(Yes, I know I don’t have kids.
http://forum.catholic.com/images/smilies/smile.gif But I am a behavioral therapist, so maybe that counts for a teeny-tiny something.
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First, sometimes kids “shut off” their listening ability when the same old mantra is thrown at them day after day, about activities they don’t want to do. They go into sort of a “do not compute” mode. They are fully aware that they need to make their bed, brush teeth, get dressed and eat breakfast. But it’s not fun. There is little motivation. They are “only” going to school, after all, and maybe school is not very challenging or it is worrisome for them. (IS there a problem at school, by chance? To make him not want to go? Academic or social struggles, as well as teacher conflict, can be VERY stressful on any little guy.)
Have you considered using a token system with him? Every child has a currency. Each chore in the morning could be worth a “star” sticker, and a certain number of stars could be “cashed in” every evening for a privilege (or several privileges, depending on how you want to do it and what you want to equate as a privilege). He could earn additional stars in the afternoon and early evening for a good school report (if the teacher writes a daily note home, for instance), finishing homework in a timely manner before playing, helping with a family chore and getting along with siblings. I would shake it up and make anything fair game to be “star-worthy” behavior–but the focus needs to be on problematic issues (such as his morning routine).
Stars can be earned, but depending on the child’s needs, they can also be taken away. Maybe he brushes his teeth well, but instead of just forgetting to not make his bed–he refuses to make his bed. However, you don’t want to create a situation where he is constantly failing–most of the time it is best to start out with him only being able to EARN stars.
Some kids cash their stars in for dollars, some for TV watching and computer use, others for a popscicle or some other special treat. I don’t know what interests your son.
http://forum.catholic.com/images/smilies/smile.gif It could be that he has to earn five stars before he can play with his Pokeman cards…or whatever. Usually there can be a sliding scale. Eight stars=his biggest reward, six stars=medium reward, four stars=something small, as he needs to remember that unless he completes his chores and doesn’t give mom a hard time, he won’t be getting his rewards for good behavior.
Each day is a new slate, and each day he starts out with zero stars. It’s also good to start the day off with as much positive talking as possible. Wake him up and give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him how much you love him and are so happy he’s your little boy. (He may be surprised to hear such adoration first thing in the morning, but he’ll get used to it.
http://forum.catholic.com/images/smilies/wink.gif) Plus, children really do aim to please. He WANTS to make you happy. You can compliment him on how well he listens, how helpful he is, etc. Be sure to heap praise upon him in the afternoons, too, for all the good things you notice–even if it is as simple as–“hey, thanks for remembering to drink your water in the kitchen and not the living room.” The more he feels that he pleases you, the more he will want to please you.
You could also get a timer to help with the star system. Tell him your instruction one time, then twist the timer for a reasonable amount and say, “When the timer goes off, I want you to be finished brushing your teeth,” then leave the room. You may have to wear the timer on you if you feel like he will mess around with it, but sometimes it is helpful for children to have a visual of the time that is elapsing and the structure to complete a task. When the timer goes off–don’t go far enough so he can’t hear it–come in and check. Heap praise upon him for completing the chore–if he doesn’t, ignore it and tell him he hasn’t earned a star. After he’s used to the system, he should only have one chance. (If he doesn’t brush his teeth for one morning, it won’t kill him–and he might get the social consequence of his friends saying–“ew! brush your teeth, man!”)
Another option is to let him reap the rewards of natural consequences. Tell him once, then expect him to do it himself. Leave the room and do not beg. Maybe he has to go to school in his pajamas, or he has to walk into the school office and explain to the principal that he’s late because he didn’t listen to Mom and get up on time. (Obviously a phone call to the principal beforehand might help that one.
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Thanks Shoshana and KGalvan. KGalvan, I love the chocolate bar, advil thing with your daughters—I’ll keep that in mind for my 11-year-old (soon, I fear).
!!! I implemented a little chart–posted on his wall. I’m using a star system. Being an organized guy, he loves it. Number one on the list is saying his morning offering. Just FYI, my son is an excellent all A student who LOVES school. He LOVES his teacher and has tons of friends. He hates being late or not getting his homework done. He’s the type of kid who does his homework without being asked!!! He is, however, getting a tad bit mouthy and disrespectful and in the morning, he’s the worst.
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