop for some time. Meanwhile I sincerely believe that I’m going to get to the olympics and also believe that people are trying to poison me and that I’m dying. I also talk to myself. A day in my life goes like this (out of the blue): “hey mom do you want to look at my feet…pauses it’s turning BLUE!!!” mom: me it’s not turning blue that’s your veins" me:“NO!!! call 911 NOW!” so it ends up with me at the er at odd times being told everything is fine and me saying I have a brain tumor or they are going to have to amputate my arms or I have AIDS. I also am convinced that people are poisoning me ugh that’s the worst one it goes like this me:MOM I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. you know i’m not going to eat that. mom: puzzled face huh? me:yes you are poisoning my food with drain opener mom: if I wanted to poison you I would have done it a long time ago me: you are so lying to me. I hate you! So then I quit my job most of all because I am convinced I am going to save the world from what? I don’t know. So this last year I have been in and out of mental/psychiatric hospitals and just last week at a monastery(for some time). But then I am always wrecking my life. I feel so bad… I have great remorse but then I am auto-destructive and I feel great guilt and I really want to be a bride of Christ. But idk how much I will be able to take I mean I am one of the most hard-working caring people but then I have ditched a bunch of places just because well…I am convinced of the above things…So idk what I should do? I just don’t get it I don’t want medicine that doesn’t help. I think I have a vocation but idk. Do you guys know anyone like me? And if you do what should I do? I am seriously convinced of all this stuff. And also I am so unexplainably manic at times, creative bursts and the like.
Well, first of all, well done on being so open and honest about your struggles. One crucially important thing is that you are aware of what you have done and aware of the impact these actions have had on those around you.
and find a professional you can trust and then go with him / her and work with him / her. Be prepared for a long and sometimes uncomfortable struggle ahead and don’t expect to be ‘fixed’ overnight. Above all, be totally open and honest with whoever you choose. Be self-aware and self-critical: but stay outcome-focussed.
I was having a terrible time dealing with a member of my family who has some really deep and serious mental health issues. She was making my life a misery with her accusations, manipulations and general self-sabotaging behaviour. But guess what? I learned to focus on the bright, funny and caring person that she can be and with the help of a brilliant charity called ‘Re-Think’ I learned to manage the time I spent with her, so I avoided situations where she could display hurtful or manipulative behaviour and end up saying things that would later fill her with regret and self-loathing. I wish she would take that step of recognising her behaviour, as you have clearly done because me and a whole lot of other people would support her in her journey if she’d just take that first step and hold up her hand for help.