My boyfriend is agnostic... should we stay together?

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Lisbeth1234

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Hello friends! Im new here but I need some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. I meet him when we were studying our masters degree abroad. I really love him, theres no one Ive meet like him. We get a long really well and we act like kids most of the time and its really fun and it feels good. But the thing is Im a virgin and he is not. He had some trouble understanding what chastity meant for me but I actually think he is doing his best to understand. But heres the thing Im catholic and he is agnostic.

He joins me in mass and sometimes we even prayed together. This all means so much for me.

Today he confessed me that he had multiple sexual partners (i thought the only person que had sexual relationship was his long time girlfriend… i guess i was wrong). It bothers me because sex for me is a very important thing. And I know I cant judge him, only God can do that and that Ive sin also and made mistakes (multiple). Im starting to believe thar our differences are way too many and that this is not the path I should follow. Please I need an advice from catholics…

Hope you are doing good :
 
The best thing you can do is pray. Nobody can tell you what the right choice is, but ask God to reveal His will to you. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you need to stay with them and marry them. It is okay to have standards for a life partner. If you don’t believe he strives for chastity or other virtues that are important to you or wants the same future, maybe it is best to let go. You don’t have to decide immediately since that is what dating is for, finding out. Just don’t let him change your values while you discern if there is a promising future together.
 
Hello and welcome!
I’m wondering about your phrase “we act like kids most of the time”. May I ask how old you are?
 
Thank u!

Ive been praying for it but i get confussed all the time. But you are right Ill keep praying on it.
 
Would you trust him to raise your children? To follow Catholic teaching on marriage and family? To raise the children as Catholics?
Would you trust him with your life savings?
Does he have a steady job? If you were to get married, how would you handle child care?
How does he deal with his family? Your family?

Is he someone that would sacrifice his own time, money, hobby, interests for your kids?
You don’t have to answer these questions to us, just things to think about.
I would be very careful about marrying a non-Catholic. Having said that, I myself was agnostic until about the age of 38. 😆
 
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Hey Jen! Thanks… well I actually I do trust him in everything (thats the thing… he is almost perfect haha) with the raising of catholic children I get scared sometimes because I know he would let me teach them but I know he likes to have debates so… if you are not too sure about your faith… i have trouble at times debating him. But im still sure in what I believe.
 
First up, probably better to talk to a trusted Catholic priest about this, who knows you and can provide you with context-specific counsel.

That said, by default my take on such a scenario without knowing further specifics is:
  1. It is generally ideal to only marry a fellow practicing Catholic: to be evenly yoked, and to both agree about which direction is ‘forward’ (so that both of you, sincerely trying to move in the directions you each believe are ‘forward’, aren’t tugging each other in different directions). You want someone who will propel you deeper into God’s arms – not risk dragging you out of them. Basic approach I’ve heard is: Run towards God as fast as you can. Then, look around and see who’s keeping up with you. Those are the people to enter a relationship with (whether friendship, dating, etc). And I’ve heard repeatedly that years after marriage, even if they still love each other, it is very common for both the Catholic and non-Catholic spouse to agree that the Catholic spouse should have married another Catholic instead.
  2. If you’re already dating a non-Catholic, an agnostic is at least in theory better than a decided atheist… but is still a risky proposition, because he hasn’t landed on a conclusion yet, and may still go down a very different path. See #1. What are the factors in favour of this relationship? Those would have to be pretty strong, in my view, to justify dating a non-Catholic. You’ve mentioned having fun, acting like kids, and it feeling good. Beloved daughter of God, those are good things – but they are not an adequate reason to move forward into a marriage relationship. Remember that marriage means (probably) kids: suppose you die in childbirth. Do you trust this man to raise your kids Catholic after you’re gone? To teach them to love God with all their hearts? Do you think he’s moving in the direction of being able to do this, and that you’d feel confident about it before marriage to him? Or do you think that if you disappear from the picture, he’ll lead your kids in a different direction, because he himself, be default, wants to move in a different direction, and was only ever ‘doing the Catholic thing’ for you? Or, suppose you don’t die in childbirth, but after a few years of marriage the initial ‘feelings’ fade (of ‘fun’, ‘feeling good’, and ‘acting like kids’ – the responsibilities of life can drain those things away pretty quick). Will you still admire him? Like him as a person? What are his virtues? How does he treat others (e.g. when he’s happy versus when he’s angry; when he has something to gain from them, and when he doesn’t). You’ve mentioned how you feel around him… but not anything about his character traits.
 
Lisbeth1234 said:
I really love him, theres no one Ive meet like him. We get a long really well and we act like kids most of the time and its really fun and it feels good.
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This is nice and good in a relationship. In marriage, is does wax and wane over time. It is more important to develop aspects of communication, understanding, respect, and agreement in the areas you will share for a lifetime: view of what marriage means, finances, children, intimacy, and on and on. Enjoy each other now, but also openly talk about these. If his past is something you can’t let go and forget, it will always be a problem.
 
  1. As a general rule, I would not advise a person to hold past sexual partners against someone. I have past sexual partners (from before I was Catholic). That said… you don’t. You are a virgin, and are preserving your chastity, and that is a beautiful thing. I don’t know if, by default, I would recommend you pair off with someone whose life experience in this area has been so different – and especially because you haven’t indicated that he’s had his eyes opened on this yet (e.g. by learning about Theology of the Body and agreeing that it’s more beautiful than what he’s experienced in his past). It’s by no means unworkable to have a relationship with someone whose past includes sexually active relationships – but you mention that chastity and sex is very important to you (good!) and something about the way you say it, makes it sound to me like you suspect he’s, well, not suddenly jumped onto the same page as you, about it. And while I don’t blame him for it (we’re all on paths to God and reach different benchmarks at different times, and he has probably been immersed in culture and beliefs that are utterly opposed to Catholic marriage norms and beliefs)… this one seems potentially risky for you. Because honestly, some men don’t ‘come around’ on this, and it’s also true that these experiences can carry baggage. I mean, first up, hopefully this is obvious, but… please don’t ever let him pressure you (including emotionally) into physically arousing intimacy prior to marriage. By default, he may consider that part of a dating relationship, and eventually push boundaries. That cannot be part of his relationship with you. And I might also suggest talking to him about whether his history of multiple past partners reflects some cultural belief he’s internalized, about the importance of sexual ‘variety’, and try to have a non-accusatory, but honest, conversation about whether he feels capable of committing to a single woman in the sacrament of marriage, for life. No more sexual ‘variety’. (He might feel uncomfortable or attacked by this (like, “Are you suggesting I might cheat on you?!”, so maybe try to be gentle in how you raise it, if you do raise it as a topic. But I mean… I know men, personally, who sincerely believe in ideas like “Humans aren’t meant to be monogamous”, and it’s really important to get to the bottom of whether someone has a thought like that lurking in their thought processes. E.g. why did his previous relationships end? Did they leave him, or did he leave them? Is there a pattern?)
I don’t want to say too much more unless you add more, just because I don’t know you, and details matter. And not all questions might be the right ‘fit’ between the two of you; only you may know. And you never know; with God all things are possible. But that doesn’t mean we throw ourselves into an unhealthy situation unnecessarily. God loves you and wants you to be happy and well in EVERY way (including by your closest relationships drawing you closer to Him). Do you see this man, realistically, being part of that?
 
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Thank u 🙂 we have talked about tob a little but since his not catholic… makes things difficult. He has told me he kind of understands the chastity and thats hes feeling oddly good by living this way. He actually does believes in marriage and family. And hes a great person… and like you said i thing our upringing has been very different. But yes I often wonder if this is whats good for me (and even for him).
 
Lisbeth1234 said:
He has told me he kind of understands the chastity and thats hes feeling oddly good by living this way.
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It sounds like God is doing good things for this man through you, whether He ultimately means for this man to be your husband or just a friend! Praise God!

I just wanted to drop in someone else’s advice here, too (Fr. Mike) who made an upbeat video on this topic in 2018. 10 minutes, he addresses the question of “Can a Catholic Marry a Non-Catholic”. I imagine you may already be aware of plenty of what he says – but just dropping it here in case it offers you more food for thought, considering the way he shares it. Again, this isn’t a ‘sin’ question – but, as Fr. Mike says, a question of wisdom. This will probably be an ongoing discernment for you, and again, I’d suggest perhaps discussing with a trusted priest, if you’re really struggling over anything.


Also Jackie Angel is pretty cool.

 
Lisbeth1234 said:
Today he confessed me that he had multiple sexual partners (i thought the only person que had sexual relationship was his long time girlfriend… i guess i was wrong). It bothers me because sex for me is a very important thing. And I know I cant judge him, only God can do that and that Ive sin also and made mistakes (multiple).
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I totally understand why it bothers you… at the same time, it’s isn’t a dealbreaker. While chastity is important, people make mistakes. Our weak human nature often gets the best of us.
Lisbeth1234 said:
He has told me he kind of understands the chastity and thats hes feeling oddly good by living this way. He actually does believes in marriage and family.
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That’s a very good sign!!
 
It is a good sign… But I wouldn’t overdo it on the optimism. We don’t actually know either person (or their relationship) in real life, and I’d feel very uncomfortable if we Internet-nudged someone into throwing their heart and soul into a relationship that ultimately is not the right fit (especially if there’s a temptation to ‘missionary dating’ involved; like, the well-meant hope that maybe we’re in someone’s life to bring them to the faith… but jumping on that can involve the risk of that person dragging us out of our faith, or at least diverting us from other goods that we might have achieved with a partner who authentically supports our faith life from the firmness of their own faith life).

I don’t necessarily want to Internet-nudge her out of it, either… But just speaking from my own experience, being in love with a man who was more optimistic about his ability to change than his actions ultimately proved… I would lovingly advise that she avoid bonding her heart to this person too much, while she’s still trying to figure out whether it’s wise to proceed with a marriage (and all that involves) with him. Otherwise the heartbreak can be pretty painful, and ending a relationship can be harder (and drag out longer) than it needs to.

So, really trying not to nudge either way, on this one. And I hope she both takes it to prayer, and talks with trusted people who know her in real life (e.g. a trusted priest; trusted Catholic friends who know them both; family), to offer her any more context-appropriate thoughts that we may just not know to offer from here.
 
MNathaniel said:
And I hope she both takes it to prayer, and talks with trusted people who know her in real life (e.g. a trusted priest; trusted Catholic friends who know them both; family), to offer her any more context-appropriate thoughts that we may just not know to offer from here.
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Right. This is the most important thing. Those who know her can help out much more than random people on an Internet forum.

Though based on what the OP has said here, there is some room for (cautious) optimism. But ultimately, she’ll have to figure these things out over time in her relationship and with the help of those who are close to her.
 
Five months is not very long to have known a guy to be making any sort of long term commitment decision.

Also, most 31-year-old non-religious people in our society today, and even a lot of 31-year-old religious people, have had “multiple sexual partners” already. Unfortunately, that’s how society is. It does not always mean they are incapable of forming a committed relationship with one person. If that were the case, then many of the happily married/ partnered people I know wouldn’t be happily married/ partnered.

However, you indicate that you’re a little surprised or disturbed by the fact that your boyfriend has had a number of partners, and between that and his agnosticism, it sounds to me like this is not the best match for you and you would be better off seeking someone who is either a virgin like yourself or has had only a very few partners. The reason why people with multiple past partners can make happy, settled marriages is they meet somebody else who for whatever reason (sometimes similar history, sometimes just not thinking it’s a big deal) can set that aside and say, “past is past, let’s focus on our future together”.
 
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