Mixed Marriages, Protestants/Catholics

[brit_2911]

Is anyone here from a mixed marriage of a Protestant and Catholic? My parents and grandparents are from mixed religious marriages as well (Catholic and Baptist). My boyfriend and I have been thinking about marriage, as we love each other more than anything or anyone and couldn’t imagine our lives without each other. However, I am Catholic and he is Methodist. I have found that Methodists (more Wesleyan) are a lot more similar to the Catholic faith than I thought. My boyfriend is extremely respectful of my faith, and I am trying to be so to his as well. We have talked about how that would look for our children one day, and he says that he would help me raise them Catholic and support them in that. We don’t really fight about anything religious, we only differ on very few and little things (which gives me hope and comfort for the outlook). I want to be respectful of him, and not look down on his beliefs or ignorance of the fullness of the faith. What were some helpful things that made your marriage work and help you accept each other, while still remaining faithful and passionate to your Catholic beliefs and practices?

Asking my family for their advice isn’t quite as helpful, as Baptists and Catholics are more on the opposite ends of the spectrum with their beliefs. It’s a tricky dynamic.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Hi there, I was in a mixed marriage with a Presbyterian for 23 years (he died). We were together 10 years before we got married. So 33 years in all. We were happy. His parents and most of his grandparents were Prebyterian, his only sibling married into a strong Baptist family (they are now nondenominational), and he had some Catholic uncles/ aunts/ cousins/ grands/ greatuncles and aunts. My own father was a convert and his parents and other family were Baptist/ Methodist.

My husband was a strong believer in Jesus as savior, but he wasn’t really into practicing a faith as in going to church regularly or doing any sort of praying. He just figured if he did his part to live a responsible and kind life then God would just take care of stuff without him having to bother too much about it. He would accompany me to Mass (stayed in the pew at Communion time and we did bicker a little because he wouldn’t genuflect as not believing in the Real Presence). Occasionally, like when there was a family death, I would get him to pray a Rosary with me or go to Adoration with me. He agreed when we got married to raise the kids Catholic. We ended up not having any kids for physical/ health reasons but I am quite certain he would have been fine with Catholic kids.

I tried to be respectful of his faith, but as I am a bit outspoken and blunt we would often end up with a “good grief that’s just silly” ending to our conversations. He didn’t mind too much. For my part I didn’t get bent out of shape when his father thought my making the Sign of the Cross meant that I was angry with my husband over something because he had been around Italians who would cross themselves at times when they were just about to fly into a rage. We had to explain to Father-in-law that that was just me praying.

The in-laws didn’t mind my being Catholic, really nobody did. I had an open invitation to go to Presbyterian church with them if I wanted to, but I didn’t want to, so I didn’t. I didn’t expect them (or even my husband) to go to Mass with me. It was all good. At some point his mom told me a story about her Catholic dad being upset when she left the church (her mother was Presbyterian, she picked mom’s church). I got the impression she didn’t get along with her dad over other things so that’s why she wasn’t inclined to his church. Later I found out I was apparently the only one in the family she told that story to.

I think if you are marrying into a family where they are all actually practicing their faith and going to church and really interested in religion, etc is really important to them it might be more difficult for you than it was for me, but really if you all just respect each other, don’t bicker a lot over religion and settle BEFORE you get married how the kids will be raised, I think it’s doable, especially if you both believe strongly in Jesus as savior. I was really hoping to get my husband to convert and praying over it a lot but like I said he died. The priest told me atterwards God may very well have granted my prayer at the moment of death. I hope so and I have good reason to think my husband is in heaven now so I just trust God about it.

 

[TheLittleLady]

My husband was a strong believer in Jesus as savior, but he wasn’t really into practicing a faith as in going to church regularly or doing any sort of praying.

I know many happy mixed marriages, in all but one this is the case.

Strangely, in all of them the children end up not really practicing anything.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Strangely, in all of them the children end up not really practicing anything.

Well, we’ll never know in my case. Maybe stuff like that is why God chose not to send us any kids.

Edited to add, what you said does apply to my mother-in-law, whose parents had a mixed marriage back in the days when those things were really frowned upon. She was not a big church goer. Father-in-law was often going off to services by himself while she stayed home and drank some coffee.

I will say that I don’t see the kids from the Baptist in-laws knocking themselves out to be great Baptists either.

 

[tafan2]

That last sentence is kind of scary. Of course, I know of lots of kids from families with both parents bring Catholic who fall away from the faith, but not all. As I think about the people I know, off the top of my head, your last statement doesn’t seem that far off.

 

[Dhc8_Type]

Wife and I drive together to our churches on the same block. And meet up for breakfast afterwards. As a German American lutheran I feel lost going to her church. Sing half a hymn and stop leave before the final hymn is finished. She came with me to our installation of our new pastor and commented that we sang more in 90 minutes then they will sing in a month.

 

[somecanadian]

I mean, technically I’m in a mixed marriage since my husband is an atheist.

Here are a few things to ponder:

People change. Their viewpoints and beliefs about things change but who they are in their CORE rarely does. If he is respectful, kind, caring and thoughtful now, he will be even if he changes his mind.

That said… children change everything. How he feels about raising the children Catholic could and MIGHT change once a child is actually involved. If he is strong in his faith it will be a burden to him to raise children Catholic. How he handles that burden is on him.

My husband and I discussed these things well in advance. Because he has no faith he doesn’t mind the children being raised Catholic so long as they are taught to be respectful, loving, kind and non-hateful humans. Something I could easily agree to.

I think I would have been far more hesitant to marry someone with a faith tradition because as someone with my own faith I understand how hard it would be to agree to send my children to a Church I don’t believe in.

How would you feel if he insisted on sending the children to a Methodist church?

Just things to think about.

The most important thing I want you to do is to pray. I was VERY skeptical leading into my relationship because I had been told over and over again that mixing is bad. BUT during the discernment process the Lord led me to stories of many, many, many saints whose husbands became believers because of their wives patient witness.

I knew, without a doubt, that it would be a very hard path and would require much of me. I CANNOT be a lazy Catholic because if I am it would hurt his eternal soul. But I knew that was right for me because without the need to be a faithful witness to him I WOULD be a lazy Catholic (it’s in my nature to be spiritually lazy).

He was the one I needed to bring me closer to God and I was who he needs to bring him closer.

God knows what He’s doing.

Be very careful but be open to what God is trying to tell you. And remember He speaks in many ways (through others, through the saints, through the Bible). Pray, keep your eyes and ears open. As long as you are listening, you will hear what He’s trying to tell you about this relationship.

 

[Bluebright]

My dad is a Catholic and my mom was a Baptist when they married, she converted when I was about 10 or 11. They gave me a reasonable upbringing as a Catholic but if I am honest they are a little lukewarm as they go to mass occasionally rather than regularly and always have done, though they do go. My brother doesnt go to church anymore and I had a long time away before returning, I now go regularly. I am not sure if the mixed religion has anything to do with our sporadic attendance at mass as my mom did convert early in my life.

Fr Mike talks on this topic though he may help… he’s quite balanced.

 

[somecanadian]

The trend is concerning the children because marriage is primarily for bringing spouses to Christ and children. If marriage wasn’t primarily for those purposes we wouldn’t see gay marriage as problematic.

It’s good that he says he would be okay raising the children Catholic. I hope once children come into the picture that he won’t change his mind. If he is respectful and loving now, I’m sure he will be after as well but just know that when the children actually arrive it will change his feelings and maybe even yours. It’s easy to speculate on how they change things but you won’t actually know how much they change everything until you hold them in your arms.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

He said he would bring them up in the Catholic faith and encourage them in it, but would not force anything on them when they are of adult age (18).

Generally, in order to get married in the Church, the non-Catholic spouse will need to agree to raise the children Catholic.
Once children are legal adults, neither one of you can “force anything on them”. Your parenting job is finished and it’s up to the kids to make their own choices. If they decide to run away with the cult of Baal, it’s their choice.

 

[brit_2911]

Yes, I agree.

 

[joeybaggz]

Dad was generic main line protestant, mom was Catholic. We were raised Catholic and my dad honored my mother’s wishes, even to the point of sending us to Catholic schools. Dad converted when he was in his early sixties. A mixed marriage that worked very well.
I have noticed that mixed marriages can be more successful between Catholic and main line Protestant. The antagonism coming from many Pentecostal/fundamentalist protestant is a different story. Were I to meet someone of a “passionate” Pentecostal (read Catholic bashing) nature, I would move on. Don’t need the hassle.

 

[somecanadian]

That’s a very good point. It’s important to know what that particular Protestant faith tradition teaches about Catholicism.

My original Protestant faith tradition was EXTREMELY anti-Catholic. To the point they had sermons just bashing Catholicism. I would have never considered someone from that faith tradition for that reason.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

It’s very doable. My parents were a mixed marriage (my mom has since joined the Church after being raised Presbyterian) and I’m in one now. It’s really not a huge deal as long as you have the appropriate conversations about kids.

 

[signit]

Generally, in order to get married in the Church, the non-Catholic spouse will need to agree to raise the children Catholic.

Small point: It’s the Catholic spouse that needs to agree to raise the children Catholic.

The non-Catholic spouse must be informed that the Catholic spouse made this promise.

Dad was generic main line protestant, mom was Catholic. We were raised Catholic and my dad honored my mother’s wishes, even to the point of sending us to Catholic schools. Dad converted when he was in his early sixties. A mixed marriage that worked very well.
I have noticed that mixed marriages can be more successful between Catholic and main line Protestant. The antagonism coming from many Pentecostal/fundamentalist protestant is a different story. Were I to meet someone of a “passionate” Pentecostal (read Catholic bashing) nature, I would move on. Don’t need the hassle.

In my case, Mom was Catholic; Dad was a self-described Protestant who believed in God but has no interest in following any organized religion. I was raised Catholic and Dad had no problem with that; he figured at least I was getting some religious training.

I’ve always said, if the non-Catholic spouse isn’t really a committed member of any church, that person might be more likely to be okay with the kids being raised as Catholics than someone’s who’s committed to something else.

 

[alice24]

I knew, without a doubt, that it would be a very hard path and would require much of me. I CANNOT be a lazy Catholic because if I am it would hurt his eternal soul. But I knew that was right for me because without the need to be a faithful witness to him I WOULD be a lazy Catholic (it’s in my nature to be spiritually lazy).

welcome to my marriage I was always what one could call “spiritual” but lacked praxis and this is exactly what I won after the marriage: faith praxis. I´m grateful for this.

 

[Lara]

It’s okay to note the similarities between your faiths, but don’t forget to thoroughly study the differences. Also, I’d try to teach him as much as you can about the Catholic faith.

 

[MCH1]

Is anyone here from a mixed marriage of a Protestant and Catholic?

I am. My mom is Catholic, and my Dad was Methodist. He converted around 8 years ago. We always went to the Catholic Church, and were fully brought up as Catholic.

 

[Theo2]

My wife of 54 years is not Catholic. She is Methodist but does not go to her church. Occasionally when the children are home she will join us at mass. She said she will never convert and gets nothing out of the mass.
In a marriage where both are Catholic there is a 50% chance the children will remain Catholic as adults.
If only the mother is Catholic it drops to 25%. If only the father is Catholic it is 50%! So if you are female I recommend you wait for him to convert before you marry him. If you are a man then make sure you are 100% faithful to your faith. In our case we discussed religion extensively before marriage. She ask about all my beliefs. She decided if she was going to marry a Catholic she wanted to marry a good Catholic or else the ground would always be shifting. She agreed to raise the children Catholic and took that promise very seriously. I have not missed Sunday mass. We did not practice artificial birth control. We have been blessed beyond measure and all three children faithfully practice their faith. We have never argued about religion. I want from the bottom of my heart that she would convert but I would never pressure her. I feel she will go to heaven if she dies but there is a doubt. Be glad to discuss in a private message. May God be with you.

 

[BartholomewB]

Generally, in order to get married in the Church, the non-Catholic spouse will need to agree to raise the children Catholic.

Small point: It’s the Catholic spouse that needs to agree to raise the children Catholic.

The non-Catholic spouse must be informed that the Catholic spouse made this promise.

From memory, my wife—as the Catholic spouse—gave an undertaking that she would bring up our children in the Catholic faith, while I, as the non-Catholic, gave my consent that I would allow her to do that. But it was a long time ago. Maybe the rules have changed in the meantime.