Mother's Day grief

[quiet52]

I did my best to console an elderly friend whose grown children neglected her on Mother’s Day.
Is this indifference to one’s own parents becoming a more common thing in the U.S.?

 

[Lion_IRC]

I wonder if you get the children you deserve. If you raise selfish children is it a surprise when they imitate what they learned?

Obviously, not true in all cases, but did you get a sense from your elderly friend that the behaviour of her children was out of character or unusual?

I wonder how much effect it has on family life when we, as a society, neglect to take at least one day a week away from the secular rat-race and deliberately come together for a family meal
and spiritual thanksgiving - a “time-out” with our loved ones. (Sabbath)

And theres a secular reason why it’s so important to honor your mother and father. Because in doing so we teach our children how to honor theirs.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Good for you, for trying to cheer this woman up. However, a lot of detail is missing. Perhaps her kids did call but to her that was not good enough. Unless you know the specifics, there could be good reason for her kids behaviour

Angie

 

[LoveJesus13]

Yes, good for you for being there for her. It is unfortunate that her children are that way especially on a holiday that honors mothers. It is becoming more common today that children do not respect their parents. It could also be that they did not have a great relationship earlier on. Sometimes, God gives us family members that are not truly what we want or deserve in order to shape us into the person He wants us to be. Hopefully your friend and her children can meet in the middle to sort out their differences soon.

 

[Falco]

I don’t raise my expectations on Mothers’ Day, so when they don’t call, as usual, I don’t feel too disappointed. It still hurts a bit, though, especially as I always remembered and fussed my own mother, now long gone.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I did my best to console an elderly friend whose grown children neglected her on Mother’s Day.
Is this indifference to one’s own parents becoming a more common thing in the U.S.?

Ii don’t think so, considering that Mother’s Day is the day most restaurants are at their busiest! Flowers and chocolates and dipped strawberries are purchased and greeting cards are sent all over the world! The merchants LOVE Mother’s Day!

Now. that’s only on one day out of the year. Your question can be answered in more than one way. In a more general sense, yes, I think the elderly are treated with less respect than ever - many of them end up in nursing homes at the end of their lives - but then again, we are living longer and getting Alzheimer’s dementia and other medical problems that cannot easily be dealt with by families keeping their elderly relatives at home. And some of the people in nursing homes never had children. Some even prefer to be in “independent living” rather than impose upon their own children for their care.

You don’t know the circumstances of this situation, do you? There could be many reasons, including that they intend to do something at another time and she either doesn’t know that or doesn’t remember.

 

[gardenswithkids]

There’s neglecting Mother’s** Day**, and then there’s neglecting mother.

Do your friend’s children neglect her throughout the year?

Are her expections for Mother’s Day realistic?

Did they fail to recognize her in any way or did they just fail to do what she expected?

If you had to spend the day consoling her, then how did she know that they weren’t planning on calling to say, “Happy Mother’s Day” in the evening?

How does she know that it wasn’t a failure on the part of some florist to make the delivery on-time?

How much does one need to do for a mother on Mother’s Day in order for her to not feel neglected?

 

[styrgwillidar]

I did my best to console an elderly friend whose grown children neglected her on Mother’s Day.
Is this indifference to one’s own parents becoming a more common thing in the U.S.?

Well, the indiffirence to mothers is becoming more common as more women walk out on their families, or prioritize their jobs or other relationships over their kids when they are young. While my kids called their grandmothers and made sure we sent them flowers, they didn’t even text their own mom. But then, she decided she really didn’t want to be a mother in their lives, just a visitor.

However, as another poster said- restaurants are at their busiest and flowers, cards and candy for moms sell like crazy. So, over-all indifference is less common than acknowledging mom on her holiday.

 

[Arebella]

My mother had two life-long friends, one of whom was married with no children, and the other never married and had no children. I was my mother’s only child, so both of these women doted on me and loved me like their own daughter. When I was still very young, but old enough to understand the concept of Mother’s Day, I always felt bad that they had no one to make that day special for them and how lonely that must feel to them. I always sent them both cards and when I was older, I sent them both flowers every year. When the married one with no children died, she left me a long, emotional letter about how much that gesture meant to her on Mother’s Day.

 

[Cat]

Mother’s Day is a Hallmark holiday, IMO. I told my daughters and husband not to bother to spend money on it.

The merchants and media set people up for unrealistic displays of affection and love.

I agree with those who say that before passing any judgment, we need to know the whole story about how the children treat their mother throughout the year, and how the mother treats her children throughout the year.

 

[mommamaree]

I did my best to console an elderly friend whose grown children neglected her on Mother’s Day.
Is this indifference to one’s own parents becoming a more common thing in the U.S.?

I had no contact with my mother on Mother’s Day, because I had to go No Contact with her last autumn. For some reason, severe personality disorders are on the rise in the western world, and it has led to a lot of parental alienation. My mother has some kind of severe personality disorder (my husband and I wonder if it is sociopathy - aka antisocial personality disorder). Yet, she is able to put on a good front for strangers and acquaintances, who have no idea of what kind of behavior she is capable of. I don’t know anything about this elderly friend of yours, or her children, but parental estrangement usually results from severe family dysfunction, which could be caused by personality disorders or abuse. Even if your friend is healthy and sane, one or more of her children may not be.

For myself, I have to say that it was enormously painful not to call my mother or send a card for Mother’s Day. I felt like a failure of a daughter, but I knew that if I picked up the phone to call or even text my mother, the mental abuse would start right back up again. But the sad reality is that my mother has a lot of people fooled so that I look like the bad guy for neglecting her (and I feel like the bad guy, too) because so few people have been witness to the crazy verbal abuse that she pours out on me when others aren’t around.

So, to answer your question, yes, I think that parental neglect or parental alienation is on the rise, just as are personality disorders are.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I had no contact with my mother on Mother’s Day, because I had to go No Contact with her last autumn. For some reason, severe personality disorders are on the rise in the western world, and it has led to a lot of parental alienation. My mother has some kind of severe personality disorder (my husband and I wonder if it is sociopathy - aka antisocial personality disorder). Yet, she is able to put on a good front for strangers and acquaintances, who have no idea of what kind of behavior she is capable of. I don’t know anything about this elderly friend of yours, or her children, but parental estrangement usually results from severe family dysfunction, which could be caused by personality disorders or abuse. Even if your friend is healthy and sane, one or more of her children may not be.

For myself, I have to say that it was enormously painful not to call my mother or send a card for Mother’s Day. I felt like a failure of a daughter, but I knew that if I picked up the phone to call or even text my mother, the mental abuse would start right back up again. But the sad reality is that my mother has a lot of people fooled so that I look like the bad guy for neglecting her (and I feel like the bad guy, too) because so few people have been witness to the crazy verbal abuse that she pours out on me when others aren’t around.

So, to answer your question, yes, I think that parental neglect or parental alienation is on the rise, just as are personality disorders are.

I am very pleased to hear that you have kept up with your “no contact” rule! Good for you. Your whole family will benefit from this rule.



Hang in there. You’re doing the right thing.

A Hallmark card we’ll never see:

“Mom, you and I both know you’re a psycho, but to get everyone else off my back, I have to send you this card.”

 

[maryjk]

A Hallmark card we’ll never see:

“Mom, you and I both know you’re a psycho, but to get everyone else off my back, I have to send you this card.”

My sister once sent me a card, it was blank on the inside. She wrote. “Sorry for being such a b***ch.” It was a card she really needed to send.

And there is a demand for those kinds of cards.

Maybe you, me, my sister and mommamaree can all get together and start a company that makes cards no one else will.