My brother and his girlfriend are destroying our family

[CelloLuv123]

Any advice or guidance would be great

I am 27 my brother is 21 and we live together with my mom who is 58. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago that was spread all over her bones. She was in a terrible relationship with my father who was a hoarder so we all got an apartment and my mom divorced my dad. We don’t have much contact with him.

Our family needs to be strong with my mother’s illness and all we do is fight. A lot of it goes back to my brother and his girlfriend. They have been together 2 years and about a year into the relationship, I discovered an online blog his girlfriend wrote about howstupid my family is, calling my mom the “c-nt with cancer”. My brother thinks everything is fine because she apologized to him and deleted the blog. I have also caught her telling him on the phone to “dump your mom on your sister”. My mom pays his share in the apartment because he’s in school but he works 4 hours a week and spend the rest of the time playing video games and disappearing for extended periods of time. When my mom had a serious surgery Friday, my brother went to Detroit with his girlfriend and turned his phone off. My mom doesn’t want to cut him out completely because shes afraid of dying and not having him there. But Im going to absolutely lose my mind. His girlfriend is not allowed at our house but past that nothing has changed. He does not help with moms care and I’m overwhelmed with the stress of it because I’m alone and I know it will only get worse because my mom is still driving and working and things haven’t gotten as bad as they will my boyfriend helps my mom more than he does.
Thanks

 

[1ke]

God bless you.

I suggest you talk to the people at the hospital where your mom is getting treatment to see if they have a counselor you can talk to.

There are no answers for you as long as your mom insists that your brother live at home and mooch off her.

All you can change is you, so maybe talking to a counselor can bring you peace.

As to help for your mother so you are not doing it all, talk to the social worker at the hospital and maybe they can find free or low cost resources to help.

 

[Kontrak]

 

[midori]

Your brother may be 21, but he has no maturity. He’s just a kid. That’s not an excuse, but it’s an explanation.

What do kids do? Kids aren’t worried about others. They’re focused on themselves, what they want to do, and what makes them happy. When faced with adversity-- like a mom with cancer-- some kids rise to the occasion, accept responsibility, and contribute like adults. And others hide from it, disappearing and leaving the burden on others, and continuing their childish selfishness.

Perhaps your brother is genuinely clueless. It doesn’t occur to him that you need help, or that he can contribute. Perhaps he sees you and her handling things just fine-- surgery and all-- and it doesn’t occur to him that his presence or his energy or just being filial would be a welcome contribution. Maliciousness may or may not enter into it.

Your brother has never been forced to grow up-- being 21 (you don’t mention being a student?) and only working a four-hour workweek and having everything provided is one example of how he’s avoided having to function like a normal adult would. His thoughtless girlfriend reflects his own thoughtlessness. Your mom’s generosity, although it’s very sweet, isn’t doing him any favors in helping him continue to avoid responsibility, as he’s not manifesting any innate inclinations in that direction.

Your mom-- especially with her own troubles-- is unlikely to change direction in how she handles him at this point. And it would be out of place for you to hijack her authority. On the chance that your brother is merely clueless, you might try to spell out exactly what you need him to do, on an item-by-item basis, one thing at a time. “I need you to take mom to this appointment at X address on Y day at Z:30 p.m.” “I need you to go to the pharmacy and pick up A, B, and C.” “I need you to clean the kitchen tonight.” Do it in front of your mom so that all three of you are on the same page. Make him agree, and if he doesn’t, ask him specifically what it is that he’ll be doing with his time. With luck, if your brother hasn’t been willing to cooperate out of a sense of responsibility, your brother will cooperate out of a sense of not wanting to look like a fool for wanting to (play video games) (run off with his girlfriend) (hang out at the 7-11 until 3 a.m.) instead of assisting with a perfectly reasonable request for a hand. Don’t overwhelm him with a laundry list of things he could be doing to help out. Make him focus on successfully accomplishing one single task at a time. It’s easier to avoid a generic, “I need help!” than it is to avoid a specific, “I need you to put away your laundry.”

You’re doing well yourself. After seeing what my parents went through caring for one parent with dementia, and another parent with Alzheimer’s, I have an immense admiration for those who are able to step up like that.

:grouphug:

 

[Carlan]

God bless you.

I suggest you talk to the people at the hospital where your mom is getting treatment to see if they have a counselor you can talk to.

There are no answers for you as long as your mom insists that your brother live at home and mooch off her.

All you can change is you, so maybe talking to a counselor can bring you peace.

As to help for your mother so you are not doing it all, talk to the social worker at the hospital and maybe they can find free or low cost resources to help.

KE,'s council is good, we can only change ourselves.Continue with God’s love in your life, he will give you the strength for all that you must do to love your Mother in all that you are able during this difficult time. Pray for your brother, ask God to love and enlighten him and for yourself,the
'Serenity Prayer" , God grant me the grace to accept things I cannot change:
Courage to change those things I can and,
The Wisdom to know the difference.Amen.

Peace, Carlan

 

[Ysara]

Any advice or guidance would be great

I am 27 my brother is 21 and we live together with my mom who is 58. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago that was spread all over her bones. She was in a terrible relationship with my father who was a hoarder so we all got an apartment and my mom divorced my dad. We don’t have much contact with him.

Our family needs to be strong with my mother’s illness and all we do is fight. A lot of it goes back to my brother and his girlfriend. They have been together 2 years and about a year into the relationship, I discovered an online blog his girlfriend wrote about howstupid my family is, calling my mom the “c-nt with cancer”. My brother thinks everything is fine because she apologized to him and deleted the blog. I have also caught her telling him on the phone to “dump your mom on your sister”. My mom pays his share in the apartment because he’s in school but he works 4 hours a week and spend the rest of the time playing video games and disappearing for extended periods of time. When my mom had a serious surgery Friday, my brother went to Detroit with his girlfriend and turned his phone off. My mom doesn’t want to cut him out completely because shes afraid of dying and not having him there. But Im going to absolutely lose my mind. His girlfriend is not allowed at our house but past that nothing has changed. He does not help with moms care and I’m overwhelmed with the stress of it because I’m alone and I know it will only get worse because my mom is still driving and working and things haven’t gotten as bad as they will my boyfriend helps my mom more than he does.
Thanks

I feel for you completely… I know what you are going through… I have been there… the only difference between us … is that My mom died 7 years ago… But both me and my sister do not speak to or have any communication with my brother… I have to say this… He is the most selfsih… self-centered… self-absorbed person I have ever met in my life… My brother loves only himself… and I am not saying that lightly… he has cause untold pain in the family… destroyed the family home… left me to pay all household bills… but worse than even all that… hsi attitude and manner are agressive and very nasty… I would go as far as to say cruel… He almost reduced me to suicide, We had to sell the family home at a loss in order to get rid of him… Him and his girlfriend held dinner parties less than a month after my moms death… in our house!!.. I was in so much grief after Mom’s death I didn’t know what day it was… and I was constantly accused of being anti social … Heck … I could write a book about this guy…

All I can say for now to you is… hang in there… be with your Mom… and seek help… please do not let your brother pull you down… I know your Mom wants him to be there for her too… but hes not… My brother sat outside the operating theater with his girlfriend rather than be with his dying mother… and during the wake … ge stayed in bed and smoked dope saying his head could not take it… I no longer acknowledge him as my brother … nor does my sister…
You will be in our prayers… We know what you are going through :hug1::console:

 

[Xantippe]

Midori has a lot of good advice.

When I was 15 years old, my mom had cancer. I did A LOT of housework–cooking, laundry, dishes, etc. I also tried to get my younger sister to help, mostly unsuccessfully. Looking back, I’m afraid that it might have been rather stressful for my mom to have to listen to my efforts at getting my sister to help. (I don’t think any permanent damage was done to my relationship with my sister, fortunately. She was a kid at the time. My mom recovered.)

Think of it as a gift to your mom to not argue with your brother about this stuff in her hearing and I agree with the other poster that you shouldn’t have any expectations of your brother.

That said, I think you should make regular appointments to meet your brother when your mom is not anywhere around and discuss what he is going to do to help. Keep calm, explain what you are doing, give him a list of things that need to be done, and ask him what he would like to contribute. Even working more and bringing in more money would be a good outcome. I bet you’re not rolling in money. Check in with him at regular intervals and review each of your contributions. Be prepared to give a lot of reminders and don’t let him take high-urgency tasks that will cause chaos if he screws up. If he doesn’t stick with his side of the agreement, have another meeting. If this doesn’t work, find a third party (your pastor?) to have a meeting with.

In any case, don’t stress your mom out by putting this on her plate. Try to achieve a peaceful and festive Christmas season, but don’t kill yourself putting it together.