Must prior abuse be mentioned to a current boyfriend?

[angela02]

Does my friend need to tell her boyfriend that she was raped when she was little by a close relative? She really likes her boyfriend but does not want her boyfriend to think of her differently. She also feels that, by not telling, it could keep her away from temptations such as sex before marriage. My friend is doing all right. She is getting good grades on her exams, doing great at work. So she feels no one else needs to know about it.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

A boyfriend need not be told such a thing unless and until such time as there is serious discussion of marriage. I will say though that any man who would treat badly a woman who has suffered sexual abuse, or who would dream of using the knowledge that she’d been raped to pressure her for sex, is someone your friend should dump immediately. Such a man would himself be an abuser, and not entirely different from the one who harmed her previously.

That said, when two people are seriously discussing the possibility of marriage, this is something that needs to be brought up and worked through. The potential husband has the right to know about prior abuse that may become a factor within the context of their marital relations. For example, a woman who has suffered sexual abuse may be doing fine in the absence of any current sexual relationship, but may suffer problems when facing the prospect of engaging in marital relations. A man has the right to know beforehand that he will need to be particularly gentle and mindful of his wife’s needs in such a situation.

If your friend reaches the point in her relationship with a boyfriend that marriage is a possibility, I encourage her to speak to a counselor experienced in issues of sexual abuse for help in working through this with her boyfriend. Your friend could contact either the Pastoral Solutions Institute or the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) for assistance or a referral to a counselor in her area.