Mother needing advice, support from others

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Dear fellow posters,

This is my first post, and it is hard. I am at probably the lowest point in my life, and I need so much support and guidance that I almost don’t know where to begin.

I am a 40-year-old SAHM of three and Catholic. My husband is nearly 50. We are old parents, as our oldest is 7 and our youngest nearly 1. My husband is a lapsed Lutheran who has no relationship with God that I can discern, as he does not attend church, read anything spiritual, or even pray (something I suspected that he recently divulged). We have been married for nearly 10 years and live in a semi-rural area. My parish is about 12 miles away. Although I have been a “member” for 10 years, it has been an enormous struggle for me to remain in any way affiliated, as it is an overly-large, unfriendly place. My recent activities revolve around my desire to raise my children in the Catholic faith.

I underwent a fairly significant health decline during my pregnancies and was left chronically ill. I actually had a tubal ligation after my third child was born because I came so close to death midway through my pregnancy and was terrified that another pregnancy would claim both my life and that of my unborn child. I could not bear the thought of leaving my children to be raised by their father.

We have no geographically-close family members. My husband is from a spiritually-bereft family; his mother despises churches (“all they want is your money”). Of his two, 40-something bachelor brothers, one is a marijuana addict and the other addicted to Internet porn. They are in a 3-way partnership business with my husband; thankfully, we are separated from them by several hundred miles.

My own family is geographically distant by thousands of miles. I am closest (emotionally) to a sister who does not share my conservative values or religious convictions; I consider her a lapsed anti-Catholic at this point. Of my brothers, only one attends church. He has a large family and is beset by financial and marital problems. I seldom speak to him. My parents live 5000 miles away and are good, failthful people. They come to help when they can (as they have with the birth of each of my children) but they are elderly and the travel is tough on them. Thus, I am isolated from family.

My husband is a good man at his core; he treats people kindly and speaks ill of nobody, but he is plagued by chronic depression that has worsened since our children were born and have placed significant demands on us. He takes no part in their spiritual guidance and upbringing, and is rather emotionally detached from them.

Our children have been mixed blessings. I love them dearly; make no mistake about that. None of them sleep well, and sleep deprivation has been a huge contributor in bringing our lives to where we are today. We are chronically exhausted. Our middle child was born with a progressive genetic neurological disorder and has been extremely difficult, much in the manner of an active autistic child. She cried nonstop for the first nine months of her life. Just when things seemed to improve, she was diagnosed with her disorder and each advance she’s made, each peak in one area has been followed by a significant valley in another area, usually behaviorally. She has always been a poor sleeper. For the first two years of her life, she awoke 4-5 times each night. Her doctors could do nothing to help her. Her behavior in public is unpredictable and sometimes explosive. Although she looks normal, her behavior definitely is not and this has prompted others - strangers - to make some cruel and nasty comments to us about her and our ability to parent. Some of these comments have occurred within the confines of our “lovely” parish (more on that later, I hope).

Yes, folks, I know I am very depressed. Please do not tell me this; please do not tell me to “get help”. “Getting help” means finding the time and resources that will truly do me good. It also means getting a break from my children, and there are only two people I can go to for that - people who are very busy with lives of their own and troubles of their own to deal with. I am trapped.

I will gladly accept your prayers, but I am also looking pointedly for advice from others (especially moms) who are where I am or who have “been there” and found a way out of it. I feel the weight of all of my family’s needs upon my shoulders, and do not get moral or spiritual support from my husband. I have reached a breaking point. This is a genuine cry for help. I pray all day long, but no longer feel comfort or hope.

One last thing - please, no chastisement for the tubal ligation. Unless your life has been threatened by chronic disease exacerbated by pregnancy, you do not know what I have been through. I have asked God’s forgiveness if, despite the circumstances, I was wrong for what I did. Please leave that one between me and God. Thank you for listening.
 
First, I am so sorry for all the hardships you are enduring right now. If there is anything at all I can share with you that I want you to know it is this – that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Even though you may feel like you have nobody to turn to, there are many in your life who care for you.

I can relate to your situation as I have been dealing with chronic illness for five years and have two children, now 14 and 10, but were 5 and 9 when this all began. I, too, felt somwhat isolated from my parish and didn’t feel like anyone cared.

What I found was that people simply didn’t know our situation, didn’t know we needed help and prayer – so we began to ask and to share our situation with others, and we have been overwhelmed with support! Sure, there are still those who don’t know, don’t understand, or simply don’t care, but that is not the majority.

I’m sure there are some very wonderful people in your parish, you just don’t know them yet. Have you called the office to ask to be placed on the prayer alert? Have you spoken with the priest and asked for anointing of the sick, a blessing of your house, spiritual direction? Do you take your burdens and lay them at the foot of our Savior and trust in Him to help care for you and your family?

These are not easy things, I know, because I didn’t do them for a long time. But I am learning. I have also learned to offer my sufferings to Jesus, to join them to His and offer them for the salvation of souls and for my family. This is called redemptive suffering and there are many posts on this forum regarding this.

You are not alone, because **every day I pray for all those who suffer with chronic illnesses. ** I ask the saints to pray for those with chronic illnesses. There are thousands who pray before Our Lord in Eucharistic adoration every hour of every day who pray for all who are sick, burdened, lonely, etc. YOU ARE BEING PRAYED FOR ALL THE TIME!

Lay your burdens at the foot of the cross, most fitting during this Holiest of Weeks. Ask God to send you friends, supporters, parents in similar situations who understand what you’re going through. They are out there.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, but I find it very comforting, especially the closing prayer:

Eternal God, in Whom mercy is endless and treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, so that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit our lives to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
 
I’m also a mother of young children with extended family that lives far away, so I was moved by the sentiments that you expressed. For me, a support system is a necessity (one of my supports is a close-knit playgroup). I’m not sure of the resources in your community, but are there any support groups for parents of special-needs children near by? Perhaps your parish has a club for mothers of young children? You sound like a kind, loving mother who has a lot to handle right now. I wish you peace and strength.
 
I"m not a mom but I humbly offer the following:
Have you considered respite care? It’s like foster care but shorter, like a day or weekend. I think you would call social services for that. Also, your community probably has a care-giver support group, often based in a church. Either of these would give you the break you need and perhaps give you the opportunity to seek out some other resources.
 
I can sort of feel your pain. I have three children, ages 1, 2 and 3. My husband is in the Air Force. He left for three months when my youngest was not even 3 months old yet. I thought I would going to lose it. Our house was on the market, our familiy was far away, and I had a miscarriage within the first few weeks he was away. Going grocery shopping with the three kids was troublesome enough, going to church was unheard of.

My husband went through a phase that he was “separated” from the church. He was born and raised Catholic, but when we tried to get married, our priest refused to perform the ceremony (long story). My husband lost faith, at one point even saying he questioned God’s existence. You can imagine how scared I was for him.

Anyway, my point is that we all have low points in our lives. But with every valley, there is a mountain. I have learned to find my own support groups. They are not family (Since we will probably nevre live near them again). I force myself to get out and meet people. Check out a MOPS program in your area, or see if your parish has a Mom’s Day Out program. Some parishes have a Bible Study which also has a nursery available. If you are not comfortable in your parish, maybe it will be worth the drive to find a new one.

As far as your husband in concerned… PRAY. God will not give us more than we can handle. It’s taken me a while to realize the truth in that statement, but it’s there. It’s great that you’ve come to this site. And like a previous poster said - you are already being prayed for!! And you are not alone! You will survive! Keep that in mind the next time your child acts up in public. I do everyday.
 
I really have no advice for you, but want to tell you that I have prayed for you. St. Monica is my patron saint, and in my petition to her tonight I will also pray for you.

I am a convert to Catholicism from a somewhat anti-Catholic, fundamentalist family. My three children were born in fewer than three years. Being home with them is a blessing, but I also have them enrolled in mom’s day out programs a couple of hours a week so I can have a little “downtime” (and a precious little it is!).

My friend’s mother had her three youngest children, all boys, after the age of 35, and they all have fragile X syndrome and varying degrees of autism. So besides the challenge of being an “older” parent, she also dealt with the stares and rude comments about her sons, who really didn’t understand yet that the things they were doing (inappropriate touching, comments, etc) were not acceptable.

Anyway, I pray Our Lord comforts you, and that the Blessed Mother will give you peace, and that you’ll feel God’s arms holding you.
 
There are some caring people in you parish - please, make a call to your parish. Set up a time to talk to your priest,call the diocese family life office, the womens’ group, someone who will pray with you and lend you a good Christian hug!

Remember the rosary, and ask our Mother for prayers and comfort.
 
Hugs and prayers to you. Our Lord never gives us more then we can handle. Please try to find someone to talk to or even post here if you just need to unload. Special needs children are difficult but when those little milestones come you will feel so good. I have a 16 year old son who is Autistic son with severe retardation (he also mute) so I know where you are coming from. Even if you can’t get to Church, Just take a few minutes for daily prayer trust me it helps. :blessyou:
 
I have no special needs children, but my children are demanding in that they are 3, 1 1/2, and 3 months. All three wake at night, so I can definitely commiserate with you on the sleep deprivation, although perhaps not to your extent.

I am also isolated from family and our friends in our small town number “two,” as well. They are also busy with their teenage children’s activities. I don’t have many options to call for help. If we go anywhere, our children have to come with us, which pretty much limits our going anywhere to the grocery store or to Mass.

I found myself depressed before, for being alone, too, it seems to be my cross to bear in life. I think your sleep deprivation is a cause of this feeling in you. I got so used to thinking “I can’t do this…I can’t do that,” that I didn’t even try. My house was a mess, I even looked a mess, I never smiled, etc.

What we did was begin inviting people over for dinner once every couple months. People were not reaching out for us at all, even though they were friendly to our faces. If dinner is too much, make a nice dessert and invite the family over after dinner hours. I KNOW it isn’t always easy to be the one to step out into unknown territories. We haven’t found a family yet that will become our true friends, but a few of our dinners have resulted in families that we know and like, even if we’re not best friends. We would be able to call on these people in an emergency if needed.

I prayed a lot during these times of depression. I got the impression that I was wanting God to do all the work for me and send a new friend knocking on my door. Well what’s that quote, pray like it’s all up to God and act like it’s all up to you.

Call up your priest and have him over for dinner or dessert. He will be your best ally. At least it will give him a little perspective into your family. Perhaps you could talk to him before he comes and let him know of your daughter’s special needs. He may know of a family that you might connect with, and then perhaps the next time you could invite him and the other family as well.

This is how I am working my way out of our situation. I know it isn’t easy being isolated and never having any time to yourself or the children’s time with the grandparents, etc. Perhaps with prayer to God and our Blessed Mother, you can begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take that first step. You won’t regret it.
 
It is so hard to raise a young family when you are far from relatives who might be able to help you out. And it is very difficult to raise a special needs child when you feel no one understands just what you are going through. I can relate on both counts. Have you talked with your priest about this stuff? Long ago, I was so thankful to see a little blurb in our parish bulletin from a young mom who was starting a playgroup. Joining this playgroup was the beginning of my realization that I needed to pursue friendships and support on my own. Those things weren’t going to come knocking on my door! I still felt very overwhelmed at times but it sure helped to know that other people were struggling, too. I forget where you are from, but all states have services for families with special needs children. This aid is usually provided through the public school system. Have you pursued any help from an agency near you? You will find caring people who can help. I had people tell me that I shouldn’t get involved in the public school system because it’s “evil” and I’d be opening our home up to strangers who would only be nosy. This was not true at all. I found people who have been supportive and a huge help. Please call to see what help is out there for you. You can email me privately if you wish. I am praying for you right now! God bless, Theresa
 
I’m not going to tell you to “get help” but may I please just suggest that you go to your family doctor and tell him or her that you are depressed? I say that because my very best friend had some of the very feelings you’ve expressed and when she told her doctor, he prescribed an anti depressent that literally changed her life. None of her problems have gone away, but she is now able to cope with them so much better. She said that before the medication, she felt as if she had fallen into a deep hole and she just couldn’t imagine ever being able to pull herself out again. Prayer wasn’t working - nothing was working and she just felt like life was a burden. Perhaps if you are able to get some medical help with your depression, your husband would follow suit? Depression needs to be treated - if you were diabetic you wouldn’t think twice about going to the doctor. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that I will remember you in my prayers. May God bless you, CM
 
You may not want to seek profesional advice, but for what its worth, I would try giving Dr. Ray (see the Dr is in on this web site
www.catholic.com or www.drray.com)). He has a call in radio show too. I have heard others call in similar to you. He is a pyschologist, but well grounded in orthodox catholic faith and apologetics as well - a very rare combination.

I am a convert to the faith and am surrounded by unbelieveing catholics (in-laws, God parents to my children, wife, friends etc).
I find strength in prayer before Blessed Sacrament, good priest, and I immerse myself in Catholic Reading and Dr Ray too.

We will pray for you and your family.
 
Hi-

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My sister has a daughter that is now 7 years old and within the last couple of years has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD,ODD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and now Bipolar. Her father and his mother both have Bipolar. When she was barely four years old my sister started having problems with her daughter’s father. They lived together but were not married. Her daughter started acting very strange and this child seen things that she never should have seen. Then my sister found out some horrifying things that happened between her daughter and the father which stemmed in my sister almost having a nervous breakdown. She finally ended up going to see her doctor and he prescribed her some midication for her nerves. This did not make her problems go away but it helped her to handle them a little better. I’m sorry this is all I have to offer but your situation is similar to what hers was because she also had nobody to turn to for help. Please keep posting on the forums because it will help to vent and if need be cry. Crying may not be the cure all but sometimes when we keep everything locked up inside a good cry really does feel good. God bless you and your family during these trying times.
 
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m33z3r:
Yes, folks, I know I am very depressed. Please do not tell me this; please do not tell me to “get help”. “Getting help” means finding the time and resources that will truly do me good. It also means getting a break from my children, and there are only two people I can go to for that - people who are very busy with lives of their own and troubles of their own to deal with. I am trapped.
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I have been depressed, including a period when I was very sleep-deprived due to the demands of our babies. (To the point that I joked later that if the Moonies had only kidnapped me, maybe I could have gotten a little sleep.) You don’t need to get help so much as you need to find someone who will help you and then let them do what they can. No, they can’t make your troubles go away. Yes, they can help you realize that you need not be utterly trapped and alone. Please, please accept the fact that depression colors your judgement and be willing to put yourself in a position to have someone know enough to help you.

Having said that, what helped me was to pray. Sometimes, I just said, “Help.” Sometimes, I meditated on anything good I could seize upon. In your case, perhaps that, because your husband treats people kindly and speaks ill of nobody, that you can take that as a witness that the Holy Spirit does still work in him. Sometimes, I found just a line or two out of the Psalms, which are full of the prayers of those in dire straits. These were two that helped particularly… I’d repeat them over and over, or tape copies on the bathroom mirror, so I’d see them.
“If the Lord were not my help, I would long have been silent in the grave.
When I say, “My foot is slipping”, your love, Lord holds me up
When cares increase within me, your comfort gives me joy.”
Psalm 94:17-19

“They go out, they go out, full of tears,
carrying seed for sowing
They come back, they come back, full of song,
carrying their sheaves.” Psalm 126

Pray prayers of gratitude, for anything you can think of. If it is too bleak to feel grateful, pray as if you just received your children back out of a coma, as if you had been held hostage, as if you had feared your husband dead. Pray prayers uniting your suffering to the suffering of Jesus at Gethsemane and on the cross, where He was lonely, misunderstood, abandoned. Pray for those who suffer as you do. Offer up your suffering for the conversion of your husband, for help for your children, for those who are barren, for those dying, for anyone whose plight moves *you. *In other words, use what you are suffering to be there for someone else. If you have to, pray to be able to pray, to be held by God to get through just one more day. Rely on him utterly, and trust that you will be delivered one day. Look for his deliverance.

The problem with this disease of depression, though, is how impossible it makes any of this sound. I know from having been there. If trapped is all you can feel, offer that up… whatever you have. Again, the psalms are full of the prayers of the trapped and the hopeless. Go there, and God be with you. You have my prayers, dear one. Don’t give up.
 
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