My Dilemma

[august1002]

I fell in love with a girl last year, a catholic girl; eventually another guy (who had a girlfriend) began contacting her, badmouthing me to her friends, and wanting to date her. I became angry, and made the worst decision of my life. I fabricated a story. I told her he emailed me; the email wasn’t vulgar or threatening, but was enough to make her view him as a loser. She confronted me, and I lied several times about it. I initially did it because I loved her and was afraid of losing her to his persistence. I then lied because I knew if she found out I faked the message, the relationship would be over. She has trust issues anyways, having been lied to by others in the past.

I went to confession, told the story, obtained absolution. I love this girl; she loves me. For months we have gotten along very well. However, I still feel guilty. My dilemma is this…Sometimes I think I should tell her. However, I know that if I do, she will be absolutely devastated, and it would affect her work, etc. She has a history of depression and had a rough time with it. Sometimes I think I should keep my mouth shut and continue with the relationship, which, other than this issue has been a good one. The priest told me that God had forgiven me, and that if I thought I could deal with the guilt, I could continue the relationship without telling her.

I know I made a huge mistake. For months I’ve felt like the worst human being on the planet, so please don’t judge me; I already know I did a horrible, horrible thing, and I’m paying for it with my guilt. I just was curious as to what other catholics thought of the situation. Thank you, God bless you

 

[George_Stegmeir]

You can’t build a relationship based on a lie. Your best bet is to “fess up” to her. Let her know why you did it in plain, unvarnished terms. It is the mature thing to do.
If the girl really likes/loves you, she will forgive you. However, being female, she may make your life a misery for a while, but she will come around.
If she doesn’t forgive you and is the sort of person who is swayed by the opinions of so-called “friends”, you are better off without her. There are too many other catholic girls who are more mature for you to woo.

 

[Trishie]

Additional thoughts in a PM sent to you.
May God bless you.

 

[fred_conty]

As the priest said, your sin is forgiven. But it dosen’t sound like this is the problem.
You haven’t forgiven yourself, you can’t absolve youself even tho God has done so.
Your misery will continue until you find a way to do this.

There is another consideration as well. If she might find out on her own what happened.
The curtain might come down hard. If there is little chance of this, then this could be
ignored.

Maybe if you wait for at least a while before you tell her if you do deceide to do this.
Time has a way of killing the memory and feelings.

But noone can really tell you what to do. It is up to your decision because you are the
one who will bear the results.

 

[promethius]

I fell in love with a girl last year, a catholic girl; eventually another guy (who had a girlfriend) began contacting her, badmouthing me to her friends, and wanting to date her. I became angry, and made the worst decision of my life. I fabricated a story. I told her he emailed me; the email wasn’t vulgar or threatening, but was enough to make her view him as a loser. She confronted me, and I lied several times about it. I initially did it because I loved her and was afraid of losing her to his persistence. I then lied because I knew if she found out I faked the message, the relationship would be over. She has trust issues anyways, having been lied to by others in the past.

I went to confession, told the story, obtained absolution. I love this girl; she loves me. For months we have gotten along very well. However, I still feel guilty. My dilemma is this…Sometimes I think I should tell her. However, I know that if I do, she will be absolutely devastated, and it would affect her work, etc. She has a history of depression and had a rough time with it. Sometimes I think I should keep my mouth shut and continue with the relationship, which, other than this issue has been a good one. The priest told me that God had forgiven me, and that if I thought I could deal with the guilt, I could continue the relationship without telling her.

I know I made a huge mistake. For months I’ve felt like the worst human being on the planet, so please don’t judge me; I already know I did a horrible, horrible thing, and I’m paying for it with my guilt. I just was curious as to what other catholics thought of the situation. Thank you, God bless you

This, I think, is in the realm of transferrence. Is there some good for her to know? Would it change things and she’d end up happy and settled with this other guy?

Or would we flip the coin and say that you feel guilty, and you want to assauge this guilt by telling her something that is reasonably trivial? Your wanting to tell her kind of sounds like a desire for transference of the issues you’re having on to her.

In other words, I’d personally bin this one and not fess up (of course, that’s because you’ve made the situation appear very not serious here… all of this might be hogwash if you’ve whitewashed your story for our benefit)

 

[Joe_5859]

I’d listen to the advice of your priest over any of us.

I don’t know that I’d say your relationship is based on a lie. Certainly, you lied at the outset in order to increase the likelihood of wooing her. But you didn’t lie about yourself. If you were married and divorced and didn’t tell her, that would be basing your relationship on a lie. This lie only seems to be tangentially related to your relationship.

You really have to ask yourself why you want to come clean. Frequently, we want to come clean only to assuage our own guilt rather than because it is truly best for the offended party.

Nonetheless, if – as the priest implied – you cannot handle the guilt, then you may need to tell her. If it is something that weighs down on you with no relief and you think about it everytime you’re together, then it would be quite difficult for you to really grow in your relationship with her.

If that’s the case, then you’ll just have to take your chances and tell her – emphasizing how truly horrible you feel and how much you deeply regret it.

I will pray for you as you discern the best course of action going forward.