My husband wants a separation

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We’ve been married 26 years. He is Catholic stopped going to mass in January because of some issues he is having with the church but he is still a devout Catholic. I was going to church with him for several months and decided to pursue the faith right before he stopped going. I was questioning if he was giving up the faith, what was going on with him, he’s going through depression right now. We’ve had our issues, as all couples do, but he’s gotten to be in a deep state of mind lately. We are both seeing a therapist separately. He’s been seeing one for over a year. I noticed his behavior change just over a year ago.

I’ve been trying to keep quiet and support him. He told me months back he feels he needs to get away to get his thoughts together, to put himself first, as he’s always done so much for everyone else. A few weeks after that he said he thought he can should get away for a couple months, and go back on the East Coast to spend some time with a colleague. Last week he told me that he’s told me twice he wants a separation. I thought you just needed to get away for a little while.We both are big beach people and spend all of our vacations at the beach.

He hasn’t wanted to travel with me for the past couple years. Last week he came home after his therapy session and told me he found an apartment where we have vacationed many times and often talked about living there. I have no idea he was looking for apartment. He signed a lease. I am so hurt, so broken, I’m so confused. I did not see this coming. I want this more marriage more than anything. He’s refused therapy with me until now. He feels that we can do a couples counseling when he living while he is living away. I’ve been looking for some sort of saint that can help him and us. I wanted to get him a coin/prayer card or something like that. Please advise.
 
Dear sister in Christ I am so very sorry to hear this. Marriages/spouses are such precious gifts and we often take them for granted (I certainly am guilty of this). They need a lot of work, sacrifice and suffering. And they can be fragile, especially when you consider the stresses of life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

In terms of some practical suggestions-
Have you got a priest you both know and trust who can mediate and say prayers over you both? The first such session can be difficult but it will help to clear a lot of bad air.
Try fasting for your marriage if you haven’t already
Is the therapist your husband is receiving reliable (does it espouse new age philosophy,for example)?
What issues (you mentioned) have you already encountered in your marriage- is there a wound that needs addressing?

Your husband needs to understand that it is his responsibility to step up and be proper husband. He has a wife and marriage to look after. He cannot flee to shelter in times of storm. Sometimes only God can teach him this though. Doesn’t mean you are helpless- keep on trying, sister in Christ. God bless!
 
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
I’ve been through divorce following a long-term marriage that produced 8 living children. It’s not easy. We were in Mass on Mother’s Day with our big family and husband supplying Brown Scapulars for 1st Communicants/ New Catholics and 4 days later he left the family for a co-worker.

I don’t want you to give up hope on your marriage, but I also want you to focus on your future, whether or not he is in the picture.

If you and husband are empty nesters, I could see where couples counseling might lead to you joining him at the apartment. However, in all honesty, it really concerns me when you stated that he wanted to go back East to spend time with a colleague.

He is your husband and if he is a devout catholic, he knows the rules/ responsibilities toward God and marriage, which means spending time with you, his wife.

I don’t mean to alarm you, but your husband’s actions of refusing couples therapy until after he signed a lease is very telling that he realizes your desire for this marriage at all costs while he has already stepped out of it, especially in the light of his participation in individual therapy.

Maybe this is a mid-life crisis he’s having, but today’s society makes it easy for partners to walk away. Society expects the wounded partner to just get over it as if they/ the marriage never mattered. Please, protect your power by directing your energy on your life, not on what your husband is/isn’t doing. Focus on you and your strength because there are way worse things than being alone (such as being in a marriage with a selfish husband who keeps you out of his plans and abandons you on his whims).

In the meantime, consider continuing with counseling and finding a spiritual mentor. A foundational-solid Catholic priest could help. You will also want to find an excellent family law attorney to advise on your rights and responsibilities for this situation and for a potential divorce.
Also, please share with the attorney where your husband has moved. Some states have enacted very specific alimony guidelines that often put women in long-term marriages at a severe disadvantage, especially when a wife has sacrificed career opportunities for her husband’s career interests. I would hate to see your husband move to such state and file for divorce against you there, after meeting that new state’s residency requirements.

While I completely understand your strong Faith, your husband has free will and God respects that. Even with God, both spouses must be committed to marriage. I’m so sad to say this, but it doesn’t appear like your husband is committed to you or your marriage. Please see an attorney asap to protect yourself and family from his destructive choices.

In the meantime, St. Monica, St. Thomas More, and I think St. Edward the Confessor might be some solid intercessors I would recommend to you. St. Monica looks after women in our situations, especially those who have bad marriages or wayward husbands.

I will keep you in my prayers.
Peace
MJ
 
I’m afraid that your husband might not return. It does seem as if something has been planned. First, see a lawyer…I can almost guarantee that he has one!

Prayer often works wonders, but free will is powerful, too. If he really wants to end the marriage, there’s not much you can do.

Definitely call a lawyer-now! Do you have children? That makes it doubly important!

He’s looking out for himself. Look out for yourself. God Bless!
 
There are only two things anyone here can do for you. 1 pray.
2. Beg you to call an attorney ASAP
 
Thank you. We do have a priest we both know and trust. I think that is a wonderful idea.

I would love to fast but the stress is already curbing my appetite greatly. I need to eat when I can eat.

There are wounds. Not infidelity, thank God.

He is also meeting with a nun who is his spiritual advisor. I know she has helped him a lot.

My husband is going through some mental challenges. His feeling right now is that it is everyone and everything around him that is the problem. He is a person of color and racism is prominent. He also feels that he could be wrong and something is wrong with him, his brain. I strongly feel this way. Right now, he refuses medication. He feels some alone time will sort out his feelings. He says this is not about leaving me, it is about him getting better.
 
My husband is going through some mental challenges. His feeling right now is that it is everyone and everything around him that is the problem. He is a person of color and racism is prominent. He also feels that he could be wrong and something is wrong with him, his brain. I strongly feel this way. Right now, he refuses medication. He feels some alone time will sort out his feelings. He says this is not about leaving me, it is about him getting better. He is staying in the same state. He will also continue to pay the bills. I appreciate your saint recommendations. We need all of the help we can get.
 
Thinking of you and still praying for you and your family. I hope things are getting better.
 
My advice: get a notebook and use it only for writing, first, everything you can remember up until now about any actions or discussions related to separation/divorce. Date everything you can. Continue to keep track of everything he says. In fact, you could talk to someone about sending him emails confirming the content of your conversations. For example, an email confirming the conversation in which he said he would continue to take care of the bills.

This way, if you ever need the information, you will have it instead of trying to sort it all out under stress.

This colleague he was planning to spend time with: male or female?
 
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You’ve been given excellent advice. Most of those who answered have been here several years and have read many, many stories similar to yours. In addition to their comments, I suggest that you
research private detectives, infidelity, and divorce online so that you have a good overall picture of what they do and why you need one. Then ask your lawyer to see to hiring a private investigator.

As for a lawyer, reputations matter—a lot! Hire a tough lawyer who thinks quickly and wins. Usually, (although, not always), a tough lawyer will be brusque, seem to be irritated about something, and may sound cold and calculating. That’s the type you want if you wind up in divorce court, because you want to win. I’m not even remotely suggesting that you financially “take your husband to the cleaners.” Rather, I’m saying that you must prepare very carefully in order to get a fair shake.

Examine your money and/or investment accounts and tax records for the past four years. Be certain that you don’t forget any of them. What was the total annual contribution into each of those accounts four years ago? Are they less now? When did the deposits begin to decline?

I know that it hurts you to even think of questioning your husband’s loyalty and fidelity to you, but because you love him and can’t believe what has already transpired, you’re already making excuses for him—even though he planned this for over more than a year, then presented it to you as a fait accompli. You must prepare for the worst result and pray for the best one. 😇

I’ll pray each day for both of you and your marriage. Spending some time in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament should be comforting and strengthening. Best wishes to you.
 
I do take notes and have for a long time. His colleague is male. It is just a friendship.
 
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That’s good. I have seen people get in a jam without contemporaneous or near-contemporaneous notes.
 
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