My dad or my husband

[kristina40]

I would like others (name removed by moderator)ut on my current situation. My dad has been in various hospitals since the 4th of February. Seems like we have 2 steps forward and 4 steps back continuously. My parents live within 30 miles of my husband and I, but since we live in a rural area, my dad has been in hospitals 2 - 3 hours away. Consequently, I have been home during the week - except when I get calls from my mom that dad is having another setback and the prognosis doesn’t look good - then I make a mad dash to get to the hospital…Currently, my dad is in a facility in the same town where my sister lives, so at least I have a place to stay when I go visit - and Mom is able to be there as much as possible with Dad. (Mom has only been home once in the 90+ days since this all started).

Like I said, I am home during the week, so I can go to work, do laundry, take care of my family, etc. Then on Friday night I head to whichever facility my dad is currently in, and spend the weekends visiting dad and offering my support to my mom. She has been fortunate enough to be able to stay with family or low fee facility housing - so I don’t have the expense of motels, just food and gas. I come home on Sunday night and start all over again.

I know my husband and teenage daughter are tired of being left alone on weekends - my husband isn’t able to go with me because of our livestock, and my daughter has mild ADHD, so she gets to bored and impatient sitting in hospital rooms all day. I feel like I need to be there for my parents - and to give my sister support as well - since now she is “responsible” for getting my mom to the hospital, etc. Am I being unfair to my family and trying to take on too much? We have been told that it is likely my dad will never get to go back home, we just don’t know how long his body is going to hold up in his battle with infections/illness.

If I don’t make the trips on weekends, I feel like I’m abandoning my parents, but if I do go, I feel like I’m neglecting my family. My husband tells me it’s okay that I “do what I need to do…” but that just makes me feel guiltier! Any suggestions on this matter would be appreciated.

 

[Em_in_FL]

That IS a very difficult and trying situation. I’m so sorry you’re faced with this type of conflict.
I would open your lines of communication as much as possible - remind your family how much you want to be with them - tell them you feel bad for not being there. I think having that piece of mind that “Mom’s in a tough spot” rather than “Mom abandoned us again” is achieved through good communication.
Also, try to find weekends when dad is doing OKAY to stay home… even if it’s once a month. Focus on the family and make it a MEANINGFUL weekend.

It’s a really tough thing to balance, especially with the long distance - you have my sympathy and my prayers. I’d just take it day by day and pray that God leads you to make the right choices on a week by week basis.

 

[maryjk]

Your husband is right. You are where you need to be right now. If he understands, truly understands, then he is passing that feeling on to your children.

I am in a similar bind. Both of my parents have health problems. They are in the process of moving closer to me. Since I have a hard time getting to them. They are currently a two day drive away. Soon they will be about 10 minutes away. So they will be a big part of our lives.

My husband is being very supportive. He knew that when we got married, I was the daughter of someone. He knows I wasn’t hatched from an egg. All parents age, most will need help at some point. And it sounds like your husband knows that too.

 

[SMHW]

If I don’t make the trips on weekends, I feel like I’m abandoning my parents, but if I do go, I feel like I’m neglecting my family. My husband tells me it’s okay that I “do what I need to do…” but that just makes me feel guiltier! Any suggestions on this matter would be appreciated.

When we marry we make our spouse and family but our first priorities.

BUT…

We still have the responsibility to honor our parents and visit them and make sure they are cared for when in need. Right now your parents and sister need you to be physically present on the weekends more than your husband or daughter need you to be physically present. It is only for a few days out of the week and will probably be for a relatively short season of time (even if it doesn’t feel that way now.)

Your husband must be a gem.

In the grand scheme of things you are absolutely not neglecting your husband and daughter. In fact you are probably helping them to grow. If your immediate family experiences some minor discomfort due to your just absence you shouldn’t feel you must alleviate it all. It’s OK to feel sad that you aren’t doing more for your husband and daughter but you shouldn’t be feeling guilty. (I trust that you would be home with your husband and child if something important was going on there.)

Prayers for you and all your family.

 

[catherinette]

I would like others (name removed by moderator)ut on my current situation. My dad has been in various hospitals since the 4th of February. Seems like we have 2 steps forward and 4 steps back continuously. My parents live within 30 miles of my husband and I, but since we live in a rural area, my dad has been in hospitals 2 - 3 hours away. Consequently, I have been home during the week - except when I get calls from my mom that dad is having another setback and the prognosis doesn’t look good - then I make a mad dash to get to the hospital…Currently, my dad is in a facility in the same town where my sister lives, so at least I have a place to stay when I go visit - and Mom is able to be there as much as possible with Dad. (Mom has only been home once in the 90+ days since this all started).

Like I said, I am home during the week, so I can go to work, do laundry, take care of my family, etc. Then on Friday night I head to whichever facility my dad is currently in, and spend the weekends visiting dad and offering my support to my mom. She has been fortunate enough to be able to stay with family or low fee facility housing - so I don’t have the expense of motels, just food and gas. I come home on Sunday night and start all over again.

I know my husband and teenage daughter are tired of being left alone on weekends - my husband isn’t able to go with me because of our livestock, and my daughter has mild ADHD, so she gets to bored and impatient sitting in hospital rooms all day. I feel like I need to be there for my parents - and to give my sister support as well - since now she is “responsible” for getting my mom to the hospital, etc. Am I being unfair to my family and trying to take on too much? We have been told that it is likely my dad will never get to go back home, we just don’t know how long his body is going to hold up in his battle with infections/illness.

If I don’t make the trips on weekends, I feel like I’m abandoning my parents, but if I do go, I feel like I’m neglecting my family. My husband tells me it’s okay that I “do what I need to do…” but that just makes me feel guiltier! Any suggestions on this matter would be appreciated.

I am in my mid-twenties, and for the last ten years, I have watched my parents deal with the same struggle of trying to care for elderly relations while also trying to find enough time to be at home. When my sibling and I still lived at home, there was times when we weren’t happy that one or the other of our parents were so often away, but ultimately, we both understood that we had no right to demand they neglect their duty to their parents to be with us. We were old enough to take care of ourselves, after all. Although at the time I wasn’t always happy about the situation, I also recognized how important it was for my parents to take care of their parents; and ultimately, they taught me a very important lesson about what it means to love someone unconditionally. If they had said, “Sorry Mom, I can’t visit you at the hospital, I have to spend time with my family instead,” then I think I would be looking back now, and be a little disappointed in them for making that decision. Instead, they have given me an example to follow.

 

[kristina40]

Thanks for your responses - it is reassuring to have positive feedback. Sometimes as we go along we feel we are all alone. I was truly thankful for catherinette’s post as I was hoping to get responses from family members that have been “on the other side” (the spouses, children) of this issue; as well as responses from those who have, or are, going through similar ordeals.

Maryjk, I pray your parents’ move is positive for all of you. I know that I never fully appreciated having my parents so close - until now when they seem so far away! I don’t know if I could have ever moved across the country from them!