R
Rau
Guest
What is your background, and what culture are you referring to?
How do his family get on with you?
Is your family in the picture?
Multicultural? Age gap? Social class? Faithful and non-faithful? What has caused my 3,5 years relationship to end? Please contribute
- Status
How do his family get on with you?
Is your family in the picture?
X
Xantippe
Guest
You sound like you’ve had to be his mom.
Keep looking until you find a man who is ready to be your husband, not your son.
Keep looking until you find a man who is ready to be your husband, not your son.
S
SuperLuigi
Guest
It can be like when the woman is older than the man in the relationship.
L
Lilalli
Guest
I was born in Brazil but have Italian heritage hence my Catholic values. My family is unaware that we have been cohabiting since my father had in the past prognosticated failure due to my partner’s lack of religious aspirations and his father’s serious mental health - hoarding developed after being abandoned by mother during the fifties when single women were separated from their children as marriage values were still valued as important. His mother’s Irish Protestant inclinations do not contribute to the picture. Although they do not have any religious values they had mentioned on some occasions the fact that my boyfriend would deeply disappoint them should he convert to Catholicism. This happens during the time she, is mother was undergoing cancer treatment at the very early stages of our relationship. As to comfort his needs I suggested him going to the church with me, and so he did. He in fact kept accompanying me for some time but stopped a few months ago when we had another serious fight and he left our place for two weeks. I never stopped praying but I must admit that most recently with my work and study commitments I have neglected my spiritual needs which has clearly contributed to this chaos I found myself at the moment. I work with a Catholic school but once again the days are so busy there that sometimes I even forget that I work in a place where Christ Body’s is kept. I am very proud and believe that i can hold all together with God’s help. i am stupid. I neglected my faith, I moved in with a non-Catholic, stopped going to the church and was hoping that everything would be just perfect. Far from it…I dont recommend anyone to follow my choices as now I am unable to even eat and have a normal life. I am devastated because he walked away, and very concerned because my inability in concentrating in my studies (I have two important papers due and have even read enough or started writing them)…I REALLY wish he was able to see the big picture and turned his heart to the wonderful life we could have together should we got married… It is just too hard to let go and accept ‘he is not the One’…too hard oh God.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
When both parties are over 25, I wouldn’t say age is the issue. Maturity is the issue, and it remains to be seen whether this fellow will *ever *achieve it. There are some people who don’t have the maturity needed for marriage at 26 and get it later, especially these days, but there are also many who just don’t ever grow up enough to do their part to make a good marriage no matter how much younger or older the person they date might be.
The kind of person who hopes he or she can get by on the maturity of the person they marry without having to mature personally isn’t that rare, though. That does not work, and someone trying to do that should be avoided like the plague.
R
Rau
Guest
I think it is EXTREMELY unlikely that a decision to marry would result in a big change. It is probably a blessing that he did not, in a moment of bliss, propose to marry. The established patterns would surely return, and you would be permanently miserable, with much reduced options.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
You did a foolish thing; get past it and do not beat yourself up. Do get past the wish that he could be different than he is. He is what he is. Look for someone that is not a “fixer upper”, but who will make a good husband without overcompensation from you.
Eat, even though you do not feel like it. Forgive yourself, even though you do not feel like it. Work at what you need to do as much as you can, plus a bit more. Push yourself just a bit, then take care of yourself. You’ll be closer to normal every day.
Do get past him, though. You can do it; just get through one day and its duties at a time. Hang in there! You have dodged a bullet, but I don’t think anyone realistically expects you to feel like that now. Do what you have to in order to do each days work, and spend as much time as you can with mature people. You can do this!!!
S
SuperLuigi
Guest
S
SuperLuigi
Guest
The main issue I see here is that you made too compromises (your faith) to be with this guy.
I think what I am starting to see is that being away from him during this short time so far is enabling you to see what is really going on.
I understand how hard this is for you and it will not be easy. If at all possible, you may want to talk to university counseling and see if there is a way to get some of these academic deadlines extended. I know you weren’t married, but if you were in a situation where you were living together, maybe they would understand.
I want you to be able to come here and talk as much as possible, but it will also help you to get back into the Church and regain your faith.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
S
SuperLuigi
Guest
I can see how that might here. It’s hard to explain, but someone with OCD can appear to very mature if he/she is academically focused and seems to be more prim and proper on an average date.
Unfortunately, that can seem more like a mask as the relationship progresses and will eventually have to come off
A person with OCD or something like Aspergers can be an extremely intelligent person.
But sometimes what is lacking are social skills. Being ready for marriage requires good social skills.
Someone who denies or downplays something like OCD may not even be seeing reality in the same way as “normal” people do.
Trust me, having someone around who denies they are sick and won’t get the proper help can be a real drag to be around in an important relationship.
That’s my concern with the OP on this forum, and I’m not taking this lightly. I know exactly what she is going through.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
The OP does not seem to be dating a mature man, let alone an especially mature one, so it is a moot point. You may not concede that the creature I’m talking about exists; I concede this guy is not it.I can see how that might here. It’s hard to explain, but someone with OCD can appear to very mature if he/she is academically focused and seems to be more prim and proper on an average date.
Unfortunately, that can seem more like a mask as the relationship progresses and will eventually have to come off
A person with OCD or something like Aspergers can be an extremely intelligent person.
But sometimes what is lacking are social skills. Being ready for marriage requires good social skills.
Someone who denies or downplays something like OCD may not even be seeing reality in the same way as “normal” people do.
Trust me, having someone around who denies they are sick and won’t get the proper help can be a real drag to be around in an important relationship.
That’s my concern with the OP on this forum, and I’m not taking this lightly. I know exactly what she is going through.
L
Lilalli
Guest
I was born in Brazil but have Italian heritage hence my Catholic values. My family is unaware that we have been cohabiting since my father had in the past prognosticated failure due to my partner’s lack of religious aspirations and his father’s serious mental health - hoarding developed after being abandoned by mother during the fifties when single women were separated from their children as marriage values were still valued as important. His mother’s Irish Protestant inclinations do not contribute to the picture. Although they do not have any religious values they had mentioned on some occasions the fact that my boyfriend would deeply disappoint them should he convert to Catholicism. This happens during the time she, is mother was undergoing cancer treatment at the very early stages of our relationship. As to comfort his needs I suggested him going to the church with me, and so he did. He in fact kept accompanying me for some time but stopped a few months ago when we had another serious fight and he left our place for two weeks. I never stopped praying but I must admit that most recently with my work and study commitments I have neglected my spiritual needs which has clearly contributed to this chaos I found myself at the moment. I work with a Catholic school but once again the days are so busy there that sometimes I even forget that I work in a place where Christ Body’s is kept. I am very proud and believe that i can hold all together with God’s help. i am stupid. I neglected my faith, I moved in with a non-Catholic, stopped going to the church and was hoping that everything would be just perfect. Far from it…I dont recommend anyone to follow my choices as now I am unable to even eat and have a normal life. I am devastated because he walked away, and very concerned because my inability in concentrating in my studies (I have two important papers due and have even read enough or started writing them)…I REALLY wish he was able to see the big picture and turned his heart to the wonderful life we could have together should we got married… It is just too hard to let go and accept ‘he is not the One’…too hard oh God.
C
ccmcmg
Guest
I’m sorry the timing is so close to Christmas.
One thing that is hard to learn is this: you can’t make someone love you. It doesn’t matter if they are family, next door neighbors, or a man you’ve fallen head over heels for.
If you can, try to read your posts from another perspective; being honest, what would you tell a friend who just told you all of that? In a day or two, perhaps you can be more objective. What would you tell a sister, your best friend? Or even a stranger on the internet?
Don’t make excuses for his bad behavior…no matter how much you love him.
I know this is all easier said than done, but you will be glad in the long run, I hope. Also, if this is the type of person whom you’ve chosen before, ask yourself why. Yes, I’m very blessed, but I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, too, and I’m so glad they didn’t work out.
Even if you both were the most awesome people in the world, even if one of you loved the other more than you thought possible…if it isn’t 100% a two way street, there are going to be problems, and if the street only runs one-way, it’s going to be even more difficult.
While you can’t make someone love you (the way you deserve to be loved and treated) remember that God loves you 100%, thoroughly and completely.
God bless and keep you.
Christina
One thing that is hard to learn is this: you can’t make someone love you. It doesn’t matter if they are family, next door neighbors, or a man you’ve fallen head over heels for.
If you can, try to read your posts from another perspective; being honest, what would you tell a friend who just told you all of that? In a day or two, perhaps you can be more objective. What would you tell a sister, your best friend? Or even a stranger on the internet?
Don’t make excuses for his bad behavior…no matter how much you love him.
I know this is all easier said than done, but you will be glad in the long run, I hope. Also, if this is the type of person whom you’ve chosen before, ask yourself why. Yes, I’m very blessed, but I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, too, and I’m so glad they didn’t work out.
Even if you both were the most awesome people in the world, even if one of you loved the other more than you thought possible…if it isn’t 100% a two way street, there are going to be problems, and if the street only runs one-way, it’s going to be even more difficult.
While you can’t make someone love you (the way you deserve to be loved and treated) remember that God loves you 100%, thoroughly and completely.
God bless and keep you.
Christina
- Status