My Husband now tells me he has no faith!

  • Thread starter Thread starter sgt.s_wife
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

sgt.s_wife

Guest
I hope with all my heart there is someone out there to give me some advice. My husband and I have been together 8 1/2 years. I am Catholic and did know that he was Protestant when we married. He just returned from Iraq in May. And he now tells me that he does not believe in God or any higher power at all! Don’t get me wrong, I had an idea he felt this way before his deployment. I feel such pain in my heart to hear him say this. My husband is a very intelligent man, you know, like they say, “the need to see to believe”. (Not that this makes him intelligent.) I have tried so many things, I am at a loss and It is affecting our marraige. More on my side then his!!
Can anyone relate with me? Or have any advice? I love my husband. But, I actually pity him !
 
You probably will get a lot of good advice from people on the forums who have struggled with a non-Catholic or unbelieving spouse. (You might try to “search” for threads on the topic, in the meantime.) While you are clearly upset about this, you should try not to overreact. Quite possibly his time in Iraq involved trauma and emotional/psychological distress which are contributing to his feelings and to your adjustments to each other. Can you talk to a military priest, military psychiatrist, or any priest for that matter? Give it time and be thankful he came home uninjured. And pray! God bless.
 
For one, it shouldn’t get in between your marriage unless he is trying to get you to abandon your own faith. In cases like this your husband can actually be justified for your faith.

Also don’t think that because you have faith and he doesn’t that somehow makes you the spiritual leader in the house.

Third, it is not uncommon at all for people who are intelligently seeking the truth to come to conclusions, usually temporary, that God does not exist. Even Mother Theresa had a dry spell, where she felt God had abandoned her for years.

Fourth, remember that doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is a component of faith. Faith the the evidence of things not seen. He doesn’t believe now because he isn’t seeing; that’s not unusual either. We can pray that the Lord will open his eyes so that he may see.

Fifth, I say humor him, and try to listen as best you can what he is thinking about. See if you can hear his issues without judging them. Give him back your summary of what it sounds to you like he said, so that he knows you’re listening. You can say, “it sounds like you’re saying that…” and then you are able to rhetorically and emotionally isolate what he thinks from what you think. You can say, “I’ve never thought of it that way,” but don’t ever say, “that isn’t right because really…” What I’m telling you is just an overview of how we do crisis intervention using empathy (NOT sympathy) which doesn’t necessarily feel sorry for somebody, but tries to see their view and validate it. Once you know more about what he does think, you might be able to deal with it. You may find that he really is being driven by the Holy Spirit to a deeper faith than he had before.

Alan
 
Dear Sgt’s Wife,
Code: 
May the peace of the Lord be with you this day and for all the days of your life.

The problem is not that your husband is Protestant or highly intelligent, the problem is with what you husband did for this country in Iraq.  When in a foreign country like he was, you quickly learn to trust no one except those on your team.  If you get support, then great, but don't count on it.  Relying on others will get you and your men killed.  Believe in nothing because that is actually what you will receive.  We have a saying, "Expect the worst and hope for the best."  That was my life for many years. (I'm US Army Retired)

With that said, you need spiritual growth for yourself and for any children you may have.  Please find a women's group and a children's/youth ministry through your church, I will help if you need me to.

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through, but you are not alone.  Your husband has to deal with what he did and what he saw over there.  YOU CAN NOT HELP HIM.  All you can do now is to pray for him and to love him and to have faith for him.

I'm reminded of the  story where the men lowered the paraplegic through the roof, Jesus said, "Because of their faith, you sins are forgiven." and again when the Centurion asked Jesus to heal his daughter without coming to his house, Jesus said, "Because of YOUR faith, your daughter is healed this very hour."

Be strong for him, be strong for the children, be strong for you.  I know this is a tall order, but God will NEVER give you more than you can handle, many times more than you want, but never more than you can handle.

In the mean time, you have a family here at Catholic.com too.
 
40.png
AlanFromWichita:
Also don’t think that because you have faith and he doesn’t that somehow makes you the spiritual leader in the house…
Click to expand...
Huh?!?!?!?!

Sgt’s Wife: Please avoid getting stuck in the potholes of gender-based role playing and, for now, welcome the opportunity to be your husband’s “soft landing” from combat. None of us who haven’t been in his shoes (or even know him) can speak for his position, but as you said, this is an issue he may have been struggling with for some time even before his Iraq service.

My guess is that you are blessed with a gentle, faithful spirit which was attractive to him precisely because it was a quality he lacked in his own character. Unless, as someone else suggested, he is pressuring you to move away from your faith life, continue as you have in the past. Don’t push him to reform his thoughts or words, but show him through love, gentleness and consistency how faith forms and directs the conduct and attitudes in you that he admires and was drawn to originally.
 
How you approach this depends on whether he is open to discussing it with you. If not, prayer and example is the best for now. Instead of talking to him about God, talk to God more about him.
 
My husband definetly does NOT interfere with my beliefs.He has never tried or attempted to lead me in another direction as far as my faith. He knew how I felt when we met, he knows there is nothing he could ever do to change this. But it hurts me so much when he says certain"expressions" that I do not like. Such as “G.D.” or when he says to me "Why do you pray to Mary, what made her so important!? " So, I pull out my handy Adult catechism book and I answer his question. But he is the tie type of man that has an answer for averything. I don’t push him. I live very close to Lasalette Shrine in Attleboro,Ma. and they have a wonderful book store. I spoke with some employees there and I bought my husband a book that they recommended, The title is Science and Evidence For Design In The Universe.It also says it’s The Proceedings Of The Wethersfield Institute. I told him when I gave it to him, that I was not forcing him to read it. That I thought he might be interested in reading it. And I also told him, if it was something he was NOT interested in. I would accept that, and return it. Well, this was 3 weeks ago. And you know what he does with it? He uses it as a “hard” surface to do the daily newspaper crossword puzzles. I am at a loss.

*:confused: *
 
Keep praying. Recognize that you can not change him. Only he, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, can change. You gave him the book. He has it if he chooses to read it. (Indeed, he may have read it or may plan to look at it. Or maybe this book is not going to be what “does it” for him.) You are showing him that your faith is important to you and that you wish his faith would give him peace and serenity. You don’t know how the Holy Spirit is working in him or whether you are planting seeds. Usually though it is the gentle nudges that speak to people. Give him time. And keep praying.
 
La Chiara, Thank you for your help! Your first response to me gave me the “push” to e-mail my past Priest! Thank you for that. Father had been in our Church for 4 1/2 years. He is who re-opened my eyes and made me realize that I was still (accepted). After divorcing my first husband when my son was only 5 months old. He made me feel like I had a purpose in Church.(If that makes sence.) My husband and Father got along VERY well ! My husband and he played basketball together once weekly at a local Catholic Center. They would talk often, not like a Man and a Priest. But just as ‘FRIENDS’. Father would always tell me, “I’m getting there.” But neither would ever tell me what they spoke of. Which I think is wonderful! He wrote to my husband often while he was deployed in Iraq. He even sent him a beautiful medal he bought for him in Spain! BUT… Things in Churches (and life) change. And Father left our Church (as well as our other Priest) back in June. He is pretty close by, but is very busy with his new Parish. Our Church was his first, so it was and still is very difficult for him. I even chaporoned young teenagers to New York for a Group 2000 meeting, 2 weeks after 9/11. As he had asked me, I sure came home more enlightened then I ever thought possible!!! Thanks to Father. I believe this was part of his plan. I am only 35 years old, and Father is 33. Of course(me being the youngest chaperone) had the most female teenagers to chaperone. Anyway, he did reply to me, but says he will pray for us. And that he is limited to what he can do to help because he in his new Parish now. With our Church having 2 new Priests, he suggested maybe I try speaking with them, but thing have not been the same since they both left. The majority of our Parishoners feel the same way. He knows this, and it hurts him to know this. I asked him about a Womans Bible study group, or for any outside resources he could think of. It was so sad at Christmas mass, our Church was only 3/4 full. Usually we have to have a Mass downstairs too! Because of all the Parishoners. I believe things will get better. But…(as I always say). I do not feel as accepted. That is my feeling, I realize that. Our new elder Priest, has made SO many changes!! In our Church and to the School, which my son attends. I feel like I am alone. I DO KNOW THAT I AM NEVER ALONE! I realize that, God never leaves my side. Now that I’ve really filled your ear! Sorry! Do you have any advice? Thank you!!!:hmmm:
 
I don’t have any specific advice. But I can relate to so much of what you are going through. Sounds like you have had so much change in your life recently that you are feeling adrift without your usual life boats! I have had that experience and struggled mightily. My nature is to want to set things right, to fix things. It is very difficult for me to give things time. The most difficult issues usually need both attention AND time. (I am big on the attention, but I want things changed NOW.) So I struggle with that myself.

What you wrote about your husband and the priest indicates that your husband is open and perhaps even seeking (on some level) greater spirituality. So find peace in that and proceed slowly, doing the kinds of things that you have been doing. If you haven’t already, mention to your husband that you have contacted that priest. Maybe your husband will accompany you to Mass or other activity in that priest’s parish. Or invite the priest over for dinner to “catch up” on your husband now that he is back from Iraq. And keep working on your own spiritual journey. Your husband will notice. God bless.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top