My faith and my current struggle

[Xantippe]

Number 5 is where I would disagree with you on though. I want a home of faith obviously but I loved the girl so much that I would be willing to accept differences. Even some at home I would be willing to sacrifice. I just don’t know if she also would have. It is over, and now I realize that, but I am just saying, I thought love was enough for us to form a mixed-marriage or one that focused on the shared beliefs and not the ones we disagreed on during our relationship. Even a catholic marrying a catholic is not a guarantee of completely equal belief. Sure it may clarify things sometimes but its not a guarantee. I still believe in the bible where it says “Love does not boast” and also “Love can never fail”. Maybe ours failed, maybe not. Only God can tell me one day or at the last day.

It would be very oppressive for a non-denom person to live in a home filled with their Catholic spouse’s bric-a-brac, just as it would be oppressive for a Catholic not to have the comfort of their bric-a-brac: votive candles, crucifix in the bedroom, icons, statues, rosaries, chaplets, scapulars, medals, Advent Wreath, an Our Lady of Guadalupe on the back of the pickup truck, a St. Francis out in the yard, prayer books, etc.

I don’t think you’re correctly visualizing how difficult this sort of “compromise” would be in day-to-day practice.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

I’m just encouraging you to be more skeptical about the appearance of happiness. In some Protestant groups (especially non-denominational), not being happy just isn’t allowed. One is supposed to paste on a smile, no matter how much one is suffering inside. That is a view that one encounters among individual Catholics (including on this site), but it’s an explicit ideology in large segments of the Evangelical Protestant world.

Besides, we are not called to happiness per se. Joy in our salvation through Christ is not the same thing as feeling great all the time. We live in the Valley of Tears. To not acknowledge this reality is to present a false appearance of how things really are. Life is full of suffering. That doesn’t mean with the right disposition, we cannot embrace it and achieve a greater good and closeness with Christ but “always happy” implies “never sad,” which simply is not realistic.

I remember hearing some Protestant colleagues decrying the Passion of the Christ because they felt that Catholics obsessed over Christ suffering and death too much. Well yeah… But it is that “obsession” which truly shows us how much God loves us, and what we are each called to do. Christ was unlikely “happy” about having to be crucified, about seeing His mother go through it, or watching His closest friends abandon Him. He did not come to by happy though. If the world was already Eden, we wouldn’t have needed a savior to begin with.

 

[Bmelc]

Thank you for sharing, I am so sorry for what you are going through. What you said here is so beautiful, think about it. Then think about what a sacrifice you are making in order to give this same beautiful gift to your future children.

When you bring your broken heart to Jesus at Mass, when you bring your sadness to Jesus in Eucharistic Adoration, He sees you there, He knows you are doing this for Him. Your future children will have this too, your future children will also have this comfort of Mass and of Eucharistic Adoration all because of their unselfish father. Can you imagine a future where your children never made their First Holy Communion? Of course you can’t, to imagine that seems preposterous to you so you walked away. You walked away in part for the sake of your future children.

You could have compromised, you could have turned your back and told your girlfriend you would abandon the sacraments for your children but you didn’t. So now you are suffering. Many people abandon Jesus because they are lonely, because they want sex, many people turn their backs on Jesus for all sorts of reasons but look at you. You are a beautiful example of true faith in action and I can’t help but believe that God knows your heart and that God has wonderful plans for your life. Please be assured of my prayers and take care as best as you can. I hope you feel better soon.

Monicad,

I hear you but I just still don’t understand why non denominational churches mess people up? Why do they take good people like my ex girlfriend and make her believe in their interpretations and beliefs? It hurts to see this happening. It hurts to see my friends and family go in that direction. I know in the bible it says a house will be divided but why!? How can they also be judged? It hurts me and makes me want to pray for her more and more. I love that girl with my heart enough to die for her. It isn’t really getting easier as time moves on. I may have to ask a priest these questions but thank you for the guidance.

 

[Bmelc]

It would be very oppressive for a non-denom person to live in a home filled with their Catholic spouse’s bric-a-brac, just as it would be oppressive for a Catholic not to have the comfort of their bric-a-brac: votive candles, crucifix in the bedroom, icons, statues, rosaries, chaplets, scapulars, medals, Advent Wreath, an Our Lady of Guadalupe on the back of the pickup truck, a St. Francis out in the yard, prayer books, etc.

I don’t think you’re correctly visualizing how difficult this sort of “compromise” would be in day-to-day practice.

It would be, but I love the girl enough to say I would do it. I just don’t think she is willing too for me.

 

[Xantippe]

It would be, but I love the girl enough to say I would do it. I just don’t think she is willing too for me.

Or, to put it differently, she loves you too much to expect you to sacrifice everything for her.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

It would be, but I love the girl enough to say I would do it. I just don’t think she is willing too for me.

You say that now, but few people actually mean that. The flame that burns in you for this girl is no hotter than the flames most of else have felt. I had that same flame, powered by the heat of a thousand Alpha Centauri’s and twice as powerful as all the energy in the Motara Nebula, for a Protestant girl before I met my wife, and that flame allowed me to envision the sacrifices I’d be willing to make for her in marriage; luckily, I found out it was fueled by a faulty Bunsen Burner instead, and my wife turned off the propane.

Sacrifices are all well and good, but you will lose who you are if you give up that which truly forms you, and for Catholics, it should be that Catholic identity. I am not saying it cannot be done, but it cannot be done easily. And if you truly have the passion you believe for this girl, the pain of not being able to truly share your faith and its glory with someone who feel this passionate about should be excruciating and unbearable. If it isn’t, then likely your passion for one of them is not as high as you believe.

Thank you Xantippe. I appreciate the advice very much. However, as I just said in my previous post. I don’t want to segment to catholic girls in my life.

May I ask why not?

If I had my druthers, I’d never engage a non-Catholic again in any fashion (because they wouldn’t exist). If I had my druthers, the entire world would be baptized Catholics who spent time in prayer and supplication for our Lord.

That is how the world is supposed to be - everyone untied through baptism in Christ’s own universal Church. It is not reality yet, but the ideal.

So then what is the point of not seeking out God’s ideal for the world in our own little pockets of life? This is not an excuse to not evangelize, defend, convert, and model the Catholic faith for others as we should, but when it comes to dating and friendship, when someone is not Catholic, there is already a wedge that must be overcome on the most fundamental element of my life. Why start there if you don’t have to?

 

[Bmelc]

When a couple becomes one in marriage, if they are truly following God’s plan for the sacrament, they come together to worship Him and to bring His love into their marriage to fortify themselves in their love for each other. Each spouse sacrafices everything for the good of the other. You become helpmates for each other on your journey to see the face of God.

,

Bookbabe,

I want to believe that when we were together that we had agreements on these things you said here, but not all of the agreements were fully aligned; in particular our church.

We agreed on maintaining sex until after marriage, we agreed on that you have to love Jesus with your whole heart, mind, and soul and involve him in what you do everyday, such as prayer before meals, prayer together and reading the bible together. Even sin to an extent was agreed on, but the ways of being forgiven were not aligned. I just would say mainly that church, just church, was what stood in our way, along with where we would get married, and our kids, and even with this I would have compromised and saught out her option and later reconciled it with the church as you can do this to make it a valid marriage in sacramental form. Is this truly all of the things I wanted or predicted would happen? No. But I would sacrifice because love is about sacrifice.

I don’t know what her future holds. I still love her though as you can tell. Another girl has become attracted to me I feel in my life and is really befriending m over the past few months. I eventually befriended her because of how she is taking my mind off of the stress and anxiety I am facing at this time, however, I don’t want this to evolve into a relationship. Mainly because of how I am not ready yet and still have feelings for my ex. I really don’t ever ever want to put anyone through what I just went through.

I just can’t eliminate my ex out of my life because as you know I wanted to marry her and still do regardless of all of the suffering we both went through. I want to protect and serve her and the future possibility of a family. But I take your words to heart and look at what you wrote often.

I also don’t know what the future holds for me, but I just keep going and seeked grief counseling to help with my health.

 

[Bmelc]

I have faith in the church. I have faith and go back continually. But I loved this girl with my life. I don’t think anyone would understand that. She was my first love and all I wanted to love and live for besides my parents and family.

 

[Xantippe]

Bookbabe,

I want to believe that when we were together that we had agreements on these things you said here, but not all of the agreements were fully aligned; in particular our church.

We agreed on maintaining sex until after marriage, we agreed on that you have to love Jesus with your whole heart, mind, and soul and involve him in what you do everyday, such as prayer before meals, prayer together and reading the bible together. Even sin to an extent was agreed on, but the ways of being forgiven were not aligned. I just would say mainly that church, just church, was what stood in our way, along with where we would get married, and our kids, and even with this I would have compromised and saught out her option and later reconciled it with the church as you can do this to make it a valid marriage in sacramental form. Is this truly all of the things I wanted or predicted would happen? No. **But I would sacrifice because love is about sacrifice.
**
I don’t know what her future holds. I still love her though as you can tell. Another girl has become attracted to me I feel in my life and is really befriending m over the past few months. I eventually befriended her because of how she is taking my mind off of the stress and anxiety I am facing at this time, however, I don’t want this to evolve into a relationship. Mainly because of how I am not ready yet and still have feelings for my ex. I really don’t ever ever want to put anyone through what I just went through.

I just can’t eliminate my ex out of my life because as you know I wanted to marry her and still do regardless of all of the suffering we both went through. I want to protect and serve her and the future possibility of a family. But I take your words to heart and look at what you wrote often.

I also don’t know what the future holds for me, but I just keep going and seeked grief counseling to help with my health.

I’m glad you’re doing counseling.

About the sacrifice thing–love may involve sacrifice, but it shouldn’t involve either destroying the person you love or being destroyed by the person you love.

There are more than enough sacrifices involved in marrying a person where you basically agree with them on the important stuff. And no, you and your ex-girlfriend did not agree on the important stuff, and every passing year would have made that more and more painfully evident.

Also, come to think of it, if her particular brand of Protestantism is big on male headship and wifely submission, marrying a practicing Catholic man would have been fraught with difficulty for her (no matter how mild-mannered you are).

 

[AdamP88]

I would say it’s better to avoid mixed marriages. Unless she converts to Catholicism then you will never share that very fundamental thing with your spouse. The Church tolerates mixed marriages, but only under certain circumstances. It is generally strongly discouraged for Catholics to enter into a mixed marriage. It’s not as if the difference is superficial or just on the surface. Both of you would have completely different views about how you should live life. The Church, in discouraging mixed marriages, is looking after the souls of those involved. Any children in such a marriage would be constantly having to deal with confusion about which faith is right, mammy’s or daddy’s.
Even a devoted catholic dating someone who is lukewarm can bring a whole host of issues.

I’m sure you care about her and miss her but for the sake of your happiness I would make the faith a dealbreaker. If you want a catholic family…date catholic women.

Out of curiosoty, why wouldn’t you limit yourself to catholic women? There are plenty out there who are wondering where all the catholic men are.

This is a good article by Jimmy Akin, the CA apologist on the topic.
catholic.com/quickquestions/what-does-the-church-say-about-mixed-faith-marriage

 

[SuperHappy]

I understand that you love her and you’d be willing to sacrifice to be with her, but I don’t think you realize the extent of sacrifice you would be undertaking. You will be denying a large part of who you are and your children (even if she agrees to raise them as Catholics) will be influenced by your wife and her beliefs. If those are not in line with yours, you and your children will be in for a hard time.

I don’t understand why people who constantly claim to be Catholic and claim to want to have Catholic families don’t look for spouses within the Catholic faith. It makes no sense to date and marry someone who does not share your faith and then later on you’ll be complaining that you gave up so much for her and she didn’t do the same for you.