Mother calling?

[DonQuichote1235]

Hi all,

I’ve been writing about the relationship with my mother before, but in short it is very difficult. I’m with a psychological therapeut to help me with my mother. One of the conclusions is that I shouldn’t have too much contact with her and vice versa.

The thing is, is that my mother desperately wants a lot of contact with me, but it is of no good for us both (also my parish priest thinks this). We have an agreement that I will come to see her once every two months. So far it has been good with minimal contact between the visits (think of whatsapp, email).

Lately, she starts calling and apping me more frequently. I don’t like that and for us both we shouldn’t have a lot more contact than once every two months. What would you advice me to do? If she calls should I just not answer? Even for days? Maybe never answer? Or answer immediately?

I know she finds it very strange if I don’t respond to her immediately because she knows I see her calls and whatsapp messages almost instantly. Sometimes she will be angry at me and ask me why I took so long to respond to her. I also do not want to be rude or insulting towards her with a certain behaviour.

So what should I do? It is also difficult to explain to her that our contact should be minimal. She wouldn’t really understand it and want it. Thanks!

Greeting Don

 

[Nanny_PK]

I would not answer. Y’all have the agreement of contact every other month. I would be very clear about your boundaries and enforce them. I’m assuming she knows what those boundaries are, if not I would set them out in an e-mail so there is no question as to what those are.

As long as you’re polite and cordial, you are doing what’s best for the both of you. Maybe over time things can get more frequent, but that also depends on her honoring your boundaries.

 

[DonQuichote1235]

No the agreement is that I come by once every two months. I live in a different city two hours from her. We never made an agreement on communication between the two months. Sometimes she needs to contact me asking at what hour I will come by. And the appointment needs to be rescheduled etc…

 

[Lou2U]

Keep up the boundaries you have set. At the end of each meeting, establish a time you will come next time. If you do need to rearrange, just send her a message saying what time you would be able to come. Don’t go into details, just simple facts.

If she calls, do not answer. If she is angry when you meet, just remind her of the agreement between the two of you. Don’t get drawn in to it. If the difficulty with whatsapp is her being able to tell you’ve read it, consider just texting instead.

I would advise you speak to your therapist about how to go about establishing boundaries for the two months in between visits.

 

[Roguish]

If you have good reasons to keep a family member (or anyone) at some distance, and to carefully manage how often you communicate with them, I would recommend taking them off your regular What’sApp, Facebook, etc. accounts, and create one specific account or email that you use only to communicate with them. If you’re not ready to talk to them, just don’t log on to that special account. They will see that you haven’t read their messages yet.

Same principle for your phone number, though it’s more hassle. Or if you don’t want to get a new number (and a phone) just for your mom, just block her on your old number and tell her to only contact you through What’sApp, Facebook or whatever you use, on that new account that you created to communicate only with them.

The point is, you have to somehow control whether you even see their messages or not, otherwise they’ll always have a way of making you feel bad.

 

[DonQuichote1235]

Yes, but she can still ask me if I read her messages and saw her phonecalls. Why I didnt respond at all or after Some days. I cant lie so she will know one way or the other…

 

[Lou2U]

Speak with your therapist about how to tell your mother about the boundaries you wish to create. At some point, she has to know you wish to reduce contact.

 

[Roguish]

Yes, but she can still ask me if I read her messages and saw her phonecalls. Why I didnt respond at all or after Some days. I cant lie so she will know one way or the other…

There’s no need to lie. You tell her: I didn’t check my messages. That will be the truth if you have the discipline not to check that special account (or phonenumber) that you set up for your communications with her.

Of course she will follow up with asking “Why? Why don’t you check your messages?” And your answer will have to be something like: because I only check them once a week/month – whatever time frame you wish to keep. You can’t 100% avoid making it clear to her that you are limiting your interaction with her. You’ll have to bite that bullet at least a little bit.

(I know it’s tough, especially when it’s your mom. I’ve been there.)