Mom lied for over 49 years and made me look dumb

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My mother said, and I always wanted to believed her, said that I was born premature even though I weighed 6lbs 2oz at birth and was heathly enough to have a Baptism with photos and all at two and a half weeks old, at our Church. I was cute and chubby.(not an emergency Baptism at the hospital) All her other babies (7) were around the same weight. They said I was a “Honeymoon Baby.” They were married Aug 1955, I was born March 2, 1956. My daughter, who is expecting her third child tells me I’m a fool to believe my mother all these years. Now I have doubts, In fact, now that I think back when my husband I planned to be married in 1977 we decided to push up the day because his family who lived in another country were able to come at that time, but before I could explain why we decided to push up the date my mother called me a whore and demanded to know if I was pregnant:confused: which of course I was not, we NEVER had sex at all. Was she reliving her own life???I never understood until my own child pointed this out to me just recently as she is expecting her 3rd baby soon. BTW, when she called me that I cried for days and she never said she was sorry. She just said if I was expecting I will go to hell for it. Is it at all possible she is telling the truth or am I just a fool to believe that a baby can be born healthy at 6 and a half months or 7 months back in 1956 and not need any medical intervention??? My brother, who is a Doctor now, said I was not a preemie years ago when he was in med school and got slapped in the mouth by her. I know this can be a dumb question coming from a 49 year old mother of 3 and grandma of almost 3 but I always wanted to believe her, but now I have my doubts. In fact when I had my 1st miscarriage at 2 months (married 4 months) my mother asked the doctor how far along I was (he would not tell her-but he told me that she asked) What would make her lie for all these years??? In fact, my baby sister “had to get married” in 1996 at age 18 and she never gave a kind word to her in fact left it to me to play the role of “mother” for my little sister. She just called her a dirty slut and left it at that. (her kids call me Auntie Nana) I want to believe the best in everyone, but now I think I was made out to be a fool. I even told this on medical papers I’ve filled out in the past what a fool I am. How stupid I must look to others. I will never confront her with this she is now in her 70’s I just need to know the facts. Thanks
 
Kaymart,
You are not a fool for having belived your mother. That was the story you were told. Why would you not think it was true? Your poor mother had someone in her life really drill into her that to get preganat before marriage is a ticket to hell. Sounds to me like she had a harsh childhood. You should just pity her more than anything else. Sounds to me like you must be the better mother and friend. You know you are not a whore. Don’t beat yourself up over your mother’s limitations. I see so many people spend far too much time doing this. Look forward and enjoy your children and grandchildren. Pity your mother and don’t wait for an apology that may never come. Be the bigger person and let go of the anger and resentment because anger does nothing but hurt you! Rejoice that God has given you a kinder heart.

Cindy
 
I’m sorry you are dealing with these issues. It never ceases to hurt at any age when you realize your parents aren’t necessarily acting in your best interests. Know that others here on the forum can identify with that kind of pain.

It doesn’t sound to me though that you are going to get the facts you so desperately need right now. You are hurting right now, but I hope that at some point you will come to terms that you won’t get from your Mother what you need or even deserve. In my experience, moving on from that point has brought the most healing. You are going to have to forgive maybe even the unforgiveable and grant mercy, that is the only way to peace within yourself. I know you won’t be able to come to that any time soon, but with God’s grace you will eventually.

God Bless and remember Him in prayer.
 
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cmejia:
Be the bigger person and let go of the anger and resentment because anger does nothing but hurt you! Rejoice that God has given you a kinder heart.

Cindy
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Yes, I agree. In my own experience I had to realize that my anger and resentment only made me a victim twofold - once when they actually did the deed and then again when I allowed it to eat me up, and they didn’t even have a part in that. I did that to myself, so I let them victimize me all over again. Just my two cents that I hope will help the situation.
 
Cindy and Jennifer, Thank you, you made me feel a little better. Mom has what we believe Alzheimer’s now so confronting her, even if she didn’t I won’t anyway. Taking my daughter, age 27 to her pre-natal visit today brought up those old hurts again. The one I feel the worst for is my “baby” sister Cassie, also 27 who married right out of high school and had her baby 2 months later. Mom never forgave her. Cassie still to this day, 9 years later, never can understand why mom treated her so meanly. Cassie has a wonderful MIL(my best friend from HS) and myself of course, but I see the sadness in this girls eyes. So much I want to say to her about Mom’s sins but I shut my mouth out of respect for our mother.
 
It sounds like she has been living with a terrible burden of guilt which manifests itself in these outbursts. Who knows what she had to confront back in the 50s. I wouldn’t bring it up; I mean, what’s the point. It might make her feel worse that you know.

Maybe talking to her in a round about way about forgiveness never mentioning you know such as, “Mom, I’ve been reading this great book on God’s forgiveness. I’ve been carrying a terrible burden of ______________ (think of something you’ve felt guilty about for years).” Continue the conversation as forgiveness pertains to you.

P.S. Remember, I am not an expert, but I do speak from experience.
 
Sorry, I just read your post that said your mother has Alzheimer’s so talking to her in the way I described may or may not be of benefit.

Depending on the severity of her Alzheimer’s (I’ve had experience with this 2), maybe you can just remind her every time you see her that she is a good mother and a good person and that you admire her. I really believe she must be burdened with guilt & needs to find peace & know she is loved & admired.
 
Just wondering, what kind of relationship did your mother have with HER mother?
Wash she brought up the same way?
If there was a cruel episode that your mother lived with, her anger and frustration may have been placed on you and your sister.

I am sure you’ve prayed to our Heavenly Mother for guidance.
 
I have to say this, I was born an entire month premature and weighed 6 lbs. 12 oz. I think would have been a really big baby had I had time to cook for another month. I know my parents are telling the truth because I was born ten years into their marriage. But this is probably not what your dealing with.
 
I’m feeling a lot better this morning, I do love my mother, everyone has their faults. I just felt like a fool. Today is a new day and a new outlook. I just said my morning prayers and felt so much better. It was 1955-56 and things were different back then. I just felt cheated that she never could talk about it even when Cassie (my sister) became pregnant out of wedlock years later. But I’m moving on. Thanks everyone, Kay
 
Dear Kay,

You are a gift from GOD. The evil one will try anything to make you feel bad. Just forgive your mother. Tell her so, or just do it in your heart. Then let her be. She’ll come around eventually.
Do keep praying for her and yourself that you may be able to let all negativity go.

Hope this helps,
Liz_Ann :twocents:
 
You are not a fool for believing. I’m sorry for your hurting, and your sisters hurting over all this. Shame can make us do terrible things to one another.

It sounds like you will never know the true circumstances, or at least have the peace of knowing you know. But that is true of so many of us. Most people were not concieved in fairy tale circumstances. Many of us were unplanned or even mistakes.

This is, unfortunately, one of the ways in which the sins of the fathers are visited upon the generations.

We all have to grow up, move from our families of origin and make a new generation. I have found much healing through this process, but it is a painful process as well. Hugs to you and your family, may each generation grow in wisdom and forgiveness.

cheddar
 
Kay–Forgive your mother and recognize that it was her loss that she was who she was. If she were different, she probably could have enjoyed her own daughters more and had better relationships with them. I am your age, so my mother was your mother’s age and like your mother she (now deceased) had roles she played–never apologized, wouldn’t change, always the mother, never able to just accept us as adult women and enjoy us. And now it is too late for your mother and mine to change. That’s life. All we can do is accept who they are/were, and learn from their failings and shortcomings to be the best mother and mother-in-law we can be. I tend to think that they were very much products of their generation and of the behavior and expectations of their generation. So forgive her and feel sorry for her that she always had to keep her secret. Clearly, she didn’t forgive herself and that is so unhealthy.
 
Kay,

I’m not saying we don’t need to empathize with you 'cause we do, and there are some wonderful people here posting to help you feel better. What I think we’re forgetting here is your mother.

Considering what you are suspecting, for her to have been that harsh with these matters with you & your sister must mean she is guilt ridden. She needs the affirmation she may not have gotten from family & friends when she needed it. Maybe she never had anybody to listen to her when she wanted to discuss this difficult subject in her life.

Remind her over & over again that you love her & remind her of all the good things she did as a mother. You don’t have to bring the specific subject up but let her know you love her in spite of any failings she may have had. Let her know that you are the way you are because of her.

Even with Alzheimer’s some of this will be understood at times. If nothing else it is healing for you.
 
People back then did go to great lengths to cover up out of wedlock pregnancies. The “premature baby” thing was by far the biggest. I found out that my mom accidentally found out that her parents (pregnant in the 30’s) were married by a friend who was a judge, but he dated the paper several months earlier!!! They went to their parents and said they had “eloped” and kept it secret for decades! To this day I am only one of 2 or 3 people who know about it. (They are both dead)
 
Kay, Katie was out on these boards using your logon name, so I can kind of tell you two had it rough.

Without being a shrink, I can’t be sure, but your mom sounds as if she has borderline personality disorder, or BPD. All the symptoms are there, the way she treats you guys, the accusations, the way she demeans you, etc. There’s a not a lot you can do about her, esp. if she now has Alzheimer’s.

BUT…You should know whether you were born prematurely, or you believed a fallacy and were just early for your parents’ anniversary, God loves you just the way you area.

My granddaughter was 3 months “premature” and she is one of the loves of my life!!! And my mother, who is a lot like your mother (and does have BPD), was 3 months “premature” as well. It isn’t something any of you could decide for yourselves. It does not make you any less as persons.
 
So sorry that anyone would take even a minute to ponder whether or not your mom was telling the truth. She gave gave you life. God does not make mistakes. You should be thanking her, not questioning her. Relax, be a good and greatful daughter and praise God for the gift of life.

Love and peace,

Mom
 
I have to admit, the premature story sounds like a bit of a stretch given how much you weighed and how early she claims you were. But that, even years later, would not hurt me nearly as much as the other things she did, which probably sprung out of her own guilt. The sins we see most in others are our very own, after all.

You have no doubt suffered a great deal over this. Who would not? I only know of two things to do at this point:
  1. See your priest and confess any prolonged anger or unforgiveness that may reside within you as a result of this hurt (if you have not done so already).
  2. Offer up your suffering and the wrong that was done you to Our Lady for the souls in Purgatory. Don’t let it go to waste. We as Catholics are so blessed to know that our suffering is of value. It purifies us and is of great help to those who have gone before us.
I thank God that you have broken the cycle of sin by refusing to treat your daughters the way your mother treated you and her mother probably treated her. There is grace in you, and even more grace can be found to forgive her the wrongs she committed.

May grace and peace go with you.
 
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