Mom Always Arguing At Daughter

[Misshoneybunny]

Good Evening everyone,

My name is evangeline and i would like some advice on how to stay strong and not argue back with my mother when she says such hurtful things to me.
This morning she came downstairs for my father to redress her wound on her foot that she had recently burned. So before he begins to wrap her foot in new bandages, i tell her,“You should wash your foot with soap and water before you put on the cream.” She says no that she isnt going to do that. I warn her that it could get infected, and that it had been doctors orders; she says no again. I insist one last time, and this time my father sides with me. This is where it all starts:
She starts yelling at my father,“So instead of siding with your own wife you’re agreeing with your daughter?” my father trys to explain that he was only trying to help her. But she tells him to go away from her and that shecan finish wrapping her foot herself. She tells me to start cleaning as my punishment, and without saying a single word i obey.
As i clean the kitchen which is right to next her,shecontinues yelling at me saying such mean things such as:
~i’ve raised a snake in my own home
~you alays make your father and i argue;i hope your kids do the same
~you havea demon inside you
~you have never made me happy
~i hate you
~you’re coward for continuing living undermy roof whenyou know the doors open
And etc., etc., etc.,
Not once did i talk back because i was trying not to disrespect her but there was so much i could have said. If that wasnt enough she has continued this arguement throughout the day. Fights like these have happened before but i was always quick toforgive her. So i was thinking of maybe giving her thecold shoulder this whole week?
Im 16 and im feeling hopeless, but thanks to the lord i find strength in my prayers.
May God bless tremendously all those who reply.

 

[Rainaldo]

How did she burn her foot?

I suggest you simply stop speaking to her. I don’t mean ignore her; I mean simply stop saying anything to her. If she speaks to you, act like you are paying attention, but just sit there and don’t say or do anything in response, as though you are simply watching television.

 

[oneofmany]

Seems your mother is very destructive with you and your relationship with her. You are probably going to leave home as soon as you can. Many kids do with parents like this.

There are books you can get on how to deal with difficult people and toxic people. Assertive training is also good to learn, there is books on that. You can learn how to answer her with a neutral meaning so she can’t get fired up so much. You can also learn how to let it slid off your back and know it is her problem, not yours.

Keep praying and I hope you have good relatives. Maybe an aunt or cousin to lean on.

 

[kmuestwin]

It sounds like your mother is hurt and said things she didn’t mean. I know that when I hurt or ill, I am very irritable and I make snap judgements. When I feel low, I tend to drag others down with me. That’s not something I’m proud of and it’s something that I have to work to improve.

My advice would be to keep a low profile for a few days and pray for her to feel better.

Try this out. Next time your mom is cooking or working on something say these words, “What can I do to help?” When said sincerely it can be the most disarming sentence ever spoken. When given a task after you say this don’t make suggestions or try and give advice. Some people can’t help but see advice as criticism.

When I say lay low, I don’t mean to do something petty like ignore someone to their face. Just give your mom space and avoid confrontation.

To all those saying “Your mother is destructive, and you should be ready to move out ASAP” I can’t help but wonder how you would feel if someone advised your minor child to leave home because of one incident based on a single testimony from a considerably biased source. You’ve read a single post about a single argument and you are ready to send her away. It’s ridiculous. It’s not like we’ve had time see a pattern or trend. It’s one post and your ready to call CPS.

 

[Cryptic1]

Your mother seems to be hurting and you (and your father) appear to bear the brunt of her anger. If possible, but try to understand where she’s coming from. When (like Jesus), you begin to feel compassion and empathy for your mother, then will you be able to talk to and minister to her in love. Love is the only force that can break the chains of anger and unforgiveness that are holding your mother captive.

Understand too that angry people engage in verbal battles because it feeds the emotional pain they are feeling. When you talk to your mother, do so in a soft manner. It takes two people to argue and when you talk to your mother this way, you will be taking away her ability to argue with you.

As Christians, we are called to forgive one another many times over, even in this trying situation. The reason Jesus told us to do this was so that we would not be bound to the accuser because of our unforgiveness. Everytime your mother starts to yell at you, ask the Holy Spirit to help you. The Holy Spirit is always there but you still need to ask for his help.

A support from a family member or friend or church would really help you out at this time. I pray that the Lord would send laborers into the vineyard to help you and your father and mother. And God bless you for being such a brave young girl.

 

[monicatholic]

Evangeline,
if your mother acts and reacts like this often, then you should be more than careful in your communications with her. Telling her THREE times a preventative measure? In gentle goodwill i ask you, how did you think that the repetitious advice would come to a good end?

Perhaps with a calmer, gentler individual, that might be appropriate. ( again, it might not. Theres a lot to be said for respecting people’s choices.) But with a defensive, lashing- out type, you overstepped her bounds. And with lash- out types, overstepping their bounds puts you squarely in a bear trap. But this is not news to you. Youve been here before.

Of course this wound topic is almost off limits to you now. You get to suggest nothing. You cant even say ’ can i wash your wound before you wrap it?’ Because its already a ruined topic. But you can gather the wraps and ointments and make sure they’re nearby for use. You can show that you simply care about her well being in those quiet wordless ways.

If even the best intentioned, silent, helpful actions are misconstrued by your mom and used as weapons against you, then you can mercifyully assume you’re dealing with some imbalace or mental illness in your mother.

If this becomes apparent, you have strategies-- some of them can work together and some are entirely incompatible with other strategies on the list :
Pray for your mother
offer up all your sufferings of being wrongly accused for the conversion of sinners
Stay quiet, knowing everything would be used against you
Ask God to help you join your sufferings to Christ
accept the reality that you walk on eggshells and tip toe around land mines as long as you are home
Engage in battle and defend yourself constantly
Try and prove you’re right and that she’s nuts at every episode
Be sarcastic. Say stuff like " sure mom.whatever you say, mom."
Get counseling
Go to mass and confession often
Ask God to put in your life a trusted adult who will offer soild Christian counsel
feel sorry for yourself
see how this real suffering can become a powerful spiritual tool of redemption

Note, evangeline, NONE of this will change your mother. But some of this has the power to change you in profound, Christ- like, holy ways.

When you become an adult, you will have more options.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

~i’ve raised a snake in my own home
~you alays make your father and i argue;i hope your kids do the same
~you havea demon inside you
~you have never made me happy
~i hate you
~you’re coward for continuing living undermy roof whenyou know the doors open

This is not the kind of thing you EVER say to your child. I hate you? You never made me happy??
Does your mother have some issues you could identify? It sounds she is taking her frustrations out on you. Perhaps you could speak to someone, a councellor at school or something, just so you get a sense of perspective on things and support with dealing with the abuse. I’m so sorry this is happening

 

[Misshoneybunny]

Thank you so much for replying everyone, you have no idea how comforting it feels! For now I am just going to keep a low profile and step on eggs with her until i am able to grow up. I have been studying really hard in hopes that i may gain a scholarship that allows me to sleep at the school. To each and evry single one of you: you’re words of advice/wisdom helped open my mind and comfort me, so i ask that god may great bless you all.
She has just woken up and to downstairs to make breakfast let’ssee how today goes. All my life I have been worried to find out if she wakes up in a good mood or in a bad mood, as she always argues with me if she is in a bad.
My mother has been traumatized alot when she was younger, for example: her mother was raped, she had a mean step father, she lived since birth with her strict grandparents, then when they both died she was taken to live full time with her mother at 11, her mother would be very emptionally abuse towards her, her mother would aleays go out and leave her home olnly to party. At 16 my mother met my father who was 40 and lathed herself onto him as her escape route from that life. She had VERY SERIOUS fights with her mother to leave but she made it out.

So i can see she does have alot of anger bottled up inside about how life treated her, i just wish she wouldnt take it out on me.

Thanks again

 

[oneofmany]

I did not want to make seem that you should run away as soon as you are able. I think you are smarter than to do that but I know many kids who are in the same predictament as you and they will leave home when they are grown as soon as they can.

Your mother clearly has issues she has never dealt with and it is not fair to take it out on you to make you feel bad. She should really be in counseling but I don’t think you will convince her of that.

I would argue with my mother but we never used the language your mother does. That seems beyond mother/daughter arguments. You really need to talk to a priest about it. Maybe he can help. They do have counseling groups the church runs or he can get you and your mother into counseling. You go even if your mother won’t. Your father can pay for it. Have the priest talk to him.

I think you already have a good idea on why your mother acts the way she does. You say she jumped into marriage to escape her situation. I sure hope you won’t do the same thing—you see how it did not help your mother. You are too smart not to do the same thing.

 

[Rainaldo]

I did not want to make seem that you should run away as soon as you are able. I think you are smarter than to do that but I know many kids who are in the same predictament as you and they will leave home when they are grown as soon as they can.

Your mother clearly has issues she has never dealt with and it is not fair to take it out on you to make you feel bad. She should really be in counseling but I don’t think you will convince her of that.

I would argue with my mother but we never used the language your mother does. That seems beyond mother/daughter arguments. You really need to talk to a priest about it. Maybe he can help. They do have counseling groups the church runs or he can get you and your mother into counseling. You go even if your mother won’t. Your father can pay for it. Have the priest talk to him.

I think you already have a good idea on why your mother acts the way she does. You say she jumped into marriage to escape her situation. I sure hope you won’t do the same thing—you see how it did not help your mother. You are too smart not to do the same thing.

And in the end, where will that get the OP?

 

[SMHW]

You’ve gotten lots of advice and opinions. May I offer more?

Don’t argue with your mother or tell her what to do —even if you know better.

What I mean is that there are others ways to share your thoughts and feelings with your mother. If you related the story correctly you told your mother what she should do. Now it doesn’t really matter whether your advice is sound or not; your mother doesn’t want *you *to tell her what to do. And I suspect there are other ways that you could have reminded her about what she ought to do without giving her a direct imperative. You could have simply stated that the doctor’s instructions said to clean the wound prior to applying new bandages. That makes the information less personal. In other words, it’s not about you. If your mother wants to argue about it then she has to argue with the doctor and the instructions, not with you.

I don’t know your mother. I don’t know if she simply dislikes certain things and would reject them no matter what the circumstances. But I think it is very likely that she rejected your advice as much because dislikes having her daughter assuming the authority role as because she doesn’t consider the information important. She probably dislikes it if your father tells her what to do too. And it seems like your father knew this because it took some prodding before he was willing to say anything to her.

I realize that you have your mother’s best interests at heart. But your mother felt dishonored when you assumed the role of “the daughter who knows better than the parent”. If you want to express your concern then be honest and admit that much of your concern is for yourself. Tell her that you want a healthy mother and it makes you afraid when you think she won’t be.

Take the advice of a complete stranger (who has no right to tell you anything!* )* Let your mother assume the authority over what she will do about her health.