Mormon Friend Breaking Plans... again

[PattyPryor]

So A while back my Mormon friend broke plans to go with me somewhere because she wanted to go to the temple that day. I forgave her but was very very hurt. She canceled last minute and told me she prayed about it and shouldn’t go with me.

Anyway this next weekend I was going to go to Minn. to meet my favorite author Meg Cabot. She was planning on going with me and then started changing the time to leave at night because she wanted to go to a Mormon party. I wanted to leave at 10 a.m. she wanted to leave at 7 p.m. it takes a long time to get to Minn from where I live in WI.

Anyway to make matters worse she said now she HAS TO go to a prioneer day on saturday and anyway she just keeps breaking plans with me. I have the hotel set etc.
I was once a Mormon but I have NEVEr been so hurt and felt like my friend was in a cult more so than today…

 

[RebeccaJ]

That’s a bummer. Are you going anyway?

 

[Della]

It sounds to me like she’s trying to disassociate herself from you. That is up to her. You’ve been understanding and tried to include her in your plans, but she apparently isn’t interested. So, move on and find yourself some more reliable friends.

 

[ricko]

it sounds to me like she’s trying to disassociate herself from you. That is up to her. You’ve been understanding and tried to include her in your plans, but she apparently isn’t interested. So, move on and find yourself some more reliable friends.

ditto !

 

[mark_a]

So A while back my Mormon friend broke plans to go with me somewhere because she wanted to go to the temple that day. I forgave her but was very very hurt. She canceled last minute and told me she prayed about it and shouldn’t go with me.

Anyway this next weekend I was going to go to Minn. to meet my favorite author Meg Cabot. She was planning on going with me and then started changing the time to leave at night because she wanted to go to a Mormon party. I wanted to leave at 10 a.m. she wanted to leave at 7 p.m. it takes a long time to get to Minn from where I live in WI.

Anyway to make matters worse she said now she HAS TO go to a prioneer day on saturday and anyway she just keeps breaking plans with me. I have the hotel set etc.
I was once a Mormon but I have NEVEr been so hurt and felt like my friend was in a cult more so than today…

Sounds like your friend is a boob. Ditch her.

 

[4everjustjesus]

yea, it does seem that she just doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore. That may be her own descision or her other friends may have persuaded her. Maybe God just doesn’t want you to be with this person at this point in your life. Whatever it is, just pray and ask the Lord for guidance…you’ll know what to do.

God will Bless you,
4everjustjesus

 

[StrawberryJam]

So A while back my Mormon friend broke plans to go with me somewhere because she wanted to go to the temple that day. I forgave her but was very very hurt. She canceled last minute and told me she prayed about it and shouldn’t go with me.

Anyway this next weekend I was going to go to Minn. to meet my favorite author Meg Cabot. She was planning on going with me and then started changing the time to leave at night because she wanted to go to a Mormon party. I wanted to leave at 10 a.m. she wanted to leave at 7 p.m. it takes a long time to get to Minn from where I live in WI.

Anyway to make matters worse she said now she HAS TO go to a prioneer day on saturday and anyway she just keeps breaking plans with me. I have the hotel set etc.
I was once a Mormon but I have NEVEr been so hurt and felt like my friend was in a cult more so than today…

I do not agree with any of the other poster’s comments here.

But, I am not a believer.

I think if you are truly a real friend, you would honor and respect her for standing up for her religious beliefs even if you do not share them yourself.

I personally think you do not respect her, and if you really did respect her you must take her as a WHOLE person, faith and all or lack of. Or do not keep saying you are a “friend”

 

[PattyPryor]

Excuse me but I am a very good friend. I have continued to love and support her even though I left the Mormon church. I continue to be her friend even though she continues to break plans with me.

You do not know our whole relationship so I would suggest you don’t assume I am a bad friend. It is rude and unnessary. Thank you

 

[StrawberryJam]

Excuse me but I am a very good friend. I have continued to love and support her even though I left the Mormon church. I continue to be her friend even though she continues to break plans with me.

You do not know our whole relationship so I would suggest you don’t assume I am a bad friend. It is rude and unnessary. Thank you

You are welcome.

I did not claim you were a “bad friend”.

I am asking you to examine your conscience. Is your friend putting God above you? Well, only she would know that, I guess. And, only you know if you are being a friend. I don’t know your relationship you are correct.

But, why be so hard on me for not knowing it?

I am not all knowing.

 

[dianaiad]

So A while back my Mormon friend broke plans to go with me somewhere because she wanted to go to the temple that day. I forgave her but was very very hurt. She canceled last minute and told me she prayed about it and shouldn’t go with me.

Anyway this next weekend I was going to go to Minn. to meet my favorite author Meg Cabot. She was planning on going with me and then started changing the time to leave at night because she wanted to go to a Mormon party. I wanted to leave at 10 a.m. she wanted to leave at 7 p.m. it takes a long time to get to Minn from where I live in WI.

Anyway to make matters worse she said now she HAS TO go to a prioneer day on saturday and anyway she just keeps breaking plans with me. I have the hotel set etc.
I was once a Mormon but I have NEVEr been so hurt and felt like my friend was in a cult more so than today…

Question: did you know about the Temple day before you made those plans? Is it a standard ward or stake Temple appointment? (you used to be a Mormon, so you would know about those.)

This “Mormon Party.” What was it? Did you know about it before you made plans to go see your favorite author?

As to pioneer day…Sweetie, Pioneer day is a church holiday. Sort of. Every ward and stake celebrates it; it is the anniversary of the date the pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley. There are celebrations, re-enactments, and EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT DATE IT IS. As a former Mormon, you know it too. Now me, I avoid it like the plague, but anybody with a church calling working with the youth or children HAS to be there; it is, after all, mostly a children’s holiday. Campouts. costumes. roasted marshmallows. Parades where little red wagons are disguised as Conastogas. Cardboard oxen and kids in pioneer dress. (shudder.)

OK, so the question here is, who is attempting to derail whom, here? Did you deliberately make plans on a Temple day in the hope that your friend would choose you over her church?

Or, did that opportunity to go to the Temple come up suddenly (and if your friend hasn’t had her endowments yet, those opportunities don’t come very often…once a year if that.)

Did you deliberately make plans to go somewhere on Pioneer Day in the hope that she would choose you over her church job? (Is she a Primary teacher, for instance–so that she really does HAVE to be there?)

Now frankly, I’m asking these questions for you to seriously think about. It COULD be that she is feeling a little pressured by you to choose; the church or you. Don’t do that. She is not asking that of you, after all. At least, I didn’t get that from your post.

It could be that you are correct; she’s making excuses to you, and using church responsibilities to do so. If she truly is concocting these church responsibilities at last minute in order to avoid going places with you, you might think very hard about reassessing your friendship with her. She may well be attempting to disassociate herself from you, and do it in what she thinks is a ‘kindly’ way. I wouldn’t do it that way, but some people don’t like confrontation. Perhaps she is trying to get you to join her in some of the things that are important to her, and used to be important to you.

Perhaps not. I’m just throwing out things to think about, that’s all.

 

[North_of_Nod]

Maybe you could talk to your friend about this and explain how you feel. I’m not sure if this will accomplish much, but it would at least let her know that you are hurt. If it continues, I would assume that she is purposely distancing herself from you - for whatever reason. It doesn’t seem like she is being a true friend by repeatedly canceling on you. It sounds like you are doing your best to accommodate her plans, but the fact that she consistently backs out tells me that she’s not sorry.

 

[StrawberryJam]

"Perhaps she is trying to get you to join her in some of the things that are important to her, and used to be important to you. "

Isn’t that a passive agressive way to go about it? Granted, you said you would not go about it this way., but it does beg the question.

 

[PattyPryor]

Question: did you know about the Temple day before you made those plans? Is it a standard ward or stake Temple appointment? (you used to be a Mormon, so you would know about those.)

This “Mormon Party.” What was it? Did you know about it before you made plans to go see your favorite author?

As to pioneer day…Sweetie, Pioneer day is a church holiday. Sort of. Every ward and stake celebrates it; it is the anniversary of the date the pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley. There are celebrations, re-enactments, and EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT DATE IT IS. As a former Mormon, you know it too. Now me, I avoid it like the plague, but anybody with a church calling working with the youth or children HAS to be there; it is, after all, mostly a children’s holiday. Campouts. costumes. roasted marshmallows. Parades where little red wagons are disguised as Conastogas. Cardboard oxen and kids in pioneer dress. (shudder.)

OK, so the question here is, who is attempting to derail whom, here? Did you deliberately make plans on a Temple day in the hope that your friend would choose you over her church?

Or, did that opportunity to go to the Temple come up suddenly (and if your friend hasn’t had her endowments yet, those opportunities don’t come very often…once a year if that.)

Did you deliberately make plans to go somewhere on Pioneer Day in the hope that she would choose you over her church job? (Is she a Primary teacher, for instance–so that she really does HAVE to be there?)

Now frankly, I’m asking these questions for you to seriously think about. It COULD be that she is feeling a little pressured by you to choose; the church or you. Don’t do that. She is not asking that of you, after all. At least, I didn’t get that from your post.

It could be that you are correct; she’s making excuses to you, and using church responsibilities to do so. If she truly is concocting these church responsibilities at last minute in order to avoid going places with you, you might think very hard about reassessing your friendship with her. She may well be attempting to disassociate herself from you, and do it in what she thinks is a ‘kindly’ way. I wouldn’t do it that way, but some people don’t like confrontation. Perhaps she is trying to get you to join her in some of the things that are important to her, and used to be important to you.

Perhaps not. I’m just throwing out things to think about, that’s all.

I NEVER pressure her to go to anything. She says yes plans are made then suddenly she has a church gathering. She has never invited me to do anything church related with her. She knows well in advance of the things we are going to go and stuff just 'comes up’that she ‘forgot’ about. You wouldn’t get it anyway your in the church.

 

[dianaiad]

"Perhaps she is trying to get you to join her in some of the things that are important to her, and used to be important to you. "

Isn’t that a passive agressive way to go about it? Granted, you said you would not go about it this way., but it does beg the question.

It would be a passive/aggressive way to go about it, whatever her motive–if Patty is telling us the whole story. She isn’t, of course. Oh, I’m not saying that she is deliberately trying to deceive or anything: it’s pretty obvious that she isn’t. However, she’s in the middle of the situation, and can only present her half. There is NO way she could be objective about presenting the situation, as hard as she might try. It’s not a fault–it is simply how we work, we people types.

However, all we have to go by is what Patty said. I’m just raising some issues for her to think about to herself, not projecting answers. She’s the only one who could answer them. If she really believes that her friend is attempting to distance herself using her church commitments as an excuse, she needs to consider where that friendship is going.

I didn’t do that with my friend, who also left the church, but then in my case my friend really was attempting to make me choose between her and my faith. She didn’t even realize that she was doing that; she would come up with really fun things to do for, oh, General Conference weekend, for instance, or with last minute weekend outings for Sundays that she knew I had a lesson to teach, or was speaking in Sacrament meeting. She also made plans for us over Pioneer Day (and frankly, that was a low blow–I would MUCH rather have gone with her than baby sat 30 12 year olds on a 108 degree Saturday). She also became upset when I told her that I couldn’t go with her. What I did was list the times she invited me to go somewhere, and combined them with my church commitments–commitments that she was quite aware of before she made the plans. She didn’t realize what she was doing, and we worked it out. We are still good friends, but she is no longer making me choose between her and my faith–and the next time she invites me to the beach on Pioneer Day, I’m…going to the beach!!

However, that’s me and MY friend, it’s not Patty’s friend, or Patty. People are very different, and Patty’s friend may well be very uncomfortable with what she might see as Patty’s incredibly tragic choice to leave her faith and join another–and choosing a less than honorable way of dissociating herself. I’m sorry, Patty; following your own path can lead to some very painful consequences; there is a reason it takes courage to do so.

 

[Della]

I NEVER pressure her to go to anything. She says yes plans are made then suddenly she has a church gathering. She has never invited me to do anything church related with her. She knows well in advance of the things we are going to go and stuff just 'comes up’that she ‘forgot’ about. You wouldn’t get it anyway your in the church.

With all due respect to StrawberryJam and dianaiad, I don’t think they quite understand the situation here. As someone who also left one group of believers for another, and was shunned for it, and whose friends suddenly couldn’t do things with me any more, even though I never interfered with any of their religious activities, I know exactly where you are coming from Patty. It hurts to be treated like that, I know.

What is happening here, as I see it being from a similar background as Patty, is that the friend is afraid that associating with her old friend will either 1) draw her out of her faith group (which is something she ardently doesn’t want to do–even if it’s an unreasonable assumption on her part), or 2) she is simply no longer interested in being Patty’s friend because she is like many young girls who treat old friends like pariah when they are no longer interested in being a friend. It’s a childish way to behave, but it happens all the time among young people–something else I experienced as a young gal, and saw happen all the time.

So, having said all that, my advise stands. Just let your friend go her own way, Patty. If she wants to renew her relationship with you she knows how to contact you. Maybe, if it’s just that she’s afraid of your new found faith, if she sees you aren’t pursuing her she’ll understand you have no intentions of proselytizing her away from her faith and will want to renew her old ties with you.

 

[dianaiad]

I NEVER pressure her to go to anything. She says yes plans are made then suddenly she has a church gathering. She has never invited me to do anything church related with her. She knows well in advance of the things we are going to go and stuff just 'comes up’that she ‘forgot’ about. You wouldn’t get it anyway your in the church.

Ah.

Patty, that’s bitterness talking. Don’t dismiss every single Mormon because you are not happy with the ones you know, and are upset with your friend. If you have read what I have written, you know that I do indeed ‘get’ it.

If the situation is as you describe it, then she is not behaving honorably with you, or else she is taking you very much for granted. If it is the former, and she is trying to dissociate with you, you need to confront her and reassess the friendship. She isn’t being a good friend.

If she is simply taking you for granted, putting you in the 'oh, well, I can take Patty off the shelf whenever I’m not busy with other stuff, good old Patty is always there…" then you need to confront her and make her see what she’s doing–and acknowledge it.

the reason I asked you the questions I did is because I had a similar sort of experience—with me on your friend’s side. You can read about it in my previous post. If you have answered them for yourself, and know that there isn’t any aspect of 'choose, me or the church" in your own actions, then you are ready to deal with your friend, and you need to deal with her. She’s either pushing you away or being self centered, and neither option is a good quality in a ‘friend.’

You left the church. It had to have been a difficult decision–a huge change in your life, beliefs and culture. It was hard on you, no matter what prompted your decision. It was ALSO hard on your friends. If they aren’t handling it well, again, that’s part of why it takes courage to follow your own path.