My Eighteen Year Old Daughter Is Being Encouraged By Her Mom To Drop Out And Get A GED

  • Thread starter Thread starter lonegreywolf20
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

lonegreywolf20

Guest
My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.

That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.

She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.

She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.

I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.

Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.

She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.
 
At 18, you have to start letting go and allowing more and more freedom. That doesn’t mean no rules, but it does perhaps mean negotiating new rules. Not “my way or the highway” mentality.

It’s normal for teens this age to push back and to want additional freedoms. Perhaps instead of “no boyfriend” it becomes “no dating on weeknights, limits on how much time they spend with boyfriend versus other friends, and grades have to remain acceptable.”

Tel your daughter how proud you are of her accomplishments and that you want to support her to achieve all her goals and dreams. Education is the gateway to getting where she wants to go. Tell her you love her and are willing to work with her on house rules. Tell her your super strictness has been out of love and concern for her and if she goes back to school you are willing to listen to what she has to say and work on rules that you can both live with.
 
She know longer lives here with me. She is 1200 miles away.

I understand that at 18 they should be given more and more freedoms and I was loosening some, but the no boyfriend thing was a non-negotiable thing. I saw what happens when she had a boyfriend and I know what happened in the past in NY.

What I say about the rules no longer applies as she is no longer in my home. What I say from 1200 miles away has no bearing on what goes on up there. Never has and never will.
 
If she doesn’t move back with you then keep the dialog open and ask her what she wants to do. Not what you and mom want, but what does she want to do— now and in the future (college, trade school).

Ask her to make a pro and con list of graduating vs getting a GED. Ask her to talk to a guidance counselor at the high school or junior college about the diffenrce between a diploma and a GED.

And then accept whatever decision she makes and continue to support her. While disappointing to you, a GED hardly condemns her to a life of poverty. She can still go to school in the future if she wants. She can still get a job. While finishing high school would be a good idea, it’s really not the end of the world if she gets a GED.

This isn’t the hill you want to die on.
 
That’s not going to happen. The her coming back. She doesn’t want to come back. She has even said I need to stop caring about her because it is just easier that way.

My response was that’s like telling me not to breathe, that isn’t going to happen. All I got back in response was, “can I go now?”

I try to keep the dialog open, but she doesn’t want the dialog. She rather just blame me for everything wrong in her life. I of course take it and tell her that I am here for her always.

The guidance counselor tried talking to her the Friday before she left to go back to NY. Explained it would be better for her to graduate. That she only has six months left. My daughter didn’t care to listen and wanted what she wanted and that is all.

My thing about a GED is that from her mom down, no one has graduated other than me. I don’t want her to fall into the same pattern. Her older brother failed the GED test and now cannot get a job even at McDonald’s. He works a paper route that his grandmother has to drive him for. If she fails that, she will not be encouraged to take it again by no one other than me. That won’t be good enough for her.

I will still try to guide her, but it always falls on deaf ears.
 
Last edited:
Time to let her face the consequences of her decision, then. She may come to regret it - and if she does, she knows you will be there for her. Sometimes people simply have to go through the fallout from their actions to properly understand what it is they’ve chosen.

Ask her what it is she wants to do. Don’t nag her, just listen to her plans. And support them as best you can.
lonegreywolf20 said:
That’s not going to happen. The her coming back. She doesn’t want to come back. She has even said I need to stop caring about her because it is just easier that way.

My response was that’s like telling me not to breathe, that isn’t going to happen. All I got back in response was, “can I go now?”
Click to expand...
Bear in mind she’s still immature with plenty of growing to do. She can be rude to you and dismiss your feelings because she knows you will still love her and be there for her. It’s “safe” for her to do so - she knows you’re not going anywhere. Of course, that doesn’t give her the right to speak to you that way.
 
Can she pass the GED? Is she registered to take the GED? My eldest sister took the GED rather than finish high school for personal reasons, but she knew that she would be able to pass the GED with no issues and she did get a job right away and started college in the fall. While I can understand your preference for seeing your daughter actually graduate, is getting her GED part of an actual plan, or is she just giving lip-service to getting one “some day”?
 
That is a good question and one I don’t have an answer to as far as paying lip service. I’m also not sure if she could pass the GED test.

She doesnt talk to me much right now preferring me not to talk to her at all. I’m surprised she even told me anything at all to be honest.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top