My end to holiday hosting

[Weejee]

You sound like you are ready to go with the Eating Out solution. Good for you! No messy house to clean up with afterwards. You’ve seen everyone, and have treated your special relatives.

That will probably give you the most amount of happiness, and the least amount of bitterness against lazy people and cheapskate people.

Your in-laws sound like a trip. Have you ever discusssed their attitudes with your husband. (easier said than done. My late husband would defend his mother to the death.)

 

[schaeffer]

I’ve gone through the holiday “change of life” a few times over the decades.

Moves, divorces, marriages, traveling, and aging all play a role in who will be sharing the holidays. Though some people acted nearly apoplectic the first year of the change, swearing the world would stop spinning and the Christmas tree would go up in flames if everything wasn’t the same… every one survived.

By the second year no one had an issue with it, other than a bit of wistful nostalgia. People enjoyed the freedom of having options and NOT having to pick up the family and spend the holiday traveling, etc etc.

Do what you need to do. Everyone will survive. You’ve more than earned your rest.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have done everything I can think of the let these relatives know that they must start contributing to the holiday get- togethers and that it includes hosting some of the time, but my request have fallen on deaf ears.

Last year for Thanksgiving I invited all out to dinner (I made sure to find an affordable place) and made it clear it was Dutch treat. It ended up being my mom, a couple of the children who live with her and my husband and my grown sons. They all bowed out, even the in-laws. I was told the price 25 a person was too high.

32 years of hosting and somehow I’m the bad guy.

Well, yes, $25 per person is too high, compared to coming to your house for free. Hosting is too much work, compared to just showing up at your house after you have done all the work, instead. They’re only willing to come to these big get-togethers for as long as you’re willing to put up the time and money it takes. Otherwise, they’re going to fend for themselves with something a lot smaller than you are willing to do. Yes, they’re going to miss “the good old days,” but the good old days come at a price. If they don’t want to pay when their turn comes, the end of the era has come. That’s OK.

I would send out a note saying that unless someone else is hosting the tribe, you’re again taking your mother out for Thanksgiving, and need a head count for whoever wants to come. Give a deadline, and make those reservations very soon. It is getting very late to make reservations for a large group.

It is probably time for the family to split up into smaller family units for Thanksgiving–your cousins joining their parents and siblings, while your family and children have your own dinner. If someone wants to steal Grandma from you, that’s up to Grandma. For one more year, though, I’d wean them away from your largess. After one more year of low participation, quit sending mention of your Thanksgiving plans to your former guests.

As for Christmas, I highly recommend a quiet Christmas Day with your immediate family and a family potluck or a much more simple afternoon gathering later in Christmas week, if you are so inclined. You will think you’ve died and gone to heaven.

If someone wants to make you out to be the “bad guy” because you’re tired of hosting, too bad. Just say, “I tell you what. I’ve done it for over 30 years, and the last five have been essentially done by myself. You host us by yourself for five years or so, and then we’ll talk. In the meantime, as for me and my family, we’re going to simplify things.”

When will you see the big tribe, if you do this? Pick a Sunday in the summer and have a family reunion: a potluck picnic at a park with room for the kids to run around and have fun or something like that.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Thank you all for hearing my rant. It is mostly just in-laws and one set of cousins who are making the most fuss but offering no help . My 3 siblings and their children would prefer to have a joint Holiday but only my sister has a home that can host and she would rather not so She stopped attending 5 years ago. Her children still attend. Unfortunately, she did back out graciously, and also made me a bad guy. I forgive her for the nastiness and I understand she has a lot of issues but we no longer speak, her choice not mine, I tried to apologize.

The in-laws are way beyond my comprehension, lots of back-biting and truth be told, they want to prove that I am a horrible person. If they can treat me poorly and get away with it they are happy to do so. This is harder for me because I want justice or at least my husband’s support.
(My in-law problems are what drew me to seek people with similar problems on this website)

The male cousins are another problem. My Aunt , their matriarch is dead. I have included them because they have always been included because my Aunt was part of the Holiday dream team. But they have in the past 10 year grown have their own families and in-laws (which I have also hosted). It is the one cousin’s wife is the new self appointed matriarch of that group. She wants to keep the traditions up(she is very verbal about this subject) but she doesn’t want to do the work. She often makes promises to help and then forgets to fulfill them. She seems to me a person who likes to run things and she has many opinions about the family business, but when it comes to doing the things that keep extended family connected…?. I don’t mind being the one who does most of the giving but it’s become very obviously one sided.

I sometimes feel like a doormat, get angry at myself and then I accuse myself of being uncharitable.

I think your good advice is helping me to see that maybe I am not such a bad guy for backing out of Holiday hosting.

My last thought on this post is that I still love these relatives and wish the best for them.

Thanks to all. please continue to share with me if you like…

 

[Weejee]

You should start a thread about in-law problems and unsupportive spouses. That was one thing I suffered from when I was married. I bet a lot of people would respond! Maybe you’d get some support in your difficult situation.

 

[schaeffer]

I hope in spite of all this, you are get the opportunity to celebrate joyfully and peacefully with your close family.

Sometimes I think it is hard for the next generation to accept the reality that it is now their responsibility to carry on the traditions etc. It’s a resistance to growing up, aging, accepting things won’t always be like the holidays of their childhood etc.

I recall my husband having a very difficult time dealing with that.

It’s a process of coming to terms with life that we all have to go through. You are not putting it upon them or forcing anything upon them. It’s just life.

 

[LongingSoul]

I think your good advice is helping me to see that maybe I am not such a bad guy for backing out of Holiday hosting.

No of course not! Traditions are good when they serve their intended purpose ie. family unity and enrichment. Once they become a source of resentment, disunity and division… that’s a sign to let them go and begin new traditions that are more in keeping with the spirit of Christmas and family. Some families choose another less significant feast to make their family get together like a national long weekend that might have some family meaning. In a season where you can have a barby and everyone brings salad and dessert.

 

[lax16]

I understand how you feel - hosting is so much work. Someone once told me they solved this by meeting in a park (weather permitting) or a similar venue and everyone brought a dish. No clean up or decorating necessary.

Or everyone should take turns or do potluck as others have said.

 

[Weejee]

I understand how you feel - hosting is so much work. Someone once told me they solved this by meeting in a park (weather permitting) or a similar venue and everyone brought a dish. No clean up or decorating necessary.

Or everyone should take turns or do potluck as others have said.

Ahhhhhh, the lucky folks Down Under!

 

[AussieTrish]

Ahhhhhh, the lucky folks Down Under!

Yes! Another warm, sunny Christmas on its way! A family summer Christmas on the nearby island, beach, ocean dips, and cliff walks…not actually on Christmas Day, but near the date, as Christmas Day itself, immediate family and the solos rellies, ice-cream Christmas pudding and all that, and then on the negociated date, everyone brings something to the brother-in-law’s beach house veranda with decorations happily blowing in the sea breeze. In our extended family everyone brings some ‘dish’ (dishes). We all have our signature dishes, aside from anything else we might bring. It works well. Unless anyone’s dreaming of a white Christmas, but there’s usually too much fun and laughter.

I guess it wouldn’t be everyone’s ‘cup of tea’. The White Christmas would be a non-negotiable for many.

 

[LongingSoul]

Yes! Another warm, sunny Christmas on its way! A family summer Christmas on the nearby island, beach, ocean dips, and cliff walks…not actually on Christmas Day, but near the date, as Christmas Day itself, immediate family and the solos rellies, ice-cream Christmas pudding and all that, and then on the negociated date, everyone brings something to the brother-in-law’s beach house veranda with decorations happily blowing in the sea breeze. In our extended family everyone brings some ‘dish’ (dishes). We all have our signature dishes, aside from anything else we might bring. It works well. Unless anyone’s dreaming of a white Christmas, but there’s usually too much fun and laughter.

I guess it wouldn’t be everyone’s ‘cup of tea’. The White Christmas would be a non-negotiable for many.

Sometimes when we turn the air conditioning up full bore, the skinnier relatives might put a skivvie on for Christmas lunch. That’s as close to a White Christmas I’ve ever seen. :winter:

 

[epan]

You have done your fair share, and then some. It might be time for a new chapter, and you have no reason to feel guilty.

If you do want to host a holiday meal… and only if it is something that you want to do… then how about making it a potluck. You provide the turkey (or whatever cut of meat you usually have), and your guests bring the rest. That might cut the work down to a level that you feel more comfortable with. If you can afford it, then maybe splurge on a cleaning service to come in the day afterwards.

 

[lax16]

Ahhhhhh, the lucky folks Down Under!

I thinks these folks are in So Cal

 

[KCT]

For a variety of reasons, most holiday dinners are at our house. In general, no complaints. I ask people to bring sides, do dishes etc.

This year I will be busy around Thanksgiving and have told folks I will make the turkey, and anyone who wants to join us can bring whatever they want. I have no idea what we’ll end up eating, but in the end, who cares? It’s the getting together that matters.