Missed a sin in confession, maybe being scrupulous

[DL82]

Last-but-one time I went to confession, I ommitted that I’d had insulting and hateful thoughts about another person. I am not sure whether this counts as deliberate, because I forgot it while preparing, but it came to mind AFTER I’d finished talking and the priest was giving me advice, out of respect for him, I didn’t want to interrupt, but I also have to admit I was embarrassed.

At my last confession, I said, among a list of minor sins, that I’d deliberately withheld a sin at my past confession, to a visiting priest who does not have English as a first language. I’m not sure he heard me.

So:

1. I know our Lord says whoever hates his brother has committed murder in his heart - do such thoughts count as mortal sin?
2. Was the first confession valid?
3. Was the second confession valid?

And more generally, am I being too scrupulous? I know I can get that way at times. I am a convert of 1 year, and I’m still not sure how much of a confession should be ‘rehearsed’ and how much a ‘conversation’ - for example, sometimes I’ll write down that I’ve done something 23 times, and I’ll just say “frequently” or “more than 20 times”, and then wonder if I’m covering something up, other times I’ll realise my list of ‘venial’ sins is too long, and skip some to make my confession more focussed, as a priest once advised me to do, then worry whether some of those sins were in fact mortal not venial.

 

[Lee_M]

After the priest was through giving you advice, you could tell him that you forgot one sin and then confess it. If you remembered after the absolution, it was forgiven, but just confess it the next time you go. Do not deliberately withold a sin because it just adds another sin and none of the others sins would be forgiven. So if you went in to the confessional with 4 sins and deliberately witheld one, you come out with 5 sins. However if you truly forgot the one, then it is forgiven.

 

[PhilotheaZ]

Most of us have “insulting and hateful thoughts” about people from time to time. If they pop into our heads uninvited and we quickly dismiss them, it is no sin at all, but rather a temptation, and dismissing them is actually meritorious.

It is when we give in to those thoughts, consent to them and continue to entertain them that they become sinful, but I would guess probably venially sinful unless it is to excess.

To have angry thoughts about someone does not necessarily mean you hate them. If you hate them, you actually wish them harm. If you hope they will change, and if you are able to pray for them, you do not hate them and you are on the road to forgiveness.

It is only strictly necessary to confess mortal sins. It is only necessary to give the number of times (a good estimate suffices) for mortal sins.

You do not have to confess your venial sins at all (unless you have no mortal sins, in which case you have to confess at least one venial sin in order for the sacrament to be valid).

If you are only confessing venial sins (a devotional confession, which gives us grace and helps us grow in holiness), it is not necessary to confess ALL of them. Confess the ones that give you the most trouble, that you truly intend to work on overcoming. A more focused approach can actually be better for you spiritually, because your purpose of amendment will be firmer when you truly intend to work on avoiding certain sins.

Remember, as long as you confess all your mortal sins (or at least one venial sin if you only have venial sins), ALL of your sins are forgiven.

It does sound like you might be headed toward scrupulosity. Next time you go to confession (to a priest you trust), share this concern with him, and ask for his guidance on the best way for YOU to confess your sins. And ask him for a little guidance on distinguishing between mortal and venial sins; give him examples of the ones you were unsure of.