My elderly mom helped a teen get an abortion

[bunnyofhonor]

Mom is 81, she’s a very proud agnostic professor and she knows everything (in her opinion).

I found out she went with an 18 year old to the abortion clinic. The teen was helping her with household work (essentially a part time job doing stuff for my mom). My mom wanted to abort my brother prior to 1973 and even suggested I abort her future grandchild.

I feel very uncomfortable around her, extremely disturbed about her behavior and she sees nothing wrong, thinks she is right and that it’s ok to assist someone to abort their child when it’s not even someone she knows well or has any business counseling on a life altering (ending) decision that will leave her scarred for life.

She wants to “hang out” with me, but I just don’t like being around her and she is dreadful about criticizing everything good and promoting or rationalizing evil things.

Can I just avoid her? She’s very lonely and my dad passed a year ago.

 

[Kathleen18]

Does she need to be assessed for Dementia? An 81 yr old woman should not be going to an abortion clinic. I understand that she is Agnostic and does not have the same Catholic beliefs. Have you told her how you feel?

 

[bunnyofhonor]

I feel that she is declining and bad judgement, but I also believe that she would have done the exact same thing each and every year of her entire adult life if presented with the same situation.

I told her how I feel, and why, but the rationalizations were getting louder and louder, she can argue a case like a lawyer, and you end up either agreeing with her or pretending to agree with her just to make it end. Again, this is her same behavior for as long as I can remember.

I’ve tried never to spend time around her because the cruelty and inability to accept differing opinions, even valid ones, on virtually every topic.

Often, I feel she disagrees and argues just for the attention, arguing that violence is justified by terrorists and that sort of thing.

If any of this were new behavior I would think dementia but it’s been lifelong.

Perhaps she is a high-functioning savant with psych-social problems

 

[Kathleen18]

I’ve tried never to spend time around her because the cruelty and inability to accept differing opinions, even valid ones, on virtually every topic.

Often, I feel she disagrees and argues just for the attention, arguing that violence is justified by terrorists and that sort of thing.

That is not normal healthy behavior. Talk to your Priest about getting help for you and her.

 

[QwertyGirl]

So first thing, I would suggest you should evaluate whether or not you want a relationship with your mom. Try to set the abortion issue aside. If the answer is “no”, then I think you leave it there. You should let your mom know why you aren’t going to have a relationship with her anymore and then move on. I would feel bad for you if this is the case. You say your mom is a know-it-all and pro-choice. It would also appear she is not the most thoughtful person if you know she wished to abort your brother. That isn’t something a mother has any business sharing with her children.

If you decide you do want to have a relationship with your mom, you need to sit her down for a heartfelt conversation. You need to explain to her that you are against abortion. You should let her know you understand she is pro-choice and that she is entitled to her beliefs just as you are to yours. Then, and this is the most important part, you need to let her know you are establishing some boundaries with regards to this issue. You don’t want to discuss any abortion based issue with her, and you don’t want her telling you about anything she does or has done related to abortion. You need to tell her you find it too upsetting and it isn’t necessary she discuss this part of her life with you. Then you need to tell her what the consequence will be if she doesn’t respect the boundary.

As to the problem of her being a know-it-all, well that is what moms do sometimes. There is nothing wrong with telling her you don’t need her advice on whatever is being discussed. If she is agnostic, and you Catholic, the chances are that you aren’t going to agree on most matters of substance. My mom is at a similar age and we have the same issue. The conclusion I finally came to is that we don’t have to discuss matters of substance. Our relationship is based on what most people would consider superficial matters… The cost of a gallon of gas, which shoes goes best with that skirt, and how many different kinds of birds she has recently seen at her birdfeeder. It is a great relationship, and one I wouldn’t forfeit for anything. I guess I had to get to a point where I was OK with the fact that we weren’t going to be heart-to-heart close. We shop together, have lunch, I go to her house and help her with chores she can no longer do. But we don’t ever have values - based discussions.

Moms certainly aren’t perfect, but most of us love our kids and want the best for them. Maybe just remind yourself of that and it will help with the sting of dealing with her when she is being difficult.

 

[bunnyofhonor]

I’ll begin with thanks for the Guidance which led me to this forum.

And thanks to the replies I’ve received (so far). Thanks everyone who has taken their time to submit thoughtful and helpful replies.

This is my first post, first question, and first experience interacting on this forum.

As you can imagine, from my question in the original (top) post, I was very upset, distressed and at the point where I did not know what to do, having trouble thinking clearly and the answers are helping me so much already.

Mom hasn’t been an “easy” mom to have and I’m lucky she gave me life, I’m very happy to be alive, to have kids (which she seems to greatly value and enjoy). My dad often indicated that she wasn’t the easiest person to live with, I can’t imagine.

Interestingly, the son she wanted to abort has been the most supportive and helpful child throughout their lives. His kids are their favorite grandkids, and such cute and good kids, funny, cheerful and smart. My mom can’t quite make the connection between failing to acquire her oft-requested abortion (doctor said No), and the presence of my brother and those amazing grandkids. Imagine.

There are 3 of us, of course if a 4th had been conceived it would surely never been carried to term because post 1973.

I know I’m rambling here, I guess I just kept it bottled up too long.

I think the suggestion to talk of the superficial is a very good one. It will be best to keep conversation as polite as possible between us.

But also feel that limiting (not seeking out) her company might also be best for my own peace of mind. She does have money, enough so that she should be able to hire help or live in an assisted facility if need should arrive.

Another thing iis she was a “hands off” mom, leaving me to fend for myself throughout childhood, alone on my own at 17, often I’d only hear from her a couple times a year, from what I can tell, dad made her call.

While grateful for life (she didn’t have a “choice”), I’m not sure my present decisions whether to spend time with her (or not) should be based on her extremely neglectful “parenting” style. My own life challenges and suffering could have been avoided by some fairly minimum support from mom and dad because I was exploited by men since I was alone in the world as a teen myself.

 

[TechieGuy]

You’re a grown-up, hang with who you want, don’t hang with who you don’t want.

 

[bunnyofhonor]

wow, your reply was powerful, and to the point.

It IS sickening and I was physically ill after hearing her boasting about the recent abortion, with all the authority and certainty that it was the right thing and even justifying her presence at the event. In my mind, the child (yes an 18 year old is a child because her prefrontal cortex has not finished growing yet), should have her decision be between herself, a doctor and the father, and maybe a mom and dad, certainly not a casual employer.

I do need a mother, but Blessed Mary will be the best Mother and my mom, unfortunately, has some serious problems and should not be interfereing with others in such profoundly cruel and irreversible ways.

Many thanks for your reply and taking the time to respond to me. As a new-ish Catholic, I’m feeling the sense of belonging as we are all looking out for each other.

I think I should keep my distance, as much as I can, superficial if and when necessary.

 

[BlueMantle]

I’ll just add to the other replies: keep your mother in your daily prayers. She’s not long for this world, and you are probably the only person in her life that knows her, that cares about her eternal soul.

God bless.