Mothers Working, Fathers providing, and where shoud it all meet up?

[dwc]

I’m big on these goofy quotes, and I don’t have it now, but I read a quote from a Doctor of the Church that explained, “a mother who chooses to work over staying with her children commits grave sin, unless her working is required to help (or fully) provide for her children’s basic shelter, food, and education.”

It’s too bad you don’t remember the authority to whom you attribute this quote, as I’m quite skeptical that there is any church doctrine stating this.

I know people who can and do raise famililes on one salary. I also think some families absolutely need two salaries just to make ends meet, and I’m not talking about luxuries or extras.

My sisters fall in this category and frankly I get tired of some of the comments on this forum which assume that the only mothers who work are those who don’t want to skimp, don’t know how to budget, or who want more than the most basic material things. That may be true of many, but it is just not true of many others and to make a general statement to that effect is just ignorant of the realities of many people. If you’re in a marriage where the husband earns enough money and your family situation is such that the wife can stay home, good for you and count your blessings, but don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. There are other people who are just as thrifty, hardworking, and of equally modest expectations who just can’t do it.

Finally, there are women, myself included, who could easily stay home full time but who choose to blend career and motherhood. I work half time and my salary is a miniscule amount of our income and wouldn’t be missed if I quit working. However, my work is important and worthy and I have been able to create a position which accomodates my vocation as a mother. And yes, if I were to stay home full time with all my children in school I would get bored.

To the OP – the bottomline is you and your future wife must do what suits you and your family, and remember that life is constant change and your situation and outlook will change during your married life. The trick is to change in the same direction. If you and your wife prefer to have her be a SAHM, by all means, do it. But, if due to unforseen circumstances you can’t, if you are both committed to your family you will still raise your children well. The majority of my children’s friends come from families where both parents have worked full time since the children were very young. Some of the friends have SAHMs. Most of them are very nice kids, nice families, responsible parents who are very involved and concerned about their kids. There is no discernible difference in behavior, school performance or closeness between parent/child among the kids who come from two parents working fulltime, mom working part time and SAHM.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…2.Children in the United States start at an early age attending school from 7-8 hours a day. With modern technology a stay at home mother could find herself quite bored…

Actually I think you make a point. Our society largely reduces full time mothering to simply caring for babies and toddlers. After the mother teaches her children to walk, talk and use the potty, many think she isn’t really qualified to teach her children. The big yellow school bus whisks all her children over the age of five away to school, returning them after 7-8 hours with yet more school work to be done at home.

During they hours when moms aren’t helping with homework, many stay at home moms volunteer quite actively in their children’s schools. Some find other worthy causes where they volunteer too. But if the mom has other younger children at home, helping in the classroom or other volunteering during the day is difficult to do even when she wants to do it. Thus, the full time mom with young children is left back home alone caring only for young children for most of her day, a task that many find draining and perhaps the lack of intellectual stimilation some might call “boring”.

Yes, I do agree that some mothers go back to work because they found life at home without their school aged children a little boring. As the original poster is considering lifestyle choices for the future, he should seriously consider adding homeschooling to his wish list. The mandatory education laws that remove most children from the home during the day seem to have also removed many mothers from their homes during the day too.

 

[dwc]

Our society largely reduces full time mothering to simply caring for babies and toddlers, wiping little butts and noses. After the mother teaches her children to walk, talk and use the potty, many think she isn’t really qualified to teach her children.

Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. I couldn’t disagree more. Parents teach their children much, much more than academics. Whether kids are in school or home schooled, their parents teach them,* a lot*. I spend hours talking with my kids about all kinds of things … current events, social situations at school, what they hear on the radio, what they read in the headlines … what the priest said in his homily, what happened at soccer practice, etc. The list is endless. Every conversation we have with our kids is a potential teaching moment, about life, family, God, geography, history, whatever.

I suppose some parents have abandoned their role as primary educator to the schools, but certainly not all and I would argue not even close to a majority, at least of the parents I know.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. I couldn’t disagree more. Parents teach their children much, much more than academics. Whether kids are in school or home schooled, their parents teach them,* a lot*. I spend hours talking with my kids about all kinds of things …I suppose some parents have abandoned their role as primary educator to the schools, but certainly not all and I would argue not even close to a majority, at least of the parents I know.

Yes, it was a strong statement, (and I edited further, but you quoted and responded to the non-edited version.) I think you misunderstood me if you thought I implied that non-homeschooling parents don’t teach their children. I agree with you that *all *parents teach their children.

My statement regarded "full time" mothers–as in moms who don’t hold a paying job–and that changes when children attend school. I used to work full time and part time too while parenting and thought part time work gave me the “best of both worlds.” I enjoyed my paying job, apart from just the income it provided. After three children, the cost of high quality child care practically exceeded the amount of money I made. Working for pay no longer made sense, but staying home full time with children presented other challenges. I think we agree, as you wrote earlier:

…there are women, myself included, who could easily stay home full time but who choose to blend career and motherhood. I work half time and my salary is a miniscule amount of our income and wouldn’t be missed if I quit working. However, my work is important and worthy and I have been able to create a position which accomodates my vocation as a mother. And yes, if I were to stay home full time with all my children in school I would get bored.

Part of the point I tried to make was that moms who don’t work for pay when their children are in school often perform volunteer work during school hours, helping in schools and with other worthy causes. Sometimes people perform those very same activities for a paycheck. But moms with young children often don’t have the child-care available.

My earlier, unedited comment on “wiping noses and butts” was a reflection on how frusting I find it to spend a great deal of my time changing diapers and cleaning snot. I love babies and toddlers, but there is a huge mental challenge to spending the entire day alone with small children. Boredom doesn’t describe it. Before we began homeschooling, I spent my day with three very young children. By the time my older children got off the school bus, I was absolutely exhausted from my day alone with babies and toddlers, and there came yet more of my children–also tired from a day away at school now needing me to help them with homework and evening activities.

Many had large families before mandatory education laws first forced older children away from their moms. The biggest change to mother’s work at home wasn’t the invention of the washing machine and vacuume–it was mandatory education laws. Shortly after mandatory education laws, society embraced the concept of “family planning” and contraception–perhaps moms who spent most of the day alone with small children found that task difficult. After wide scale contraceptive use began, women entered the workplace in large scale too.

Someone else wrote mothers might become bored when their children are all in school and want to work. You said you would personally find it boring to stay home when the children are in school. I think many mothers who stay home agree and that is why so many volunteer at their children’s schools and various other worthy causes. Yet, a few years ago, I found my “liberation” as a woman came not from finding work outside the home, but by bringing my children’s primary education back to the home.

Many mothers go off to work. And what are many of them doing all day long for pay? Many work in the classrooms–teaching other people’s children, or in day care centers–caring for other people’s babies and toddlers. Others work as housekeepers–cleaning other people’s houses, or in restaurants–preparing and serving other people’s meals, or in clothing stores–helping others find neat, clean clothes to wear, or in architecture or design firms-helping build and beautify other people’s homes, or as engineers–perhaps helping bring a fresh supply of water for cooking and cleaning. Some work as nurses and doctors, caring for the sick, (some even wipe noses and butts much of the day.) Such jobs are good and noble, but doing them for pay doesn’t make them any more noble than when women do them at home for free.

 

[Smber2c]

I wrote: "I’m big on these goofy quotes, and I don’t have it now, but I read a quote from a Doctor of the Church that explained, “a mother who chooses to work over staying with her children commits grave sin, unless her working is required to help (or fully) provide for her children’s basic shelter, food, and education.”

It’s too bad you don’t remember the authority to whom you attribute this quote, as I’m quite skeptical that there is any church doctrine stating this.

I want to apologise for 2 reasons. First I thought that I had written that I **suspected **a Church Doctor wrote the quote. Looking back, I obviously didn’t. What’s more, I went through a bunch of papers and books to find the quote, and it was from a regualar Catholic Priest. In the section I’d been reading he was heavily quoting Doctors of the Church and I had put his own words in one of their mouths. Again, sorry to have mislead and misquoted.

 

[Smber2c]

I know people who can and do raise famililes on one salary. I also think some families absolutely need two salaries just to make ends meet, and I’m not talking about luxuries or extras.

My sisters fall in this category and frankly I get tired of some of the comments on this forum which assume that the only mothers who work are those who don’t want to skimp, don’t know how to budget, or who want more than the most basic material things. That may be true of many, but it is just not true of many others and to make a general statement to that effect is just ignorant of the realities of many people.

I hope that the quote I provided didn’t make you think that I’m suggesting working mom’s are greedy. I think that with the low level of salaries (relative to past generations), society has actually made it much less likely that a husban could provide for his family.

The situation you lay out above, of your sisters and many others, is not being condemed by myself, that quote, or really anyone else I recall posting on this thread.

I do think if people are getting a boat, gaudy jewlery, a new car every 3 years, etc… then they had better be investing that heavly in loving and forming their kids as well. But if mothers need to work to pay rent, to provide adequate clothing, to pay old debts, and most basic stuff, I think that it’s very important for the mother to go to work.

Doesn’t mean she is greedy. Does’t mean her husband is a bad provider. It’s life, we rarely see things go perfectly.

 

[kage_ar]

Just so you know, my husband is a great provider. He provides by caring for our home and our son while I work.

Not every family fits in the 1950’s Leave it To Beaver mold

 

[KCtheMommy]

LOL our boys are a HUGE help in the garden but you know the litter box still has to be cleaned, the toaster unplugged and cleaned, etc. etc. etc. One thing about big families is that there is a lot of extra work and so lots of chores to assign to different family members. And so you don’t think I am more efficient than what I really am, I have honestly not ever really gotten caught up on laundry.

I am down to only about 6 loads behind! Hahahaha