My elderly mother is depressed, how can I help her?

[CarrieH]

Dear Friends,

My dear mother is going through another bout with clinical depression. She will be 80 this year, and that is how old her own mother was when she died, so that might have something to do with it. Mom has a history of depression and was once hospitalized for it years ago, but she had been doing pretty well until recently. She is going through some of the usual sad but unavoidable losses of aging, such as the death of one of her friends and having another close neighbor-lady move into a retirement home across town. Mom tends to beat herself up about things, and I think she might be looking back on her life and feeling like a failure (which nobody else would think, but she is a major perfectionist). She keeps things to herself, esp. anything she thinks might make her “look bad,” but when she finally told me what was going on with her, I sent her to the doctor right away and they put her on Zoloft. It’s helping, but she hasn’t been on it long enough to really feel an effect. My father is still alive, but at almost-87, there’s only so much he can do to help her. To make matters worse, they are non-religious and don’t want to talk about spirituality with me, their oddball Catholic-convert daughter. I pray for their conversion, for Mom’s healing, and that this time might lead her to seek the Lord’s love, comfort, and forgiveness. We talk on the phone almost every day, and I try to offer a gentle, compassionate ear as well as practical suggestions for ways to cope (exercise, sleep hygiene, etc.). For those of you who have dealt with elderly parents, is there any more I can do to help her? Thanks in advance for any advice you might share.

St. Dymphna, pray for us!

 

[Island_Oak]

Do you live in the same place they do? Can you personally check in on them or is the phone your only means of contact?

It is good that her physician is involved. You may want to have him/her verify ALL the meds she’s on to make sure there are no side-effects that would include a drug-induced depression.

Some other things to consider…Are they well enough to exercise/walk–getting out can be a big help with depression. Are they able to visit you? Sometimes a change of scenery can do wonders. Do they seem overwhelmed with ordinary household tasks like shopping, cleaning, cooking–something simple like a yard/maid service or meal delivery might lessen the stress of those responsibilities.

At the end of the day you may not be able to “cure” your mom’s depression, but it sounds as if you are addressing both her medical concerns as well as trying to meet her emotional needs as best you can. It could be that her lack of spirituality is a factor here, but that is something only she can change or accept for herself.

 

[BeeSweet]

Do they have any pets? Sometimes pets can offer a great distraction from a person focusing on themselves and their own worries. Even a fish tank can offer some distraction, and lower blood pressure. An older cat or dog can be found at a shelter that’s already housetrained. It’s often that cats and dogs loose their owners to death and end up in a shelter. That particular scenario may touch your mom’s heart. A bird would also cheer up the place with peeps and tweets and all that, but they can be messy with feathers and seed flying around.

When I’ve suffered with depression in the past, and my mom can attest to the same, our dogs have always been our greatest friends and confidants. They may not get you out of depression, but they can certainly help get you through it.

I know pets are not for everyone though. Your mom is in my prayers. It’s really heartbreaking that some people who make it through a long life like hers end up at the end sad and depressed.

 

[CarrieH]

Thank you for your responses. I wish they would consider getting a pet, but after the last dog died (20+ years ago!), they said “no more animals.” Mom knows how much joy I get from my cats, and I have tried to talk her into getting a cat, assuring her that she would love it and that they are hardly any work compared with a dog.

Mom and Dad live past the outskirts of town about 30 minutes from me, so I stop by when I can. They don’t get out very much anymore (driving is an issue, although Dad still drives sometimes during the daylight hours when the weather is good). I think a big part of it is that Mom is feeling isolated. I encouraged them to look into the closest senior center and also the YMCA, which has a branch about 3 miles from their house. I also suggested to Mom that she might want to visit the Methodist church near them; she was raised Methodist before she quit going altogether, and there would be people there that she knows (of course I’d rather have her come to Mass with me, but that won’t happen, and Dad won’t go to any church). The last Methodist service I attended (last year) was very casual, almost like a social meeting with a couple of hymns and prayers, so it might be acceptable to her. Maybe I’ll see if I can find someone she knows who goes there, who might take her so she wouldn’t have to go alone. We usually have holidays at their house, so I’ll give Mom a break and offer to have Easter here instead. It would be good for them to get out (and then she can meet her new grand-kitty who is so cute that she’d have to want one of her own! ).

Good suggestion about the other meds – Mom has been on thyroid for years, so maybe her level is out of whack. I’ll bring that up when I talk to her tomorrow.

Thanks again for your caring and prayers.
Wishing you a blessed Holy Week,
CarrieH