My husband wants a divorce and I'm in shock

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TheRealJuliane said:
Dear Contra Mundum,

I keep repeating that you need to see a lawyer ASAP, and last night I was thinking about your situation which may be complicated. If your husband still insists on a divorce, do you have to go back to his country to do this? Will he cooperate to get that done? What about annulment? Does that have to be done in the diocese you married in? I don’t know how it works in Europe, but it does seem that you have a few things to work out in any case.

You seem a sensible person who would not allow her husband to have control over all the finances, so I hope that is the case and that you cannot be shut off from any money he brings in.
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Thank you for bringing this up.

I have no idea where we would have to file for divorce. No idea about annulment. I guess it would have to be done back in the UK where we got married. I have to find out.

As for money, we don’t have much. I actually have more at my bank account at home than what he has. We didn’t have a joint bank account back in the Uk and basically lived from paycheck to paycheck. His savings dissappeared. I own a flat back home, while he ownes a flat with his father as some kinds of investment. So I’m better off financially than he is. I’m going to ask my mother now to get in touch with her lawyer and ask about this situation, if my property is secure.

As I write this, my DH is out for a walk. He left at 10pm. I told him to have fun and say hi for me. He acted surprised. Whatever.

I’m so upset.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Thank you for bringing this up.

I have no idea where we would have to file for divorce. No idea about annulment. I guess it would have to be done back in the UK where we got married. I have to find out.

As for money, we don’t have much. I actually have more at my bank account at home than what he has. We didn’t have a joint bank account back in the Uk and basically lived from paycheck to paycheck. His savings dissappeared. I own a flat back home, while he ownes a flat with his father as some kinds of investment. So I’m better off financially than he is.** I’m going to ask my mother now to get in touch with her lawyer and ask about this situation, if my property is secure.
**
As I write this, my DH is out for a walk. He left at 10pm. I told him to have fun and say hi for me. He acted surprised. Whatever.

I’m so upset.
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Good plan. If he is not on the deed or the papers, and you owned this property before you married, I would hope that it is secure against any claims, but I am not a lawyer and laws differ in various countries (in our case in the US, among the states!). Are you sure that ALL of his paycheck was deposited into your joint account? If you’re positive he doesn’t have any secret accounts (not uncommon if a man has a secret life) that is almost a relief. Things get a lot more complicated when there is a lot of money and/or material goods to be split.

About the 10 p.m. “walk,” well…😦 Try not to dwell on it. He may get bolder and almost want you to catch him so you will kick him out sooner.
 
Contra Mundum, I would caution you to carefully consider how much information you reveal about your situation on a public forum, especially if you think your husband knows you’re a member here. It’s astonishing what family law/divorce attorneys will try to put in front of a judge to do everything from question parental fitness to argue for or against a particular custody arrangement.

As several other posters have wisely recommended, you need to consult with an attorney ASAP. The place to begin would be in your country of citizenship. Withhold nothing, including this thread, and closely follow your attorney’s advice about Internet disclosures and discussions about your marriage, your feelings about your husband and your marriage, and your family life.

It’s likely that nothing will come from this thread but the outpouring of love and support you’ve received from other CAF members; however, in all matters pertaining to a divorce, it’s best to act with an overabundance of perspicacity and discretion.

You and your family have been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Luna
 
I agree with Luna. I know it’s supportive and cathartic to pour out your heart to friends and even caring strangers - I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and trust everyone implicitly - but sometimes it can work against you, even with the best will in the world. I guess you can always ask for the thread to be removed if you feel you said too much. You know you would still have our continued prayers and support if you did. In the meantime, tread carefully.

One thing I should warn you about, since writing the above I did a quick Google search for four keywords based on your posts, and it came up with this thread right at the top of the list. So although when not logged in you can’t reply, you can still access the threads. Thought you should know. If I can find it then a clever lawyer definitely can. I guess that goes for all of us who post stuff here and anywhere on the internet and think it’s confidential to the website - it might not be.

xxx
 
Good points. Though not 100% secure, private messaging might be an option too.

O salutaris Hostia,
Quae caeli pandis ostium:
Bella premunt hostilia,
Da robur, fer auxilium.
Uni trinoque Domino
Sit sempiterna gloria,
Qui vitam sine termino
Nobis donet in patria.
Amen.

O saving Victim, opening wide,
The gate of heaven to man below!
Our foes press on from every side;
Thine aid supply, thy strength bestow.

To Thy great name by endless praise,
Immortal Godhead, one in Three;
Oh, grant us endless length of days,
In our true native land with Thee. Amen
 
I think i can relate to you in some aspects. though my husband and i both belong to the same faith, we knew each other for a few months and then jumped into marraige. Things went straight down with my pregnancy and his long hours at work. I would often have outbursts and he would just be quiet . at times when he decided to talk to me, he would never see my point, and i could never see his. After our daughter was born he refused to come home, and didnt want to be at home, so he left home.

Initially i was a nervous wreck, i couldnt believe this was happeneing to me… etc… it took me a long time, to see my mistakes.
I dont want to give up my marraige , as the Bible says God doesnt like Divorce, I am not planning to make any move for sepparation , anullment or divorce, as long as i Can carry on with life, i intend to leave my marraige the way it is. If there comes a point i have to make a decision then May God help me to decide. ( I was inspired to take this stand after reading the lives of many great saints, I know I am not a saint and i cant be one, with my sinful attitude and thoughts, least i can do is try to do what i can )

But in the meanwhile, I pray for him everyday, i try to pray with my daughter and pray for Gods protection on my family and to save the soul of all my family members.

you could read some material on ’ The alexander House’ for marraige.

Try to build your spiritual life as you need it the most now. some good sites are RCspiritualdirection, EWTN. Read the biography of Padre Pio, St Theresa of Avila.

I love this Quote from St Theresa of Avila:
Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices

Read more: ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/stteresaofavila.htm#ixzz29ybQsR21

I will keep you in my prayers, and please do keep me in yours
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
Contra Mundum, I would caution you to carefully consider how much information you reveal about your situation on a public forum, especially if you think your husband knows you’re a member here. It’s astonishing what family law/divorce attorneys will try to put in front of a judge to do everything from question parental fitness to argue for or against a particular custody arrangement.

As several other posters have wisely recommended, you need to consult with an attorney ASAP. The place to begin would be in your country of citizenship. Withhold nothing, including this thread, and closely follow your attorney’s advice about Internet disclosures and discussions about your marriage, your feelings about your husband and your marriage, and your family life.

It’s likely that nothing will come from this thread but the outpouring of love and support you’ve received from other CAF members; however, in all matters pertaining to a divorce, it’s best to act with an overabundance of perspicacity and discretion.

You and your family have been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Luna
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Good advice.
 
OK here’s my big advice…Chocolate. Have chocolate available for those really down times.🙂

count me in on a Divine Mercy Novena
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I’m sorry for such a long post. Thank you for reading this far. If you have no advice to give, please say a short prayer for my family. The thought about my children growing up without their father terrifies me.
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Sorry you have to go through this walk with this cross, Contra. 😦

I always prefer happy endings but that’s not always how it works out in this world.
 
Cristiano said:
I think that a lot of this is just a bunch baloney. You are describing immature married men that act like a bunch of scared little children. A real man acts like one before getting married and he keeps acting like one after the wedding day. Except for a very few cases a man is responsible for the success or failure of his own marriage.

Reaching the age of 31 and being conditioned by his brother wedding to act like a little kid, that is riding his own bicycle and then he cries because he wants the one of his buddy because it s brand new, is a sign of deep self limitation and has nothing to do with the wife.

I am shocked and extremely angry to see that a fellow husband could treat his wife in such a poor manner. He just waited for the perfect condition where she is the most vulnerable to drop the bomb, that is not childish it is just plain disgusting.
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I’m not sure I find much to agree with in your or Joe’s post (the post of Joe’s this was in reply to).

I’m not sure I even buy into notions of a “real man.” Plus, I get the impression Contra’s husband and her have different views about the nature of marriage and possibly different values in some respect, none of which I get the impression began with their marital vows.

My personal view is that it might be better to just try to develop into a more authentic person as we mature rather than attempting to be a so-called “real man.” That should go for boy or girl and man or woman.

I do think love is a feeling - not merely dispassionate actions and decisions - and that from the deepness of those feelings certain fruits are borne forth in actions and choices.

My personal view is that a lot of dating and marriages today disregard the value of shared values beyond a certain superficial veneer of what “values” are. But maybe that has always been true to some extent. I’ve gotten the impression from looking at men of the older Baby Boomer generation in Milwaukee that a common thread among most of them was that their fathers (WWII Generation) were emotionally distant husbands and fathers. They were bread-winners and when they came home they sat in a chair and read their newspapers and had little to do with any of their kids and not much to do with their wives.

Maybe in this tragedy and cross to carry a new and sweeter fruit for Contra might eventually be born. Maybe in the end it might work better for her future - the rest of her - emotional life. Maybe.

God can heal all certainly.
 
Luna and others,

thank you for the advice regarding the possible damage that this thread could do. I might ask the moderators to remove it. How do I do that?

I will copy-paste the existing posts in a word document for now and read them when I feel the need.

Even if this thread dissappears I want you to know how grateful I am for all the prayers, advice and support. I truly am.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Luna and others,

thank you for the advice regarding the possible damage that this thread could do. I might ask the moderators to remove it. How do I do that?

I will copy-paste the existing posts in a word document for now and read them when I feel the need.

Even if this thread dissappears I want you to know how grateful I am for all the prayers, advice and support. I truly am.
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The mod for this forum is Zelie Louis. You can find her posts at the top of the forum where the “stickies” are. Just click on her name and send her a PM and explain.

Selfishly, I want to keep in touch with you, Contra Mundum. But regardless of what happens, I will be praying. Do let at least one of us know what is happening if you can. Don’t cut yourself off from our support unless it’s really necessary.
 
Contra Mundum , even i would like to keep in touch with you. Please let me know how things work out for you.

I will keep you in my prayers, and please whisper a prayer for me too
 
Contra_Mundum said:
OP here with an update.

I had another long talk with him. He has definitely decided to end it. He said he is tired of it all and that he can’t be with me. The main reason for wanting to leave me is my faith. My faith is central to who I am and he can’t deal with that anymore. He said it is ridiculous, bigoted and just plain weird and that he feels embarassed for me, especially when I say to people that I attend church, and every time he is at mass with me and the kids. To say that I was shocked by this revelation is an understatement. He lied to me for all these years. He seemed so respectful and supportive, and even to have admiration for Catholicism and its influence in the world. I asked him about that and he said that he used to be more tolerant but that something has happened that he can’t explain and that now he seriously hates it and can’t be married to a religious person. He knows that the children will be raised Catholic and not being around is an easier option for him than to be with us and witness it. I think this is absolutely insane and can’t get my head around it.

I tried. I really tried. I said that we must be truly tolerant of each other and that many couples have different religious beliefs and still respect one another as people, even if they don’t share and respect the belief that the person holds. He said he can’t do that. I pleaded for him to consider marital councelling and he said that the main thing can’t be changed, unless I not just stop attending church but lose my faith. He believes that he can be a good, loving, involved father even if we end up living in different countries and on different continents. I said that he is seriously naive and selfish. He admitted that is probably the case. The conversation got me nowhere except now I know that the reason is my faith. I am so shocked. He lied to me for such a long time and I didn’t see it. I’m not dumb but he is a good actor.

Is this persecution? Is this some kind of martyrdom? What is this craziness? I will not deny God even if that means my husband will leave us. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing and that He will take care of me and my little ones.

Please pray for me. I am so broken right now. I’m thinking of my children growing up fatherless and how that will hurth them. I don’t believe that a few visits a year (if he manages that many, especially if he remarries and has more children) will qualify as being an involved father. What a jerk. What an absolute, selfish, childish jerk I have married.
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While people do change even within a marriage I suspect (albeit I really don’t know your husband) he operated like many men when courting or dating a woman and that is to put on a fake persona or mask. In part men do this - even women - because we want to reflect what a community or society advertises as a correct or good man or woman. In part it’s to give a false impression like a bank robber staking out a bank. We want what we want - we want what we covet.

And I might be totally wrong because I don’t know you or your husband or the deeper issues and quality of your marriage. But if I had to hazard a guess given the very, very, limited info I’m getting (from one side no less) I would say he’s being manipulative and still at this time not revealing his authentic self and motives. Well… in a way he may very well be revealing his authentic self. But this requires some level of accurate discernment on your part.

To tell your wife she has to abandon her faith - when he knows well that her faith is extremely important to her at the deepest levels - is the manipulations of men I know well. He probably knows well you will not deny Christ or Trinity or leave the arms of Holy Mother Church, and considers that his ace card in getting you to abandon hope on his willingness to go to marriage counseling.

As hard as this may sound, Contra, you are probably better off without him being in your daily life as husband. If a blessing in this exists maybe it is in the fact that you learned the real him earlier rather than later.

Your concern for yourself and your children are warranted. But keep hope and stay in prayer… for you never know what God or Virgin may bring to you in the horizon.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Well, Dave, for Catholics, we don’t see things the same way. “Starting over” is not a Catholic concept when it comes to divorce, because the vows we speak really mean something to God. So Contra Mundum is shattered because for a Catholic, marriage is supposed to be for life, not just until one of the parties wants a new start. **If both husband and wife took their vows with full awareness of the impact of their words/actions, then there is no divorce. ** The couple may separate, but never remarry.
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Which is why I’m of the view a man or woman could do far worse than asking themselves if they person they think of as potential spousal material for themselves, if that persons values of marriage sufficiently or is adequately similar to theirs.

I know many people in Gen X that have balked at my view about that as religion is seen as something to be indifferent to and all are “equal.” What matters as a values about money and material possessions and fitting in in whatever social class one is either satisfied with or aspires too.

But I think there is a sufficient value difference in the concept of marriage as sacramental vs “until we know longer are happy or until we begin to have big money problems.” For many - even Catholics today - the vow of “forever” and through “thick or thin” is tentative
 
Ahava said:
Contra Mundum , even i would like to keep in touch with you. Please let me know how things work out for you.

I will keep you in my prayers, and please whisper a prayer for me too
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That would be nice, I will.

Prayers for you and your family and that God gives you wisdom and strenght to proceed in the right direction.
 
I might keep the thread up for a day or so. It is so helpful to re-read the posts. Much to think about.

We have made some progress. This morning I asked him what would happen at his work if his boss found out that he was having an affair and leaving me and the kids. He looked horrrified. He said he’d probably lose his job, but even if they kept him his reputation and future prospects in the firm would be ruined. I believe this is true. In many Asian cultures family is truly central and sacred and a man who disgraces himself like this doesn’t just get off the hook without consequences. He swears he is not having an affair and I will leave it at that and not mention it anymore.

He has admitted that he has serious problems communicating and being honest about his needs and thoughts. He realises he goes to the extreme to please people and suck up to them. He told me he is not sure who he is. This sounds tragic but at least he is being honest enough to admit it, although it has taken someone else to bring it up (bad old me again) - he didn’t come to this himself. I hope he will do something about it. Maybe he will be open to psychotherapy and marriage councelling when things calm down a bit. I will gently suggest it but not demand it. I am in no rush. If at some point I see that things are hopeless and that we are getting nowhere I will pack up and go home. I have faith that things will be ok for me and the kids. Not the life I imagined, but hey, such is reality.

In the mean time I will know more about the protection of my property at home, and about the procedure of divorce and annulment when abroad. I feel unbelievably calm about it all. I’m probably still in shock and a bit numb, but praying and trusting God is what is keeping me together.
 
Hi OP,

I must admit I am a long time lurker of this website. The reason I feel prompted to respond to your post is because I am South of where you are and am in the same timezone. So if you need a listening hear you can PM me.

Also I have walked a similar experience as you have, whereby my ex-husband “seemed” to suddenly realised he is no longer in love with me. Yes ex, because he finally threw in the divorce papers, after 5 years of trying to make it work (one-sided).

I am glad that you have spoken to a priest and thought the advise he gave was sound. But I just wanted to add, that in Asia it is relatively common to have affairs these days, and the company does not really think all that much of it.

Until you have real evidence of what your husband is up to, it is too much to speculate. So in saying what I am about to say is not to indicate that he is having an affair. But just because there is no physical initmacy does not mean is he is not having an affair. Sometimes a person can have an emotional affair with another; or your husband could be “hanging out” with his colleagues who are single and is envious of that they “have a freedom” that he no longer has. Just bringing these up as possible “reasons” of his “sudden change of heart”. I am sure as you go along, you will find out more and more possibililties of his behaviour.

Before I end this post, I just want to add that you can’t change the other person and you can only change yourself. You do sound like a real grounded person, but this is a difficult time. So even if your husband is not open to counselling, you may want to consider going yourself, since you are in a foreign land and may not have anyone to speak to about this (other than writing on this forum or your mom or your one friend back home.

I sincerely pray that you husband will have the grace to realised his responsibilities as a husband and a father, regardless of his faith belief and disbeliefs.

Blessings
 
Since this thread is still up, I just want to give an update.

He says it is finished, that he needs to leave for his own sanity and that I must let him go. He refuses marital councelling. He said he never felt completely at ease with me and never felt good enough. He said he knew it was a mistake to get married but didn’t have the guts to break it off. He says there is no way this could work because he doesn’t want to give us another chance.

I am seriously surprised by some of the things he said, but not by others. I know where I failed. I still believe we could make it work and get out of this crisis stronger, but he doesn’t.

I wonder if I should just go and leave him alone, sort my life out and try to get an annulment. I just don’t see how anything I do could make a difference, after I’ve heard these things. Any thoughts about this are welcome.
 
Contra,
I am so sorry to hear this. While I am all for saving a marriage if possible, it does take two. You can’t hold a gun to his head and force him into counseling or into staying.
If I were you, I would go back to my home country to be surrounded by family, familiarity and support. Legally, that is where it is all going to happen anyway, so I would leave as soon as possible and not drag this out any longer than need be, for my kids sake. If husband changes his mind, he knows where to find you. If not, you are settled where you need and want to be. God bless you and thank you for updating. I am sure you are in all of our prayers, and will remain so.
 
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