Mixed marriage; Feeling shut out

[1ke]

This is exactly why mixed marriages are such a bad idea.

I am very sorry you are already experiencing strife in your marriage regarding religion.

Regarding feeling like you stand out at Mass-- I can almost guarantee that is all in your head. Many Catholic do not go up to receive for various reasons, and you are probably not the only non-Catholic in attendance. You probably think you have a scarlett “M” (for Methodist) on your chest-- but the average Catholic is not looking around to see who went to Communion and who didn’t and probably has no idea you’re Methodist.

Yes, there are serious differences between Catholicism and Methodism. However, the Church absolutely does acknowledge you are a Christian and part of the Body of Christ.

I suggest you work out these issues NOW, before you bring children into the situation. As part of premarital counseling you were informed that your DH would have to raise his children Catholic. You married him knowing this, so you have only yourself to blame now if you are not satisfied with this arrangement.

I’m sure that comes across harshly-- but you are an adult who made the *decision *to date and marry a Catholic. I hope you will look at the Catholic faith with a serious eye to converting-- not to please your husband but because it is True. If you don’t, then in order to honor your marriage vows and the obligation you have to honor your husband as the spiritual head of the household I suggest you find a way to deal with it.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

This is exactly why mixed marriages are such a bad idea.

I am very sorry you are already experiencing strife in your marriage regarding religion.

Regarding feeling like you stand out at Mass-- I can almost guarantee that is all in your head. Many Catholic do not go up to receive for various reasons, and you are probably not the only non-Catholic in attendance. You probably think you have a scarlett “M” (for Methodist) on your chest-- but the average Catholic is not looking around to see who went to Communion and who didn’t and probably has no idea you’re Methodist.

Yes, there are serious differences between Catholicism and Methodism. However, the Church absolutely does acknowledge you are a Christian and part of the Body of Christ.

I suggest you work out these issues NOW, before you bring children into the situation. As part of premarital counseling you were informed that your DH would have to raise his children Catholic. You married him knowing this, so you have only yourself to blame now if you are not satisfied with this arrangement.

I’m sure that comes across harshly-- but you are an adult who made the *decision *to date and marry a Catholic. I hope you will look at the Catholic faith with a serious eye to converting-- not to please your husband but because it is True. If you don’t, then in order to honor your marriage vows and the obligation you have to honor your husband as the spiritual head of the household I suggest you find a way to deal with it.

As usual, you manage to say what I was thinking, but was unable to say it without sounding arrogant and condescending. I am in awe of your masterful use of the English language.

 

[Hope070408]

Oh, I can totally relate to those feelings of being separated and shut out! It is difficult, among other things, not being able to receive communion in my fiancee’s church. Understanding the reasons behind it does nothing to make it easier, of course. So I totally get the need to express the feelings. Talking about it in this way, and hopefully getting some other perspectives and some support from others going through it, is simply part of just dealing with it.

Sure, those of us going into an ecumenical marriage knew what we were getting into. And we chose this. But there’s certainly nothing at all wrong wtih having (and discussing) feelings about it, or with acknowledging the particular emotional and other challenges an ecumenical marriage (or, as in my case, soon-to-be marriage) faces.

By the way, Interesting comment on the spiritual head of household. I tend to be the more spiritual and religious one than my fiancee.

 

[kalt]

Hi everyone,
Thank you for you insight into my rant. I hope it didn’t come across as disrespectful, because that was not my intention. I was just frustrated and needed to express my feelings.
Someone posted a comment similiar to what I was feeling when they noted that my tradition is an “open” tradition (our slogan is ‘Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors’) and so my conflict is at its center due to entering into a more restrictive religious environment where I suddenly, rightly or wrongly, feel as though I have to defend myself and the religious faith with which I was raised and have upheld my entire life. I hope you all can see why this would be painful for me.
That said, my husband and in-laws are respectful of my tradition, and we did receive special permission to marry in my home church. I don’t sense any animosity or pity from them; it’s just that, before my husband and I met, neither had much insight or understanding into the other’s tradition.
As for the understanding before we were married that our future children would be raised Catholic, I did understand it, and though we have talked a bit about it, we are seriously considering children in the next year or so, so this issue has become more challenging for me as we discuss it more thoroughly. Again, as I said earlier, I have no problem with our children being baptized Catholic and attending Mass or being educated in the Catholic tradition, so long as they can also attend church with me and, in the process of the Catholic education they would receive, not at some point turn against me or look at me and my faith as somehow “wrong” in light of the education they receive (that is why I would like to hope that mixed marriage, as they are becoming more common, would be addressed in some way in their education).
Another interesting thing that happened in my church with regard to another Catholic-Methodist couple is that they baptized their child Catholic and then my church had a “ceremony of recognition,” which had all the trappings of my church’s baptism ceremony without – well-- the baptism. The child was bought to the front of the church, blessed by the pastor, introduced to the congregation, and the pastor said the child would be raised in both the Catholic and Methodist traditions. Then the choir sang a special song for the child and the child received a banner that all our baptized children get at the time of baptism. Meanwhile, this child, now 3 or 4 years old, attends Catholic Mass with his dad and occasionally comes to the Methodist Church service with his mom (who also has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous marriage who is Methodist). I think their arrangement is what we will be considering when the time comes. I also find it interesting to note that, in my town, the Catholic and Methodist churches sit right next to one another. In the past 15 years or so, the local priest in the Catholic Church and the other pastors in our town seem to enjoy a good relationship, despite admittedly vast docterinal differences.
Both my husband and myself grew up in our respective faith traditions and feel they are very important to us – a core identity for each of us. I respect this in my husband, and his family is very involved in thier local church and church-related community functions, as is my family in my home church. Though I know our traditions differ greatly in some ways, all I would ask is that my tradition be given respect as well, even though fundamental disagreements might exist.
Thanks for listening – and feel free to add any further comments/insights/opinions…

To be honest, I’m not seeing a problem with your arrangement. You were married with your eyes open. Both of you were very smart to educated yourselves and talk these things out before getting married, so there were no surprises after.

I’m guesssing that it’s not your mixed marriage and your in-laws’ strong faith and involvement in their parish that are bothering you, exactly. Although you’ve intellectualy accepted what Catholic teaching is (you understand it), maybe you haven’t been truly reconciled to it.

Now that you’re seriously thinking of having children, the real impact of the CCs teaching on your family’s life (with your future children) is hitting a deeper nerve. Now the teaching is personal.

I’m guessing, again, that you’re a little afraid of Catholicism. It’s OK at a distance, but this is your kids you’re talking about, and now it’s a scary and intimidating force that seems to be overshadowing your religion.

I think this is why older people tell younger people to think very hard before entering a mixed marriage. You can’t anticipate these feelings. Even if they tell you you’ll feel this way, you think that love will conquer everything, and that it will be easy. Then your future kids are more than a distant thought. They are a serious consideration. You realize just how important religion will be in their lives, and you’re not so willing to give up any part of your “side” when giving your kids a religious education. The reality is that the two faiths aren’t 100% identical. There are conflicting doctrines. And this is where you’re having the most difficulty. If your children are raised Catholic, they will believe doctrines that conflict with the Methodist doctrines that are so much a part of your religious identity.

I’m only guessing that you’re a little scared by the prospect of the massive Catholic Church teaching your kids doctrines that are opposed to some of your own. But I know that I would be scared if my kids were being taught doctrines that opposed Catholic doctrine.

 

[happygal]

Understand the pain, you are going through right now. Do not be influence over by this problem and thus drew you into deep worries…NO NO NO…pray instead more that you need God’s help in this area…Both of you are united as one under him, so God will never give you a test that both you and your husband cannot overcome. I have a believer frez married to a non believer hubby…so her problem is even bigger than yours…since her husband is not a believer, so it is automatically that he expect all his kids to be non believer…so my frez did not bring her (3 sons) to church initially, however…God’s grace…years later…she finally able to bring her kids to church with her husband consent…So if God can make things happened for her…so God will too make a way for you and your husband…don’t not worry about who’s teaching is the only Truth, or which church is good …blar…blar… pray to God that you wanted only the best for his kids…

Another example is ME. I was brought up as a Taoist, but now i am practicing christianity. My mum asked me why i wanted to become a christian where i’m not even brought up as one…so…how to explain to her ?? Coz God pick me to become …one to simplify that…

 

[hasikelee]

On feeling shut out by not being able to receive…have you tried praying about this?

As the Communion in a Catholic Church is Jesus Christ, body and blood, soul and divinity, it is by your choice that you shut him out and not the other way around. Receiving Christ in the Eucharist is as much a vow and act of unity as it is when you engage in the marital embrace with your husband. He is waiting for you, always, and never has turned His back to you.

Could it be, quite possibly, that you are not feeling “shut out” but rather the deep, quiet beckoning of Our Savior?