Mother-in-law drama

[CatholicWife1]

So, my husband and I have been married for a couple years now. We live close enough to his divorced mother that she expects us to always be at her beck and call. Most worrisome are her expectations for me.

Fist, she has made comments to my husband on birthday cards in the past that no one can steal him away from her.

Second, she does not approve of me because I am unemployed, despite me being a full-time student. I am close to graduating and my husband and I have agreed that for now, this works best for us. I plan on taking the lead with earning income after I graduate and get a job so that my husband will then be able to further his education. This works for us, and we aren’t complaining.

But, my MIL has continually pressured me to get a job. I can’t go out with her without her pointing out every place that is hiring. Both my husband and I have explained to her why I am focusing on my studies, but she doesn’t stop.

Also, when I have gone out with her, she is dismissive and rude to me. She is lonely, so she talks endlessly about herself, but when I say something about my life she says nothing in reply and leaves me hanging.

Also, this is random, but her best friend who she tells everything to made a really odd comment to me at my wedding about looking great for not wearing makeup despite the fact I was
obviously wearing makeup. It seemed passive aggressive to me, but maybe I’m just imagining it?

After feeling the tension for so long and after making an effort to just deal with it, I finally gave up. I decided I wasn’t going to go out with her on my own because I feel so depressed and drained afterward. Now, several months later, and after declining several invites, she recently mocked me with a taunting voice in front of me and my husband when we visited her. My husband didn’t say anything, though he did say later he knew she was being mean.

My Husband and I later had an argument over it, and now, my husband says he isn’t going to do anything with her anymore instead of confronting her about how she treats me. I just don’t know how to help my husband see that he becomes a little boy when he is with his mom. The only way he sees a solution is to cut her off without an explanation. But, if he does that I suspect his mom will start thinking that I am feeding him my own agenda to exclude her from our lives, which is completely false. Honestly, I really want a good relationship with her, but at this rate its not going to happen.

What should I say to my husband about this situation? I’m so lost as to how to handle it. It always turns into an argument which in turn gets pinned on me. Help!

 

[KCmedtech]

He is married to you…not her.

His priority is you…not her.

If she is rude and toxic to you…why subject yourself to it?

It’s his mom and his call. He should be telling his mother that you are his wife and deserve respect.

Does he realize how he acts when he is around his mother? If you are newly married it may take time for him to understand this…as your married relationship is a new dynamic.

 

[Bill_johnson]

I’d obviously begin by praying for her, it seems like you’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but just can’t take it anymore. Prayer for her each day and try to spend more time with her, ask her why she feels the need to treat you like she does despite your best efforts to have a good relationship with. Be Christ toward her and try to see Christ in her. Your husband should know that he has made a promise before God and His Church to you not to her. Remind him of that.

 

[Norseman82]

My Husband and I later had an argument over it, and now, my husband says he isn’t going to do anything with her anymore instead of confronting her about how she treats me. I just don’t know how to help my husband see that he becomes a little boy when he is with his mom. The only way he sees a solution is to cut her off without an explanation.

In some ways, that actually is standing up for you. It’s possible that she bullied him (and maybe other family members as well, including her ex-husband). Does he have any other siblings, and are they and their spouses/children treated similarly?

What he would have to do is follow through if she confronts him. He would need to say “I don’t like the way you treat my wife, that’s why I don’t want anything to do with you”. I know if I were in your husband’s shoes, I would have the following stinging response in the back of my head if I saw that I needed to “pull out the big guns” and “go nuclear”: “No wonder dad divorced you”.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Be Christ toward her and try to see Christ in her.

This.

Comment about not wearing makeup at your wedding? Many brides go for a “natural” makeup on their wedding day, maybe she is a full glam lady. I’d have simply diffused that comment with humor “Oh, you would not want to see me without makeup!” and laugh.

We advise our friends not to marry a spouse expecting them to change, same goes for the inlaws. They are going to be the same people they were before you married, best advice is to get to know the potential inlaws well before the wedding.

MILs feuding with DILs or SILs is so common as to be a stereotype in our world for many past decades.

 

[CatholicWife1]

Isn’t this asking for war? I don’t see it as my place to correct her since I am not her daughter. As it is, everything I say is dismissed or ignored.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Your gut is right. You be a calm, kind Christian. If there need to be “corrections” to the relationship, that is for your husband to do.

 

[Norseman82]

Isn’t this asking for war?

That’s like saying the United States was asking for war because the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.

YOU were the one who was attacked by HER. So yes, IT IS YOUR PLACE to correct her. It is a form of self-defense.

 

[Allegra]

I would not obligate myself to spend time with anyone I didn’t think I could tell off if they were being rude, but that’s just me. No one has to take abuse and toxicity. If someone expects the honor of my presence, they will treat me respectfully. I don’t know how one goes about declining someone’s invites indefinitely without at least telling them why.

 

[tafan2]

I hope you don’t tell your husband is being a little boy.

 

[Legend]

You are a human being. You have plans for your life. You and your husband have made some decisions together. You owe nothing to your MIL, concerning, explaining, justifying, or changing these plans.

Your MIL is not happy with some of your choices. So what? If she makes you uncomfortable by criticizing, putting herself first, making passive-aggressive moves, simply stop spending time with her…

You have explained your plans, and stated what you are and are not comfortable with. If she makes you uncomfortable, remove yourself from her vicinity. She starts to speak of available jobs for you? Say you aren’t interested. If she persists, leave! If it happens in the middle of a phone conversation, warn her once, and, if she persists, hang up!

Let your husband deal with his mother in his own way. That way, you can honestly say, when she, or anyone else asks, that you have nothing to do with how he deals with his mom! Just stick to your guns, and she will soon find out that her games don’t work on you. It’s good that your husband has made up his own mind not to let himself be drawn in.

I know, it’s not easy. But, you are a human being, and have a right to live your life as you please. Only your husband should have a say in when and where you will work, and you’ve already decided, together. Giving in to her just for a reduction in noise level is not worth it. Be kind, but firm, with MIL!

God Bless!

 

[Katie777]

You can thank her for her feedback, and say just that… I would not defend your life to her, you don’t need her approval.

I would focus on your own happiness with your husband and not let her come between you, by feeding her drama.

 

[DarkLight]

You can thank her for her feedback, and say just that… I would not defend your life to her, you don’t need her approval.

Repeatedly, if necessary.

“Thanks for your opinion!” gets the point across after a while.

 

[CatholicWife1]

your husband may want to change! He may indeed want to cut off his mother plus stand up to her verbally! He’s telling you he can’t right now. Please support him. You know what it’s like. Please don’t cut him down. He’s already been cut down by a woman his whole life. Build him up, tell him you’re proud! Tell him you love him and you’ll get through this together. It wasn’t that long ago you were catering to your parents over your own wedding. He wants to be your hero and stand up to his mom, he’s probably ashamed. He’ll stand up to her eventually, with confidence that you can help him with!

Thank you for your prayers. I may have come off a bit exasperated in my original post. I am sorry if that was the case, but I want to emphasize that I do encourage my husband and support him.

I also think that the fact this has been going on for a while without being dealt with is an issue. I do not believe it is my place to scold his mom. I think that is completely inappropriate. I will leave it up to him how to handle the situation. But I just cant see how his mom will ever respect me if he doesn’t defend me against her, especially when she is insulting me right in front of him. In the mean time I will stay away from her.

Also, I know you are trying to put the puzzle together, but I think going through my old posts will only lead to confusion and misunderstanding. There are details I don’t put online for privacy sake. I hope you understand.