Mom's inappropriate behavior in Church

[Stac4Grace]

Hi. I have another situation here. My mother in law started going to Mass the same time as my husband and I and our four kids. We had been sitting in the cry room so we didn’t have to keep getting up during Mass to take the kids out. Anyways, She started sitting in there with us which wouldn’t be a problem except she is always talking to us, teasing the kids and making them laugh and saying rude things about other people in the Church. It’s getting out of hand and I’m not sure how we should approach this. We do not want our kids to think that it’s o.k. to do that in the house of God. Would appreciate your suggestions. Thanks

 

[Shiann]

Start sitting in the sanctuary and refrain from taking snacks and toys.

It isn’t too early to let the little ones know the proper actions when in the pews at church. So you have to spend a few Sunday’s taking the kiddies out for a stern talking to, and then right back in the sanctuary. No hanging outside the church.

Maybe the change will rub off on MIL.

If not, your husband should pull her aside and gently tell her that if she is unable to control herself at church so your children and you will not be distracted, she is welcome to attend Mass by herself.

You aren’t obligated to sit next to relatives in Mass.

You are in charge of your kid’s behavior. Not hers.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

Wow–that is a tricky situation.
I like Shiann’s ideas. I would also suggest that maybe you ask your MIL (outside Mass) to explore the faith with you and your husband. Start going through the Catechism together, start (there are inexpensive pamphlets available through churches and on-line) with Children’s Guides to the Mass etc. You and your hubby spend a lot of the time commenting on how you want your children to understand how special the Mass is and how to and NOT to: (start listing behaviors like talking, making comments, distracting etc. and ask her for her opinion. Either she’ll realize that she is guilty of some of the above and start modifying her behavior, or she won’t even recognize that her behavior is problematic. If the latter, then you can start with the old “praise” technique, telling your children things (right before Mass) like, “Now I want you to sit quietly like Grandma is sitting”, or “Do you think Grandma talked in church when she was your age”–challenging Granny to be on her best behavior.

And don’t forget asking Grandma to be included in things like Family Rosary, special Catholic traditional feasts, etc. If she has an outlet for her “high spirits” she might be less likely to sound off in church. And if she’s making rude comments about people you know, be sure to talk to them after church on a regular basis and even try to get Granny involved in parish activities with them so that she “walks a mile in their shoes” and learns to be less judgmental.

As for yourself, prayer will work wonders. When all else fails and you’re ready to strangle her with the nearest rosary beads, remember, anyone who produced the father of your children has to have some good in her SOMEWHERE. . .

 

[dhgray]

I like Shiann’s ideas too. But just be glad that she has started going to church…baby steps (no pun inteneded).

 

[Stac4Grace]

I’m sorry if anybody misunderstood my previous post, but my MIL has always gone to church, she actually works at he church. She just recently started going at the same time we do. So she of all people should know how to act while in Church. She is one of those Parents that no matter how you word things she always turns it around to make us look like we are in the wrong. She only likes to be grandma at church and that when she makes a big show of herself. Outside of Church she is always busy going out with her friends, or doing this or that. Never has time for our kids until we get to Church and the show starts again. We just want whats best for our kids and we do not want them to take behavior lessons from her. Again sorry for the mix-up. God Bless!

 

[dhgray]

Sorry if I miss understood…so let’s try again.

If MIL is going to stay in hte “Crying Room” then you and DH could take that time to be in the Church proper. Be glad you MIL is involved in your lives and in the lives of your children. My MIL lives outside of the country and my mother lives 8 hours away. My children never get to see their grand-parents
As for me, my parents married late and I never knew my grand-parents.

Again, “Just be glad the kids are getting to know her.”

 

[Shiann]

I think all of the advice still applies- wether your MIL knows better or not.

The point is to remember that you are in charge of your kid’s behavior- not hers. Your husband should be the one to draw a line in the sand with her if her behavior somehow interrupts the parenting of your kids.

If it is that distracting, attend church at a different time, or somewhere else.

If none of those options are available or seem worth the trouble, I’m not sure what else you can do (besides prayer, etc.) and still stay out of the confessional .

Sometimes I make an example of bad behavior to my child. I will point out bad behavior in children her age when we are in a restaraunt or movie theater, or church and talk about good vs. bad behavior in that situation. Kids can get very good at pointing out bad behavior, even in adults. Maybe a little uncoaxed “SHHHHH Gramma, We’re in CHURCH.” from one of your little ones, would be all that was needed.

I want to point out again that I am not suggesting that you plant seed directly with your children regarding the bad behavior of their gramma. Just spend some time with them noting bad behavior in A LOT of different situations. When they know their limits in various situations, they can pass on that knowledge in their baby way!

There’s nothing that made me more sorry than when I let a curse slip when I didn’t know my daughter was around…

Her eyes were wide and her gasp was loud. That was a great deterant for any future curses.

 

[Stac4Grace]

Yes, ther are some good suggestions here but we do not allow my MIL to take care of our kids because of a previous incident and from the way she acts during church while we are around can you imagine what she would be teaching them when we are not. So there is no way we would let them in there with her by herself! I think maybe this is a little deeper than what I can get into on the forums but my MIL talks down to my husband and makes him feel inferior, and always refers to herself as having more money than we do, saying if he does not do this or that, that she is going to take him out of her will. Not that we do not love her but we are tired of being put down and having our kids used as show toys when we are around her friends. She hardly pays attention to them when she comes to visit because she doesn’t have anybody to impress. Our kids do have my parents in their lives also, so it’s not like they don’t have any. We just want things to get better with MIL and I don’t know if she is willing to help on her end. I would appreciate your prayers on our journey to turn things around. Thank You!

 

[legeorge]

Hi Stacey. I really feel for you. It really looks like you are stuck. If you try to avoid her by going to a different mass, she will definately try to lay a huge guilt trip on you. She doesn’t sound like someone you can have a grown up conversation with about sensitive issues. I hate to say it, but prayer looks like your only recourse. Hopefully, if you keep impressing on your kids the correct behavior in Mass, they will impress it on your MIL. I really wish I had some more helpful advice. I will keep your situation in my prayers as well. God Bless

 

[Giannawannabe]

Stacy,

I think you had another situation before with your MIL. If I’m right, I think that I replied that you could’ve been talking about my mother. I recommended **Children of the Self-Absorbed **by Nina W. Brown. You have to set boundaries with this woman. Don’t be uncharitable, of course. However, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to choose a different Mass to go to. Or possibly, sit in Mass with older kids and let MIL and husband sit with youngest (who may not recognize MIL bad behavior). Better yet, have MIL sit in main congregation with husband and you sit with littlest child in cry room. Tell her that the kids are misbehaving too much because “they’re excited to see Gma” and that something different needs to happen. Get hubby to back you up and be firm. Ignore her guilt trips and such. Over time, she’ll know you mean business. She may talk about you to others, but it’s more important for your children to learn to behave at Mass. We also have ceased having my mother baby sit kids due to her behaviors. I have set boundaries on visits and phone calls and life is much better for us. My mother now has a boyfriend and we have to meet him at Easter. I know that she will act like the loving Gma type in front of him. It’s okay though. With the boundaries set, things like this are much easier to handle.
I totally empathize with your situation and you’re in my prayers Stacy.

God Bless Giannawannabe

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[Stac4Grace]

legeorge:

Hi Stacey. I really feel for you. It really looks like you are stuck. If you try to avoid her by going to a different mass, she will definately try to lay a huge guilt trip on you. She doesn’t sound like someone you can have a grown up conversation with about sensitive issues. I hate to say it, but prayer looks like your only recourse. Hopefully, if you keep impressing on your kids the correct behavior in Mass, they will impress it on your MIL. I really wish I had some more helpful advice. I will keep your situation in my prayers as well. God Bless

This is not at all what I thought it would be like with my MIL. Your prayers will be much appreciated. Thank you!!

 

[Stac4Grace]

Giannawannabe:

Stacy,

I think you had another situation before with your MIL. If I’m right, I think that I replied that you could’ve been talking about my mother. I recommended **Children of the Self-Absorbed **by Nina W. Brown. You have to set boundaries with this woman. Don’t be uncharitable, of course. However, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to choose a different Mass to go to. Or possibly, sit in Mass with older kids and let MIL and husband sit with youngest (who may not recognize MIL bad behavior).

Better yet, have MIL sit in main congregation with husband and you sit with littlest child in cry

room. Tell her that the kids are misbehaving too much because “they’re excited to see Gma” and that something different needs to happen. Get hubby to back you up and be firm. Ignore her guilt trips and such. Over time, she’ll know you mean business. She may talk about you to others, but it’s more important for your children to learn to behave at Mass. We also have ceased having my mother baby sit kids due to her behaviors. I have set boundaries on visits and phone calls and life is much better for us. My mother now has a boyfriend and we have to meet him at Easter. I know that she will act like the loving Gma type in front of him. It’s okay though. With the boundaries set, things like this are much easier to handle.
I totally empathize with your situation and you’re in my prayers Stacy.

God Bless Giannawannabe

My MIL would love it if I sat in the cry room with the kids and she sat with my husband. She really would think she had control of him then. That is one of the biggest issues with her is trying to control my husband. I am going to check out that book right away. Thanks alot and God Bless you!

 

[movingmom]

I feel for you Stacy, trying to keep everyone happy. It seems like it’s always mom’s job to keep everyone happy. While it is nice that your MIL wants to go to church with you, I understand the “parading” around grankids routine. My mother does the same thing, though in different situations. She doesn’t spend anytime with them unless they are in their Sunday best and her friends are around to see them with her, etc. I also understand that there are some underlying things going on as well, as far as your MIL trying to control your H. My sister has this with her MIL. She has taken the approach of you either like me or hate me, but I’m running this family. I know it is hard and you don’t want to allienate her (or your hubby), but it sounds like you need to be a little hard on her. Tell your kids in front of her that you expect peace and quiet in Mass and if they object saying it’s Grandma’s doing, tell her straight out that you are trying to make them good little church goers and you would appreciate her support. If she gets mad, so what? I have a feeling she will be back. I am a non confrontational person myself, and it kills me to point out other’s wrong doings, but if something is really eating at me, I do say something. Granted I say it as diplomatically as possible, but I do say it. You need to do this for your family! I will pray for you!!!