My friend came out to me as transgender

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Hope_Philomena

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Hi, I could really use some advice about what to do here

My best friend has recently told me that he is transgender and is going to start hormone replacement therapy soon (transitioning from male to female). I’m in shock and I have no idea what to do. I’m putting this in the non-catholic subforum because he is an atheist and has no Catholic beliefs. If I attempted to talk to him from a religious standpoint he will immediately just block me out.

I don’t know what to do because honestly, I have always perceived transgenderism to be a mental illness. I can’t see how it can be anything else, to have delusions about your gender… and I really don’t want to get into a debate about this. I just want advice on what to do, or say, to him. Because I feel a rift in our friendship suddenly, despite him always being my absolute closest friend on earth.

I don’t want him to do this, I feel like he’s going to irreversibly damage his body and his mind by feeding into this idea that he’s a girl. In my opinion he’s… not a girl.
 
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I would tell him that you love him and ultimately it’s his choice, but you’re concerned he’s going to do something irreversible and regret it. Then just ask him to unpack what led him to this, what he’s been experiencing, etc, and just be in listening mode.

Basically, I think your two basic points should be that you don’t think this is the right move, but you acknowledge that it’s his choice and you will love him as a person regardless.

How old is he?
 
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Pray hard.
Do not walk out on him (although be prepared that he might reject you if you don’t fall in line with this).
Tell him your concerns, but remember, whether he has felt this way from his earliest childhood, or a later onset condition, he is most likely suffering, and you want to be gentle with his soul (ie, you’re concerned about the situation, not rejecting of him. Again, he may demand total agreement).

I’m praying for your friend and for you.
:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2:
Best of luck.
 
That’s such a tough situation.

I think perhaps you could do a little bit of research into transgender people and why they feel as they do. I’m not trying to suggest at all that you should change your opinion, but you might find some advice as to how to talk with your friend about it.

By all means, explain your worries. But reassure your friend you care for them no matter what.
 
Hope_Philomena said:
…

I don’t want him to do this, I feel like he’s going to irreversibly damage his body and his mind by feeding into this idea that he’s a girl. In my opinion he’s… not a girl.
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APA site has this on Gender Dysphoria:
In adolescents and adults gender dysphoria diagnosis involves a difference between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, and significant distress or problems functioning. It lasts at least six months and is shown by at least two of the following:
1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
4. A strong desire to be of the other gender
5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender
6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender
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https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria
 
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Be charitable towards him. It is when our lives are at the most difficult that we really need our friends. If you are a good friend now is not the time to abandon him.

Pray about the issue. Tell him how you feel but be objective and do not make out he is completely in the wrong and you are right.

I suspect he has told you with some insight to how you will react and that he is not going to back out of this because you do not like it. Our Lord never abandoned sinners and I do not think we should just drop someone because their lifestyle is not what we would choose.
 
He has had a lot of time to come to terms with this. You have only begun that journey.

He’s your most treasured friend. If it were me, I would tell him that I have always loved him as a friend, and I will continue to. But, I would say, I am having a difficult time coming to terms with this. I will need some time to understand it all, and understand how I feel. I hope he can give me that time to adjust to this.

I would then spend time contemplating this individual, our friendship.

I think it is always better to keep individuals in our lives, even if they choose a path different than our own. (As long as that path doesn’t lead us astray). By staying in his life, you continue to have influence on him. If you sever the ties, then you have no influence.

I wouldn’t lecture him. I wouldn’t preach to him. I would keep reiterating that I, ultimately, care for him deeply. And when he asks for my opinion, only then would I give it to him. Then, I would be honest if I was having a hard time with this.
 
You can tell him how you feel, but you also need to accept that he is very likely to not change his mind on this, and you may need to eventually both seek out other friends.
 
I think above all, he needs prayers. It sounds like he has made up his mind and doesn’t want any advice. So if that’s the case, what he needs is prayers. I will pray for him:

Our Father
Hail Mary
Glory Be

Pope St. John Paul II, Pray for us!
 
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“Wow. Are you sure man? I mean some of that stuff they’d be taking off might come in handy later. I don’t know if this is something I’m as ready for as you are. I mean you’ve had a lot more head-space set into this direction than I’ve even wanted to. I hope you know you’re my pal and I respect you in a lot of ways? But this might have some real consequences to your mind and body in the long term. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t at least tell you I’m worried about how this might all fall down around you later. And truly? I’ll probably feel more than a bit awkward getting used to the new dynamic. I mean are you gonna want to follow me into the ladies room when we’re out? I’m just not sure where my boundaries are gonna have to be redrawn here. I hope you understand I care about you? But this is a lot to adjust to. So I’ll support what I can support? But there might be some lines I just can’t totally cross over with you. Does that seem fair?”

Say it with true care and meaning. (Of course I’m assuming you’re a she. Cause I make those kind of snaps.)
 
Hope_Philomena said:
I don’t know what to do because honestly, I have always perceived transgenderism to be a mental illness.
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Although I don’t hold Catholic beliefs with regards to transgenderism (I am agnostic), let’s go with what you wrote.

How would you treat anyone else you know who has mental illness. Would you be all up in their business about it? Or would you encourage them to seek assistance from the medical field so they can best manage their illness.

Love your friend. He will still be the same person even if he transitions to a she. Unless you have an advanced degree in psychiatry, don’t tell him what you think he should be doing.
 
QwertyGirl said:
Or would you encourage them to seek assistance from the medical field
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Which raises the interesting question: do people with gender dysphoria try counseling and are those hormones prescription only? Did your friend see a doctor @Hope_Philomena? Because some types of psychiatric therapy should be a few sessions over the span of a year or more. I sometimes wonder if those cases of transition we see on youtube actually went to a doctor…Did they actually get a professional opinion?

@0Scarlett_nidiyilii I just noticed most of the time when transgender issues are brought up there’s hardly ever mention of a medical doctor?! As if the discourse around gender dysphoria has put away with medicine and medical opinion completely.
 
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In the US, at least, no medical doctor is going to assist a patient with transitioning before the patient has consulted with a psychiatrist (Of course a psychiatrist is also a medical doctor). Typically the patient remains under the care of the psychiatrist indefinitely. Transitioning has mind/body components, no doubt about it.
 
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There are two things you can do: 1) tell him what you think and 2) oray for him continually, and accept that for whatever reason, he has gone down this path.
 
The Catholic Church allows you to divorce anyone. Remarrying after a divorce is what the Church takes issue with.

I am not sure I understand what your post has to do with anything I posted. Did you mean to respond to me?

I am not Catholic, by the way.
 
adgloriam said:
Which raises the interesting question: do people with gender dysphoria try counseling and are those hormones prescription only?
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Yes, they defiantly should and the hormones must be prescribed, just like post menopausal women.
adgloriam said:
I sometimes wonder if those cases of transition we see on youtube actually went to a doctor…Did they actually get a professional opinion?
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I’d believe most do. The thing is the Jenners and Youtubers of the world are the more visible and often more successful.
adgloriam said:
I just noticed most of the time when transgender issues are brought up there’s hardly ever mention of a medical doctor?! As if the discourse around gender dysphoria has put away with medicine and medical opinion completely.
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Is this a presumption that this has to be rolled out every time? Would you make such a requirement of say people that have plastic surgery? There should be no presumption that this is a flippant choice. Such a person is violating people’s most basic understanding of who they are, or better yet what category they conveniently belong in. This course of action can shatter a person’s relationships and is not entered into lightly.
 
As others have said, pray for him, and be kind and loving towards him.

Also, it might be helpful to offering secular arguments for why transitioning is not always the best (many people regret it, higher cancer risk) since you said that he is an athiest. Hope this helps!
 
I agree with the advice of others here, continue to show him love and kindness while praying diligently for him. Gently express your concerns about irreversibility and be prepared with articles you can share that expose the risks and realities of these treatments (you may be the only one who is willing/able to do so).
As his friend, you have a right to be concerned - those who have completed “gender reassignment” are 20 times more likely to commit suicide afterwards than the average individual (see the article below).


Many are disappointed with the final results of hormone treatments, initially they envision a drastic change (i.e. going from looking like Alec Baldwin to Katie Perry), but instead end up stuck somewhere in between.
That’s when they turn to gender reassignment surgery and body modification (if they can afford it), and many never realize their vision.
Perhaps you could recommend that your friend do more to investigate this idea before committing to medical treatments? You should emphasize that you are ultimately concerned for his overall well-being.
Sending prayers your way!
 
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