My brother's marriage in jeopardy -- PLEASE HELP

[James_2_24]

My brother and his wife have been married a little over a decade now. They are still a young couple (mid-thirties) with two young kids.

For the past years their marriage has been rocky, with many arguments and disagreements. About 2 years ago this lead his wife to seek comfort with another man. She started to have an affair with this man emotionally if not physically. She spent many hours on the computer chatting with him and some on the phone. Obviously, this was the beginning to a huge problem in their marriage that is still ongoing (2 years later).

As time went on it seemed that this other man was no longer a factor and the healing process was underway. However, just the other night, she admitted to my brother that she has indeed fallen in love with this man and it is a feeling that she has never felt for anyone before in her life. Furthermore, the love for this man had increaased. She says that she cannot help her feelings and if given the opportunity she would rather be with him. When mention of how this will affect the kid’s lives she says, “I have seen other kids get through a separation of parents before and come out just fine”. In reference to her feelings she says, “How can I help it if I am in love with this man? I can’t control my feelings. If would be unfair to stay in this relationship if I have these feelings.” When telling her that to go for this other man would constitute adultery she just responded, “I am fully aware of that”.

Please help!

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

James, I would tell your brother to get a dang good attorney and fight for custody of the children. Maybe if she realizes she may loose her children she will snap out of her “feelings”.

 

[Island_Oak]

I agree with Lily, but aside from that, exactly what do you hope to accomplish here? To steal a line from Dr. Laura–you have no power here. This is not your marriage nor can you get in and either fix or fight the battles for the parties involved. You do yourself no favors by taking sides or pointing fingers (esp. in the event they pull the marriage back together.)

It must be terribly frustrating and painful to watch from the sidelines as your brother and his kids suffer through this episode of insanity on his wife’s part. I would also imagine there is great sadness created by the betrayal and loss of a sister-in-law you may have been close to/fond of at some time in the past. My best advice: make yourself available to help with the kids. Create opportunities to be with them…invite them to a movie, have them over to dinner, even overnight if possible. They will welcome an escape from the tumult of their own home and both your brother and sister-in-law will appreciate some down time as well as the care and love shown to children they both care for and whom neither (deliberately) want to hurt. This effort might also preserve your ability to interact with the kids in a future worst-case scenario of the wife leaving and getting to take the kids with her.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

There may be one piece of advice you might extend to her. She owes it to her husband and to herself to figure out what went wrong the first time before she bails out. Time and again I have heard people say they would never have left their first marriages if they had really understood what was going on in either themselves or their mates. Divorce is a huge step. She owes it to everyone involved not to rush into it, or away from a ten-year union with two kids.

Your brother would not be out of place to consult an attorney in addition to a marriage counseling. As for you, providing a secure and carefree place for the kids during this time (where both parents are respected at all times) would qualify you as a saintly, loving aunt, indeed.

 

[JMJ_Pinoy]

Retrouvaille:
[retrouvaille.org/](http://www.retrouvaille.org/)%between%

 

[dhgray]

There is a great Catholic Family Ministry called Couples for Christ (CFC). They helped save my marriage.

 

[momof8]

“There is a great Catholic Family Ministry called Couples for Christ (CFC). They helped save my marriage.”

It would be great if your brother and his wife would look into Retrovaille, CFC, or, as another resource, MarriageRecovery.com. It is true that none of this matters, though, if your s-i-l really is blind to the needs of anyone but herself.

I am currently going through a divorce from a man who “just wasn’t happy” and felt the kids would be happier if he were happy. If she will listen to one word of caution on divorce: No matter what she wants to tell herself, her selfishness will cause incredible suffering for her children. Divorce is emotional violence against children, and they do not deserve it.

For everyone’s sake, I hope your sister in law grows up in time to save her family.

Sharon

 

[Meggie]

if the wife does go off help your brother gain custody of the kids…my aunt did that and one of their four children went to live with his dad…of his sibilings he is defenatly FAR better off.