My cousin (the priest) and my ex (the seminarian)

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danjiri

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I have a cousin who has been a parish priest for over 60 years. He heard (from various) family members that my ex-boyfriend is in seminary and called to speak with me about it.

I cried through the whole conversation because I ended up citing the reasons he is ill-suited to the priesthood. Cousin George agreed. (The reasons include an abusive, bullying personality; a lack of empathy; untreated depression; shouting; quickness to anger over tiny things; discerning secretly while with me; etc.)

Cousin George asked me to contact someone in the ex’s archdiocese or at the seminary and tell them all the stuff I had just told him. I got off the call moved and convinced to do so. My cousin was really gentle but quite adamant and a little shocked.

The next day a friend asked who “coming forward” would benefit. Certainly not me. The seminarian might benefit if he can get some counseling. He also might get kicked out. The seminary could benefit from the “red flag” I could provide.

What would you do? I’ve stayed quiet for two weeks. George will likely call this week. Can I say, “Thank you for your valuable advice, and I love you, but …”?
 
danjiri said:
I have a cousin who has been a parish priest for over 60 years. He heard (from various) family members that my ex-boyfriend is in seminary and called to speak with me about it.

I cried through the whole conversation because I ended up citing the reasons he is ill-suited to the priesthood. Cousin George agreed. (The reasons include an abusive, bullying personality; a lack of empathy; untreated depression; shouting; quickness to anger over tiny things; discerning secretly while with me; etc.)

Cousin George asked me to contact someone in the ex’s archdiocese or at the seminary and tell them all the stuff I had just told him. I got off the call moved and convinced to do so. My cousin was really gentle but quite adamant and a little shocked.

The next day a friend asked who “coming forward” would benefit. Certainly not me. The seminarian might benefit if he can get some counseling. He also might get kicked out. The seminary could benefit from the “red flag” I could provide.

What would you do? I’ve stayed quiet for two weeks. George will likely call this week. Can I say, “Thank you for your valuable advice, and I love you, but …”?
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You have your advice.

The thing is, which advice would you take more to heart. That of your cousin who knows you and who you know or some anonymous advice though the internet?

All I could add is that if you have a spiritual director you speak with them, or maybe your pastor.

But, IMHO, I think you have the best advice possible and you now what you need to do.

Do you try to rationalize a way out of this or look for an excuse out.
 
My family doesn’t think I should come forward. Because the seminarian was abusive, it’s very hard to revisit that relationship (hence the tears). I never would have told George if he hadn’t asked. So you can see why this is hard.
 
I also think that you’ve had very good advice from a family member with an insider’s view.

My daughter faced a similar situation (not a boyfriend, but a longtime male friend) several years back. She knew that this young man was seriously troubled psychologically, was an active homosexual, and suffered from deep depression. When she found out that he was in his first year of seminary (she had been away at college) she was horrified; it was clear that the screening process had failed miserably. (This young man was also front and center at every big liturgical celebration at our Cathedral.)

She contacted the bishop (who knew our family fairly well) who seemed surprised, but the next thing we knew, this young man was no longer in the seminary.

Just think ahead to the time when someone as abusive and troubled as your ex is in a parish…

God bless.
 
How long ago was your ex-boyfriend abusive to you? Good seminarians change as they are discerning. The defects in their character give way to God’s will, and the people grow in holiness and virtue as they discern their vocation.
 
m134e5 said:
How long ago was your ex-boyfriend abusive to you? Good seminarians change as they are discerning. The defects in their character give way to God’s will, and the people grow in holiness and virtue as they discern their vocation.
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The key here is “good” seminarians; sadly, there are many cases where this does NOT happen.
 
It’s been 1-1/2 years since I last saw him. He calls and writes (“misses” me but still finds reasons to shout). I don’t permit him to – saying gently that I am hanging up.

He doesn’t sound all that changed. More depressed, maybe. He’s still totaling his cars, for example.
 
Try to make an effort because US and all countries need holy Priests and not people like you are commenting.
 
dixieagle said:
The key here is “good” seminarians; sadly, there are many cases where this does NOT happen.
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Yes, and I would definitely talk to someone in the diocese about how the seminarian used to act if I were the original poster. If they know him to be different now, then maybe he has reformed. If not, then maybe this will end with someone who should not be a priest not becoming one.
 
You know what, if your cousin feels that this call should be made, he should be the one to make it.

If I were you, I would tell this to your cousin and let him make the decision.

The main reason I would not make such a call is out of concern for safety. Your ex sounds like an unstable person, past abuse, reckless behavior (how is he totalling cars, drugs, alcohol?), he still calls you to say he misses you.

He sounds like he doesn’t have a lot going for him, he sounds unstable. If you call his superiors to let them know and they kick him out, he might well turn on you, blame you, and decide that you need to pay.

The men who are in charge of the seminary can decide on their own if he is fit to be a priest. If your cousin really feels they must know, well he can let them know.
 
… Not to mention that calling them will be pointless. If it comes down to it and they confront him with the information you provided, he might well say “oh, that’s my crazy jealous ex who hates the fact that I left her” and they would feel it’s their moral duty to judge the man as they know him, not as his ex describes him.
 
danjiri said:
I have a cousin who has been a parish priest for over 60 years. He heard (from various) family members that my ex-boyfriend is in seminary and called to speak with me about it.

I cried through the whole conversation because I ended up citing the reasons he is ill-suited to the priesthood. Cousin George agreed. (The reasons include an abusive, bullying personality; a lack of empathy; untreated depression; shouting; quickness to anger over tiny things; discerning secretly while with me; etc.)

Cousin George asked me to contact someone in the ex’s archdiocese or at the seminary and tell them all the stuff I had just told him. I got off the call moved and convinced to do so. My cousin was really gentle but quite adamant and a little shocked.

The next day a friend asked who “coming forward” would benefit. Certainly not me. The seminarian might benefit if he can get some counseling. He also might get kicked out. The seminary could benefit from the “red flag” I could provide.

What would you do? I’ve stayed quiet for two weeks. George will likely call this week. Can I say, “Thank you for your valuable advice, and I love you, but …”?
Click to expand...
I don’t know your ex, but my parish priest told me something interesting. Many of the young men growing up around him had angry and coarse personalities, but after they went to seminary, they became some of the best priests. Perhaps or perhaps not this applies here.

The bishop will not, or should not, ordain him until the bishop sees that he is a fit candidate for ordination. If he’s studying at a seminary for several years, his superiors ought to have more than enough time to pick up on these traits. Your cousin priest seems to notice these traits as well, and it sounds as though your ex’s superiors are aware of the fact as well.
 
Madaglan said:
Your cousin priest seems to notice these traits as well, and it sounds as though your ex’s superiors are aware of the fact as well.
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They don’t seem to be. Back when we spoke more frequently, I asked if he had told/confessed about his treatment of me, other GFs, drivers, coworkers, etc. He hadn’t.

Thank you all for your advice. Like the last (very similar but anonymous time) I asked for it, I will come forward.
 
You should come forward - here are my reasons:
  1. There are too many scandals in the Church today - would you be able to handle it if you could have prevented another…(BTW- I think one is too many)
  2. Telling someone may get him the help he needs. If he was acting this way and courting a girlfriend of yours I hope you would tell her or her family. Well think of it like this - he is discerning marrying God - who I am sure is first and foremost in your heart.
  3. Even if he does still become ordained he may not be put in a Parish - he may have other opportunities presented him such as doing historical research, etc. There are many priests who do not give mass.
I know you said this is what you were going to do - I wish you luck.
 
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