My father talks badly about me

[Musician]

…from what my sister told me yesterday. I am so hurt and upset!
Evidently I’m not a Christian because I drink wine (very much in moderation). He has always known this! I have never hidden that fact; actually he used to drink wine at meals himself, so what is this hypocrisy…
Also since I have converted to Catholicism he has not liked it. He thinks the Catholic Church is evil. I simply don’t understand this way of thinking.
He is 73 and not likely to change. He says mean things to my grown children and to my grandchildren occasionally. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. On Christmas Day he slammed out of my house in a huff because he saw that I gave each of my grown children a bottle of wine. I wasn’t trying to rub anything in his face (in fact he’d said he wouldn’t even be there and then just showed up). My kids happen to like wine also.
Mostly I feel really hurt that he is saying stuff about me to my sister. I mean, I live a mile from him, call and check on him daily, visit 3-4 times a week, never forget birthdays or holidays, etc. I am his only child to live within a thousand miles of him (with good reason, he’s hyper-critical). I try my best to be a good person and a good daughter. What gives?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

:hug1: Your sister should have kept it to herself. I am sure that you are a good daughter.

I walked in on my mom once, on the phone talking badly about me with my Godmother. I lived above her at the time. It hurt my feelings a great deal.

Your dad is fairly young still, but perhaps he might be losing his ability to filter his thoughts before they come out as words. If he was criticizing you to your sister, she should have tried to change the subject, or told him to stop. She shouldn’t have repeated it to you.

 

[KrazyKat]

You relate that your father is hyper-critical, I would just consider the source and let it slide.

 

[newf]

…from what my sister told me yesterday. I am so hurt and upset!
Evidently I’m not a Christian because I drink wine (very much in moderation). He has always known this! I have never hidden that fact; actually he used to drink wine at meals himself, so what is this hypocrisy…
Also since I have converted to Catholicism he has not liked it. He thinks the Catholic Church is evil. I simply don’t understand this way of thinking.
He is 73 and not likely to change. He says mean things to my grown children and to my grandchildren occasionally. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. On Christmas Day he slammed out of my house in a huff because he saw that I gave each of my grown children a bottle of wine. I wasn’t trying to rub anything in his face (in fact he’d said he wouldn’t even be there and then just showed up). My kids happen to like wine also.
Mostly I feel really hurt that he is saying stuff about me to my sister. I mean, I live a mile from him, call and check on him daily, visit 3-4 times a week, never forget birthdays or holidays, etc. I am his only child to live within a thousand miles of him (with good reason, he’s hyper-critical). I try my best to be a good person and a good daughter. What gives?

I don’t understand why YOU allow your dad to say mean things to your grown children and grandchildren. Really, why in the world do you allow it?

And why are you so surprised that he says mean things about you behind your back when you know he is already to mean to your family?

And why do you expect a rattlesnake to behave like a puppy?

I think you have your priorities mixed up. Your dad is a nasty old man. His choice. You seem to be so desperate for his approval. It’s really pathetic. I recommend you tell your dad there will be no more disrespect or he will find himself alone. And then don’t have him over. Don’t visit him. Sheesh. If he is well enough to storm out of your house, he is well enough to take care of himself. And your children would be amazed to see this kind of strength from you.

And have a glass of wine with a toast to ‘no more Mr. Scrooge’.

 

[robert_chacon]

He sounds like an angry, hurting man. Happy, loving parents dont generally criticize their children to their other children, our siblings. I know it hurts to hear him say critical things about you. But it sounds like HE is the one not acting very ,much like a Christian. He needs your prayers. It may be appropriate to simply let him know you love him, you love God and Jesus Christ His only Son as your Savior, but it hurts you that he is so critical of you, particularly to your siblings, and that you would like him to discuss issues he has with you directly with you alone. Beyond that, you should simply continue to be a loving faithful Catholic daughter, giving him the honor and love we are called to give our parents. Im praying for you and your father and your journey in the Church. God bless!

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Tell your sister to keep her news to herself in the future. Tell your dad to keep his nasty comments to himself also. Teach your grown children and grandchildren that gossip and detraction are rude and possibly sinful and something that we shouldn’t have to take and certainly shouldn’t dish out.

Since your dad is still pretty mobile and seems healthy, I reccomend that you continue to check on him, but limit your visits when he is acting or talking in a way that is mean or hurtful. You are a grown woman (a mother and a grandmother) and while you should be concerned about your father’s health, you don’t need to listen to his rants.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t understand why YOU allow your dad to say mean things to your grown children and grandchildren. Really, why in the world do you allow it?

And why are you so surprised that he says mean things about you behind your back when you know he is already to mean to your family?

And why do you expect a rattlesnake to behave like a puppy?

I think you have your priorities mixed up. Your dad is a nasty old man. His choice. You seem to be so desperate for his approval. It’s really pathetic. I recommend you tell your dad there will be no more disrespect or he will find himself alone. And then don’t have him over. Don’t visit him. Sheesh. If he is well enough to storm out of your house, he is well enough to take care of himself. And your children would be amazed to see this kind of strength from you.

And have a glass of wine with a toast to ‘no more Mr. Scrooge’.

I think the substance of this post is very accurate, but the tone is far from charitable. The OP is going to read this reply and I doubt her first thought will be, “Wow, I look so bad wanting approval from one of the people who helped create me. I should smarten right up and ignore him right now so I’ll quit looking so pathetic to those strangers on the Internet.”

It’s not pathetic to wish your father was more loving and less critical, even if it’s not likely to happen. It’s an entirely natural thing for a child to want, even if that child is an adult. It’s going to hurt that the OP doesn’t have it, and it’s going to hurt that another family member thinks it’s OK to pass along that information even knowing that it’s hurtful.

The OP should learn how to manage that for her own sake, but replies like the above don’t seem to me to be helpful in actually helping her accomplish it.

 

[newf]

I think the substance of this post is very accurate, but the tone is far from charitable. The OP is going to read this reply and I doubt her first thought will be, “Wow, I look so bad wanting approval from one of the people who helped create me. I should smarten right up and ignore him right now so I’ll quit looking so pathetic to those strangers on the Internet.”

It’s not pathetic to wish your father was more loving and less critical, even if it’s not likely to happen. It’s an entirely natural thing for a child to want, even if that child is an adult. It’s going to hurt that the OP doesn’t have it, and it’s going to hurt that another family member thinks it’s OK to pass along that information even knowing that it’s hurtful.

The OP should learn how to manage that for her own sake, but replies like the above don’t seem to me to be helpful in actually helping her accomplish it.

There is nothing uncharitable in my post. The OP has allowed her dad to ‘be mean’ her children and grandchildren. I call that pathetic, because it is. You like to call it ‘wishing her father was more loving’… it’s much more than that. It is not dignifying to allow her dad to treat her family and herself badly.

Maybe my post wasn’t helpful to you, pensmama 87, but then it wasn’t meant for you either.

 

[holyrood]

There is nothing uncharitable in my post. The OP has allowed her dad to ‘be mean’ her children and grandchildren. I call that pathetic, because it is. You like to call it ‘wishing her father was more loving’… it’s much more than that. It is not dignifying to allow her dad to treat her family and herself badly.

Maybe my post wasn’t helpful to you, pensmama 87, but then it wasn’t meant for you either.

I’m sorry, but I agree that your post wasn’t terribly charitable. It came across as blaming the victim. I agree that we, as parents, need to draw a line against our own parents abusing our children. But in the midst of things, especially when you’ve been raised with this hyper-criticalness as your ‘normal,’ it can be very difficult to sort out what’s normal and right when you’ve never known anything else, and very difficult to finally stand up to the person who has been slapping you down since you were quite young. Yes, it may be something some of us need to learn, but there is also a need for charity from those on the outside looking in, for how we got to this point.

OP, there have been a lot of threads here lately about difficult families. I think there’s already a lot of good advice here. I, too, come from a family that badmouths me. I find it particularly ironic since my parents are supposedly Good Catholics, very involved in the church, yet it’s my sisters who are pierced and tattooed and used to throw lots of kegger parties who are the good kids in their eyes.

I agree, consider the source is helpful.

It doesn’t change the fact that I 100% believe that my mother’s constant negative, unjust character assessments of me have damaged my relationships with lots of people (after all, if even her own mother says this, it must be true!) I have had to accept that I can’t change that. I can only continue to live my life with integrity and do good for others. Those who believe her words don’t matter. Those who matter know I am none of those things.

I keep my children away from my parents as much as I can, and I pray for my parents daily. They are two broken, hurting people who can’t even understand what they have done and continue to do.

 

[Allegra]

Sounds to me like you’ve got yourself a sister who likes to stir up trouble. I would refrain from engaging in anymore conversations about what other people told her about you. If your dad has a problem, he can address it to you himself. If it was me, I would just let it go, but if you really want to know what’s got his goat, ask him yourself about it. Frankly, it sounds like a glass of wine is precisely what he needs.

 

[pensmama87]

There is nothing uncharitable in my post. The OP has allowed her dad to ‘be mean’ her children and grandchildren. I call that pathetic, because it is. You like to call it ‘wishing her father was more loving’… it’s much more than that. It is not dignifying to allow her dad to treat her family and herself badly.

Maybe my post wasn’t helpful to you, pensmama 87, but then it wasn’t meant for you either.

I can relate to the situation in the OP, even though I am not the OP.

The OP already feels bad about the situation - that’s why this thread exists. The word “pathetic” may seem just a descriptor to you, but it’s a word that’s loaded with judgment. No one likes having their actions described as “pathetic.”

It also has an element of blaming the victim, which is not helpful. Her dad has said some cruel things, yes. There are things that the OP could do to minimize this hurt, yes. Let’s talk about what those are, instead of just reminding her that she’s already been hurt. In ordinary circumstances, a person should not have to protect herself and her family from her own father. But now that we’re there, let’s focus on that.

Musician, I’m sorry you are going through this. I would suggest that you limit your father’s contact with your children and grandchildren, and even cut back your contact with him. I would also suggest that you tell your siblings that you do not want to hear about his nasty remarks regarding you or your family. It’s very good that you want to take care of your father in his old age, but barring a health condition that would excuse his behavior substantially (such as dementia) I think you can place conditions on it. If he’s rude to you on the phone or in person, tell him you have to go - and go. It’s not “punishment” to refuse to present yourself for continued harassment, and it’s not weak.

 

[Allegra]

I’m actually quite surprised at the number of people who are suggesting that the OP cut ties with her father. I always thought that being cranky, judgemental, negative, and opinionated was just a natural part of getting old. My grandma said mean and judgemental things about us kids, our friends, and young people in general and my mother never put her out or cut off contact with her. If we got upset, she just told us that she was old and she didn’t have very good control over what comes out of either end. I certainly didn’t want to have my grandma cut out of my life over it. I mean, it’s not like your likely to get another one. If you got an especially crotchety grandparent, it’s still better than no grandparent. We’ve had hours of good family entertainment recanting the many amusing things my grandma has said regarding any number of topics. (liberals, clothing, earrings on boys, black people, my sister’s boyfriends, the percieved effeminimity of the priest, my brother’s excessive freckles and how it’s effecting his love life, my weight, my mother’s store-bought pie crust, etc…) Are we the only ones who consider this an unfortunate aspect of the elderly and not an instance of abuse?

 

[KrazyKat]

I’m actually quite surprised at the number of people who are suggesting that the OP cut ties with her father. I always thought that being cranky, judgemental, negative, and opinionated was just a natural part of getting old. My grandma said mean and judgemental things about us kids, our friends, and young people in general and my mother never put her out or cut off contact with her. If we got upset, she just told us that she was old and she didn’t have very good control over what comes out of either end. I certainly didn’t want to have my grandma cut out of my life over it. I mean, it’s not like your likely to get another one. If you got an especially crotchety grandparent, it’s still better than no grandparent. We’ve had hours of good family entertainment recanting the many amusing things my grandma has said regarding any number of topics. (liberals, clothing, earrings on boys, black people, my sister’s boyfriends, the percieved effeminimity of the priest, my brother’s excessive freckles and how it’s effecting his love life, my weight, my mother’s store-bought pie crust, etc…) Are we the only ones who consider this an unfortunate aspect of the elderly and not an instance of abuse?

Love this post !

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

This is all only my opinion. Please take or leave it as you see fit.

I’m so sorry this is happening. I have family members who do not speak to each other -for years and years- because they dislike Catholics. It is very hurtful.

I suspect it’s prejudice, in what goes on in my family, and I suspect it’s a form of persecution. I’ve met a number of people, including some who are sort of “friends,” who are very willing to criticize the Catholic faith but very unwilling to actually look into what it is all about. I’m very grateful that it’s ultimately God who converts hearts.

Also, the last Beatitude says we’re blessed when we’re mistreated for our faith. Perhaps you can offer some of this up for the more violently persecuted of our brothers and sisters in the Mideast. But please remember, this is only my opinion. I wasn’t there and I didn’t see what was actually going on at your family’s Christmas.

As for the wine drinking, you might mention to your dad that Jesus and his apostles were drinking wine at the Last Supper as well as at the wedding feast at Cana. Might want to ask him if he thinks perhaps Jesus wasn’t a Christian. Or maybe not. I’m a rascal sometimes and think of mischievous things.

And this is also another one of my opinions, (gotten from reading C.S. Lewis), but I think anybody who gets angry and threatened about someone becoming a Catholic has deep fears themselves that Catholics might just be correct in their beliefs and it threatens them and their belief system so they lash out.

I’d say -and this is just my opinion too- to consider the source and to lovingly tell your dad that these sorts of comments of his are not allowed in your household - and I put the stress on the word lovingly. Maybe hug him or put your arm around him when you tell him something like this - if something like this is what you think is a good idea (this is all my opinion…)

Also, my hat is off to you for being the only one to remain close by your dad. If actions ever spoke louder than words, they’re screaming out here - in my opinion.

Also, pray for him and ask him to pray for you, if that’s at all an option.

Placing you, your grown children and your dad in the enclosed garden of the most sacred heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Please pray for me.

my :twocents:

…from what my sister told me yesterday. I am so hurt and upset!
Evidently I’m not a Christian because I drink wine (very much in moderation). He has always known this! I have never hidden that fact; actually he used to drink wine at meals himself, so what is this hypocrisy…
Also since I have converted to Catholicism he has not liked it. He thinks the Catholic Church is evil. I simply don’t understand this way of thinking.
He is 73 and not likely to change. He says mean things to my grown children and to my grandchildren occasionally. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. … What gives?

 

[Musician]

Thanks for all the advice. Maybe it will give me some perspective.
I can’t “protect” my grown children and grandchildren from my dad because they go over to see him on their own. He can be funny and generous as well as being an old crank. Cutting him out of the family won’t do any good. I think that’s a bit excessive, actually.
I like the advice of Allegra, really…I can see that here!
My dad isn’t abusive just really crochety, especially about my Catholicism. And he can’t control his mouth. I’m hurt but I guess I’ll get over it.