Mother in law only wants to be part time Mom and Grandma

[Stac4Grace]

Hi everyone! I have a situation that I need some advice with. My husband and I have come to the conclusion that his mom does not like me. We have four children and she hardly ever comes to see them let alone calls to see how they are doing. She will stay away for two or more months at a time before coming for a visit then she will call my husband at his workplace after he has told her that he is really busy and can’t talk at work instead of calling me at home. She doesn’t pay much attention to our kids except when we are around a bunch of her church friends. She is really involved at church and knows alot of people so when they are around she always refers to herself as “grandma” and puts on a big show like she is the best “grandma in the world”. She usually refers her comments and questions to my husband and makes comments in a not so subtle way to hurt my feelings. She has two other children one older and one younger than my husband and she treats them and their boyfriends and girlfriends completely opposite that me. We have had numerous conversations about the way she acts towards our family and she says She knows and that she going to change and she never does. How are we supposed to handle this situation. My husband and I walk on thin ice around her for fear that she will tell her friends at church a bunch of lies about us. I would greatly appreciate your advice and your prayers. Thanks and God Bless!

 

[Fitz]

My MIL did not seem to like me much either. We tried and we were faithful. We always included her. It hurt and at times I resented her terribly. I prayed about it, but I always felt anger at her decision to treat us that way. It caused a lot of discussions and perhaps some arguements.

In the end I decided to live my own life as best as I could and not let it get to me. It worked most of the time, but it never worked well until I started to pray for her. She did soften as the years went on. I never poinsoned my children because they did love her, as unavailable as she was. Children can be more forgiving.

When I found out my MIL had cancer and was dying I went to see her often and brought her home made soup and other things she could eat. We had many nice talks. I found that I missed her terribly when she died. I don’t know how to explain it. I wish I had gotten over my feelings sooner. I feel grateful I never spoiled my children’s love for her.

I think that some people love differently and some are controlling. I pray I do better with any daughter and son in laws I may someday have. I came to realize that the way my MIL was, she was with everyone and not just me. She really did have many limitations on communication. She did her best I suppose and that is all anyone can do.

I will say a prayer that you get over your loss of closeness, and that you don’t let it ruin your life. Your children deserve you to be the best you can be void of resentments of your MIL.

Oh yeah, the part about not liking you- it might just be that no one would have been good enough. Don’t take it personal. I read one good Guidepost story about a MIL problem such as ours. The author realized that her MIL wanted quality alone time with her son. As soon as the author’s son began to take his mom out once in awhile alone, all their problems dissolved. It is food for thought.

 

[Ronin]

I think you are wasting efforts worrying about what your ML will tell the people at church.

Also, that you are wasting additional efforts treating her with kid gloves.

She will do what she will do…

Enjoy life and treat her with respect. You owe her no more.

Ronin

 

[Scullinius]

Maybe it’s because I don’t spend a lot of time around grandmothers, but I’ve never heard of a grandmother who didn’t want to be around her grandchildren. Four, you say?

Is she Catholic?

Your husband shouldn’t worry about thin ice. His mom sounds like trouble. He is married to YOU, after all… one flesh, and all that.

 

[Stac4Grace]

Scullinius:

Maybe it’s because I don’t spend a lot of time around grandmothers, but I’ve never heard of a grandmother who didn’t want to be around her grandchildren. Four, you say?

Is she Catholic?

Your husband shouldn’t worry about thin ice. His mom sounds like trouble. He is married to YOU, after all… one flesh, and all that.

Yes, she is Catholic and we are too. She was very controlling with my husband when he was living at home and she thinks she can still be that way. And we have her only four grandchildren so you think she would be more involved, but she would rather go on dates and go to movies and dances and out with her friends.

 

[puzzleannie]

If you did not specify MIL I would assume you are one of my daughters. I am a PT Mom and Grandma now because we live so far away (not my choice) but even when we lived up there was PT because they are both totally wrapped up in their in-laws families and have little time for us. Even when we visit, they cannot seem to get one Sunday away from MIL, or spend even 15 minutes with me or their dad w/o kids, hub or in-laws around. I am very involved in Church, and up there was still working, MIL has never worked and is perfect Mom and Grandma (as everybody takes pains to remind me 12 times a month), I can’t even begin to compete.

Also we are financially unable (and would not do so if we were wealthier) to compete in the gifts and bribery to grandkids department.

Perhaps your MIL was victimized by a very controlling MIL herself, and is giving you both some space as her idea of what is best for you. Maybe she truly enjoys the time she does get with you and grandkids, and expresses her joy, but is being very careful not to interfere, not to offer unwanted advice, not to monopolize her son, not to run your life.

Why are you so quick to ascribe unkind motives to her? Sounds like there are at least 2 sides to this story.

 

[Stac4Grace]

puzzleannie:

If you did not specify MIL I would assume you are one of my daughters. I am a PT Mom and Grandma now because we live so far away (not my choice) but even when we lived up there was PT because they are both totally wrapped up in their in-laws families and have little time for us. Even when we visit, they cannot seem to get one Sunday away from MIL, or spend even 15 minutes with me or their dad w/o kids, hub or in-laws around. I am very involved in Church, and up there was still working, MIL has never worked and is perfect Mom and Grandma (as everybody takes pains to remind me 12 times a month), I can’t even begin to compete.

Also we are financially unable (and would not do so if we were wealthier) to compete in the gifts and bribery to grandkids department.

Perhaps your MIL was victimized by a very controlling MIL herself, and is giving you both some space as her idea of what is best for you. Maybe she truly enjoys the time she does get with you and grandkids, and expresses her joy, but is being very careful not to interfere, not to offer unwanted advice, not to monopolize her son, not to run your life.

Why are you so quick to ascribe unkind motives to her? Sounds like there are at least 2 sides to this story.

As I stated in my earlier post we have discussed this problem with her and she knows that she is being the way she is and says she will change but does not. She talks down to my husband and makes him feel inferior and after we got married she told him that he was going to do this, this, and this for her. And you’re right, there are two sides to this story her side and then the truth. We give her the benefit of the doubt and everytime we try to do the right thing she knocks us down another notch. We are not wanting a nasty confrontation with her we are asking for suggestions on what to do about this.

 

[WhiteDove]

DearStac4,
I think you need to accept your MIL the way she is. There is no changing her. Also, you both need to enforce your own boundries. When she calls at your husband’s work, he can politely decline to make arrangements and refer the calls to you. Forget about warning her ahead of time, just deal with her during each occurence.

You mother-in-law has problems. She probably sees you as competition. I doubt if it’s personal. If he had married someone else, then she would despise them. Also, it sounds like she’s single, eh? You mention dating.

One positive is that your husband and you are of one mind here. Do you know how many husbands continue to be manipulated by their mothers? So count your blessings and pray for the woman and her shallow church friends.

 

[AirForceMama]

WhiteDove:

DearStac4,
I think you need to accept your MIL the way she is. There is no changing her. Also, you both need to enforce your own boundries. When she calls at your husband’s work, he can politely decline to make arrangements and refer the calls to you. Forget about warning her ahead of time, just deal with her during each occurence.

You mother-in-law has problems. She probably sees you as competition. I doubt if it’s personal. If he had married someone else, then she would despise them. Also, it sounds like she’s single, eh? You mention dating.

One positive is that your husband and you are of one mind here. Do you know how many husbands continue to be manipulated by their mothers? So count your blessings and pray for the woman and her shallow church friends.

Very good advice here.

Remember - it could always be worse! My MIL felt that I was her competition, I was “Taking her baby away”. She lived 3 miles from us, and I swear, it felt like she was in the next room, always making comments - on EVERYTHING! There is resentment flying all over the place. We now live half a continent away, and though I don’t have to worry about her showing up on my doorstep, it’s still not pretty when we do some together. I have learned to bite my tongue and just avoid situation that will anger me. It’s true, they will not change, but instead you need to set your boundaries - whether they respect them or not. If they don’t, just stay firm, and if they truly love you, they will adapt. Don’t worry about what she tells people. Normal people should see right through the lies.

 

[monica_fan]

Just leave her be for awhile and pray for her. When she gets older she will realize how much she needs you, especially if you are praying for her. My MIL tried her best to break my husband and I up before marriage and after marriage she only wanted to see us on Christmas. I knew it was because she didn’t like me so we would try every once in awhile to see her on other times besides Christmas but she always had an excuse. Now that we have been married 31 years and she is getting older and more alone, she says yes when we ask if we can come visit. One of her grandsons (our son) and his family also go with us to visit her. In fact we celebrated her birthday with her today. Patience and prayer is the best advice I can give you.

 

[Stac4Grace]

Thank you all for your replies and we will continue to pray for her and hope that someday things will get better. God bless you!

 

[kage_ar]

Pray, pray, pray. Pray for her to be HAPPY and blessed.

Treat her exactly the way you want your children’s spouses to treat you someday.

 

[Amie]

Everyone here has great advice! I had similar MIL problems… what’s hard for me that is different is that she has one other daughter with one child, one on the way, and a husband who is always working, so she is constantly in “need” of her mother, or, my MIL. So, I know there is uneveness of love and attention in the family (we have two kids that barely get any attention, comparatively). But, as my husband says, the price for being “close” isn’t one we are probably willing to pay.

In any case, I just wanted to add a couple of things onto the advice above. Notably, everyone says “accept them as they are” excellent advice! Next, “accept that you will not be close” it was hard for me to accept… I’d always wanted a MIL I could talk to. Maybe in a few years… And finally, if your MIL is doing what she’s doing, it’s called “Emotional Blackmail” there’s a great book about it that really helped me. They play their little games to upset you so that they can get you to do what they want, or most often, to feel that they are still important enough to be upset ABOUT in your life. They just want to exist… they don’t realize how damaging it can be at times.

And finally, I just learned about “love languages”… there are five, and we all show love differently. It may be that her love language is one you don’t understand, and vice versa… I’m not saying that she isn’t being manipulative, but I am saying that it might help you understand where she’s coming from in terms of how one shows love and wishes to receive love. It helped me understand my parents, husband, and even my children, a bit better.

God bless, and good luck. We’ve all been there…
-Amy

 

[cove]

Stac4Grace:

As I stated in my earlier post we have discussed this problem with her and she knows that she is being the way she is and says she will change but does not. She talks down to my husband and makes him feel inferior and after we got married she told him that he was going to do this, this, and this for her. And you’re right, there are two sides to this story her side and then the truth. We give her the benefit of the doubt and everytime we try to do the right thing she knocks us down another notch. We are not wanting a nasty confrontation with her we are asking for suggestions on what to do about this.

You don’t mention if your husbands sibs are male or female. I can relate to some of what you are saying. My husband is the oldest of three boys. My MIL was very used to being the “queen” of her castle. #1 girl, if ya know what I mean? I think in the beginning she saw me as a threat to her little domain. She hated the fact that she could not manipulate me like she did her boys. It took many years of patience on my part to not take everyhing she said and did so personally. To make a long story short, my husband chose to move us 1600 miles away. We get along just fine but I only talk to her a couple of times a year when we are visiting. They never call our house. They only call my husband on his cell phone. I don’t go out of my way to call her either. But, we have nice visits when I do see her. They are generous to us at Christmas and birthdays. I do feel bad that our relationship is not closer. I did ask her to be our youngest daughters Godmother and my daughters middle name is hers. I think I scored some brownie points with that one.

btw–My mom gave me some good advice early on when I was feeling frustrated by my MIL’s actions. My mother said to me to remember that my MIL gave birth to and raised my husband who is a wonderful person. I should always think of that when I get mad at her. After that I had a hard time being mad at her.

 

[Stac4Grace]

cove:

You don’t mention if your husbands sibs are male or female. I can relate to some of what you are saying. My husband is the oldest of three boys. My MIL was very used to being the “queen” of her castle. #1 girl, if ya know what I mean? I think in the beginning she saw me as a threat to her little domain. She hated the fact that she could not manipulate me like she did her boys. It took many years of patience on my part to not take everyhing she said and did so personally. To make a long story short, my husband chose to move us 1600 miles away. We get along just fine but I only talk to her a couple of times a year when we are visiting. They never call our house. They only call my husband on his cell phone. I don’t go out of my way to call her either. But, we have nice visits when I do see her. They are generous to us at Christmas and birthdays. I do feel bad that our relationship is not closer. I did ask her to be our youngest daughters Godmother and my daughters middle name is hers. I think I scored some brownie points with that one.

btw–My mom gave me some good advice early on when I was feeling frustrated by my MIL’s actions. My mother said to me to remember that my MIL gave birth to and raised my husband who is a wonderful person. I should always think of that when I get mad at her. After that I had a hard time being mad at her.

She has a daughter three years older than my husband and a son five years younger than him. They are the ones who get all the attention and they don’t even have kids and the daughter still lives at home. Yes my MIL gave birth and raised my husband but she did not give him the love and attention that he needed growing up, so he didn’t really know how to express his feelings. He said that I have taught him alot about love and how it feels to have someone love him as much as I do. I think my MIL is mad because she cannot control him anymore and tell him what to do, but she still does that with the other two.

 

[Stac4Grace]

Amie:

Everyone here has great advice! I had similar MIL problems… what’s hard for me that is different is that she has one other daughter with one child, one on the way, and a husband who is always working, so she is constantly in “need” of her mother, or, my MIL. So, I know there is uneveness of love and attention in the family (we have two kids that barely get any attention, comparatively). But, as my husband says, the price for being “close” isn’t one we are probably willing to pay.

In any case, I just wanted to add a couple of things onto the advice above. Notably, everyone says “accept them as they are” excellent advice! Next, “accept that you will not be close” it was hard for me to accept… I’d always wanted a MIL I could talk to. Maybe in a few years… And finally, if your MIL is doing what she’s doing, it’s called “Emotional Blackmail” there’s a great book about it that really helped me. They play their little games to upset you so that they can get you to do what they want, or most often, to feel that they are still important enough to be upset ABOUT in your life. They just want to exist… they don’t realize how damaging it can be at times.

And finally, I just learned about “love languages”… there are five, and we all show love differently. It may be that her love language is one you don’t understand, and vice versa… I’m not saying that she isn’t being manipulative, but I am saying that it might help you understand where she’s coming from in terms of how one shows love and wishes to receive love. It helped me understand my parents, husband, and even my children, a bit better.

God bless, and good luck. We’ve all been there…
-Amy

My MIL does not show her love very well. That’s how she was with her kids and she does the same thing with our kids. she doesn’t pick them up and hug them and when she kisses them it’s on top of the head like they are strangers. She wants to be “grandma” but only when it’s convenient for her which is about once a month if that. You mentioned a book about emotional blackmail, is that the title or is it different? I would like to check it out. Thank you!

 

[legeorge]

I have pretty good in-laws but there is one thing that I may be able to offer. My husband’s parents were never very outwardly affectionate (hugging, kissing, etc.). However, I have taught my kids to give lots of hugs and kisses to the people they love (because that is how I am with them). I have noticed that through the children, my in-laws have come to be like this too! The environment feels much warmer now. So don’t underestimate the effect the kids can have on their grandma over time.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Your MIL sounds like my mother. She also acts totally different with her church friends. I, and my 3 siblings, also are anxious regarding the untruths she tells about us. We’ve all had her “friends” call us to tell us how mean and awful we are. In reality, we are just trying to cope with someone who is manipulative and deceitful. It’s as if she is 2 different people. She has caused so much pain and confusion within our family. It’s only recently that I have set some boundaries with her. I set a time once a month to get together with her and the children. I have begun to pray for her and maintain a loving/polite outward appearance when I’m with her. We have all had words with her, but it is absolutely no help. She just turns it all around somehow. I read a great book I found in Catholic Parent magazine…Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown. It’s for people who want to maintain a relationship with this type of person. It’s been a lifesaver for me. God bless you for trying so hard with your MIL.

Giannawannabe

 

[Stac4Grace]

Giannawannabe:

Your MIL sounds like my mother. She also acts totally different with her church friends. I, and my 3 siblings, also are anxious regarding the untruths she tells about us. We’ve all had her “friends” call us to tell us how mean and awful we are. In reality, we are just trying to cope with someone who is manipulative and deceitful. It’s as if she is 2 different people. She has caused so much pain and confusion within our family. It’s only recently that I have set some boundaries with her. I set a time once a month to get together with her and the children. I have begun to pray for her and maintain a loving/polite outward appearance when I’m with her. We have all had words with her, but it is absolutely no help. She just turns it all around somehow. I read a great book I found in Catholic Parent magazine…Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown. It’s for people who want to maintain a relationship with this type of person. It’s been a lifesaver for me. God bless you for trying so hard with your MIL.

Giannawannabe

Thank you and God bless you too!

 

[Lorarose]

Yes my MIL gave birth and raised my husband but she did not give him the love and attention that he needed growing up, so he didn’t really know how to express his feelings. He said that I have taught him alot about love and how it feels to have someone love him as much as I do

That explains everything right there.
Your MIL probably understands this is the situation and is resentful you are giving your husband something she never did.

You cannot force someone to become more loving.

Be thankful that you are who you are and that you don’t feel the need to play headgames with the people you love.