MIL is anti life

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ekblad7

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My MIL has worn on my nerves for a number of years now. I have tried to ignore it, peacefully explain our religious beliefs concerning having children, etc. Each time I have become pregnant she has been nothing but negative. When the last baby was born she sent dh and I an email stating that he needed to get a vasectamy NOW! Still, I repeatedly explained NFP to her and how strongly we believe in it. She sees children as nothing but a big burden. She visits us once every five years, maybe, and won’t let us come there and stay in her house. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have really tried with this woman. I have called her weekly, sent her tons of pictures of the kids, I am always the one to remember her birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day. I just think at this point I want to cut off contact between she and I. I will still send a Christmas card and birthday card and pray for her but her lack of respect for me has really gotten to me. I am currently pregnant with our sixth blessing and she is on the vasectamy bandwagon again. HELP!
 
I think you’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty in being patient.

We live in a society where a lot of people think TWO children are one (and sometimes, two) too many!

Maybe you should respond in a cheerful but non-compromising manner (and perhaps a touch of sarcasm, just for fun!) For example:

MIL: Don’t you think six is enough?
You: For now! At least until the next one comes along!
MIL: You’re having too many kids!
You: Isn’t it wonderful??!!
MIL: He should get a vasectomy!
You: He doesn’t need to be “fixed”, he isn’t broken!

And so on. I know it’s hard to have a “grandma” so separated from her grandkids, but it’s HER loss. I hope and pray she comes to realize that before it’s too late!

Keep praying! And keep smiling! God has truly blessed you abundantly!

Blue “a little jealous of you” Rose
 
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ekblad7:
She sees children as nothing but a big burden…I am currently pregnant with our sixth blessing and she is on the vasectamy bandwagon again. HELP!
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Live as you see that God wants you to.

I had similar relationship with MIL. My children were never invited to her house, never pampered or played with. My children never even went upstairs in her house because they might put finger prints on her stuff. I was bitter, angry, and sometimes downright rude back to her.

However, over the years I got too busy to even think about it much. I prayed about it, and I let it go. MIL got cancer, and she had a very short time to live after that. In the last few months I went over with food for lunch and dinner and just spent time talking.

I know that she liked my children very much in the end. She was very proud of them. She was happy to die because she wanted to be with her husband.

At her funeral I remember wishing that she had enjoyed her grandchildren more and her life more. I realized it was her problem, but I sure did mellow over time. I pray you will too.

You don’t have the right to totally turn your back on your MIL, but keep on praying about it. Consider every visit charity. You will be the better person. Your children will learn the respect that you give. It is how you handle this situation, that they will take with them on to their life.

God Bless you, for your road is difficult, but what opportunity you have for teaching your children.
 
You are not alone! My MIL is nearly the same way during my pregnancies, but after the baby comes, she falls in love! It’s hard announcing new babies to her, though. I just had to do it and she was very negative and honestly hurt my feelings. I had had an ultrasound indicate that the placenta was low lying and might be a problem. I was worried. All she could focus on was the number of children (this will be #5) and that of course the problem was caused by all the babies. Turns out it shouldn’t be much of a problem, but now I’m mad at her! 😦 My husbands extended family (who are practicing catholics) are all very happy for us, which helps. I called his Grandmother immediately after the MIL call and she was very supportive and made me feel better. Perhaps in addition to praying for your MIL, try to find a few people, either within your family or close friends, who REJOICE at the announcement of new babies!!! 🙂 It will make you feel better.
Jennifer
 
I would very matter-of-factly tell her that it is none of her business. I’ve been in this situation, and cute remarks and hints just aren’t enought for some people.

I had an aunt not so nicely “inform” me at the Thanksgiving table, that I’d better go to a different hospital because the Catholic hospital I was having my 4th at would not give me the tubal ligation I obviously “needed”.

This wasn’t her first comment to me - not by a long shot. I just said, “Im of age, I’m married, no one feeds, clothes or babysits my kids, so why do you care how many I have?..It’s none of your business.” I said it very quietly, not nasty. She’s hasn’t bothered me since.
 
Congrats on the upcoming baby!!! I love big families, and I hope that one day we have one!

As for the MIL thing…you have my sympathies…my mom is already starting on us with the “how many are you going to have?” questions. (Get this…our first child was born 5 weeks ago!)

Not only that, but in DHs family, I am very close to one of his cousins, and she is currently pregnant with #4…Ever since she had #2 , the family (especially this cousins step-mother!) ask ME how many I think she’s going to have. I usually make a big deal of counting out her age, and making the assumption that she’ll have one every two years until age 45. Then I tell them that I don’t think she’ll make it to double digits unless she has twins!

Now on the other hand, some of DHs aunts used to ask me when we were going to have kids, and I’d sarcastically tell them never (it was nicer than saying none of your business! Like I wanted to talk about that with them…we had a lot of trouble concieving.)

Anyhow, rejoice in your babies, pray for MIL, and don’t worry too much about what she thinks. You do not have to explain yourself to her!

-Lori
 
Let me just say that there are alot of saints in this room that is offering some good advice. One thing that I would encourage is your husband’s involvement. When it comes to his own mother, you need to have his 100% support.

:blessyou:
 
First of all, congratulations on the upcoming birth of your sixth
child, I think that is wonderful! It sounds to me that you have
done the best you could with your MIL.

I was at a social event last spring where one of the people at
the table was the mother of eight children. When the woman
next to me found that out, she looked shocked and said to me
“What is she, a sex maniac”? I could not believe what she
had said to me, I was stunned at her remark! Isn’t that a sad
commentary how some people view large families today?! 😦
 
I just bought a shirt this weekend at a conference for a friend of mine who has 8 kids and constantly having to fend off rude and insenstive comments. Let me quote it to you

B4 You Even Ask…
Yes, these are all my children; and they’re awesome!
Yes, we have a television; we just don’t need it!
No, this is not some sort of daycare; it’s 24/7!
Why should we fix it if it’s not broke?
Yes, we know where they come from from…God
We planned on two; my spouse just can’t count.
Yes, we’ve heard of birthcontrol; no birth & no control.
You should enjoy our large family;
our kids will be paying your social security.
We didn’t plan the first few; why start now?
Are we done!? We’re just getting started!

On the front there’s a quote from Pope John Paul that says:
The greatest gift you can give your child is another sibling

catholicposters.com/shop/category.php?cat=32+33+46+
 
I was starting to think I was the only one with this problem!

My husband recently found out that he has high blood pressure. He is thin and very active so my mother in law believes it is all do to “the children”. Apparently she believes that our three kids are driving my husband to the grave.

I haven’t told my husband about this little conversation, and I don’t plan to. I don’t want him to feel yucky about the whole thing and besides, it would not change a thing for him to know. But I get so tired of the stupid, inconsiderate remarks!

My sister in law has five kids and she makes these remarks to them also. Ugh!

It’s bad enough to get them in the grocery store from strangers, but somehow hearing it from family is always worse.
 
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ekblad7:
My MIL has worn on my nerves for a number of years now. I have tried to ignore it, peacefully explain our religious beliefs concerning having children, etc. Each time I have become pregnant she has been nothing but negative. When the last baby was born she sent dh and I an email stating that he needed to get a vasectamy NOW! Still, I repeatedly explained NFP to her and how strongly we believe in it. She sees children as nothing but a big burden. She visits us once every five years, maybe, and won’t let us come there and stay in her house. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have really tried with this woman. I have called her weekly, sent her tons of pictures of the kids, I am always the one to remember her birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day. I just think at this point I want to cut off contact between she and I. I will still send a Christmas card and birthday card and pray for her but her lack of respect for me has really gotten to me. I am currently pregnant with our sixth blessing and she is on the vasectamy bandwagon again. HELP!
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I’ll trade you, my MIL lives in the same town. 😉

You never know what reasons she may be truly harboring for being so verbal about your situation. If it bothered her honestly because of her concern for you and your husband (maybe financial concerns, feeling you are overly burdening yourselves etc.) I’d think her approach would be different. Possibly more supportive, less verbal although still negative.

What it may be (I speak from experience, this was my reasoning for critisizing others a couple of years ago for having many children) is that she simply cannot relate with your lack of selfishness. I could never come to grips with how one could be happy with many children when they could be out doing “other things”. Now, with two grown Daughters, I realize I was always at my happiest when with them. I’d cash in a lifetime of “other things” for a moment with them.

My experience is that selfishness wants company. It helps justify ones selfishness.

Bear (or is it bare) with her. Show her your smiles, your enjoyment, she’ll either go home and shake her head in disbelief, or she’ll begin to question herself. 🙂
 
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Ourladyguadalup:
I would very matter-of-factly tell her that it is none of her business. I’ve been in this situation, and cute remarks and hints just aren’t enought for some people.

I had an aunt not so nicely “inform” me at the Thanksgiving table, that I’d better go to a different hospital because the Catholic hospital I was having my 4th at would not give me the tubal ligation I obviously “needed”.

This wasn’t her first comment to me - not by a long shot. I just said, “Im of age, I’m married, no one feeds, clothes or babysits my kids, so why do you care how many I have?..It’s none of your business.” I said it very quietly, not nasty. She’s hasn’t bothered me since.
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I like going along that line OLG.
…
“Well, I’m married. They all have the same father. He is a good provider. And I’m not farming them out for care.”
How many female relatives do we have who are unmarried, having kids, on welfare, no man in site, multiple fathers, havent finished high school, etc… at least 6 on my husband’s side, and 1 on my side. And to top it off, I get invited to the baby showers of cousins’ unmarried kids, like this is some wonderful thing that the 17 year old is making her a gramma!! woo hoo!
 
Donna Mc:
I was at a social event last spring where one of the people at
the table was the mother of eight children. When the woman
next to me found that out, she looked shocked and said to me
“What is she, a sex maniac”? I could not believe what she
had said to me, I was stunned at her remark! Isn’t that a sad
commentary how some people view large families today?! 😦
Click to expand...
Disturbing and sad. Ironic that in our society, it’s just fine and dandy to be a “sex maniac” unless it results in multiple children within a stable marriage.
 
I was at a social event last spring where one of the people at
the table was the mother of eight children. When the woman
next to me found that out, she looked shocked and said to me
“What is she, a sex maniac”? I could not believe what she
had said to me, I was stunned at her remark! Isn’t that a sad
commentary how some people view large families today?! 😦
I know the feeling! My mom has 6 kids and sometimes when I tell people that I’m the third of six children they’ll say something like “don’t your parents own a television” or something else implying that all they do is have sex. Funny…last time I checked people who use birth control have all the sex they want and it’s ok, but to actually produce children from it is evil.

As to the MIL, really it’s none of her business about how many kids you have. I think she has a lot of nerve to make the comment about the vasectomy. If it was me, I would simply tell her that it’s God’s Will, not my own, how many children I recieve. Also, I would say that they are my children and not her own to worry about. Maybe I like being "burdened’ by children! Just a thought. Good luck and when all else fails, pray!
 
Thanks for all the great (name removed by moderator)ut everyone! God Bless you all! I’ve been praying hard on it the past couple of days. I don’t think she will ever approve it or “get” it but at some point she will have to accept it. I wish dh would tell her, gently, that she needed to mind her own business but I don’t think he ever will.

Thanks again!
 
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ekblad7:
I wish dh would tell her, gently, that she needed to mind her own business but I don’t think he ever will.

Thanks again!
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I can’t imagine he has much motivation to engage her since you say children – meaning your husband – are nothing but a burden to her. Kinda puts a pall on the relationship, doesn’t it?
 
Very true. Unfortunately he can never admit to her failings. It’s really a shame how badly he wants her approval and how he’ll never get it.
 
These stories remind me of the time I was at a friend’s daughter’s wedding shower. I was pregnant with my 3rd child at the time and the coworker of the bride-to-be heard me say that I had two other children. This young women I did not even know exclaimed in slight horror “Your not going to have anymore after this one are you”. I was so stunned by her obvious crass remark and snooty attitude that I barely could answer her. I was like, “Uh, I don’t know”, LOL. I wish I had her infront of me now.
 
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ekblad7:
Very true. Unfortunately he can never admit to her failings. It’s really a shame how badly he wants her approval and how he’ll never get it.
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He may not have to confront her or tell her to mind her own business – after all, we do honor our parents – but the day he accepts the fact that he can’t have what he wants, will be the day he sets himself free. Trust me. I KNOW!
 
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