My husband buys secretly on credit

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StRita3

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Dear Catholic Forums,

Blessed be God! Blessed be his holy name. Praise be to Mary most holy! Praise be to St. Joseph her most chaste spouse. Amen. Alleluia!

My husband cheats financially. We have been wed 4 years and he does not share financials or ever ask my advice on financials. Everything is 100% confidential for HIM and he makes that clear that its “HIS money.”

The problem is I end up having to beg him for cash, and when I get sick or too tired parishioners end up having to foot the bill so to speak. I have accepted many handouts from parishioners while my husband is literally eating drinking driving a nice ride new clothes etc.

Im to the point after 4 years that I dont like him anymore. The nail in the coffin has been when he locked me out of the mailbox, refusing to give me a key and I asked the landlord for a key, and then I found out he bought a nice ride on 100% credit after telling me he paid cash.

I dont mind living fugally I just dont like being conned. Also he doesnt tithe at all just spends it all on #1. St Theresa HELP!

Is this a common problem?
 
StRita3 said:
Is this a common problem?
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Whether or not it’s common is irrelevant. Even if “everyone” was doing it, it would still be wrong.

We’re not permitted to give legal advice on these forums, and I think you need some good, sound legal advice as to how to protect yourself and your finances from your husband. Your husband is financially abusing you. Please seek help from a professional—a lawyer and a counselor.
 
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You have received good advice here. You definitely need legal advice!

Also, if you make any money outside the home-whether you have a full-time job, make occasional money from part-time babysitting, or anything in between…that’s your money! You should open a separate account. If he tries to stop you, stand your ground! If he hurts you, or threatens to, get out of the house, and remove any children immediately! It could end up saving all of your lives.

You didn’t say whether you have children or not. If you do, everything goes double. You are being abused. Maybe not in a way that requires immediate departure, but you must look out for yourself

Take care, and God Bless!
 
Bring this problem to your priest, and get legal advice! Does he list you as his dependent on his income tax? If so, he’s failing to provide for you. My sister’s now ex-husband withheld money by spending it on himself, sending it to his relatives overseas, and lavishing his mistress with a lovely lifestyle. In the meantime, my sister and the five children went without necessities, like adequate food, clothing, heat in winter, and medical care.
 
You don’t mention kids - do you have any? It not, I’d be “out of there”.
It appears to me that he’s controlling you. Did you grow up with controlling parents? Are you a young person? I would definitely talk to a lawyer, or legal aid if you don’t have money.
Look up “legal aid” for free or low-cost options.
 
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Ive been so stressed that I dont have a period and I actually have wondered if Im sterile. I was reading that stress really can stop your period.

The priests over the last 4 years have not been very good because we ended up in an schism for a while and those priests I think do not give sound advice. But even now I am not getting very good advice from the priests. One priest told me “I must have spending problems” because I was being punished like a spouse who overspends by having everything taken away.

Priests just simply remind me I made marriage vows but one did say to get a job and I have thought about that. I actually appreciated that he actually said something instead of the roll over and play dead method that most priests have sadly adopted nowdays.

Thats why I posted here after the priest rebuked me for having spending problems. I am wondering how that works when I have to start using HIS church for handouts.

One other thing: my husband has struggled very much with addiction problems and he has refused to re enter AA. Right now hes hooked on monster drinks and I sincerely think its causing him a lot of attitude problems.

May God truly bless your day!
 
Is this anew behavior. Were there no financial discussions in. Pre cana classes?
 
My husband told me the precana classes were invalid because he didnt like the priest. The priest told me I had to manage the expenses once I found out after marriage that my husband bought all our dates on credit racking over 2000 in debt. I feel like i married a con artist.

My husband has also tried to limit my friends where i go to church etc. Many times he has told me I cant walk into a Catholic Church. I feel he got married because I probably seemed like a vulnerable person to him.

Priests have told me i need to “sit down” with my husband but ive tried to explain to them thats not even an option. he will just throw a fit lie and pretend to make a deal, or tell me im being “controlling.”

Addendum:
After posting all this and some inner reflection, I feel like I do let people in general walk all over me as a result of controlling parents and the feeling of not having any rights. I am going to insist my husband attends al anon or AA because I really think the drinking and spending problems go hand in hand. Unfortunately for many of todays priests, they really have no clue about addiction problems. A lot of them have become just simply careless or lazy in their sheep. Thats why I posted here just so many bad examples from the priests over the years who seem to be doing much of the same stuff my husband is doing (over spending, parties, legal drugs like adderrol, nice homes cars etc).

Another huge issue I have is social acceptance, what people are saying to me or how they talk to me it just seems like they want to pity me, look down on me or trying to ask nosy questions when Im just feeling good and it can actually feel very awkward for me socially like I have to “prove” to people that I have dignity or self worth or people look surprised when I start talking to them. I think its a struggle I have to work out, this social acceptance.
 
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Please talk to a lawyer as soon as you can. Your husband’s behaviour is abusive and controlling, and the Priests you’ve spoken to are not giving you the help you need.

You don’t deserve to be treated the way he treats you and you do not have to be married to him. Please, reach out to your family, reach out to your friends and tell them what’s going on. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and protect yourself.
 
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I think being in the schism made it worse because they are sort of traditional to the extreme, where wives have to be so obedient to their husbands. So the schism was actually giving me money while I watched my husband turn to drinking overspending etc and they didnt believe in AA. So part of this is probably my fault for agreeing to this. When I really became sterile the fake priest there his reply was for me to see a doctor but how is forcing myself to get pregnant when obviously my body is telling me otherwise how is that good advice and he knew I had no control over the finances at all. Thats why I really super recommend not going towards a schism although it can be tempting in times of trial because they seem to want to welcome in people right away but then it is also super controlling.
 
If you are in the US, there are people you can talk to. There is a crisis hotline, a resource center, call your local United Way, google “legal aid near me”.

I am saddened that you have not found your priests to be helpful, perhaps contact the Family Life office or Catholic Charities at your Diocese to get some counseling.
 
Sister, You really don’t want to get pregnant while you are in this situation. I doubt that you are really sterile, perhaps it’s caused by stress as you say.
Please follow the advice above and seek legal counsel, and find a Catholic Church to attend with a good priest.
 
At some point you need to look within yourself and recognize the choices you made to get here. It sounds like there was plenty of reasons to not pursue marriage with this person. Once you identify where you could have stopped this you will be able to move forward. I’m not sure what you mean by the schism, there is nothing I know of called the schism. But it sounds as if your husband is enjoying some unhealthy controlling principles that is allowing him to put his soul and your life in jeopardy.
 
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I know it’s prolly awkward, but can you reach out to your parents for help?
Or maybe siblings ?
Or friends from your pre-married life?
 
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